Joppy Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Hi all - new here, so please be gentle... I'm 30, my gf is 28...we've been together for about two years now. She has no kids and does not want/like them. I have a son from a previous marriage, which oddly, she gets along with fine. I don't want any more kids and obviously she doesn't want kids, either. So, we talked about it and I had a vasectomy in March. My "sample" date--to give me the "all clear"--is coming up pretty soon and I mention it to her. I tell her I'm going to take one in on Monday, and she says, "but I'll be at work". I said, "Yeah, I know". And her reply is, "Why would you do that without me?" Odd as it sounds, we've never talked about masturbation (or as she calls it, 'that') in the relationship, so this prompts a conversation about it. She proceeds to explain to me that she doesn't want me doing 'that' (for this, or any other occasion) because she's concerned about, "what I am going to be thinking about". She goes on to explain that she is concerned, because: (1) she's pretty sure I'll be thinking about other women, (2) if I have to do 'that', she feels like she's not doing "her job" in the relationship/I'm losing interest in her sexually, and (3) if I do it while she's at work, all she's going to be able to think about is me doing 'that'. So, she walks out of the house pissed... Now, I could understand her being upset if I telling her, "Hey, I'm going to lunch to meet an old girlfriend" or something like that. But to get jealous over masturbation? That seems a little crazy/control-freakish to me...
Citizen Erased Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 She sounds very insecure. Like you're cheating if you're masturbating, something that is so normal. Are you prepared to have a relationship full of drama when she catches you going to town on yourself? Needless drama is exhausting.
Sivok Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Tell her you only ever think of her when you do it. Worked on my ex
RedRussian Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Your man Gut is telling you the truth she is in fact a lot of crazy/control-freakish. Most women are crazy so this is just a whole another level of that. Proceed with extreme caution. Also women who don't ever want children are a red flag in my book. it's like they resist the role of a woman and will live to a standard of some Feminist Men Hating Agenda ( FMHA ).
Arbitrariness Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I agree with Russian, proceed with caution. It may be necessary to consult the hot vs crazy scale: http://img1.tvloop.com/img/showpics/55/a2/l3544ce910000_1_24401.jpg She may be drifting under the line, towards the uncanny valley (red).
phineas Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 It would take a woman sexing me down twice a day every day to eliminate my need to masterbate. I wonder how long it would take a woman with the same attitude as your GF to give me the green light to spank it? LOL!
reservoirdog1 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I agree with the others -- this is NOT a good sign. Reality: fish swim, birds fly, and men jerk off. Something tells me that, if you tell her that you only ever think of her when you're "taking matters into your own hands", she won't buy it. Hopefully she will. But you shouldn't HAVE to tell her that. Her being jealous or feeling threatened by you jerking off is crazy. Sure, you could lie to her and tell her that you don't jerk off at all. But then one day, if she walks in on you doing it, she'll accuse you of betraying her or deceiving her or something. Danger, Will Robinson.
