Affair Over...Now What?

[sisyphus]

I'm not sure if I should be posting this here, or in some other place, so apologies in advance. I found this site while google searching, and it seems to offer real advice, so I'm hoping for some help.

I got into an affair with a MM at work. It happened so strangely - I knew he was married and had absolutely no interest in him. But he pursued me like it was his full-time job. I am new to where I live and also have been single for awhile. He kept suggesting that we just have some fun on the side. Stupid me, being selfish, thought why not? The guy wasn't wretched and I really, really wanted to have sex (I'm being honest). It started out exactly that way. Awkward, but the sex was amazing. I could tell, though, that he really liked me. He kept telling me, saying he didn't think I understood HOW much he liked me. I was the practical one saying it didn't matter, he had a wife and kids at home. I don't know when or how exactly it happened, but I fell for him. Maybe it was because we spent more time talking, or got to know each other as people, or what. But I realized one day that I had fallen, and fallen HARD. I already knew he had, because he kept telling me. He kept saying things like he hated leaving me when our time was up, and how he felt like he was in the wrong place, and how his head was spinning because he never knew that there could be someone out there like me. He got married very young and so didn't really date alot. He called me perfect, amazing, everything he ever wanted. To his credit, he NEVER talked bad about his wife, except for one time making a side comment about her physical appearance that wasn't really a criticism, just more factual. He never said anything about leaving his wife or family. We just talked alot about how we wished we had met earlier in our lives - and we did the whole "what could have been" song and dance. Things kept getting more and more intense and then recently, things just came to a boil. He had been telling me that he was so confused, he couldn't even be intimate with his wife. That he spent most of his time thinking about me, and about us. I didn't know what to do with that information, but I will be honest and say it made me hopeful, as I was falling more and more in love with him. But I always told him that I never wanted to be the reason he left his family. If he wanted out, that should be HIS choice, not because of me.

Anyway, we had been apart for over a week and then we saw each other again and it was beyond intense and emotional. Long story short is that he freaked out - told me that he had to stop everything immediately because he was on the brink of leaving his family and he couldn't do that. He said that if he was with me one more time he would fall down the rabbit hole so to speak and he didn't think he would be able to think straight or make good decisions. He knew it wasn't fair to me, and he was very very apologetic, but he maintained that he had to make - and stick - to this decision. The next few days were a nightmare, him crying, me crying, a kiss here, a hug there. To his credit, he didn't veer from his decision to end the physical side of things though I knew it was hard. Embarrassingly, I did nearly everything but beg because I could not (and still a bit do not) understand how he could just put the brakes on everything and shut it all off. He got upset with me, telling me that he HAD to stop things - that he had no choice. That he made his decision, and his decision was his family and that if he didn't lock things away he would just fall apart. He told me he loved me and that he was torn to pieces inside but that he loved his wife and his family and that his actions weren't fair to them.

 

Now, I know he is doing the "right" thing. And I know I was playing with fire to begin with so its not like I'm begging for sympathy here. I just am in a really bad place because I don't understand.

He chased me. He KNEW what he was doing. (Where was his "love" for his wife then?)

He started all the talk of love, and being together, blah blah blah. I didn't.

He has told me that he has thought out about our life together and he knows I would be the best thing for him.

 

And yet... I thought my situation was unique until I read this board (and others). I have to face it, I'm a cliche. I'm the typical OW. And he is the typical MM, saying all kinds of nonsense.

 

I've been crying now for nearly 6 days straight. I don't want to get out of bed. I feel eviscerated, destroyed, dead inside. At the risk of sounding just like every other woman on here, I KNOW he could be the one for me. He knows it - he's said so. He's also said he's terrified of changing anything in his life, and that he's pretty sure he'll look back on this decision and kick himself later for being such a moron.

 

Ladies, new friends - what do I do now? He wants to be friends. I asked him why, and he said because he didn't want to just throw away what we have and he wants me in his life. Actually I think he used the word "needs". He initiated the contact, and I honestly don't know what to do. Everything is still fresh. I told him that I may need some time where he's not around and he said that would really, really hurt him but he would try to respect it.

 

He also told me that he doesn't know what the future will bring. That he's confused, and scared, and ripped to pieces inside.

 

And yet... he made his "decision" and went running right to his family. I'm not defending him but I will say that I have some measure of respect for him having the strength to stop things, especially when I know how he feels for me. I also have respect for him for not trying to string me along (oh, i'm going to leave her, blah blah). He's pretty much told me he won't be leaving her, and its not just because of the kids. Despite everything, he loves her and wants to honor his vows. I told him he's a moron because he's teaching his kids to settle and he is personally not happy or fulfilled. Not that he's unhappy all the time, but deep inside, he's not where he really wants to be. And he's admitted that, and that he knows it.

 

I need some serious help. I know I'm too smart for this nonsense, but I can't control my heart. I also KNOW that he knows that he's living a lie. He would not have ended up in the intense situation he was with me if everything was copacetic at home.

 

I welcome your feedback - no matter how much I may not want to hear what you have to say. I'm crushed because I'm sitting here feeling like my love was not enough, like I'm a disposable person, like I'm a fool, like I'm not worth anything. I mean how could I be, if knowing everything, he still runs back to a less than ideal situation? (also, the few negatives he did tell me about his situation have been independently verified, so I know he's not building up this story about the W being evil or whatever).

