Don't want to be in her wedding party...

[D-Lish]

And this would be a bad thing, why?

 

She sounds like an emotional vampire, D. Frankly, I don't see what you get out of this "friendship".

 

I'd take a pass. Otherwise you will be mondo resentful going through this process.

 

I know it's not a bad thing actually- I feel a sense of relief that she's not speaking to me right now. As much as I used to get something out of the friendship a long time ago- nothing has been the same for years.

 

I still feel bad though- I go back and forth bewteen feeling bad and then getting angry again.

 

I think if she wants to talk about things, I'll let her suggest it, and I'll just be honest with her. The last text I sent her was that we should talk in person, and not have a silly text fight. If she's content to walk away, I feel content enough to let her at this point.

 

Then hold onto your unkindness since it's well deserved. She freaked on you for no reason and has shown you that it's always about her. Until she realizes that a friendship is a two-way street, she's not someone to hold onto. You're not to be used.

 

I've had people who have used me. Sayonara! Nothing says lovin' like a swift kick to the arse.

 

Since I have moved (twice), she hasn't come into my city to see me- not once. Even though I have made regular trips to drive out to see her and be her designated driver weekend after weekend. I stopped doing that a while ago.

 

At some point I just got tired of it all. I remember the defining moment for me- it was at the crux of my great loss of my business and my dream. I was making poor decisions, I was drinking too much, dating the wrong people, I was just lost, and I needed her- but she was in a relationship and that was her world at the time. She told me one night when I reached out to her that she couldn't handle my drama. I haven't felt the same since then. I had never had drama before that situation- I'd only dutifully dealt with hers. I haven't ever forgiven her for that, and I haven't brought up anything about what's ailing me since.

 

I accepted her back into my life when she wanted to reconnect after breaking up with her bf in January- but I never felt like we ever truly reconciled anything. We were just getting to know one another again and then she meets the guy across the hall and all of a sudden she's getting married and wants me to jump into bff mode. I can't do that for her.

[threebyfate]

Since I have moved (twice), she hasn't come into my city to see me- not once. Even though I have made regular trips to drive out to see her and be her designated driver weekend after weekend. I stopped doing that a while ago.

Yup, a definite red flag.

 

At some point I just got tired of it all. I remember the defining moment for me- it was at the crux of my great loss of my business and my dream. I was making poor decisions, I was drinking too much, dating the wrong people, I was just lost, and I needed her- but she was in a relationship and that was her world at the time. She told me one night when I reached out to her that she couldn't handle my drama. I haven't felt the same since then. I had never had drama before that situation- I'd only dutifully dealt with hers. I haven't ever forgiven her for that, and I haven't brought up anything about what's ailing me since.

You have GOT to be kidding me. She told you she couldn't handle your drama when she expects you be there for her all the time? It's one thing if you were abusive to her and another when I know you're not. She might as well have stood up and screamed "I'm a selfish SOB".

 

I accepted her back into my life when she wanted to reconnect after breaking up with her bf in January- but I never felt like we ever truly reconciled anything. We were just getting to know one another again and then she meets the guy across the hall and all of a sudden she's getting married and wants me to jump into bff mode. I can't do that for her.

I don't blame you one bit. She's not good friendship material.

[D-Lish]

Yup, a definite red flag.

 

You have GOT to be kidding me. She told you she couldn't handle your drama when she expects you be there for her all the time? It's one thing if you were abusive to her and another when I know you're not. She might as well have stood up and screamed "I'm a selfish SOB".

 

I don't blame you one bit. She's not good friendship material.

 

No she's not. A part of me always felt that she'd grow out of the selfishness. Hell TBF, you and everyone here at LS knows more of my strife to do with my loss than my supposed best friend does... And that's not the way things should be in a healthy friendship.

 

Honestly, I feel much better after posting- I resisted doing it for a while as I toiled with my emotions, but I feel much better hearing what you and others have to say. I allow myself to be a doormat sometimes, and I love that you guys have reminded me I am not overly insane for wanting out of this friendship.

