f123456789 Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 After my suspicion I recently discovered my husband's cheating. I planted a VR in his vehicle and overheard him having sex with the OW. Rewind, during the time of my husband's year and a half affair I had a male married friend whom I could confide in, he was a shoulder for me to lean on during my husband's lying and scheming. He would listen to me because I had no one else I could talk to about this. He helped me get through this time giving advice from a male's perspective. He would help me decode certain things my husband would tell me. Now that my husband was busted, He is extremely remorseful, almost vieing for "husband of the year" LOL. I have not forgiven him as yet, don't know if I am ready to yet, have told him I wanted a divorce but he insists that given time we can survive this. It has been 2 months now but I can't seem to get over husband's betrayal. We have 2 children under 12. so should I end my friendship with this person? to me it seems unfair as he was there for me throughout this ordeal.
Owl Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 What "line" have you crossed with this friend? If it's JUST been getting advice about your marriage, then it's simple...back the friendship down to no longer discussing anything along those lines, and draw a clear line on the ground that neither of you are allowed to cross. If there's more to this than that...
anne1707 Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Does your husband know about this friendship and how strong it is? If not, why have you not told him? And if he does know, how does he feel about it?
carhill Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 OP, get the male friend's wife involved. I'm sure you can identify more with her than with him, being that she's a woman. Supportive mutual friendships are great. Sincere and honest friends are rare. Hope you and they have many good years ahead. Hope things work out with H.
RobD70 Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Just an FYI it’s ALWAYS a bad idea to confine relationship problems with someone of the opposite sex. That’s how most affairs get started in the first place. In this case I would back down like what was mentioned earlier. No more talk about your personal life and keep some distance.
Author f123456789 Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 we have not crossed the line but as a wife it could be viewed as inappropriate to those looking in but it was a mutual friendship. like Carhill suggested I will meet his wife and talk to her and it would be a welcome change to get a female side of things. Never though about that but I was able to get my answer from the few posts. I told my husband about this friendship also. I explained it to him.
carhill Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Another methodology, concurrent with H's transparency regarding his EMA, is for both of you to discuss your cross-gender involvements (friendly or more) in MC. Mutual transparency. If your male friend (and his wife) can and want to support you in that journey, I think it would be a great asset to growth. I've faced this dynamic (like your male friend) where I know one side of 'marital business'. The key is in neutrality and mutual support. To me, that defines friendship in these instances. Respecting their (your) M and, of course, expecting and receiving mutual support, interest and care typical of a good friendship. Reflect upon that and let us know how the MC goes.
seibert253 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) Maybe I'm a prude, but I'm not certain it is appropriate for a married man and woman, who are not married to each other, to be close confidants to each others most intimate personal details. Especially if the other spouses are not privy to these conversations and their content. Does your H and your F's W know about about EVERYTHING, such as he was a shoulder to lean on in your time of need? I know my wife would have a BIG problem with something like this, as would I if she were the shoulder another married guy was leaning on. Whether it was all in good faith or not. My FWW's OM started out as a "trusted friend", who she could lean on in her times of need. She went to him instead of me. It ended on a path neither of else ever felt she would travel. But she did. Error on the side of caution is my advice. Edited June 8, 2010 by seibert253
Windsurf66 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I am just wondering whether yr male married friend is the same one mentioned in yr first thread, which is also about 1.5 years ago http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1953851#post1953851 You said you did not cross the line with this friend, but the thread above mentioned that the friendship sorted of ended because you decided not to have sex with him out of guilt
bittersweet memories Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 After my suspicion I recently discovered my husband's cheating. I planted a VR in his vehicle and overheard him having sex with the OW. Rewind, during the time of my husband's year and a half affair I had a male married friend whom I could confide in, he was a shoulder for me to lean on during my husband's lying and scheming. He would listen to me because I had no one else I could talk to about this. He helped me get through this time giving advice from a male's perspective. He would help me decode certain things my husband would tell me. Now that my husband was busted, He is extremely remorseful, almost vieing for "husband of the year" LOL. I have not forgiven him as yet, don't know if I am ready to yet, have told him I wanted a divorce but he insists that given time we can survive this. It has been 2 months now but I can't seem to get over husband's betrayal. We have 2 children under 12. so should I end my friendship with this person? to me it seems unfair as he was there for me throughout this ordeal. During my husband's lying and scheming, huh? Sounds like you were lying and scheming too from reading your past post. Funny you come here making your husband look like the bad guy but you are no better. Just Sayin....
2sunny Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 (edited) looks like your affair has been going on way longer than your husband's. why not leave both men alone and figure out what happy looks like when you are on your own? that way - when you enter a healthy relationship down the road - you will take a healthy version of you into the start of a relationship. why would you be here for years - saying how you will never see or speak to your MM again - and years later post that you still are "friends" with him - oh, and by the way, also married- and husband is cheating... go be by yourself - and quit participating with these men when it's not healthy for anyone involved. also this quote of yours: we have not crossed the line but as a wife it could be viewed as inappropriate to those looking in but it was a mutual friendship. like Carhill suggested I will meet his wife and talk to her and it would be a welcome change to get a female side of things. Never though about that but I was able to get my answer from the few posts. I told my husband about this friendship also. I explained it to him. yes, you have crossed the line - admit it and stop lying. you took time and energy and his body - from a man that belongs with his wife. it was not a friendship or you would also have known his wife. you have been a secret. when you are a secret - you are not a friend - for the man or the marriage. your other old threads say you had sex so - admit it. your MM also has sex with other OW and you also put up with HIS cheating too. so what's so different about your husband's behavior? when you DO meet his W - be honest. hey, nice to meet you! it's been great of you to share your husband so fully with me the past 3-4 years... do you understand what a hot kisser/lover he is? that would be getting her female perspective. you told your husband about this friendship? i want to know EXACTLY what lies you told him. how much did you minimize it? do you see how much and how many lies you tell? or are you so accustomed to lying that you don't notice it anymore? i really want to know how you justify all this in your mind? do you not see that YOU created all this - it's not really about your H or MM... this really is about YOU! YOU made it this way and won't even admit how you participated in getting it all messed up. more than that - ALL your prior threads show that you always say one thing and DO something else. this usually indicates lying, inconsistency and weakness. is that still your norm? Edited June 8, 2010 by 2sunny
2sunny Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 to answer the question - yes, end this pretend friendship - and end the pretend marriage too.
Rabican Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 After my suspicion I recently discovered my husband's cheating. I planted a VR in his vehicle and overheard him having sex with the OW. Rewind, during the time of my husband's year and a half affair I had a male married friend whom I could confide in, he was a shoulder for me to lean on during my husband's lying and scheming. He would listen to me because I had no one else I could talk to about this. He helped me get through this time giving advice from a male's perspective. He would help me decode certain things my husband would tell me. Now that my husband was busted, He is extremely remorseful, almost vieing for "husband of the year" LOL. I have not forgiven him as yet, don't know if I am ready to yet, have told him I wanted a divorce but he insists that given time we can survive this. It has been 2 months now but I can't seem to get over husband's betrayal. We have 2 children under 12. so should I end my friendship with this person? to me it seems unfair as he was there for me throughout this ordeal. I think right now, things are a complete emotional mess for you, as a result your decision making ability is imparied. So you have to careful with every decision you make. I know that may seem obivious but you need to consider that before making any decisions. I suggest you be smart in how you position yourself with your male friend. This may seem stupid, but have a strategy in how you socialize with him. If you value the time together but dont want things to turn sexual then meet in public places, coffeee shops, malls etc.
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