 

HELP!!! I don't want to cry forever....

[jennie-jennie]

Yes, this sounds so familiar. Unfortunately to men there are other things that are as important as love. That is why he is torn. He loves you, but that is not all there is to it in his world.

 

Your MM most likely will be back. You exert a strong pull on him. I don't think he can resist it. The question is if you are OK with him wanting you but still not being able to end his marriage. I don't see a quick end to this mess.

 

My MM certainly pursued me like no one ever had before. He loves me like no one ever has before. How could I ever imagine that that kind of love would not be enough for him to end his marriage? Now I know that love is not all to these men. I know it because our relationship is now on its fifth year, still going as strong, but he is still nowhere near ending his marriage. His relationship with his wife has become more and more like a friendship relationship. Yet he stays with her.

 

My MM has at times suggested that if we broke up we should remain friends. I have always declined that offer. It is ridiculous in my opinion. We could never be only friends. I think it is these men trying to find a way out of the mess they created. It is not realistic.

 

Take care. We are many here who know what you are going through.

[sisyphus]

Jennie,

Thanks. I really need to hear a friendly voice right now - not just my own demons shouting at me, or those people who would yell at me and call me a homewrecker. I'm not proud of my actions, but I can't control who I love.

 

What I'm struggling with is that he ended everything. He is TRYING to eat his cake and have it, too. He realized that his actions were not right for his family and is trying to do the "right" thing. But because I know him so well (that's the biggest problem, we know each other like the back of our hands. Its weird, even), I know that his heart is protesting. He broke down crying telling me that he wished he could just be a jerk and just have sex with me and let that be that. But he told me he can't. That he cares so much for me that every physical act is an act of love. Therefore, if he were to continue anything, it would just be spiraling deeper and deeper and he told me that he would not be able to walk away - or want to walk away. And then he brings up his kids, and says how could he do that to them?

 

I did get him to admit that its not just his kids, that its his wife too, but funnily enough, he always says "my family". Not "my wife". Maybe I'm playing armchair psychologist too much but I read that he has so much attachment to the overall family unit - and what it represents - that he can't just walk away from it.

 

What's weird is that he told me that, before he met me, he almost left a few times but just couldn't do it. And his biggest fear is that now that he knows I exist, and the way he feels for me, he is afraid that he COULD walk out and would have somewhere to go and something to go to.

 

I called him a coward. He agreed.

 

It still doesn't stop the ache. I want this man. I want this man more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. And I shouldn't! He is all wrong for me! He is not my type! But I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my body and I don't know what to do about it.

 

I'm sick to know he's with his family right now, and I am struggling not to get mean, or hateful, or spiteful. I'm struggling not to hate myself for not being "enough" to make him choose me. I'm struggling not hate myself for wanting a decision that would ruin the lives of people I don't even know.

 

Mostly, I just don't understand. Why, oh, why did he come after me? He literally talked me into this whole situation and even up until the very moment when the proverbial line was crossed, I was totally disinterested. And then BAM! I suddenly really started to "see" him and I've never felt more whole, or happy or content with life than when I am in his arms.

 

*sigh*

I just don't get how, knowing all this, and knowing the way HE feels (he has made up like 4 fake "work" reasons to call me just to see if I'm doing okay), why does he want to be friends? What does he think that will accomplish? Is he trying to keep me on the back burner? Is he honestly trying to make a decision?

 

My friends say to ignore him and let him get a taste of missing me. I'm half inclined to just ignore him - because after all, he made his "decision" and that was his family. I am not in his family. Therefore, his decision, by default, does not include me in any way.

 

I hate, hate HATE that he hurt me to protect them. His doing so makes me wonder if he really cares at all...

[skywriter]

HI sisyphus and welcome to LS.

 

I must say, your post was so thorough and open about your feelings.

 

You need not criticize yourself because you admitted what so many of us dare to even anonomously.

 

The catch in your A and most others is, we have to ask ourselves.

 

Who can tend to our emotional and physical needs? Only us.

 

No matter what happens, if he stays married, and the A continues.

If he should leave her.

 

It's a roller coaster either way. You have to decide how long the ride will be for you.

 

To me when he asked for your friendship to continue, wether he realised it, he opened up vulnerability, to continuing the A.

 

It takes time away from any relationship to become indifferent. You can get there but it's a healing process.

[Silly_Girl]

Yes, there are lots of us who understand. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's such a complex situation because all the more normal emotions relating to a break-up or a challenging situation are so much harder due to guilt and the existence of the other relationship etc (in this case, his marriage).

 

I am currently coming to terms with no longer being with my MM. He was not the longest relationship in my life but without a doubt the one where my feelings were most powerful, and it totally blew my mind - 'rocked my world'. I'm learning that some of that was him/us and some of it was the circumstances in which the relationship was conducted (affair, distance, how we met etc).