 

When's that baby coming? lol.

[JustJoe]

D, you are one of a kind. And I think that if you did tell her to hit the bricks, you would be the one who felt bad, and suffered for it, not Miss Selfish. Oh, she would act the part of the wounded duck, but in reality, selfish , shallow people are usually able to move on, because they haven't invested much, in the first place. You are a class act, so do the classy thing and lie your little fanny off. Tell her you have a business meeting, your cat died, , your auntie has hives, or blame it on Al Quaida, anything to get out from under the wedding party noose. Then slowly but surely disengage from her. I mean it probably won't matter to her anyway, because as soon as she is hitched, you know she is going to wander off and forget you, so why bother?:cool:

[D-Lish]

D, you are one of a kind. And I think that if you did tell her to hit the bricks, you would be the one who felt bad, and suffered for it, not Miss Selfish. Oh, she would act the part of the wounded duck, but in reality, selfish , shallow people are usually able to move on, because they haven't invested much, in the first place. You are a class act, so do the classy thing and lie your little fanny off. Tell her you have a business meeting, your cat died, , your auntie has hives, or blame it on Al Quaida, anything to get out from under the wedding party noose. Then slowly but surely disengage from her. I mean it probably won't matter to her anyway, because as soon as she is hitched, you know she is going to wander off and forget you, so why bother?:cool:

 

That's my biggest fear! The past points to this conclusion.

 

I feel like I would give it my all, and she'll disappear again. She has a history of this.

[JustJoe]

You are a true sweetheart, and I know that you want to take the high road with her, because that's the kind of person you are. Whatever you do, put your own interests first, because you know that's what she will be doing.

[Mary3]

OMG Delish I really do relate and do feel for you.

 

I met my friend in the West Coast. We both were in Orientation in our new jobs. We clicked right away.

 

But along the way in getting to know her she was HUGELY selfish ! We want to look the other way and pretend we are being too harsh but in reality this person is NOT a good friend !

 

If we went anywhere SHE picked the movie and would walk out of it if she didnt like it . ( Hence later thats where I started going to movies with others , by myself or with a date )

 

Once we decided to take a plane to another state. Same thing . Bossy. We needed to go where she wanted to go.

 

Make no mistake . I am pretty independant and when she would act like the friend from HELL I would just remind myself why it was not a good friendship.

 

When she met the Soul Sucker Boyfriend and ignored me for 8 months it was OVER .

 

Then one time her and the boyfriend were going to break up and SUDDENLY she was in my life again. Wanted me to go with her to find a new place and how much she NEEDED me right now , blah blah..

 

So then they decided to get back together and you guessed it ! She was busy with him and I was forgotten again.

 

But in my heart I signed her off years ago...

[2sunny]

it's been out of balance. you give - she takes. she never is in the giving position allowing you to receive from her.

 

if it were balanced - you wouldn't feel it is "off"

 

stop being the giver. no need to continue feeding the imbalance. stay neutral... not being in her wedding party isn't the worst thing in the world.

 

by not wasting energy on her - you create a new space for someone to receive your giving spirit who will also give and keep things balanced... choose wisely. keep her selfish nature at bay.

[D-Lish]

You are a true sweetheart, and I know that you want to take the high road with her, because that's the kind of person you are. Whatever you do, put your own interests first, because you know that's what she will be doing.

 

Thanks Joe- We actually set up a date to talk this week- and I am just going to be honest. It's hard to be honest, because you don't want to hurt someone- but I need to say what I have to say.

 

OMG Delish I really do relate and do feel for you.

 

I met my friend in the West Coast. We both were in Orientation in our new jobs. We clicked right away.

 

But along the way in getting to know her she was HUGELY selfish ! We want to look the other way and pretend we are being too harsh but in reality this person is NOT a good friend !