Author Joppy Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 Thanks all for the great replies. @Sivok - LOL - worked on your ex...must've gotten out from under the crazy, I take it? @Citizen Erased - Yeah, she's very insecure, and admits to it. We've talked about that recently, too, which she seems to think I need to "help her with". I just point-blank told her that I can't do that. She needs to make up her mind to not let a lot of **** get to her or go see someone that can properly help her (i.e. a therapist). @Phineas - Oh, she takes care of me just fine in the sex dept. Her and I are on pretty much the same wavelength, there. Although I suspect--based on recent topics of discussion--that she does it more to keep her pulse on the relationship, than anything else. @RedRussian - No, she's not some Femi-Nazi Man Hater or anything like that. I should have stated that she doesn't mind kids, so long as she can send them away when they act up. She doesn't want kids because she just doesn't have the patience to play mom full-time...the sound of a baby crying makes her want to snap. She's also the academic type, wants to start working on her PhD soon, and doesn't want kids to keep her from achieving that. Like I said, she's great with my son, but he's only around part-time and isn't at the "crying baby" age. As I've been thinking about her reaction to this situation, it's made me think of other things that have come up (i.e. her immediate need to read every text I get from whomever, put all my v-mail on speaker...whether from a male or female..., etc.). I mean, it'd be different if I'd cheated on her at some point, but I've never done anything like that. I've pretty much made up my mind I'm going to do what I need to, and let her know about it. I'm not about to spend my time with her lying/hiding things from her.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 ...... it's made me think of other things that have come up (i.e. her immediate need to read every text I get from whomever, put all my v-mail on speaker...whether from a male or female..., etc.). This is so serious, it's almost sick. I would never dream of doing anything of the kind to my partner, and the fact that she does this screams low self-esteem insecurity, control and bunny boiler..... I'm sorry, but such areas should be off limits, unless you show them to her, or offer to let her hear them. This is just feeding her control, and you're enabling her behaviour. Now, once you pull out and deny her access, her jealousy and suspicion will escalate and she will believe you are hiding something. And this will have been your responsibility, for allowing this to reach this point. I would suggest you ask her: "Have you ever found any texts you've been suspicious of, or that have made you jealous?" "Have you ever heard anything on my VM that has made you jealous or anxious about me?" if the reply is 'No, never' to both, you tell her: "Ok, from now on, you do not get access to my mobile texts, and you do not get to hear my VM. Your jealousy and insecurity are extreme, and unnatural. You say I need to help you with that. Ok, I'm helping you: I'm telling you now, you need to see someone professional, because otherwise your behaviour is going to escalate, and become more irrational. I'm not prepared to live having to prove myself all the time, and justify myself to you, when you have no right and no foundation, or basis for being so jealous and suspicious. I've pretty much made up my mind I'm going to do what I need to, and let her know about it. I'm not about to spend my time with her lying/hiding things from her. Good. but you need to do this across the board. not aggressively, not confrontationally, but if her behaviour has gotten worse, it's not going to get better on its own. That's the trend.
RedRussian Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Above Poster is Right! her immediate need to read every text I get from whomever, put all my v-mail on speaker...whether from a male or female..., etc.) Dude! she is holding your manhood with one hand and another is sharping a knife, RUN BRO! Sex is not worth becoming an Eunice ( hope i spelled it right ). Be a man, no sex is worth it, have some self control and respect hommie
Author Joppy Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 @TaraMaiden - Wow - I really liked your reply; totally makes sense. I can't believe I didn't think about how I'm enabling her to continue her irrational behavior. I'm definitely going to try that on the next txt/vmail/IM, etc. Yeah, I hadn't planned to be draconian about it at all. Just state the facts...no sense in feeding the fire... You know, I just happened to think about something with all her insecurity. We had an incident about 6 mos into the relationship; she wasn't "cheating" (i.e. sleeping with her ex) but she wasn't at work--where she was supposed to be--she was with him having coffee and I found out...long story... Do you think this insecurity over the possibility of me cheating could be tied to her own guilt?
Confusedalways Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I cannot imagine becoming jealous about something so trivial... that's really very disturbing.
Mimolicious Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 This is ridiculous. Sounds very childish. What exactly she thinks you are doing when you take those Looong hot showers? You sound like you have an insecure control-freak at home!! I can see her driving you to cheat on her.
RedRussian Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Eunuch!!!! There, your one small step from that reality. If you get married i would pack up and go work in a Castle.
Mimolicious Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 BTW, did you get this Vasectomy because she talked you into it? I hope not!!!!!!!!!
torranceshipman Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Personally I think that sounds crazy and unreasonable and really over dramatic. I couldn't deal with that. But saying that, if you 2 have been together 2 years, and this is the only real issue that has come up, you're probably not doing too badly!
