BlackLovely Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I have had this experience as well, but with an old high school chum who married and had children at at nineteen. After she married, she morphed into a condescending fool. Her mantra became, "You're single, so you wouldn't understand." My resentment at being dumped for her men and spoken down to, leaked out as snide remarks about uneducated stay at home moms. So nice to get rid of such poison. I have three good ladies in my life now and I hope we stay friends for as long as we're meant to. I no longer believe that all friendships should last for life. OP, people will treat you the way you allow them to. I concur that you seem like a sweetheart and you deserve better.
Mary3 Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I have had this experience as well, but with an old high school chum who married and had children at at nineteen. After she married, she morphed into a condescending fool. Her mantra became, "You're single, so you wouldn't understand." My resentment at being dumped for her men and spoken down to, leaked out as snide remarks about uneducated stay at home moms. So nice to get rid of such poison. I have three good ladies in my life now and I hope we stay friends for as long as we're meant to. I no longer believe that all friendships should last for life. OP, people will treat you the way you allow them to. I concur that you seem like a sweetheart and you deserve better. Yup, I can relate. My friend forced her fiance to marry her - ultimatum - ( said she would leave if he didn't ) so he caved in and married her. ( Wow, I wonder how long that will last ? She wanted that Mrs_______ title and everything from then on was : My husband this , my husband that , and don't forget this is my new last name . While its normal to take their last name and be happy you are married , this relationship was so dysfunctional , he was very insecure and drove off what little friends she did have. She even called him a loser ...said he cried too much ...so messed up ! For what ?? For the title of marriage. Too her it was like a badge. Even though that one can stick you right in the heart... They can have each other. When he dumps her I won't be there...
sadintexas Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I've been through something very similar (I've posted on here about it before). Long story short, I met my best friend when we were 15. We remained best friends for 20 years. I emotionally supported her through most of those years as she had been through some hard times. When the tables were turned and I needed her, she was too consumed with more of her own self created drama to be able to support me at all. I was dealing with my D at that time and it seemed a good time to emotionally clean house. I was already terminating one dysfunctional relationship so I decided to terminate ours as well. I've never regretted it. I'd have to ask you D-lish, what is it that YOU are getting from this friendship? If you're not getting anything from it, what is it that you're afraid of losing?
threebyfate Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Hey D, how did things go with the email exchange?
freestyle Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Hey D........ Wow, I'm currently going through almost the same scenario as you with my bff of 10 years----it's heartbreaking.As bad, if not worse than going through a breakup with a guy. I reached the conclusion, many years ago, that friendships were even more important than romantic relationships. Guys come and go--but that girlfriend who's got your back----that's a relationship that has to be nurtured and maintained, whether there's a guy in your life or not. I don't think your friend has figured that out yet.Looking at the history of your friendship dynamics, I wonder if she ever will. (neither has mine--she's left our friendship on drip-feed for the last year and a half, despite all her promises of how we'd be friends forever. And I DON'T abuse the friendship, and have expectations of her to drop everything for me......... I'm just starting to realize that I'm the friend on the shelf---she only gives enough to keep me hooked in, cuz she wants me handy in case she does need me.But I'm supposed to sit quietly on the shelf, and not inconvenience her with any of my needs.....just sit there until I can be useful to her.) It sounds like that's how your friend has been treating you.Yep, it feels like crap, and the guilt creeps in, but at some point,the resentment, and very real hurt outweighs the guilt. My emotional guillotine is poised, and ready to sever the ties---and my hand is starting to ache from holding the rope....... My friend just got engaged ,too. She told me via email, the night before she went out of town for two weeks........I'm wondering if she's going to ask me to stand up, also. I think I'm going to be in the exact same position as you............not sure what to do. I do think your sitch is worse than mine, though. Your friend's track record looks really bad, from an outside observer's viewpoint........she blew you off for 5 years, cuz she had a guy in her life.........then expected you to help pick up the pieces when she fell apart............... ......only to ditch you again, when she met a new guy. She saw you as the IBBF...........the In Between Boyfriends Friend. The Faithful Standby. I've seen so many women do this, and I think it's wrong. If I was in your shoes, D, I think I'd have to decline her request.I don't think you need all the added stress, and from what I've read in your other posts, you're still just getting back on your feet.You don't owe anyone support who has failed to provide it for you.