 

I felt he was my soulmate, we had a parallel 'fantasy life' where we talked about how we would live had we met sooner (i.e. pre-marriage). He has no children (or sex), but I do (children, not sex!). We decided we wanted to be together, properly, full-time and we had set a date, leading up to that he went quiet and on the day (last week) I got hold of him and he told me that he loved me as much as ever, he couldn't contemplate living without me but still had some residual feelings for his wife and wasn't ready to leave. I've not seen him since but have, at times, tortured myself over that decision - his decision. Because it simply does not make sense for me. Like you, I guess. Whilst things were 'fine' at home, they didn't argue and co-habited with ease, they had no deep connection, no sex, no mutual interests, it seemed to be a routine and a habit that pulled him back and fear (I knew he was scared of making such a big change) that stopped him from leaving. I'll never understand it, as much as I rationalise it. But that's because I'm looking at it as though I'm in his shoes, I know damn well what I'd do...

 

There are things that are important to your guy that are outside of your relationship with him, as right or natural as the relationship feels for you. For some people, staying together when others aren't is seen as something valuable, an achievement, even when the parties are unhappy/not fulfilled. And the kids, the children thing is massive. We all know of heart-breaking stories of the kids being swayed against dad and contact breaking down; I have never been in that situation and can't imagine how hard it is for the parents faced with that.

 

If your guy's not ready, he's not ready. And I know it hurts, every minute of every day hurts right now, but there is absolutely nothing you can (or should) do to try and change his mind. If he came to you now, with unfinished business in his marriage, it would ruin your relationship with him and he may well end up going back to his wife in any case.

 

He has things he has to think about and consider and he'll do that, and needs to be free to do that. Your concern should be you. Your health and wellbeing. I've existed, at times, like a ghost these last 2-3 weeks, going through the motions. Really, even washing my hair seemed like the biggest challenge in the world when I was at rock bottom. I know that sounds crazy...

 

Posting on here is a big comfort, as is ANYTHING that forces you to concentrate. Work (not that I've done much) is great for me, I've played some extra golf, watched some dreadful movies and played mindless online games that just stop me from feeling mopey, even if it's just 60 seconds at a time!

 

And you said "he could be the one for me". Yes, COULD. He could possibly be, but there's not only one, I'm sure of that. And it's no consolation now but it's easy to think that your future happiness has just marched off in to the sunset but that really isn't true. I promise.

[skywriter]

Oh....and sisyphus, the fact that you and MM are employed at the same place.

 

My advice to you, would be to keep being you. Keep on living, don't wallow in sorrow. Show him,(no yourself), that you are a strong woman with integrity that will keep on loving herself.

 

You can mourn the loss of your relationship behind closed doors and here on LS, of course.

Edited June 13, 2010 by skywriter

[Ellin]

 

Ladies, new friends - what do I do now? He wants to be friends. I asked him why, and he said because he didn't want to just throw away what we have and he wants me in his life. Actually I think he used the word "needs". He initiated the contact, and I honestly don't know what to do. Everything is still fresh. I told him that I may need some time where he's not around and he said that would really, really hurt him but he would try to respect it.

 

My opinion is, it is not a good idea to be "friends", especially if you feel you need space for yourself. You don't want to be friends, you love him and you want more. He's made it clear that there cannot be anything more, so I think it is best for you to distance yourself from it. That's the healthiest solution, as far as I can see.

 

I feel sorry for his hurt but what about you? He started the whole thing and made you hopeful at some point, even if didn't say anything specific. You never asked for it. Does it make sense?

 

And if you continue to see each other you may well end up in the same place - resume the affair and the heartbreak will carry on. Are you prepared for that?

 

I welcome your feedback - no matter how much I may not want to hear what you have to say. I'm crushed because I'm sitting here feeling like my love was not enough, like I'm a disposable person, like I'm a fool, like I'm not worth anything. I mean how could I be, if knowing everything, he still runs back to a less than ideal situation? (also, the few negatives he did tell me about his situation have been independently verified, so I know he's not building up this story about the W being evil or whatever).

 

HELP!!! I don't want to cry forever....

 

I know exactly what you mean about feeling disposable, not worth etc. I felt exactly the same way and my situation was worse in this aspect because the woman is not nice at all and things at home are truly awful.

 

But I have since realised that him not "choosing" me has nothing to do with my worth or anything like it. It's all to do with his own fears and limitations, which are related to so many things that happened to him earlier in life and not connected to me in any way whatsoever.

 

The pain you're experiencing is perfectly natural, but it won't last forever..

[TinaniT]

I don't have much to offer except sympathies and sincere hopes you find some deserved happiness. Good luck, sisyphus.

[sisyphus]

First, thanks to everyone who is taking the time to reply to my post. As I'm sure you all know, it helps SO MUCH to know that I'm not alone in this mess. While I know that complaining about how I'm feeling is akin to having dug a hole and then fallen into it, it means alot that there are others who understand.

 

This weekend has been really hard for me - I've gone through so many emotions. I think I'm (finally) all cried out. I woke up crying today but have been able to stem the flow which is a plus. And I actually ate a real meal, though I had to force myself to do so. But it is something.

 

I appreciate all the feedback on the friendship issue. My brain is a little foggy so I'm sorry I don't remember exactly who said it, but I think it is true that by asking for my friendship, he is trying to keep me close for whatever reason. He has actually even said that he wonders what will happen in the future, if we were alone, or on a business trip. Which makes me think that even though he's closed the door now, he's leaving it open a crack. Its up to me then to decide if I want to allow that door to open again.

 

Right now, I'm thinking no. Even though every fiber of my being WANTS him, wants to be with him again, wants to be in his arms and have him look at me the way he does - I know that's akin to slowly poisoning myself.

