biermadchen Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 well, here it is: we're both grownups, been dating a couple of months. trying to take it slow, but have been spending nearly every nite together, have met his parents, friends, he introduces me as his girlfriend, etc. then "suddenly" (insert ominous music here) he's making all these plans that do not include me (e.g. guys' weekend, guys' trip) whilst not seeming to make much of an effort to make cool plans with me, or if we do see each other when we planned, it's not WHAT we planned--like "oh, we'll go out on the town" and then when we do get together it's like "sorry 'bout not doing the town, babe, i'm just so tired and have to get up early for (you guessed it) my guys' trip. well, here's what keeps me from simply saying oof you lad and walking off--we'd made plans to visit my mum so she could meet him, and he still wants to go. if he seems so much more keen on hanging with his friends than with me, why would he want to bother meeting my mum or having me call him (if i want to) so we can hang out (if i want to)? i'm at the point where i'm wondering if he's using me as a cover for being queer? i mean, i love my guys' nites too (lol) and can understand wanting a bit of space, but seriously...
ADF Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 This could be a simple lack of consideration. He had a certain routine before he met you, and he's continued to follow it. He hasn't realized that he now has a new person in his life whom he needs to make time for. I think you should put this to him in much the way you've explained it here. I bet he'll get the message.
sagetalk Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 well, here it is: we're both grownups, been dating a couple of months. 1. trying to take it slow, but have been spending nearly every nite together, have met his parents, friends, he introduces me as his girlfriend, etc. 2. then "suddenly" (insert ominous music here) he's making all these plans that do not include me (e.g. guys' weekend, guys' trip) 3. if he seems so much more keen on hanging with his friends than with me, why would he want to bother meeting my mum or having me call him (if i want to) so we can hang out (if i want to)? i'm at the point where i'm wondering if he's using me as a cover for being queer? i mean, i love my guys' nites too (lol) and can understand wanting a bit of space, but seriously... 1. First of all that is not taking it slow, that is going almost as fast as someone possibly can. Don't kid yourself. 2. Sounds normal as long as he isn't taking other girls with him. 3. Well, I would say he is doing it because you are sleeping with him, but it appears you are not. It seems you are attracted to this guy's lack of interest (happens all the time), but at the same time you are angry about his lack of interest. I'm confused and I think you are too.
torranceshipman Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Personally it doesn't sound like he has earned the right to be introduced to your mom. Maybe tell him it is feeling a bit too casual to do that right now?
Author biermadchen Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 1. First of all that is not taking it slow, that is going almost as fast as someone possibly can. Don't kid yourself. 2. Sounds normal as long as he isn't taking other girls with him. 3. Well, I would say he is doing it because you are sleeping with him, but it appears you are not. It seems you are attracted to this guy's lack of interest (happens all the time), but at the same time you are angry about his lack of interest. I'm confused and I think you are too. 1. yeah, i know, that's why i think maybe we were getting a bit too comfortable there and maybe we're both just needing to catch our breath 2. that's definitely not an issue and he HAS been very open about what they're doing, where they are, etc. 3. we have been physical and it's been really nice, but it hasn't just been about that (which is one of the things that's confusing me, i'm usually just in it for the sex--with this fellow it's been about talking and holding and family and all kinds of nerve-wrackingly REAL stuff); i AM confused, it's been a bit too much too soon and i'm sure he's just as confused as i am but we can't seem to help ourselves to update: saw him last nite, we had a nice quiet time (he's still tuckered out from the weekend) and i did end up staying the nite (in a nice, mutual way) and we had a good morning and he made plans to at least talk or see tonite. to wit, it's very sweet and nice and comfortable, but i guess it was just a weird week all around last week and the way the weekend went down just capped it off i guess. maybe this IS his normal modus operandus and now that he's got a "girlfriend" he's relaxing his level of consideration (i.e. he knows we're ok, so it's all good?) and reverting to the best of both worlds. i guess i have been doing that too. funny thing, if he's picked me up and i'm with him and something for me to do comes up, if he isn't able to go he'll even say why don't i take his car and go...maybe he's just very relaxed about that sort of thing in general...hell, i don't know...before last week, everything was so nice and fun and easy and now there's that bf/gf thing (which HE brought up)...i mean, i like that it means we're exclusive, but does that mean we're some old married couple now? do we get nametags? is the playful part over?
norajane Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 You're seeing each other too much, and your expectations are too high. You are acting like an old married couple, and you are expecting him to be with you all the time, because you got too familiar too fast. It was nice and easy because you both wanted to spend every day together, but now that real life has popped in, you are freaking out. He had a life before you and wants to keep living it. You should too. Don't make him the only thing that matters in your life, or this will burn out long before you hit the 6 month mark. Where are your girls' nights out? Why don't you have anything to do but be with him every night?
Krytie TV Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Maybe he's doing what wise people do when starting a new relationship and not cutting ties with his close friends that, unlike you, are guaranteed to still be with him in a year. Too many people ditch friends at the drop of a hat in a new relationship. You seem kinda high maintenance. Try getting together earlier so he isn't tired at night.
phineas Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 You're seeing each other too much, and your expectations are too high. You are acting like an old married couple, and you are expecting him to be with you all the time, because you got too familiar too fast. It was nice and easy because you both wanted to spend every day together, but now that real life has popped in, you are freaking out. He had a life before you and wants to keep living it. You should too. Don't make him the only thing that matters in your life, or this will burn out long before you hit the 6 month mark. Where are your girls' nights out? Why don't you have anything to do but be with him every night? This. You spend every day during the week with him then want him to spend the weekend with you also? That's just way too much. His friends are giving him grief for falling off the face of the earth. There is no way he can actually hang with his friends if you two are spending that much time together. And you hanging out with him & his friends doesn't really count because they have to be on their best behavior (or better behavior) because women folk are around.