Author D-Lish Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Hey D, how did things go with the email exchange? I'm in the wedding party. We had a few exchanges, met again in person- and hammered things out. I loved her like a sister once- and that was lost along the way, but she wants to get it back- and I'm going to throw myself into it for her sake. Maybe it's to my detriment, I'm trying to remain optimistic about things. For the first time ever, she acknowledged my hurt- which was a big step. I'm going to try- and I'm going to put my faith in her one more time. I may get burned, I'm hoping that doesn't happen.
threebyfate Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I'm in the wedding party. We had a few exchanges, met again in person- and hammered things out. I loved her like a sister once- and that was lost along the way, but she wants to get it back- and I'm going to throw myself into it for her sake. Maybe it's to my detriment, I'm trying to remain optimistic about things. For the first time ever, she acknowledged my hurt- which was a big step. I'm going to try- and I'm going to put my faith in her one more time. I may get burned, I'm hoping that doesn't happen.((hugs)) darlin'. Wishing you all the luck that she lives up to her part of the friendship. Don't be afraid to put your foot down if she tries to take advantage. You've got the whip hand unless she wants to run around and find another bridesmaid.
Author D-Lish Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 ((hugs)) darlin'. Wishing you all the luck that she lives up to her part of the friendship. Don't be afraid to put your foot down if she tries to take advantage. You've got the whip hand unless she wants to run around and find another bridesmaid. I know TBF, and as you know, I have an issue with being overly compassionate in my personal life. I don't know- I don't operate this way in my professional life! I am a completely different person in my professional life than I am in my personal life! In my professional life I see people differently, and no one really pushes me around- but I lack the same boundaries in my personal relationships.
threebyfate Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I know TBF, and as you know, I have an issue with being overly compassionate in my personal life. I don't know- I don't operate this way in my professional life! I am a completely different person in my professional life than I am in my personal life! In my professional life I see people differently, and no one really pushes me around- but I lack the same boundaries in my personal relationships.But that's part of what makes you so special. Your compassion. If you need help at any time with asserting boundaries, you know where to find me.
Author D-Lish Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 But that's part of what makes you so special. Your compassion. If you need help at any time with asserting boundaries, you know where to find me. I do, and thank you:love: Also thank you to Mary and Freestyle for your perspectives.
Mary3 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I do, and thank you:love: Also thank you to Mary and Freestyle for your perspectives. Your welcome D~lish and have a great time
Author D-Lish Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Your welcome D~lish and have a great time Thanks Mary- and I am going to make the best of it. Thanks again for your insight into the matter. I'm really hoping our friendship will grow into something as meaningful as it once was years back. It was a good friendship at one point.
Mary3 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Thanks Mary- and I am going to make the best of it. Thanks again for your insight into the matter. I'm really hoping our friendship will grow into something as meaningful as it once was years back. It was a good friendship at one point. I think it will grow if its meant to grow Keep us posted !
Chinook Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 D - I know this is late... but, this happened to me a few years back with my oldest friend. I think part of the issue I had at the time was I had to learn to recognise that her idea of what she was to me as my friend, was very different from what my idea of it was. Once I realised that she only really needed me when she needed a 'need' fulfilling, it made it easier on me. It also made it easier for me to understand that sometimes, when people drop us, and pick us up again... it's because they can and in some ways, that's a priveleged position to be in (yes, some may see it as being soft). Like you, I will never turn my friend away, I love her dearly. But I don't have that much contact with her at the moment (practically because of the same reasons as you, she married and dropped me at a critical point in my life). I've learned that I don't need to need her like she does me... and that's okay. So... when I do come back to her, at her request, it's because *I* want to and because it makes me feel positive about things. I don't do it under duress. I must caution you, that... the feeling of 'getting burned' may not go away, but it will make you understand that your friendship will evolve and change. It's like any relationship. I decided that I love my friend and would like to remain friends... more than not having contact with her. So, when she needs me, I respond. If she doesn't need me, I have learned not to need her. Unequal maybe - but I have other people in my life, who I can rely upon to be there unconditionally for me.