 

He has said that he needs to figure out what is going on in his head and what he really wants. I think he really, really does. I will be very interested to see what happens after he's had some time to think. Because if I were being honest, even though he's made this "decision", I don't think its fixed whatever it is that is broken in him, and that led him to me.

 

Any advice on how to have NC? While we do work for the same organization, we don't work always in the same location, so that makes it easier. But I know he will reach out, and I don't know what to do, what to say. I don't want to be rude, but I also don't want to be a doormat.

 

Ideas?

 

Thanks again....

[jthorne]

Unless your xMM is willing to introduce you to his W, you are willing to be introduced to her, and have your "friendship" completely platonic and out in the open, you can not be friends. It's just an emotional affair instead of a physical one. He's still using you to meet his needs, while you get little to nothing in return.

 

If this guy was the guy for you, he would be with you. Sorry to be blunt, but it's true. Lots of people with wives and kids and property blah blah blah get divorced every day. Time to find someone single who can give you what you need, not some guy who's there only at his convenience. If you have to interact with him in your workplace, keep it work related only.

 

Stop letting him dictate the terms of the relationship. You deserve more than that.

[MorningCoffee]

Any advice on how to have NC? While we do work for the same organization, we don't work always in the same location, so that makes it easier. But I know he will reach out, and I don't know what to do, what to say. I don't want to be rude, but I also don't want to be a doormat.

 

Ideas?

 

Thanks again....

 

Here you go -- some tips on NC: Fooled Once's NC and What It Means to You: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220970/

Caliguy's No Contact (NC) Q&A: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

[jthorne]

You can be neither rude nor a doormat if you have no contact with him.

[sisyphus]

Jthorne -

 

You are right. It pains me to say it, because it hurts hurts HURTS, but you are very right. That's what has been eating me apart. No matter what he says, his actions are showing me that they were just empty words. Oh, I don't doubt that he thinks he was being truthful and that he believes that he cares for me, but the truth of the matter is that I'm sitting here with a knot in my stomach and my eyes swollen from crying - and he is... well, he is back at his house, with his family.

 

This is what led me to tears and tears and tears - because I am so confused. As a child of divorce where infidelity was involved, I do understand how it is not easy to break up a home. It is not a decision made lightly and it affects many, many lives. I also understand how, though the flame of our passion burns bright, it has been sudden and is nothing compared to years and years of marriage. If I were him, honestly, I'd be completely confused as well. I mean on one side, he has the mother of his children, MANY years of a relationship, tons of history (good bad etc), a family (his, hers, theirs), everything. On the other hand, there's what happened with me. Unexpected, amazing, knock-your-socks-off powerful. I truly believe we have that once-in-a-lifetime connection, that romantic and passionate love that people search for. Unfortunately, we have met each other at the entirely wrong time, and in the entirely wrong circumstances.

 

I hope I don't seem weak if I say that - truthfully - I would not want to be in his shoes. He came into this expecting a roll in the hay, a little action on the side, just a physical affair. Instead, he fell in love. I know for a fact that is not what he wanted. I also know this man, and it killed him to feel that for me, because he knew it was wrong. He knew that it was complicated and he knew that there is no easy answer.

 

It has really helped me to "talk" about this on this forum, and I apologize if I sound like a broken record to some of you. This should be simple - get over him, get over myself, move on. That's what my brain is telling me. My heart, on the other hand - well that's a completely different story as many of you know.

 

I have made the decision to avoid being friends (as best I can) with my MM. I know this will hurt him but those of you who have commented are right - I HAVE to think of myself. And by being friends with him, I would be allowing the emotional part of the A to continue - which does me no good. Of course, its what he wants - I'm sure - since he has told me again and again how caring and considerate and supportive I am.

 

But I come back to the fact that he has repeatedly told me he "can't give me what I want" and that he has "made his decision". Well, without sounding snide, his decision was for his family, not me - and so I think its only fair to say he can't have me, right?

 

I know he'll argue and say "what, so just because i choose my family and that we can't be together, that means we can't be friends?". I just need to be strong enough to say Yes, that's exactly what it means. As someone on this forum said, that bell can't be un-rung.

 

Is it wrong of me to think that it is, in fact, a bit cruel for him to ask for my friendship after everything that has happened?

[jwi71]

He told me he loved me and that he was torn to pieces inside but that he loved his wife and his family and that his actions weren't fair to them.

 

Translation: I'm done with you for now but thanks for the memories.

My comments: What an asshat. Apparently it was fair to his W and kids at the beginning. No, he is just using them as an excuse.

 

And when I say done, I don;t want you to think you are a bad person or undesirable or anything...just that this A has run its course for him. He is likely moving on to the next OW (because he sounds very experienced in this to me).

 

He chased me. He KNEW what he was doing. (Where was his "love" for his wife then?)

That follows what I was saying above. Hun, he ALWAYS loved her. They usually do. An OW is filling the voids in HIM. Keep reading here...as the emotions fade (they will) you will see it in others here and finally your own situation.

 

He started all the talk of love, and being together, blah blah blah. I didn't.

He has told me that he has thought out about our life together and he knows I would be the best thing for him.

More fantasy talk. I'm sure he did think of it but with zero "reality" behind those thoughts...its just fanciful pillow talk.