 

If we went anywhere SHE picked the movie and would walk out of it if she didnt like it . ( Hence later thats where I started going to movies with others , by myself or with a date )

 

Once we decided to take a plane to another state. Same thing . Bossy. We needed to go where she wanted to go.

 

Make no mistake . I am pretty independant and when she would act like the friend from HELL I would just remind myself why it was not a good friendship.

 

When she met the Soul Sucker Boyfriend and ignored me for 8 months it was OVER .

 

Then one time her and the boyfriend were going to break up and SUDDENLY she was in my life again. Wanted me to go with her to find a new place and how much she NEEDED me right now , blah blah..

 

So then they decided to get back together and you guessed it ! She was busy with him and I was forgotten again.

 

But in my heart I signed her off years ago...

 

I sympathize 100%- your story seems sooooooooo similar. I think the difference is that I haven't signed off of it yet. Maybe I haven't been pushed to my limit?

 

I don't do the door mat things with guys, not sure why I put up with it from a female!?

 

it's been out of balance. you give - she takes. she never is in the giving position allowing you to receive from her.

 

if it were balanced - you wouldn't feel it is "off"

 

stop being the giver. no need to continue feeding the imbalance. stay neutral... not being in her wedding party isn't the worst thing in the world.

 

by not wasting energy on her - you create a new space for someone to receive your giving spirit who will also give and keep things balanced... choose wisely. keep her selfish nature at bay.

 

I am really bad at letting new people into my life- and that's my fault, my issue. I have to work on that:o

[Cealabeala]

Had she been a good friend with and without a boyfriend, especially through your rough patch, I would say you should put your personal feelings about the wedding aside and be there for her in return. But you don't owe her anything, and if you know your going to find the wedding difficult on an emotional level you should not do it for her.

 

But you should maybe consider doing it for yourself. You could confront it instead of avoiding it and not stoop to her level. Her behaviour is beneath you and you could have the dignity to rise above it.

[Mary3]

My so called friend would call me and if another call came she would immediately hang up on me and say she would call me RIGHT back ! Right back could mean 2 days.....

 

At first you think wow how inconsiderate and then one day you STOP thinking this friend is going to really call you right back.

 

You open your eyes and NOTICE things , like heightened alert. Pretty soon you start distancing yourself from that person .

 

You DO this because you love and respect yourself. You won't let someone walk over you ( not for long anyway ) the way they did when you met and one day discovered this was NOT a great friend.

 

The other poster was correct. You clear the cobwebs for new friendships

[torranceshipman]

I really don't know how to handle my current situation with a long-term friend of mine. I've been close with a girl for over 11 years- well, we were close up until about 5 years ago when she got into a relationship and dropped off the face of the earth. About 8 months ago she left her bf and we re-connected. Suddenly, she meets someone new, and within 4 1/2 months- she's engaged and has asked me to be in her wedding party.

 

Here's my dilemma... I have loads of resentment over being cast aside when she met a guy and simply disappeared from my life. For almost 4 years we had fleeting contact- and while I was going through the most difficult time of my life- losing my business, my loft, my life basically- she just wasn't available. I remember on the weekend I was clearing my things out of my store, she called me to pick her up from a bar because she'd had a fight with her bf and wanted to get out of there. I went to her- and she didn't even ask if I was doing okay. I was going bankrupt, losing everything I had worked for- and all she ever wanted to talk about was "her relationship"... She never used to ask how I was doing, and if I did bring it up, she would get awkward and switch the subject back to herself.

 

I feel like we had just started getting to know one another again- then boom- she meets some guy and she's getting married and wants me to stand up with her.

 

I have been so incredibly busy starting my new job- I have a huge amount of responsibility, and at the moment I am working about 60hrs per week. I take one day off and I spend a lot of that time doing work from home. I am just trying to carve my way. She is furious with me over not giving her enough attention with regard to her engagement (it's been 2 weeks).

 

I have realized within the past couple days that I don't think I want to stand up with her, my heart isn't in it. I just don't feel the same about our friendship as I used to- I think it's too damaged.