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 @TaraMaiden - Wow - I really liked your reply; totally makes sense. I can't believe I didn't think about how I'm enabling her to continue her irrational behavior. I'm definitely going to try that on the next txt/vmail/IM, etc. Yeah, I hadn't planned to be draconian about it at all. Just state the facts...no sense in feeding the fire... There's no question she has serious personal issues, and while I completely agree you should not be carrying this for her, or being her therapist - she does need counselling. So while you really do need to stand your ground, you need to also be understanding. I would suspect at some point, she has been cr*pped on from a great height.... You know, I just happened to think about something with all her insecurity. We had an incident about 6 mos into the relationship; she wasn't "cheating" (i.e. sleeping with her ex) but she wasn't at work--where she was supposed to be--she was with him having coffee and I found out...long story... Do you think this insecurity over the possibility of me cheating could be tied to her own guilt? Hard to tell without knowing precisely what happened when you pulled her up on it, or discovered it.... I would say it's something she fears in you, but doesn't understand is also unacceptable in her behaviour.... or maybe it was a kind of subconscious psychological test.... to see your reaction.... to do to you what she fears most you'll do to her.... But to be frank - that was then. This is now. I think it's not either up to you - or certainly me, or us - to try to figure out past behaviour. it's up to her. With the professional support of a counsellor.
torranceshipman Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 OK just read the whole post...she is really unreasonable.
2sure Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 If you are otherwise happy as a couple, sometimes you just have to deal with some things. If her wanting to filter & edit your thoughts is something you're willing to sacrifice , go for it. Or maybe, she will say to herself..ok, great guy, so he masturbates...I can be OK with that. Beats thought control.
Author Joppy Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 @Mimolicious - LOL - No, it was completely my decision to get 'snipped'. @torranceshipman - No, we've had others, but most of them we could talk through. Ones that can be tied back--through her admitting it, not my telling her it--to her insecurity are always the ones that keep rearing their heads. @TaraMaiden - The short version is that she was supposed to be at work, one of my friends called me from their cell, and said they saw her in Starbucks with her ex. I confronted her about it when she got home, she lied and said my friend was mistaken...she was definitely at work. I told her to give me her cell so I could call the person she was supposed to be working on a project with, she copped to lying to me. But you're right - I have forgiven her, but I haven't forgotten...what is done is done and the focus needs to be on the "now" issue.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 The short version is that she was supposed to be at work, one of my friends called me from their cell, and said they saw her in Starbucks with her ex. I confronted her about it when she got home, she lied and said my friend was mistaken...she was definitely at work. I told her to give me her cell so I could call the person she was supposed to be working on a project with, she copped to lying to me. But you're right - I have forgiven her, but I haven't forgotten...what is done is done and the focus needs to be on the "now" issue. Jesus, this is just getting better and better. She lied to you about something like that, right up until the moment when there was no way she could keep up the lie. Have you considered the likelihood that, since she kept lying till she had no choice, there's more to that story than you know? Plus the irrational jealousy over your innocent text messages and voicemails... and you jerking off. Glad the sex is good. That's something, at least. Seriously dude... that chick is fycked in the head. I'm not just trying to be flippant or unkind. That is some highly messed-up shyt. Thank god you're snipped. Get out now, while it's relatively easy. And for christ's sake, don't marry the bunny boiler.
RedRussian Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 I confronted her about it when she got home, she lied and said my friend was mistaken...she was definitely at work. I told her to give me her cell so I could call the person she was supposed to be working on a project with, she copped to lying to me. Get ready for more of this in the future.
torranceshipman Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 She lied to you about meeting another guy in Starbucks, then puts YOU through all this crap? She sounds like way more effort than I could handle. If my partner was like that, I wouldn't be able to date him.
WintersNightTraveler Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Have you considered that she knows you masturbate, and knows that it is common/normal, but is just deliberately manipulating you? Or perhaps genuinely feels that way about masturbation, but also recognizes it as a way to gain the upper hand (guily tripping you, absolving her indiscretions by making your normal behavior look bad, etc). Normally that sort of manipulation angle isn't my first thought, and I'd chalk it up to insecurity, but the whole thing about lying about the ex when confronted until you *really* pressed the issue makes me wonder. Well that and all the other outrageous stuff you mention, and also that it seems a bit weird to me that she's become worldly enough to calmly discuss vasectomies, but not masturbation. Of course, nothing says she can't be manipulative and insecure. Personally I'd walk but that's just me. I hope there is a lot of other good stuff to balance out some pretty unacceptable behavior on her part here.
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