Need Closure

So I am married and have been having an A for the past 15 months with another MM. To make a long story short. We saw each other a lot and had a very intense love relationship one for me that I have never felt with my H. He felt the same way too. He told me he was madly in L with me as well. Above all we were great friends. Lately I have been having enormous guilt and it came to a point where I could not be intimate with him any longer. (by the way we only slept together 3x in the 15 months.) We would talk often and I would tell him I felt bad doing this to my H.

We met 3 weeks ago and were having a conversation. He was complaining that we are no longer intimate etc. I said we should be able to still hang out but I can't be intimate any longer. He said it would be hard for him to be my friend if we cannot have Sex, it would be too difficult for him to control himself around me. The conversation ended because I had to go to work and we said we will talk more about it later.

I texted him later that night and called him but he never replied. This has been 3 weeks now and he has not contacted me. We used to do karate together as well and he has not come to the gym either.

Since I don't have any other numbers to reach him, I first wonder if he is alive. Should I have called him again after that one call on that night?

Secondly it has been hard for me to move on because I did not have that closure conversation. It is getting easier day by day but the way this all happened so abruptly I was not prepared for it. We spoke many times every day.

Should I try to reach out to him. I miss the good times we had hanging out, conversations etc, not to continue the A but I would like to still be his friend but don't know if I should call.

Need advise.

Sad to say, Men need sex or you are not worth it....I mean not worth the headache from wife. Women would be happy if they could get away with EA, we just want to be friends....men would be haooy with just PA, nothing emotional....No don't reach out to him...your choice, leave H and hope he leaves W or let it go.....sorry.

He said it would be hard for him to be my friend if we cannot have Sex, it would be too difficult for him to control himself around me.

I think its safe to say he's still alive. I'ld bet my house he's found another "past time" by now!

when you made it perfectly clear that he wasn't going to get what he kept hanging around for (sex) he bailed.

this tells you he wasn't any friend at all, he just wanted the sex - from you... when you decided that was a no - he figured "why waste my time if i'm not going to get what i want."

let it go - consider it your closure talk. end of story.

the question remains... what is/was lacking in your marriage that you were looking for in this MM?

are you willing to work on getting your marriage in a healthier place? if not, then you should divorce your husband... because you will do this to him again if you don't fix the problem.

if you are keeping a man a "secret" from your husband, it's an affair - whether or not sex is involved. it's still cheating.

He was using you for sex!!! He didn't love you, your H does. I feel very sorry for your H and you should come clean. This is the reason I am scarred to marry an American girl.

So I am married and have been having an A for the past 15 months with another MM. To make a long story short. We saw each other a lot and had a very intense love relationship one for me that I have never felt with my H. He felt the same way too. He told me he was madly in L with me as well. Above all we were great friends. Lately I have been having enormous guilt and it came to a point where I could not be intimate with him any longer. (by the way we only slept together 3x in the 15 months.) We would talk often and I would tell him I felt bad doing this to my H.

We met 3 weeks ago and were having a conversation. He was complaining that we are no longer intimate etc. I said we should be able to still hang out but I can't be intimate any longer. He said it would be hard for him to be my friend if we cannot have Sex, it would be too difficult for him to control himself around me. The conversation ended because I had to go to work and we said we will talk more about it later.

I texted him later that night and called him but he never replied. This has been 3 weeks now and he has not contacted me. We used to do karate together as well and he has not come to the gym either.

Since I don't have any other numbers to reach him, I first wonder if he is alive. Should I have called him again after that one call on that night?

Secondly it has been hard for me to move on because I did not have that closure conversation. It is getting easier day by day but the way this all happened so abruptly I was not prepared for it. We spoke many times every day.

Should I try to reach out to him. I miss the good times we had hanging out, conversations etc, not to continue the A but I would like to still be his friend but don't know if I should call.

Need advise.

Regardless of the situation, "closure" is a ridictulous concept. It's another word that Oprah and Dr. Phil made up. People don't need to have conversations to state the obvious, or discuss painful subjects "just one more time".

It's all '90s pop culture. When something ends, everybody must feel happy and enriched by the experiance. You can't be serious?

Regardless of the situation, "closure" is a ridictulous concept. It's another word that Oprah and Dr. Phil made up. People don't need to have conversations to state the obvious, or discuss painful subjects "just one more time".

 

It's all '90s pop culture. When something ends, everybody must feel happy and enriched by the experiance. You can't be serious?