 

She text me the other day to go to her wedding venue and help her come up with decorations, etc...But it was short notice and I had a work meeting. She sent me a curt response saying she didn't feel like I wanted to be in her wedding party. I realized that she is probably right.

 

We haven't spoken since her angry response. I realized during my rough period when she was absent that I was always the friend that dropped everything to be there for her, and she was never going to be the friend that would ever do that for me. I have this fear that I am going to do everything to make her wedding wonderful and then she is going to get married and then do what she always does and disappear.

 

When we started talking again, I feel like we glossed over a lot of our issues, then BAM, she's with a new guy and engaged and I'm being asked to invest in her yet again without fully sorting things out. I obviously have loads of resentment to work through.

 

I'm really on the fence about whether or not to sit down with her and hash things out, or walk away. It's really hard to jump into supportive friend mode when I am still so hurt over how she abandoned me the one time I needed her the most.

 

I am asking for help because I want to hear other people's perspective on the matter. I don't want to make a rash decision because if I bow out of being in her wedding party, our friendship will be over for good.

 

I don't know what to do:(.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

D-Lish - I learnt a long time ago that the moment a friend becomes a frenemy you drop them and never look back. You should define some boundaries for that and never ever let someone toxic into your life. She is a waste of your valuable time, she obviously isnt a real friend, and she brings you down. What the hell is the redeeming feature there? There isn't one. So cut her off.

[torranceshipman]

Thanks E,

 

I know we need to have a sit down talk about things. It's hard because she is in bride-zilla mode already after only 2 weeks of being engaged.

 

I just don't want to blow off the friendship and walk away, then regret it in a couple of months. I am angry right now because she's been so demanding of my attention. I am actually glad she isn't talking to me at the moment because it gives me some space to think things through.

 

I'll be honest, she's the type of girl that doesn't see things out of her own bubble. In the past, trying to discuss issues always turns into her getting defensive and then bawling her eyes out. Obviously, she has some good qualities, or I wouldn't have re-connected with her- but she can be crazy selfish too.

 

The morning she text me about being engaged I was on the road and didn't get the message until I reached my destination a couple hours later. The first text announced the engagement, the second was wondering how I could hear her news and not respond, the third was "is everything okay with you, I am shocked you haven't said anything", the last was "I guess you don't care about me"... Jaysus, I was driving the whole time... That set things off on a bad note for me.

 

And I just read this. Jeebus, the woman is unhinged. Maybe I don't have much patience but I would have walked away right after that particular incident. Who the hell over 6 acts like that?

[SarahRose]

I am wondering why you didn't address these issues with her a long time ago when she blew you off for a boyfriend.

 

BTW women often do that.

 

I think part of this is your fault for letting it go on so long and not being honest with her.

 

Are you sure a small part of you isn't just trying to stick it to her for all that she has done to you? If you refuse to stand up with her and then want to continue being friends you really arent being a friend are you?

 

I say either you are her friend or you aren't. If you are her friend then put your resentment aside and be a gracious caring friend. If you aren't her friend and don't want to be, stop pussyfooting around and end the friendship.

[Mary3]

D-Lish - I learnt a long time ago that the moment a friend becomes a frenemy you drop them and never look back. You should define some boundaries for that and never ever let someone toxic into your life. She is a waste of your valuable time, she obviously isnt a real friend, and she brings you down. What the hell is the redeeming feature there? There isn't one. So cut her off.

 

Excellent Advice !

[D-Lish]

Excellent Advice !

 

 

It is good advice, and all of the advice has been helpful. It's also helped me to feel better about making the choice.

 

We did have a sit down, and I laid everything out on the table. This isn't the first time I've laid it on the table, but it's always fallen on deaf ears.

 

As expected she had an emotional meltdown and stormed off. She didn't want to hear anything I said.

 

I got a really long e-mail the other day taking responsibility for everything and asking me again to stand up with her. She wants to have a face to face again and she's promised that this time she's willing to listen.