 

And yet... I thought my situation was unique until I read this board (and others). I have to face it, I'm a cliche. I'm the typical OW. And he is the typical MM, saying all kinds of nonsense.

So stop mourning the loss of something you never had.

Instead, get on with life.

 

He wants to be friends

Two things.

I feel bad for dumping you, one.

And two, lets have sex every once in a while when I feel like it ok?

 

. I asked him why, and he said because he didn't want to just throw away what we have and he wants me in his life. Actually I think he used the word "needs". He initiated the contact, and I honestly don't know what to do. Everything is still fresh. I told him that I may need some time where he's not around and he said that would really, really hurt him but he would try to respect it.

My money is you aren't his first nor will be his last OW. I get the impression he is a good manipulator and liar.

Run, Lola run.

He also told me that he doesn't know what the future will bring

More baiting you. Jerk-off.

 

. That he's confused, and scared, and ripped to pieces inside.

Remember how I said he is manipulator....uh, huh, here's a good dose of "Stringing you along" for his needs.

 

And yet... he made his "decision" and went running right to his family.

Thats always the risk.

 

I'm not defending him but I will say that I have some measure of respect for him having the strength to stop things, especially when I know how he feels for me.

Respect? For lying to his W and kids and you and then, when the A no longer suits him , he tells you "later honey, it was fun while it lasted".

 

You respect THIS?

 

And you clearly DON'T know how he feels for you. Think on it.

 

I also have respect for him for not trying to string me along (oh, i'm going to leave her, blah blah)

Yes he has. You just don't realize it.

 

. He's pretty much told me he won't be leaving her, and its not just because of the kids. Despite everything, he loves her and wants to honor his vows.

This is clearly a lie. He has no intention of honoring his vows.

But he certainly loves his W and family.

He says this to appear noble and desirable to you, to keep subtle hooks in.

He wants to come back and reignite the A on his terms IF he chooses to - and he needs you compliant to do so.

 

He'll be back. Don't worry.

 

I told him he's a moron because he's teaching his kids to settle and he is personally not happy or fulfilled. Not that he's unhappy all the time, but deep inside, he's not where he really wants to be. And he's admitted that, and that he knows it.

I wouldn't exactly believe a skilled and experienced liar you know.

And he is he settling when he already told you he loes his W and kids? What's he settling for again?

 

. I know I'm too smart for this nonsense, but I can't control my heart

If you don't control your heart who does?

Is it some parasitic being in your chest over which you have NO control?

Or did you knowingly walk the path and take every action TO fall in love?

 

I also KNOW that he knows that he's living a lie. He would not have ended up in the intense situation he was with me if everything was copacetic at home.

He ISN'T living a lie, you and his W are. To a lesser extent his children.

Of course there are "some" issues at home...no one EVER has the perfectly fulfilled M. But they aren't bad enough to leave - he has no intention nor did he ever of leaving.

 

I'm crushed because I'm sitting here feeling like my love was not enough, like I'm a disposable person, like I'm a fool, like I'm not worth anything.

NO. This has NOTHING to do with you.

His ACTIONS are about HIM and only HIM.

HE can treat you like this because he doesn't care, seeking only to satisfy the voids in HIS life...he doesn't consider the fallout in your life (but he does for the W, where his heart lies). Its NOT about you, your worth, your value, your beauty, your anything.

An A is not a real R and in such the normal rules and suppostions do NOT apply. Do NOT assume he loves, cares or anything about YOU. Its about how you make him feel. In this light, his actions will begin to make sense.

I mean how could I be, if knowing everything, he still runs back to a less than ideal situation? (also, the few negatives he did tell me about his situation have been independently verified, so I know he's not building up this story about the W being evil or whatever).

Occam's razor.

He's lying.

His life at home is PERFECT...he's just a little bored.

And trust me, you have NO CLUE what his home life is like.

 

You won't cry forever.

You're emotions and you're investment were real but his weren't.

 

The best way to move on is to go NC.

I know this is all fresh for you and you're probably wishing you could throttle me. But, in time, this will make more sense to you. Always look at ACTIONS. And what do his ACTIONS say?

 

He loves his W, he's not leaving and this A, for now, is over. He will prolly be back...for sex. No doubt the voids in hm will need filling again and you will be the low hanging fruit. Trust me, his words were well crafted to get you into this "place" and keep you here. For HIS needs.

 

What a selfish prick.

You'll lose the respect for him in time and see him in a different light.

 

NC, gather friends and family to help you mourn and heal and move on.

[sisyphus]

jwi71 -

Ok, first... OUCH! But I know you mean well, and you are trying to help. I appreciate your candor more than you know.

 

Now you've got me thinking. He has told me he has never had an A before, and I believed him. Not because he looked at me with sweet eyes, but because of his sheer ineptitude at the whole thing. He is the worst at sneaking around that I have ever seen. I have inadvertently saved his bacon so many times... leading me to wonder sometimes if he WANTED to get caught on some subliminal level.

 

I have a very good judge for master manipulators and liars (I grew up with two of them - my parents) and so, even if I still fall prey to it, I know when I'm being played. This guy is either the best manipulator EVER, or he is so clueless that he is manipulating me without even knowing he is doing so. I have watched the frustration and confusion on his face, and I have listened to him when he has gotten upset.

