Author wendigo Posted July 3, 2010 Author Share Posted July 3, 2010 Hello OP here - crikey what a storm I've kicked up. Thanks for all your suggestions. I think the one that works for me is probably "I'm not interested." I think with a thank you and I'm flattered but just saying this in a nice way is best. If I want to stay friends then I can add that. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused100 Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 This won't work. He'll just keep you in mind for when he thinks enough time has passed to try again . If you're seriously not interested -like at all- then something more definite like a "thank you but i'm not interested" might be better. You don't owe any more explanation beyond that really. That's your business. I agree with this. The first part really hits home with me, since I encountered the same exact situation. I knew I was rejected, but in the back of my mind, I felt like it meant that sometime in the future things would change since it was not a definitive "No, not interested". After asking about the whole situation on here, I realised that I was completely mistaken. In the end, it feels like that hurts even more even though I know the intentions are to be nice. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 If you really mean it when you say "not ready to date", then no problem. I've been told that too many times when it was clearly not true. When it's not true and used with "seems like a nice guy", it sounds really fake. All I want is someone to be honest with me. So you'd prefer 'sorry but leave me alone because I don't find you physically attractive?' Thats honest but most people don't want to be that harsh. Link to post Share on other sites
Thermometer Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 If you said the part about the person not being physically attractive, a lot of men would go nuts and call you shallow. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 If you said the part about the person not being physically attractive, a lot of men would go nuts and call you shallow. Exactly! That's why telling the truth isnt always th3e best option... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wendigo Posted July 3, 2010 Author Share Posted July 3, 2010 In other words, "normal" looking guys don't stand a chance, but if a cute looking guy comes along you'll "make an exception". Ever thought that maybe you should apply your methods to ALL guys instead of "making exceptions", especially considering your method is to "not date people" since you just broke up. QUOTE] Woah! Morals - talk about jumping to conclusions. I'm sorry but I feel the right to defend my post and myself. Nice how quickly you make judgements on me without knowing A THING about me! What makes you think looks are the most important to me?!!!!! If you really knew me you would know that is certainly not the case at all. And where did I say that I wasn't interested in dating? I am! But I was asking what to say to a guy I didn't want to date. Morals I asked for your advice not an opinion on my free choices and I do feel a little upset by your assumptions. But even so, what if I wanted a hot sexy guy with no strings? and................? And of course I will go for guys who I am attracted to! I can't say I have ever made a concious effort to go for a guy who I don't think is ..well, I wouldn't use the words cute - I would say attractive. what are you suggesting? Sorry who should I be going for (to please you)? What is "normal"???!! just thought I'd point that out... but yes I believe that you should be honest - I agree with you on that point. thanks for your contribution. Link to post Share on other sites
Gero Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 Yes, that's honest enough in my book. Who says there has to be total disclosure? Gero, I wonder if there were no other issues with that girl other than you were simply just not attracted to her...what then? I wonder what you would have said then? Would you tell her that you don't find her attractive? But as you said, you've never been in that situation so you don't really know how you'd react then. You don't really know that you'd be totally honest or you'd tell a white lie, do you? I'm not going to lie to you. I can't tell you exactly what I would or wouldn't do because I haven't had a situation where a girl was perfect in every way but was too fat or too ugly for example. I actually met a girl in high school that I wasn't physically attracted to at first, but after I got to know her, I not only found her attractive, but actually fell for her. So there has been an example of me looking past looks, but as others will attest to, there are some things you can't look past. I am sure that I would be as nice and honest as possible and if someone straight out asked me, I would respect them enough to give them the honest answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Morals Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 [quote=wendigo;2871965Woah! Morals - talk about jumping to conclusions. I'm sorry but I feel the right to defend my post and myself. Nice how quickly you make judgements on me without knowing A THING about me! What makes you think looks are the most important to me?!!!!! If you really knew me you would know that is certainly not the case at all. And where did I say that I wasn't interested in dating? I am! But I was asking what to say to a guy I didn't want to date. Morals I asked for your advice not an opinion on my free choices and I do feel a little upset by your assumptions. But even so, what if I wanted a hot sexy guy with no strings? and................? And of course I will go for guys who I am attracted to! I can't say I have ever made a concious effort to go for a guy who I don't think is ..well, I wouldn't use the words cute - I would say attractive. what are you suggesting? Sorry who should I be going for (to please you)? What is "normal"???!! just thought I'd point that out... but yes I believe that you should be honest - I agree with you on that point. thanks for your contribution. Your direct statement was "but if the right guy came along I might be different". If you aren't ready to date, you aren't ready to date. Saying so is honest. However, changing your opinion based on "if the