 

I am at a loss again.

[MichaelHerry]

Always go for that thing for which your heart gives permission and if you come confused then put your hand on your heart if it beats more then don't go for that and if your heart beats normal then go for that.

[Mary3]

It is good advice, and all of the advice has been helpful. It's also helped me to feel better about making the choice.

 

We did have a sit down, and I laid everything out on the table. This isn't the first time I've laid it on the table, but it's always fallen on deaf ears.

 

As expected she had an emotional meltdown and stormed off. She didn't want to hear anything I said.

 

I got a really long e-mail the other day taking responsibility for everything and asking me again to stand up with her. She wants to have a face to face again and she's promised that this time she's willing to listen.

 

I am at a loss again.

 

She has her manipulation of you fine tuned .

 

She never had an ear for you and blew your thoughts away when you * laid everything on the table ".

 

Now she is doing what she knows : She wants to use you for her wedding party. Its all about filling in spaces.

 

D-Lish if you love yourself enough and want to walk away from this fiasco . it will be understood.

 

Answer this one question : AFTER the wedding do you magically think she will be that warm supportive friend you always wanted her to be ?

 

Your answer is right in front of you

 

It like the death of a friendship. Its okay to let go.....

[D-Lish]

She has her manipulation of you fine tuned .

 

She never had an ear for you and blew your thoughts away when you * laid everything on the table ".

 

Now she is doing what she knows : She wants to use you for her wedding party. Its all about filling in spaces.

 

D-Lish if you love yourself enough and want to walk away from this fiasco . it will be understood.

 

Answer this one question : AFTER the wedding do you magically think she will be that warm supportive friend you always wanted her to be ?

 

Your answer is right in front of you

 

It like the death of a friendship. Its okay to let go.....

 

I agree with you Mary, you're right. I know I am being too soft.

I have to e-mail her back now and I can't figure out what to say.

 

I can't see our friendship surviving after the honeymoon, and I know if I agree to this, my year will be filled with stress, demands and guilt trips. Then she'll do what she always does and disappear once she has what she wants from me.

 

I used to be a wedding planner, and I know she wants to take advantage of my experience- I actually think that's one of the big reasons she wants me involved... That and the fact that I've historically dropped everything to be at her disposal.

 

I'm working on the e-mail right now.

 

It's funny, I don't allow people to bully me at work, but I have such a soft spot when it comes to my personal relationships.

 

Thanks again Mary, having gone through something similar, your advice and insight has been a great big help ((hug)).

[Mary3]

I agree with you Mary, you're right. I know I am being too soft.

I have to e-mail her back now and I can't figure out what to say.

 

I can't see our friendship surviving after the honeymoon, and I know if I agree to this, my year will be filled with stress, demands and guilt trips. Then she'll do what she always does and disappear once she has what she wants from me.

 

I used to be a wedding planner, and I know she wants to take advantage of my experience- I actually think that's one of the big reasons she wants me involved... That and the fact that I've historically dropped everything to be at her disposal.

 

I'm working on the e-mail right now.

 

It's funny, I don't allow people to bully me at work, but I have such a soft spot when it comes to my personal relationships.

 

Thanks again Mary, having gone through something similar, your advice and insight has been a great big help ((hug)).

 

Anytime

 

You know I wanted to shake my friend and let her realize she was picking her bf over our friendship.

 

It was like talking to a wall. I didn't even try.

 

She didn't want to be alone , ever , so everytime they broke up she became the proverbial succubuss who leached off me until they got back together.

 

I am no-ones toy to manipulate. If I sign you off , its for good.

 

Life is too short to stare at a phone that doesn't ring. A holiday that comes and goes and your so called friend did not think about you.

 

I got over it. The funny thing is she didn't know I was cutting ties . I just stopped responding to her.

 

My theory is : you can confront this person but at what cost ? They have made a choice when you are put in last place.