 

Everything you are saying is correct. Its going to sound like I'm so gullible and am just defending this cad, but I am being honest when I say this guy is neither smart enough - nor crafty enough - to be as slick as you give him credit for.

 

That being said, I think he does have a natural capacity for manipulation, whether he realises it or not. I mean he told me I probably shouldn't talk to my friends about this situation, because they would just "upset me". That I should let him "help me through this". (I'm not exactly sure what he means by that, because as I told him, the only way he could help me through it would be by choosing me, and he "can't" do that).

 

I DO think he is still trying to play all the odds. If he has truly chosen his family for good, then he would have completely shut the door on me. But his desire to be friends with me, and how he keeps stressing this, shows me that he has not come to terms with me being out of his life yet. Well, either that, or he really does not care as deeply for me as I thought and he thinks I can just sweet everything under the rug. Hell if I know.

 

I have gone from utterly despondent, to heartbroken, to angry, to lonely, to sad, to now just.... confused. I am confused more than anything. I don't understand.

 

What really throws me for a loop is that he went from being utterly passionate and loving to telling me he has to end everything within about 8 hours. And we were together the whole time, so its not like he was talking to anyone (esp the W). What on earth would prompt that? He said it was because he realized his feelings were getting so intense that he had to stop them before he did something rash. That he was wanting to leave home and he got scared. That a decision like that should never be made without a clear head - and that if that's what he's going to do, he needs to be thinking sensibly without distraction. What do you think???

 

 

And yes, while I was a willing participant in the A, I did not ask for this whirlwind of emotions - this tornado that swept through my life and broke my heart.

 

I read the info on NC, and its very good. Now here's the kicker. I have to communicate with him for work things. I know that if I am polite, but distant, he will find me and ask all sorts of questions. I will probably try to stay strong but end up crying. He will hold me and talk sweetly and I will end up saying all kinds of nonsense like "I understand" and "I want you in my life" and blah blah blah.

 

I am terrified on what to do, how to handle that. Short of quitting my job or getting myself in real work trouble by refusing to talk to him, I don't know what to do...

[sisyphus]

Yes, there are lots of us who understand. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's such a complex situation because all the more normal emotions relating to a break-up or a challenging situation are so much harder due to guilt and the existence of the other relationship etc (in this case, his marriage).

 

I am currently coming to terms with no longer being with my MM. He was not the longest relationship in my life but without a doubt the one where my feelings were most powerful, and it totally blew my mind - 'rocked my world'. I'm learning that some of that was him/us and some of it was the circumstances in which the relationship was conducted (affair, distance, how we met etc).

 

I felt he was my soulmate, we had a parallel 'fantasy life' where we talked about how we would live had we met sooner (i.e. pre-marriage). He has no children (or sex), but I do (children, not sex!). We decided we wanted to be together, properly, full-time and we had set a date, leading up to that he went quiet and on the day (last week) I got hold of him and he told me that he loved me as much as ever, he couldn't contemplate living without me but still had some residual feelings for his wife and wasn't ready to leave. I've not seen him since but have, at times, tortured myself over that decision - his decision. Because it simply does not make sense for me. Like you, I guess. Whilst things were 'fine' at home, they didn't argue and co-habited with ease, they had no deep connection, no sex, no mutual interests, it seemed to be a routine and a habit that pulled him back and fear (I knew he was scared of making such a big change) that stopped him from leaving. I'll never understand it, as much as I rationalise it. But that's because I'm looking at it as though I'm in his shoes, I know damn well what I'd do...

 

There are things that are important to your guy that are outside of your relationship with him, as right or natural as the relationship feels for you. For some people, staying together when others aren't is seen as something valuable, an achievement, even when the parties are unhappy/not fulfilled. And the kids, the children thing is massive. We all know of heart-breaking stories of the kids being swayed against dad and contact breaking down; I have never been in that situation and can't imagine how hard it is for the parents faced with that.

 

If your guy's not ready, he's not ready. And I know it hurts, every minute of every day hurts right now, but there is absolutely nothing you can (or should) do to try and change his mind. If he came to you now, with unfinished business in his marriage, it would ruin your relationship with him and he may well end up going back to his wife in any case.

 

He has things he has to think about and consider and he'll do that, and needs to be free to do that. Your concern should be you. Your health and wellbeing. I've existed, at times, like a ghost these last 2-3 weeks, going through the motions. Really, even washing my hair seemed like the biggest challenge in the world when I was at rock bottom. I know that sounds crazy...

 

Posting on here is a big comfort, as is ANYTHING that forces you to concentrate. Work (not that I've done much) is great for me, I've played some extra golf, watched some dreadful movies and played mindless online games that just stop me from feeling mopey, even if it's just 60 seconds at a time!

 

And you said "he could be the one for me". Yes, COULD. He could possibly be, but there's not only one, I'm sure of that. And it's no consolation now but it's easy to think that your future happiness has just marched off in to the sunset but that really isn't true. I promise.

I meant to say thanks earlier for your message, Silly Girl. It sounded so familiar, but was really helpful. You're right - he has alot to think about. Beyond everything, he needs to figure out why on earth he would do something like this - to himself, to me, to his family. I just hope he is losing as much sleep as I am thinking about all this.

