Why do parents let children misbehave in public?

[bananalaffytaffy]

While I understand that autistic children can be difficult, it wouldn't take one parent much to take the child outside so it doesn't spoil the meal for the rest of the restaurant. As well, a child who's jumping up and down and running wild in a restaurant is a danger to themselves.

 

As the parent of a newborn, we have no plans to take little Bump to a restaurant until he's able to behave. And even then, it will be to a family restaurant full of other children and when he cries, one of us, most likely myself will take him outside until he settles down.

 

As a doting aunt, when babysitting for family or friends when the kids ever acted up, we left if I was the only adult or I would take the kid(s) outside.

 

I've yet to figure out why everyone else should have to "put up" with bad behaviours from children.

My point exactly. THANK YOU!!

[fooled once]

I have to reply to this and say that it is not really possible for you to know whether the child had autism or not. It takes professionals many months of evaluation and psychological assesment to work out if a child is on the autistic spectrum. There are some parents who just dont parent their kids, and do bring up little terrors. But for some of us, we are good parents with other very well behaved children. To those of us who have an autistic child who is appearing to behave like a spoilt brat due to a sensory overload, it is very difficult and upsetting when people give us looks or even comments about 'controlling our children'.

Since it is not possible for the average person to discern whether a child is autistic or not, I always think its best to air on the side of caution rather than giving out dirty looks or comments to families who may well be at their witts end just trying to get through the day

 

 

I disagree on the bolded. It is possible, just like it is possible to discern a child with down syndrome. Additionally, there are various 'degrees' of autism.

 

Bad behavior which is allowed to continue is wrong for any child. And a parent who chooses to allow bad behavior, in a restaurant, where it disrupts others is a sh*tty parent in my view.

[styla786]

I am completly agree with you.some parents are extremely careless about their childrens and when they do mise behave on the public place they say nothing to them.this like act is very combersome for the other people so the parents should control their childs so they don't act like donkey.

[woody2010]

This is a pet hate of mine too! When i was a kid i wouldn't have dreamt of that but i feel today peopke seem to lack parenting skills. I think children need a boundary and disipline. I'm not saying through smacking as there are other ways but I feel some kids lack boundaries and just keep pushing. Another problem i find is, that some parents cant say no to their kids. So when they do say no, the kid puts up a fuss and gets what he or she wants.

 

Sorry but sometimes i wonder how the parents don't get embaressed when their kid acts up in public. It's the most annoying thing and the thing that REALLY takes the biscuit is the fact you cant say a thing!

[threebyfate]

There's an easy read book called "Kids are Worth It" written by Barbara Coloroso. It discusses three parenting styles that she calls Brickwall, Jellyfish and Backbone where she illustrates how each of these types of parenting styles addresses different issues.

 

In the situation described by blt, they sound like Jellyfish parents. No boundaries or any form of discipline being used on their children.

[woody2010]

I'm not starting a debate on how to raise kids, I'm not a parent but everyone has their own methods. I respect that. There are many methods for raising kids, it's about which one suits you.

 

 

 

I personally feel kids need to be taught respect for people in the public. Theres NO excuse for a kid screaming and Shouting in a supermarket or restaurant and the parent doing nothing. It's disrespectful to the people around you.

 

I realise there may be methods from people that could describe anyones parenting but lets not forget, there are people out there just cant handle their kids and cant be bothered trying to address any problems. I'm not saying it's a lot of people but there are a few. I grew up seeing alot of it, i guess i may be pessemistic in a way but i've seen too many kids grow to be terrors due to having no boundaies.

[sb129]

I think I can beat that one.

 

I was on a long train journey one day and there were two women with children nearby. The boy - who would have been aged about 8 so old enough to know better IMO - was climbing over the tables. It was very obvious what he was trying to do and then he succeeded -he pulled the emergency cord so the train automatically came to a halt.

 

The family just carry on chatting as if nothing has happened. In the meantime the guard starts his walk through the train to identify the problem (expecting a real emergency). The women say nothing - obviously don't care that the train can't start and hundreds of people are being held up because of this kid. It's not in my nature to do the meek and mild so I stopped the guard and told him what had happened and then the women have the nerve to glare at me for the rest of the journey as if I am the one at fault!