 

I do get the " Well when in a R , your friend will be busy " But for 8 months ? . Life is too short.

[Lipsy10]

D-Lish you sound like such a nice person and maybe thats your downfall. It sounds like she only wants you as a free wedding planner.

 

I've had exactly the same problem with an ex-friend. After years as bffs she dumped me for 18 months when she met her bf. Of course they broke up and she came running back. While part of me was happy to have my friend back it was never the same again. I held onto alot of resentment about the way she treated me. I tried to get over it but deep down it was always there. Anyway she met another man and dumped me again - I wasn't surprised. This time I didn't accept her back into my life when it all went wrong. I knew she was only using me until her next bf came alone.

 

As someone else said some friendships are not meant to be saved. Don't feel bad about cutting her loose. She'll dump you after the wedding anyway and then not only will you have more resentment towards her, you'll start to feel angry with yourself for allowing her to use you again.

 

You deserve better.

[Mary3]

D-Lish you sound like such a nice person and maybe thats your downfall. It sounds like she only wants you as a free wedding planner.

 

I've had exactly the same problem with an ex-friend. After years as bffs she dumped me for 18 months when she met her bf. Of course they broke up and she came running back. While part of me was happy to have my friend back it was never the same again. I held onto alot of resentment about the way she treated me. I tried to get over it but deep down it was always there. Anyway she met another man and dumped me again - I wasn't surprised. This time I didn't accept her back into my life when it all went wrong. I knew she was only using me until her next bf came alone.

 

As someone else said some friendships are not meant to be saved. Don't feel bad about cutting her loose. She'll dump you after the wedding anyway and then not only will you have more resentment towards her, you'll start to feel angry with yourself for allowing her to use you again.

 

You deserve better.

 

Wow ! I love this response....its as if I wrote it , sigh...

 

Especially the part : She came back but it was never the same again.....

[vestigalvirgin]

I agree with you Mary, you're right. I know I am being too soft.

I have to e-mail her back now and I can't figure out what to say.

 

I can't see our friendship surviving after the honeymoon, and I know if I agree to this, my year will be filled with stress, demands and guilt trips. Then she'll do what she always does and disappear once she has what she wants from me.

 

I used to be a wedding planner, and I know she wants to take advantage of my experience- I actually think that's one of the big reasons she wants me involved... That and the fact that I've historically dropped everything to be at her disposal.

 

I'm working on the e-mail right now.

 

It's funny, I don't allow people to bully me at work, but I have such a soft spot when it comes to my personal relationships.

 

Thanks again Mary, having gone through something similar, your advice and insight has been a great big help ((hug)).

 

 

OP,

 

it's situations like this in which recourse to good old fashioned etiquette can come in handy.

 

You already know the bottom line answer is you don't want to be in this woman's bridal party. The real reason being that you don't really like her that way anymore. She's not that kind of a friend and in fact may not even really be your friend at all anymore.

 

Etiquette does not require you to be truthful about why you want to decline such an invitation, esp. if the truthful reasons will seem hurtful and difficult to hear by the recipient/bride.

 

Your "mistake" (if it can be called that) is the assumption that the invitation/declination of the invitation is the "territory" over which the actual dispute between the two of you, the reason for the disintegration of that relationship, needs to be hashed out. That's incorrect.

 

This is where it is appropriate for using "little white lies" or perhaps somewhat bigger white lies as the case may be.

 

So, you decline this invitation NOT by elaborating over how your gf was such a boor that you can't stand to be in her wedding party, although that is the real reason.

 

You come up with something completely different: other unavoidable conflicting plans, events, trips, work comittments, family comittments; lack of money; almost ANYTHING will do as long as what you DON'T do is tell her the REAL reason. (It may be too late for this as you've already had the discussion with her???)

 

You need an appropriate fig leaf.

 

 

So, you decline the invitation politely, with profuse apologetics, wish the blushing bride the best for her upcoming happy occasion, and ask where she is registered.