right guy came along" isn't. You are just using the statement as an excuse, to comfort your own decisions. Why would you need to 'defend' your post? I'm allowed to express my opinion just as much as you are. My point made in my post was apparently lost on you, as I wasn't referencing at all that you needed to go for 'normal' looking guys. My point was, YOU are changing YOUR behavior based on if you met the right guy. Now, considering that the only thing you know within minutes of meeting someone is their looks and a few morsals of their outward personality, 99% of the time the initial reaction to a person is based on looks. You can 'defend' your post as much as you want, but the point is, you are changing your behavior from "I don't want to date anyone" to "I just don't want to date you" and you think they are one and the same, and they aren't. Before you can be straightforward with others, you have to be straightforward with yourself. I care not if you decide to have ONS's or whatever. That's your life to live, but don't come preaching to me about my opinions when YOU asked for advice on how to say blow off other men. Link to post Share on other sites
Thermometer Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 I think she means right guy in the sense of "The One", not some random hottie. Link to post Share on other sites
Gero Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 I think she means right guy in the sense of "The One", not some random hottie. The sad thing is that some women convince themselves that a guy is "the one" who is really just some random hottie that they are attracted to. Link to post Share on other sites
Thermometer Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 The sad thing is that some women convince themselves that a guy is "the one" who is really just some random hottie that they are attracted to. I haven't met anyone who's done that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gero Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 I haven't met anyone who's done that. You've never known anyone in a terrible relationship with a douche bag that was good looking? Look around. They're everywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Thermometer Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 You've never known anyone in a terrible relationship with a douche bag that was good looking? Look around. They're everywhere. Well yeah, but that's hardly a "random hottie". And I've known girls who are in relationships with d-bags who aren't good looking. Link to post Share on other sites
gamma1 Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 So you'd prefer 'sorry but leave me alone because I don't find you physically attractive?' Thats honest but most people don't want to be that harsh. I prefer the truth, but it doesn't have to be said like that. Sometimes I wish I knew what I was doing wrong so I could at least attempt to fix it for the next woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Gero Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 I prefer the truth, but it doesn't have to be said like that. Sometimes I wish I knew what I was doing wrong so I could at least attempt to fix it for the next woman. That's the same way that I feel about the whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 I don't understand...what's so unfriendly or impolite about saying "I'm not interested"...? Nothing wrong with such a response (you'd think)- when saying so myself, I've been called some not so nice names. Link to post Share on other sites
Thermometer Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 I prefer the truth, but it doesn't have to be said like that. Sometimes I wish I knew what I was doing wrong so I could at least attempt to fix it for the next woman. Then how do you want it to be said? I don't get it. You want the truth, but not said like how it is. You don't want "I'm not interested" but you don't want "I'm not interested because you're fugly", even if that's the truth. We can't win! The thing is, if I'm not interested in you, who's to say the next girl over isn't going to be? If I don't find you hot, who's to say another girl isn't going to? Plenty of guys have passed me over and it's not the end of the world. Not every guy thinks I'm pretty or funny or even gels with me. And that's okay. Ever heard of "Different strokes for different folks"? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 i'd just say "that doesn't work for me" they need nothing more than that. or you're sweet for asking, but no. Link to post Share on other sites
gamma1 Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 (edited) Then how do you want it to be said? I don't get it. You want the truth, but not said like how it is. You don't want "I'm not interested" but you don't want "I'm not interested because you're fugly", even if that's the truth. We can't win! The thing is, if I'm not interested in you, who's to say the next girl over isn't going to be? If I don't find you hot, who's to say another girl isn't going to? Plenty of guys have passed me over and it's not the end of the world. Not every guy thinks I'm pretty or funny or even gels with me. And that's okay. Ever heard of "Different strokes for different folks"? "I'm not interested" is fine and I don't recall saying otherwise. "I'm not interested" with a truthful reason is fine. "I'm not physically attracted to you" is fine and conveys the same message as "you're ugly" but it's much easier to hear. The "I'm not interesed" or "we are not a good match" or "the spark is not there" or something similar are some of the least painful lines out there. What I don't like is a statement which not only is untrue, but it is plainly obvious to me that it is untrue. "I don't want to date now" or "It's not you, it's me" or "you are such a nice guy" are some of the worst for me. I prefer not to hear something that is obviously made up crap. No woman has ever found me anything close to hot. I've never broken up with a woman so I must admit I've never been on the other side of it. I'm kind of bitter, so don't think what I say applies to all men. I'm only one man who has been extremely unsucessful at relationships. Edited July 4, 2010 by gamma1 Link to post Share on other sites
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