 

OMG, that would have made me FURIOUS. I wouldn't have been able to keep quiet either. If an adult does that isn't it a criminal offence? If that had been my child I would have been mortified.

 

 

I see a lot of parents trying to 'reason' with a child and clearly looking like Jr. or Junioress are trampling over them. Um, no. Young children are not high enough on that Maslow's scale to 'reason'.

 

When I was pregnant, a friend of mine stayed over with her two children (aged 3 and 7) they completely took over our house. They didn't go to bed till late, they demanded to watch what they wanted to watch on tv, they interrupted adult conversations, they were noisy, rude, disrespectful and messy. My friend spoke to them as if they were mini adults, and tried to reason with them. She marvelled at how the older one could watch TV and ask "intelligent" questions about adult topics (WTF was he doing watching that sort of programme in the first place?).

She homeschooled them, and I observed one lesson. (7 year old couldn't read at all) and she just gave up when he refused to learn.

 

I agree LB- "reasoning" with kids is garbage- you are the parent, not the peer, you don't have to explain your actions and reasons for them.

 

H and I were almost put off having kids, although it was a bit late by then!

 

Our 8mth old daughter already has boundaries. She has a schedule so she knows that in the evenings its dinnertime, bathtime and bedtime in that order every night at around the same time.

 

We don't need to "discipline" her per se, she is still too little for that, but she knows what "no" means and that she isn't allowed to touch the TV.

We are already setting her boundaries and we are starting as we mean to go on, because we have seen too many kids with no boundaries p*ss our friends and family off.

 

Aside from the fact that it will ultimately benefit us and our daughter, we want to retain our adult relationships too- we don't want to be the friends who never get invited anywhere because our kids are nightmares!

[threebyfate]

You can reason with a child as long as you start as early as possible and use age appropriate logic. You can't reason with a child who's escalated to being emotionally out-of-control or has never been reasoned with. The child who's being described by blt appears to have gotten to the level of out-of-control.

 

Both my nephews are different personality types. One's more extraverted, the other more introverted. But both have been reasoned with since they were born and when babysitting them, I had no problems reasoning with them.

 

I do agree that the adult and child can't be on the same level of control so when push comes to shove, the child needs to know when he/she's hit boundaries of reasonabilities.

[sb129]

You can reason with a child as long as you start as early as possible and use age appropriate logic.

I do agree that the adult and child can't be on the same level of control so when push comes to shove, the child needs to know when he/she's hit boundaries of reasonabilities.

 

Agreed.

I just re-read my post, and I actually take back what I said re: "reasoning". Its not garbage.

 

I think its good to be able to provide some explanations.

My father was a "don't do that because i said so" parent, and it drove me nuts.

I suspect that would be "brick wall" parenting?

 

I think age appropriate is they key thing here. My friend was trying to reason with her son using adult logic. And it wasn't working, because he is only 7.

[sb129]

And as far as explaining YOUR actions and reasons- I think its a good thing to do with your children to garner their respect- but as you say, once they hit the out of control stage, the buck stops with you.

[threebyfate]

My father was a "don't do that because i said so" parent, and it drove me nuts.

I suspect that would be "brick wall" parenting?

Yes, that's the exactly what brickwall parenting is about. The child is given no explanations and also not allowed to make any choices.

I think age appropriate is they key thing here. My friend was trying to reason with her son using adult logic. And it wasn't working, because he is only 7.

Bingo!

 

The younger the child, the more self-centric. So you have to appeal to them using simple logic which includes some form of self-interest while injecting a phrase or comment that other people matter too. The older they get, the more the emphasis on others but still include a statement of self-interest. This way they will learn that both matter, rather than the horrendous squashing of self-esteem that many parents do, primarily brick wall parents.

[sb129]

I might get that book. I am guessing backbone parenting is the style to aim for?

[threebyfate]

Yes, backbone parenting is what she recommends.