[2sunny]

so start looking or another job so you can have your sanity back. it's just a job. for you to be there gives him the opportunity to access you and reel you back in which will hinder your growth.

 

he does all these things because he's selfish and wants what he wants - and will make sure he gets it all (ego feed).

 

you won't heal until you get a firm boundary with him. NC helps YOU to move forward.

 

tell him to only contact you if and when his divorce is FINAL and he is available. that is when you should consider it... no a friendship so he can go on having fun with you while it keeps you stuck waiting around for him to leave his W.

 

you deserve more than that. he's only offering you a fraction of what you deserve and he knows it - meanwhile he gets it all... why wouldn't he want that for himself? don't go along with it - it's simply not enough when a man isn't available.

[lilagirl]

jwi71 -

 

I have a very good judge for master manipulators and liars (I grew up with two of them - my parents) and so, even if I still fall prey to it, I know when I'm being played. This guy is either the best manipulator EVER, or he is so clueless that he is manipulating me without even knowing he is doing so. I have watched the frustration and confusion on his face, and I have listened to him when he has gotten upset.

 

Everything you are saying is correct. Its going to sound like I'm so gullible and am just defending this cad, but I am being honest when I say this guy is neither smart enough - nor crafty enough - to be as slick as you give him credit for.

 

Hi Hun - If you trust your MMs feelings, that is okay. I believe that my MM is totally honest with me - about everything. To go through your grieving process believing you have lost the love of your life is one thing, to now have to consider that it never was real is another. Just trust your heart on this one. Many on LS believe that all MMs are liars... just trust yourself.

 

 

I DO think he is still trying to play all the odds. If he has truly chosen his family for good, then he would have completely shut the door on me. But his desire to be friends with me, and how he keeps stressing this, shows me that he has not come to terms with me being out of his life yet. Well, either that, or he really does not care as deeply for me as I thought and he thinks I can just sweet everything under the rug. Hell if I know.

 

Of course he wants to be friends with you. He doesn`t want to go through the same pain you are. He wants the confort of the relationship,

while playing husband and dad. I know for me, if my MM made his decision, I would not be friends. The roller coaster is big enough just being an OW, nevermind adding the pain of breakups and more promises.

 

I have gone from utterly despondent, to heartbroken, to angry, to lonely, to sad, to now just.... confused. I am confused more than anything. I don't understand..

 

((((HUGS))) Oh hun. I am so sorry.

 

 

I read the info on NC, and its very good. Now here's the kicker. I have to communicate with him for work things. I know that if I am polite, but distant, he will find me and ask all sorts of questions. I will probably try to stay strong but end up crying. He will hold me and talk sweetly and I will end up saying all kinds of nonsense like "I understand" and "I want you in my life" and blah blah blah.

 

I am terrified on what to do, how to handle that. Short of quitting my job or getting myself in real work trouble by refusing to talk to him, I don't know what to do...

 

I have never gone NC, so I don`t really have allot of advice here. I would suggest just being firm. When you need contact, just keep it at that. "I would appreciate it if we could keep this professional" Don`t respond to emails or pleas. Accept no lunches unless he is out of the house. From what I have read... this roller coaster is just beginning if you let him back in.

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I wish you the best. Please stop beating yourself up. No one deserves this pain you are in, regardless if the man is married or not. Just learn, learn what you will not be treated like in your next relationship.

[blueberries]

first of all, OP, sorry that you're going through this and feeling this way...

 

but i agree with what jwi71 has said. your "MM" came on to you, full force, that to me doesn't sound like a novice. he set out to bait you, and he succeeded.

 

much like someone said before, if you want something bad enough, you will find a way...likewise, if someone says he or she loves you, he or she will find a way to be with you. here, he clearly stated that he loves his wife. believe him. he loves her, and he'll never leave her. but then again, i don't know much of anything lol.

 

i had a close friend who had an affair with a MM, he told her he loved her and will divorce his wife to be with her...he cared for her, and seemed sincere enough. but low and behold, his wife became pregnant with their 3rd child...clearly he wasn't going to leave anytime soon.

 

i guess the point of my story is, you never know what's going on in his home (like jwi71 said)... for all you know he's perfectly happy with his wife and family.

 

but good luck to you....i hope you will soon heal... and come to realize that if he cares and loves you as much as he says, his actions would prove it.

[sisyphus]

Wow, wow, wow.

I have so much to learn and this is not going to be an easy process. What is it about being the OW that makes me spend so much time thinking about my MM and HIS feelings and HIS thoughts and HIS motivations?

 

I've spent alot of today reading posts on this site (what a Godsend) and it hit me that I need to spend alot more time thinking about MY feelings. I'm so worried about instituting NC because I don't want to "lose" him. What a joke! Why am I so worried about losing someone who obviously does not care about me?

 

I was used, and worse, I allowed myself to be used. I'm sure my MM felt something for me, maybe still does. But I allowed myself to be suckered in by his words and ignored his actions. He did do one thing that make me really think that he was serious about me, but his further actions negated that effort.

 

Someone wrote that its obvious where his heart lies because he chose to hurt me and not the W. That statement, while obvious, hit me really hard. That has been my point all along. What on earth did I do to deserve to be the dumping ground for this mess? Why do I have to hurt? How can he sleep at night knowing he's lied - not only to his W and family, but to me as well - and to himself, too?