Author D-Lish Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Well, no use in starting a new thread about this- but she fired me from her wedding party because she said I wasn't doing enough, lol. I shouldn't have worked things out and accepted the position in the first place. I should have had the balls to say NO in the first place. The last couple of months have been ridiculous. I've been out with her 5 times to watch her try on dresses. I set up a registry for her, I've met with her venue on her behalf (twice) and I put a lot of work into correspondence and negotiations with them because she wanted things that the venue was against. I got her those things...The she cancelled her venue because she had a tiff with the on-site co-ordinator.... She wanted me to start the cycle of bargaining with her new venue- but I have a freaking job that is currently keeping me busy 6 days a week. I couldn't make the first appointment and she immediately got upset. She told me "this is the most important thing I've ever done, and if I can't rely on you..." The week she wanted me to go to her new venue, I had a store opening I had to concentrate on. It's my freaking job- and she's in the same industry as I am in, so she knows I can't just take an afternoon off to be at her beck and call. I used to be a wedding planner, so she has been leaning on me constantly to book things for her- negotiate limo and flower prices- even used my vendor's permit to order her centerpieces. This past Saturday she threw a housewarming/halloween party. I knew about it in advance and agreed to come. Saturdays are my crazy day. I always have a long day- I am up by 8 compiling data to send to head office, then on the road to do my visits. I don't ever get home before 7pm. I told her I'd come by later, but I wouldn't get dressed up. She was pretty adamant that I had to get dressed up in a halloween costume or I couldn't come. This got my back up. I've been going out of my way for her for years- I've really come to the plate to be involved with her wedding. Apparantly she needs to control me to the point of forcing me to dress up or I am a bad friend. I didn't go to her party. Her last text to me that day was "don't wear a costume that involves shoes because S and I are really obsessive about keeping our floors clean". I think I realized then and there that I was done with the BS I have been putting up with for years. It's all about her, it's always going to be all about her- and I know that once she's married, she's going to drop me like a hot potato. Anyway, after I told her I had no costume- she told me not to come. Monday morning she sent me a long e-mail telling me I was a bad friend. I basically told her to f-off and I was done.
Mary3 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Well, no use in starting a new thread about this- but she fired me from her wedding party because she said I wasn't doing enough, lol. I shouldn't have worked things out and accepted the position in the first place. I should have had the balls to say NO in the first place. The last couple of months have been ridiculous. I've been out with her 5 times to watch her try on dresses. I set up a registry for her, I've met with her venue on her behalf (twice) and I put a lot of work into correspondence and negotiations with them because she wanted things that the venue was against. I got her those things...The she cancelled her venue because she had a tiff with the on-site co-ordinator.... She wanted me to start the cycle of bargaining with her new venue- but I have a freaking job that is currently keeping me busy 6 days a week. I couldn't make the first appointment and she immediately got upset. She told me "this is the most important thing I've ever done, and if I can't rely on you..." The week she wanted me to go to her new venue, I had a store opening I had to concentrate on. It's my freaking job- and she's in the same industry as I am in, so she knows I can't just take an afternoon off to be at her beck and call. I used to be a wedding planner, so she has been leaning on me constantly to book things for her- negotiate limo and flower prices- even used my vendor's permit to order her centerpieces. This past Saturday she threw a housewarming/halloween party. I knew about it in advance and agreed to come. Saturdays are my crazy day. I always have a long day- I am up by 8 compiling data to send to head office, then on the road to do my visits. I don't ever get home before 7pm. I told her I'd come by later, but I wouldn't get dressed up. She was pretty adamant that I had to get dressed up in a halloween costume or I couldn't come. This got my back up. I've been going out of my way for her for years- I've really come to the plate to be involved with her wedding. Apparantly she needs to control me to the point of forcing me to dress up or I am a bad friend. I didn't go to her party. Her last text to me that day was "don't wear a costume that involves shoes because S and I are really obsessive about keeping our floors clean". I think I realized then and there that I was done with the BS I have been putting up with for years. It's all about her, it's always going to be all about her- and I know that once she's married, she's going to drop me like a hot potato. Anyway, after I told her I had no costume- she told me not to come. Monday morning she sent me a long e-mail telling me I was a bad friend. I basically told her to f-off and I was done. Arghhhh ! I am so sorry D~lish ! Yes you can never please her , never be just perfect ( for her ) but then again you are not a manequin , you are a person ! I don't know if you are still thinking about cutting her loose but I would not blame you if you did. You did the RIGHT thing . Who DEMANDS someone who works 6 days a week MUST wear a costume when you have done a Bazilllion things for her ? It seems like she used you for your professional knowledge. Once the wedding is over - POOF ! You are forgotten. You will do the right thing for you. But HER being so greedy , selfish and disrespectful of your friendship is a HUGE RED FLAG ! Post back and let us know . You are a super person. You are just with a mean so-called-friend. I think the problem is you have or / had feelings for her so you hung on. But hung on for what ? Wedding Planner ? Chief Negotiator ? Florist Planner ? Cake Designer ? Caterer Representive , Invitation Go -to - Girl .?? Ugh ! You are far too amazing to put up with someone who is going to treat you like leftover Roast Beef idling in the fridge after her wedding nuptials.