 

As for the self-centric/logic thing, that's from my own experiences with kids combined with my parent's perspective.

[sb129]

I looked it up- sounds good. I was brought up by a Jellyfish and a Brickwall, so I don't really want to do it that way.

 

I love my parents still, but I definitely don't want to make some of the mistakes they made- my mother has even pointed them out to me.

[JustJoe]

We had 4 rules when we were kids. Rules 1 & 2: everything Dad said to do, we did, everything Dad said not to do, we didn't. Rules 3 & 4 were the same only for MOM. The rest of the time, we were allowed to do pretty much anything we wanted. My parents wanted us curious and self-reliant, so they encouraged us to make our own entertainment and , of course, we all had farm chores. TV was allowed only if we were sick.

[Lipsy10]

I haven't read this whole thread yet but as a mother of 2 young children (5 and 2) I must point out that sometimes children do misbehave in public and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.

 

I certainly don't ignor my children if they are being bold but as anyone who has children knows once a tantrum starts its hard to get the control back - and very embarrassing .

 

My son who's 5 has autism and other learning difficulties. The thing is he looks "normal" so people don't realise he's disabled, so when he starts acting up/lashing out they just tut and throw me dirty looks not knowing that its not really his fault he acts this way its part of his condition.

 

I remember when my son was about 6 months old. I was in a supermarket when a 4/5 year old girl had 'a screaming fit' in the middle of the shop. I tuted and threw a dirty look and said to myself "no child of mine will ever act like that in public". HA reality check - all children act up at some point and until you have children of your own you shouldn't judge because believe it or not, one day that will be your child people are judgeing.

[lolapalooza]

I must point out that sometimes children do misbehave in public and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.

You can remove the child from the situation! You can take the child to the car, to the bathroom, somewhere other than where they are disturbing the public.

[Lipsy10]

You can remove the child from the situation! You can take the child to the car, to the bathroom, somewhere other than where they are disturbing the public.

 

Thats really not always possible and believe me when it is possible to remove the child from the situation I do. Its just as unpleasent for the parent as it is for the public (more so).

 

This isn't the 50's where children should be seen but not heard. Is it too much to ask for a bit of understanding. Your being very ignorant! ( i take it you don't have children)

[hotgurl]

Thats really not always possible and believe me when it is possible to remove the child from the situation I do. Its just as unpleasent for the parent as it is for the public (more so).

 

This isn't the 50's where children should be seen but not heard. Is it too much to ask for a bit of understanding. Your being very ignorant! ( i take it you don't have children)

 

I totally disagree with you. IF your child cannot behave in a supermarket or a restuarant don't take them there.

 

There is no reason to allow a child to have a fit in a store and do nothing about it. At the very least leave.

[lolapalooza]

Thats really not always possible and believe me when it is possible to remove the child from the situation I do. Its just as unpleasent for the parent as it is for the public (more so).

 

This isn't the 50's where children should be seen but not heard. Is it too much to ask for a bit of understanding. Your being very ignorant! ( i take it you don't have children)

Get over yourself. Calling me ignorant will get you nowhere. I have two very well-behaved children who know NEVER to misbehave in public. They know that if they do, they will be disciplined appropriately. I've never had to discipline them for misconduct in public. Ever. They know what is expected of them and act accordingly.

 

I totally disagree with you. IF your child cannot behave in a supermarket or a restuarant don't take them there.

 

There is no reason to allow a child to have a fit in a store and do nothing about it. At the very least leave.

Exactly. Why should the rest of the public have to suffer because a parent can't control their kid?

 

Alternatively, if a child misbehaves at a restaurant, why should they be given the privledge of going out again until they can demonstrate correct behavior? I guess parents don't think children should have to suffer any consequences for their actions these days.

[sally4sara]

I totally disagree with you. IF your child cannot behave in a supermarket or a restuarant don't take them there.

There is no reason to allow a child to have a fit in a store and do nothing about it. At the very least leave.

 

This won't always be possible. Someone who has no family or in house support will still need to go to the bank and get groceries. Even if both parents are around, both can't ALWAYS be around to keep the kid at home.