Author biermadchen Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 you guys are absolutely right, and i appreciate your frankness...i've been feeling this myself and i guess what i took issue with was the fact that whenever i've tried to address it he's been like "nah, it's all good, i love being with you" and i'm like "but it's ok, we don't have to spend every nite together" and he's like "but it's nice" which has made it kind of hard to not do that (ok, i let myself just go with it, it HAS been nice) but i've been feeling a bit constrained too. so it just would've been nice if we could've discussed it and agreed to have more space rather than feeling like he didn't know how to accomplish it and just kind of trampled his way into it hoping for the best. as far as me hanging with MY friends, i have been! that's the weird part too. he just always wants me to call him when i'm done with whatever and still go. so you'd think it's just for take-out sex (which we don't always have...we just sort of snuggle most times), but it's like he wants that presence and he says he loves waking up with me... i'd been thinking about it from his friends' point of view; i mean, obviously they had him and their house all to themselves before and then now here's this chick who's around all the time--i'd be put out if it was me, right? but of course there's no way to address that...i guess i'm just going to relax and see if this is just the "real" him coming out and whether i can be into that cuz i don't want to pressure anyone and i sure as heck don't want anyone pressuring me... there IS that pride thing where we all want the other person to be absolutely mad about us all the time, but i have to admit that one of the things that attracted me to him at the beginning was the fact that he WASN'T up my butt like most other guys. i'm used to being avidly pursued and this calm, quiet, nice, sweet man intrigued me. i'll try to keep those qualities in mind and go with that and if it's simply not fun anymore, i will not worry about it. so there. oh my gosh, we chicks really do do a number on ourselves, eh? i think i've been projecting my own confusion onto him and looking for something to feel bad about. arrrgghhh. anyway, thank you for the replies, it's comforting to know that someone out there makes sense!
Mary3 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 He could be like " Oh I got what I wanted now back to my friends " ( As in he slept you with pretty quick ) Or the speed can kill the ride because the chase is crash and burn . Give eachother some room here.
Author biermadchen Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 Maybe he's doing what wise people do when starting a new relationship and not cutting ties with his close friends that, unlike you, are guaranteed to still be with him in a year. Too many people ditch friends at the drop of a hat in a new relationship. You seem kinda high maintenance. Try getting together earlier so he isn't tired at night. lol, i had to address this one! if you only knew how NOT high maintenance this tomboy is, you'd be laughing too...actually, my problem is that i DO understand the fact that he's known his friends longer than me and of course would cleave to them more if he thought he was getting in too deep too soon. hell, that's what i've been doing too! i just felt a bit put off by the fact that i'd tried to discuss this previously and address it, was reassured that it was not an issue, but then when it came down to it, there it was. that's all. i just want the playfulness back and i want to relax and enjoy with each other, with his friends, with my friends, each on our own, whatever, and not be afraid to discuss anything that might affect that. we don't always get together earlier because we ARE each doing our own thing sometimes in the early evening...but he'll still want to see each other afterwards...and i do too...sigh, let's just relax then. i'll get someone to slap me (figuratively of course) and i'll just get back to feeling like myself and roll with it until i don't. how's that?
Author biermadchen Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 He could be like " Oh I got what I wanted now back to my friends " ( As in he slept you with pretty quick ) Or the speed can kill the ride because the chase is crash and burn . Give eachother some room here. yeah, i know i've been wanting some space, some air, y'know? just want a couple of days to feel like myself again, and not like this bf/gf thing that seems to come with all these expectations and responsibilities. it's some scary stuff.
Mary3 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 yeah, i know i've been wanting some space, some air, y'know? just want a couple of days to feel like myself again, and not like this bf/gf thing that seems to come with all these expectations and responsibilities. it's some scary stuff. I think you are doing pretty good having your own interests
Author biermadchen Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 yes, i'm feeling much better actually, everyone's frank and honest input has calmed me down quite a bit. i now realise he IS pulling back a bit, but i'm sure i've been wanting to as well, and it's ok. we're only a couple of months into this, it HAS been a lot too soon, and if we find a way to back off without backing out, we might be able to have something nice to enjoy. i'm going out with my friends tonite; i will call him (as he asked me to, and i like to do what i say i'm going to do), but i don't necessarily have to see him. lol, ironically enough, i'm usually not so introspective or whatnot, but he's been trying to get me to open up and feel things more, so i guess he should be glad i'm learning to let go a bit! i'm still confused, but not as "worried"...
Mary3 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 yes, i'm feeling much better actually, everyone's frank and honest input has calmed me down quite a bit. i now realise he IS pulling back a bit, but i'm sure i've been wanting to as well, and it's ok. we're only a couple of months into this, it HAS been a lot too soon, and if we find a way to back off without backing out, we might be able to have something nice to enjoy. i'm going out with my friends tonite; i will call him (as he asked me to, and i like to do what i say i'm going to do), but i don't necessarily have to see him. lol, ironically enough, i'm usually not so introspective or whatnot, but he's been trying to get me to open up and feel things more, so i guess he should be glad i'm learning to let go a bit! i'm still confused, but not as "worried"... You will both adjust as the weeks go by. You will both realize while being seperate ( like he is at the lake , and you are the mall with your friends ) that you still like/love eachother and its okay to do your own things.
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