Author D-Lish Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Arghhhh ! I am so sorry D~lish ! Yes you can never please her , never be just perfect ( for her ) but then again you are not a manequin , you are a person ! I don't know if you are still thinking about cutting her loose but I would not blame you if you did. You did the RIGHT thing . Who DEMANDS someone who works 6 days a week MUST wear a costume when you have done a Bazilllion things for her ? It seems like she used you for your professional knowledge. Once the wedding is over - POOF ! You are forgotten. You will do the right thing for you. But HER being so greedy , selfish and disrespectful of your friendship is a HUGE RED FLAG ! Post back and let us know . You are a super person. You are just with a mean so-called-friend. I think the problem is you have or / had feelings for her so you hung on. But hung on for what ? Wedding Planner ? Chief Negotiator ? Florist Planner ? Cake Designer ? Caterer Representive , Invitation Go -to - Girl .?? Ugh ! You are far too amazing to put up with someone who is going to treat you like leftover Roast Beef idling in the fridge after her wedding nuptials. Hi Mar, I should have listened to all the good advice in the first place! Even the person that said I was being a pussy! I was being a pushover and a pussy. I totally burned the bridge. I called her narcissistic and impossible to please. She completely cut me out of her life when she met her last bf, then when she met the new guy, she wanted me to be at her beck and call to do her wedding bidding. What did I do? I scrambled to please her. Everytime she's had a wedding dress appointment, she's expected the entirte wedding party to come- I missed one of those appointments and she sent me a long e-mail admonishing me. Even though I'd been to most of the appintments and have been directing her venue in my spare time- apparantly that's not enough. I finally feel relief.
denise_xo Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Well, no use in starting a new thread about this- but she fired me from her wedding party because she said I wasn't doing enough, lol. I shouldn't have worked things out and accepted the position in the first place. I should have had the balls to say NO in the first place. The last couple of months have been ridiculous. I've been out with her 5 times to watch her try on dresses. I set up a registry for her, I've met with her venue on her behalf (twice) and I put a lot of work into correspondence and negotiations with them because she wanted things that the venue was against. I got her those things...The she cancelled her venue because she had a tiff with the on-site co-ordinator.... She wanted me to start the cycle of bargaining with her new venue- but I have a freaking job that is currently keeping me busy 6 days a week. I couldn't make the first appointment and she immediately got upset. She told me "this is the most important thing I've ever done, and if I can't rely on you..." The week she wanted me to go to her new venue, I had a store opening I had to concentrate on. It's my freaking job- and she's in the same industry as I am in, so she knows I can't just take an afternoon off to be at her beck and call. I used to be a wedding planner, so she has been leaning on me constantly to book things for her- negotiate limo and flower prices- even used my vendor's permit to order her centerpieces. This past Saturday she threw a housewarming/halloween party. I knew about it in advance and agreed to come. Saturdays are my crazy day. I always have a long day- I am up by 8 compiling data to send to head office, then on the road to do my visits. I don't ever get home before 7pm. I told her I'd come by later, but I wouldn't get dressed up. She was pretty adamant that I had to get dressed up in a halloween costume or I couldn't come. This got my back up. I've been going out of my way for her for years- I've really come to the plate to be involved with her wedding. Apparantly she needs to control me to the point of forcing me to dress up or I am a bad friend. I didn't go to her party. Her last text to me that day was "don't wear a costume that involves shoes because S and I are really obsessive about keeping our floors clean". I think I realized then and there that I was done with the BS I have been putting up with for years. It's all about her, it's always going to be all about her- and I know that once she's married, she's going to drop me like a hot potato. Anyway, after I told her I had no costume- she told me not to come. Monday morning she sent me a long e-mail telling me I was a bad friend. I basically told her to f-off and I was done. Goodness. You must have the patience of fifty three saints...