 

If it is a restaurant, get the kid out of the mix. No one has to eat in a restaurant.

If it is a movie, get the kid out of the mix. nothing hinges on you seeing that movie RIGHT NOW.

But if it is a quick and necessary errand, I am mature enough to not let it ruin my day and pass harsh judgment on the parent for trying their best to quickly finish their task before removing the kid from the situation. The only time I can't just deal quietly with the momentary disturbance of a tantrumy child is when the parent stops what they are doing and gives the kid their undivided attention. Delaying everyone else while they sooth and try to reason with a kid who can't hear them over their own wailing or beating the snot out of them for getting so worked up.

NO. Just finish up with paying for your groceries and get them out of the store.

 

I live through it when fire trucks and ambulances disturb my peace and quiet. I'm pretty sure I can do the same for a child crying over not getting the candy at the register.

[Lipsy10]

This won't always be possible. Someone who has no family or in house support will still need to go to the bank and get groceries. Even if both parents are around, both can't ALWAYS be around to keep the kid at home.

 

If it is a restaurant, get the kid out of the mix. No one has to eat in a restaurant.

If it is a movie, get the kid out of the mix. nothing hinges on you seeing that movie RIGHT NOW.

But if it is a quick and necessary errand, I am mature enough to not let it ruin my day and pass harsh judgment on the parent for trying their best to quickly finish their task before removing the kid from the situation.

 

Totally agree.

 

Get over yourself. Calling me ignorant will get you nowhere. I have two very well-behaved children who know NEVER to misbehave in public. They know that if they do, they will be disciplined appropriately. I've never had to discipline them for misconduct in public. Ever. They know what is expected of them and act accordingly.

 

Exactly. Why should the rest of the public have to suffer because a parent can't control their kid?

 

Alternatively, if a child misbehaves at a restaurant, why should they be given the privledge of going out again until they can demonstrate correct behavior? I guess parents don't think children should have to suffer any consequences for their actions these days.

It must be soo nice to have such perfect children but if you can get off your high horse for a minute you'll see that us mere mortals have children who throw tantrums every now and then. It doesn't mean their brats whose parents don't discipline them, it just means their human.

 

Ignorance is a state of being uninformed. This should not be confused with being unintelligent, as one's level of intelligence and level of education or general awareness are not the same. The word "ignorant" is an adjective describing a person in the state of being unaware.

I called you ignorant because you are.

[threebyfate]

Considering the situation as expressed in the opening post, this has nothing to do with necessities. This has to do with an out-of-control child and selfish parents.

 

As far as supermarkets are concerned, there are times during the day where it's not as busy. Choose your times if you have to bring your children shopping. It's inexcusable no matter what, to expect others to put up with children running around supermarkets, potentially impacting on the safety of themselves and other people.

 

As for trying to reason with a child while in tantrum mode or out-of-control, that's just stupid parenting. Not even adults can break out that quickly, when they've emotionally lost it. But conceptually as a parent, it's up to you to understand your child and know how to handle them BEFORE they lose it, which includes picking the right time for THEM and not when they're hungry or tired.

 

I will not enable piss poor parenting.

[Minnie09]

If parents do nothing when the child misbehaves, this can also be a form of discipline. Any reaction to unwanted behavior actually increases the occurrence and intensity of that particular behavior. No matter if the reaction is negative or positive. It's ways good to keep your cool as a parent, even in public, in order to demonstrate that the kid's neg. behavior is just not very important or impressive, if you will. Sure, people in restaurants might be annoyed by the screaming at times, but you know what? Tough sh$$. Relax. The person who is the most aggravated in a situation like that is the parent. Feel for the parent and be thankful you're not in their shoes. And / or have perfectly-mannered kids...

 

It's not that I'm NOT reacting to anything. But you have to pick your fights. And I don't pick my fights based on the tolerance level of other people.

[Minnie09]

Reasoning with a 3-yr old back and forth? No.

Explaining to them, so they UNDERSTAND? Absolutely.