 

We had an argument because he said at one point I gave him a look that made him feel like I thought he was just using me. I realize now that he got so upset because I may have hit the nail on the head... or close enough anyway. He said that look made him feel so guilty and hurt and upset, and how could I ever think that?

 

Ummmm.... because you're cheating on your W with me? And you tell me that you've fallen for me and that you're right on the edge of leaving everything you know - to be with me... and then you turn around say - basically - nah, never mind, I'm taking the easy way out?

 

It is helping so much to talk on this forum because I'm working my way through so many emotions. I'm getting angry now. Really, really angry. At him, at myself, at life. Mostly at myself though. For being so stupid. And for STILL caring about him. I am pretty sure he's not sitting at home crying HIS eyes out right now...

[Silly_Girl]

You echo so many of my own thoughts. And it's all good stuff, all necessary and constructive (and painful and diffcult).

 

Well done on how far you've come so quickly. Sending you a hug!

[2sunny]

now you're getting somewhere!

[sisyphus]

now you're getting somewhere!

 

Thanks for the vote of confidence... but I've got a long journey ahead. I just know that tomorrow at work I'm going to hear from him - a call, an email, an IM (he has already told me that he would be "checking up on me") - and I'm not going to know WHAT to do. My stupid, insecure self is going to think "aww, how sweet, he's checking on me".

 

My "stronger" (ha!) self tonight just realised - wait a &^$! minute... if he was REALLY sweet, he wouldn't have put me in this place in the first place. And even beyond that, where was his sweetness when I was nearly comatose this weekend? Laying in bed for hours on end, crying my eyes out, not eating, not wanting to move, to breathe, to think?? Where was his "concern" then?

 

I know if I bring this up to him, I'll get the "you know I couldn't call you over the weekend! I wanted to, but..." and then there would be some excuse. OR he will say that he "wanted to give me some space" or something similar.

 

All sounds good... but I can tell you that if my BFF found a way to get in touch with me from the other side of the WORLD because she knew I was hurting, then my MM should have been able to pick up the damn phone... am I right? I don't want to sound irrational, but it seems to me that if I knew someone was pretty much eviscerated by my actions, if someone had told me that I had hurt them immeasurably and that they weren't sure if they were going to be okay, and that they were SCARED of being alone for two days with their pain, their hurt and their anger - that if I REALLY cared, regardless of the situation, I would have found a way to make contact.

 

Ladies, am I wrong here? Even if he thinks I "need space", if he really cares, he would have found a way to check on me, right? I mean, for all he knows, I could be in the ER, or the crazy house, or curled up in the fetal position in my bathtub having suffered a nervous breakdown.

 

God, now I just want to punch his stupid face!!!

 

I need to hold on to this feeling tomorrow when I begin my NC. My biggest problem is that I will want to yell all these things to him and then get his response. But the problem is that his response - I am SURE of it - will somehow make ME feel like I'm in the wrong. I'm being needy. He's TOLD me that its over so why should I expect him to be calling? Or maybe he'd say that he thought my friends would be there for me, and that I need to have a life outside of him (even though he told me I shouldn't talk to my friends about the A and break-up because it would just "confuse" me). Yeah, I'm not sure of what he'd say except that it would be a doozy and I'd be left feeling like I did something wrong. He's very, very good at that...

 

Anyway, thanks again for listening. I've spent the day ranting and raving and you kind people have listened and tried to help. I am not sure about much right now, but I do know one thing.

 

I will NEVER, EVER, EVER be the OW EVER again. EVER. I'd honestly rather play Russian Roulette. Because it is essentially the same thing.

[lovinmylife]

hello,

not trying to be brutal here, but you talk about the things that your MM was telling you and all of that. think about it. what man in his "right mind" who is looking for some action is not going to tell you what he thinks you want to hear? if he didn't, he prob thought you wouldn't give it up to him. what i mean is, it was "innocent" at first but then as time went by he wanted to make sure you were still there when HE wanted so he told you stuff to keep you there, string you along.

he doesn't love you. you're right, his heart is with his wife. he wants to be friends so that he can come when HE wants. he obviously doesn't care about how you feel. he's going to tell you that it hurts him bc of blah blah blah bc he knows you care. he knows what buttons to push. he wants to keep his opportunity open with you (sex, not relationship).

in other words. . . "i don't want you, i know you are hurt, i can't do this anymore, but let's stay in touch just in case i need another stroke to my ego". . . is probably what he's thinking.

[Ellin]

Someone wrote that its obvious where his heart lies because he chose to hurt me and not the W. That statement, while obvious, hit me really hard. That has been my point all along. What on earth did I do to deserve to be the dumping ground for this mess? Why do I have to hurt? How can he sleep at night knowing he's lied - not only to his W and family, but to me as well - and to himself, too?

 

Don't think like that, sweetie. It's only making you feel worse and it's not even correct. It's a huge simplification, one of them which you find often on this forum.

 

It's not about you or the W. It's only about HIM. It's NOT a contest between the 2 women involved. It's only to do with HIS feelings, his fears, his limitations and what is EASIER for him and easier considering all the aspects. Human nature.

 

He isn't all bad nor a cold b*****d, who set out to "get" you. Rs and particularly As involve such complex, difficult emotions for all involved.