 

If she keeps insisting, you just regretfully smile and say "Oh I would so much love to but I just can't, for reasons I've already mentioned. But thank you so much for asking. We must get together for tea and crumpets the next time you are in town."

[vestigalvirgin]

I say either you are her friend or you aren't. If you are her friend then put your resentment aside and be a gracious caring friend. If you aren't her friend and don't want to be, stop pussyfooting around and end the friendship.

 

This is a separate issue and should be kept separate. The wedding invitation is NOT the place to play out this particular kind of cat fight.

 

This is somewhat similar to that other thread that keeps popping up about the guy with the gay cousin whose wife is a born again Christian and doesn't want to go to the civil commitment ceremony of the gay guy and his partner.

 

With very very very rare exceptions, applicable neither in that case nor in this, in such situations etiquette does not require you to attend if you don't want to. It DOES require you to politely decline without feeling free to vent your personal views about the occasion or the person who invited you. This is the kind of situation which "little white lies" were invented for. The little white lie is the plausible, face saving excuse you make up to decline the invitation without causing unnecessary offense to the prospective host.

[mem11363]

I had a friend who used to say we were best friends. But it was very one sided which I told him that several times. He never got it. He is in many ways a very good person - he just wasn't that great a friend to me.

 

What would she do if you told her what you just told us?

 

 

I really don't know how to handle my current situation with a long-term friend of mine. I've been close with a girl for over 11 years- well, we were close up until about 5 years ago when she got into a relationship and dropped off the face of the earth. About 8 months ago she left her bf and we re-connected. Suddenly, she meets someone new, and within 4 1/2 months- she's engaged and has asked me to be in her wedding party.

 

Here's my dilemma... I have loads of resentment over being cast aside when she met a guy and simply disappeared from my life. For almost 4 years we had fleeting contact- and while I was going through the most difficult time of my life- losing my business, my loft, my life basically- she just wasn't available. I remember on the weekend I was clearing my things out of my store, she called me to pick her up from a bar because she'd had a fight with her bf and wanted to get out of there. I went to her- and she didn't even ask if I was doing okay. I was going bankrupt, losing everything I had worked for- and all she ever wanted to talk about was "her relationship"... She never used to ask how I was doing, and if I did bring it up, she would get awkward and switch the subject back to herself.

 

I feel like we had just started getting to know one another again- then boom- she meets some guy and she's getting married and wants me to stand up with her.

 

I have been so incredibly busy starting my new job- I have a huge amount of responsibility, and at the moment I am working about 60hrs per week. I take one day off and I spend a lot of that time doing work from home. I am just trying to carve my way. She is furious with me over not giving her enough attention with regard to her engagement (it's been 2 weeks).

 

I have realized within the past couple days that I don't think I want to stand up with her, my heart isn't in it. I just don't feel the same about our friendship as I used to- I think it's too damaged.

 

She text me the other day to go to her wedding venue and help her come up with decorations, etc...But it was short notice and I had a work meeting. She sent me a curt response saying she didn't feel like I wanted to be in her wedding party. I realized that she is probably right.

 

We haven't spoken since her angry response. I realized during my rough period when she was absent that I was always the friend that dropped everything to be there for her, and she was never going to be the friend that would ever do that for me. I have this fear that I am going to do everything to make her wedding wonderful and then she is going to get married and then do what she always does and disappear.

 

When we started talking again, I feel like we glossed over a lot of our issues, then BAM, she's with a new guy and engaged and I'm being asked to invest in her yet again without fully sorting things out. I obviously have loads of resentment to work through.

 

I'm really on the fence about whether or not to sit down with her and hash things out, or walk away. It's really hard to jump into supportive friend mode when I am still so hurt over how she abandoned me the one time I needed her the most.

 

I am asking for help because I want to hear other people's perspective on the matter. I don't want to make a rash decision because if I bow out of being in her wedding party, our friendship will be over for good.

 

I don't know what to do:(.

 

Thanks for listening.