Mary3 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Hi Mar, I should have listened to all the good advice in the first place! Even the person that said I was being a pussy! I was being a pushover and a pussy. I totally burned the bridge. I called her narcissistic and impossible to please. She completely cut me out of her life when she met her last bf, then when she met the new guy, she wanted me to be at her beck and call to do her wedding bidding. What did I do? I scrambled to please her. Everytime she's had a wedding dress appointment, she's expected the entirte wedding party to come- I missed one of those appointments and she sent me a long e-mail admonishing me. Even though I'd been to most of the appintments and have been directing her venue in my spare time- apparantly that's not enough. I finally feel relief. You had feelings for her. You wanted it to work . Just like I did. But looking back on it , everytime my friend was alone aka single she was all over our friendship , as soon as she got a bf , I was forgotten. It hurts . If you choose to let go of this , it does get better with time. Hugs
lucylove Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Your heart is clearly not in being in her wedding party, and understandably so. I do not think that with most people, she would still have a friend at all. Clearly you must care a lot for her--or at least you once did--and that is why you should talk. I think you should probably consider talking to her about it before you bow out, or at least give some indication of where you're coming from. Are you afraid that you will lay your hurt feelings on the table and she will discount them, and make it all about her? She may do so, but you have to know that is not your problem. Your problem is being true to yourself, and honoring your feelings for this friendship, and your reasons for pulling back, by bravely putting them out there. If you don't do this, you will not have closure. And you will always wonder, could we have fixed things? Even if she does cast you aside, there is still a chance that the truth will set in for her later on. She may undermine your reasoning, and then in the future experience an event or encounter that forces her to recall your position and reconsider how she has treated you and others. The truth is she is doing herself a disservice as well, and if you are still her friend at all, you will let her know. I would never want someone who felt like you do in my wedding, I would rather a friend be honest, because that is a real friend. I am sure you would want the same. Collect your thoughts and come to terms with your pain enough to express it. This could be very cathartic for you in moving past this; you will be proud of yourself; and, as icing on the cake, this is really your one good shot at saving the friendship.
Author D-Lish Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Your heart is clearly not in being in her wedding party, and understandably so. I do not think that with most people, she would still have a friend at all. Clearly you must care a lot for her--or at least you once did--and that is why you should talk. I think you should probably consider talking to her about it before you bow out, or at least give some indication of where you're coming from. Are you afraid that you will lay your hurt feelings on the table and she will discount them, and make it all about her? She may do so, but you have to know that is not your problem. Your problem is being true to yourself, and honoring your feelings for this friendship, and your reasons for pulling back, by bravely putting them out there. If you don't do this, you will not have closure. And you will always wonder, could we have fixed things? Even if she does cast you aside, there is still a chance that the truth will set in for her later on. She may undermine your reasoning, and then in the future experience an event or encounter that forces her to recall your position and reconsider how she has treated you and others. The truth is she is doing herself a disservice as well, and if you are still her friend at all, you will let her know. I would never want someone who felt like you do in my wedding, I would rather a friend be honest, because that is a real friend. I am sure you would want the same. Collect your thoughts and come to terms with your pain enough to express it. This could be very cathartic for you in moving past this; you will be proud of yourself; and, as icing on the cake, this is really your one good shot at saving the friendship. Been there, done that several times Lucy. I've laid some of those discussions out in this thread. This last blow out was the LAST discussion of a series of conversations going way back. When we had a sit down and I agreed to be in the wedding party, we had what I thought was a pretty good honest discussion about how she's made me feel in the past. WHen she started going back to the same old selfish behaviour- I realized I was done. A lot has transpired since I started this thread- but I know I made the best decision to not save the friendship.
Author D-Lish Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 You had feelings for her. You wanted it to work . Just like I did. But looking back on it , everytime my friend was alone aka single she was all over our friendship , as soon as she got a bf , I was forgotten. It hurts . If you choose to let go of this , it does get better with time. Hugs Thanks again Mary. It's been exhausting trying to live up to her demands the past couple of months. If she texts me about doing something for her wedding, and I didn't get back to her within 20 minutes- I'd get another text asking me if I am invested in helping her out. She was selfish and self-absorbed normally- but being a bride has made her crazier. I actually had a good sleep for the first time in a long time after I let this burden go. I know I made the right choice.
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