LOL, Lakeside, MEN don't need conversations to state the obvious or discuss painful subjects.... women... well... we kind of dwell on it!

He was complaining that we are no longer intimate etc. I said we should be able to still hang out but I can't be intimate any longer. He said it would be hard for him to be my friend if we cannot have Sex, it would be too difficult for him to control himself around me. The conversation ended because I had to go to work and we said we will talk more about it later.

I texted him later that night and called him but he never replied. This has been 3 weeks now and he has not contacted me.

OK, well it's obvious from what you say that he doesn't like or want this new arrangement (the affair without the sex), so he's either decided not to see you at all, or decided to give you time to change your mind and will contact you at some future time. All depends on his personality and whether he's got other irons in the fire so to speak. Just from reading here he sounds like a bit of an arse to be honest.

I can see what you mean about 'closure' since you were halfway through a conversation! On the other hand, this might be something you'd be better off working out on your own anyway. You were obviously getting a lot out of the friendship while he's content to let that drop if he's not getting the sex. Really, even if you manage to talk to him I can see him trying to talk you round to being intimate again.

Hard as it is after 15 months, I would try to look at his actions and realise that he's probably done you a favour in being up front about things.

And on a completely different tack... what about your marriage? Is that fixable, do you want to fix it? What's going on there?

LOL, Lakeside, MEN don't need conversations to state the obvious or discuss painful subjects.... women... well... we kind of dwell on it!

IWWH, Really? What good can this lady (OP) expect to come from her "closure" conversation? In fact what good comes from the majority of "closure" conversations?

Her OM has already given her "closure" after she decided sex wasn't in their relationship (isn't that closure too)? He closed communications. She wants him for a "friend". Ask 100 people on LS if former lovers can become friends, 99 will say no.

Also, and this is important. When women walk away from relationships (which they do) do they offer "closure" conversations to their husbands? My experiance and those of most of my friends, and many here that I read about on LS the conversation is about Divorce, child support, spousal support, dividing assets.. walk away wives don't go out of their way to offer emotional support to their H's unless they are trying to keep him waiting in the wings as a back up.

Closure is something to talk about on Phil and Oprah. In the real world emotions run to high for stuff like that in the majority of instances.

Unless of course getting a restraining order is a form of "closure".

So I am married and have been having an A for the past 15 months with another MM. To make a long story short. We saw each other a lot and had a very intense love relationship one for me that I have never felt with my H. He felt the same way too. He told me he was madly in L with me as well. Above all we were great friends. Lately I have been having enormous guilt and it came to a point where I could not be intimate with him any longer. (by the way we only slept together 3x in the 15 months.) We would talk often and I would tell him I felt bad doing this to my H.

We met 3 weeks ago and were having a conversation. He was complaining that we are no longer intimate etc. I said we should be able to still hang out but I can't be intimate any longer. He said it would be hard for him to be my friend if we cannot have Sex, it would be too difficult for him to control himself around me. The conversation ended because I had to go to work and we said we will talk more about it later.

I texted him later that night and called him but he never replied. This has been 3 weeks now and he has not contacted me. We used to do karate together as well and he has not come to the gym either.

Since I don't have any other numbers to reach him, I first wonder if he is alive. Should I have called him again after that one call on that night?

Secondly it has been hard for me to move on because I did not have that closure conversation. It is getting easier day by day but the way this all happened so abruptly I was not prepared for it. We spoke many times every day.

Should I try to reach out to him. I miss the good times we had hanging out, conversations etc, not to continue the A but I would like to still be his friend but don't know if I should call.

Need advise.

Call him up or text him and ask him to meet for Starbucks and a nice chat.

See if he replies.

Oh, you did that already.

Well, then call or text him begging for sex.

See if he replies.

IWWH, Really? What good can this lady (OP) expect to come from her "closure" conversation? In fact what good comes from the majority of "closure" conversations?

Well, I honestly believe she got her closure as it sounds like he was pretty honest about what he wanted from her.

Actually I was being funny (attempting atleast) .... pointing out that its woman want to talk things to death. Actually the thing about 'walk away wives' never entered my head. Though I do realize that they exist as do walk away H's. Sorry if I hit a nerve.

Regardless of the situation, "closure" is a ridictulous concept. It's another word that Oprah and Dr. Phil made up. People don't need to have conversations to state the obvious, or discuss painful subjects "just one more time".

 

It's all '90s pop culture. When something ends, everybody must feel happy and enriched by the experiance. You can't be serious?

I guess women always want that 'I will always love you' goodbye that allows us to somehow get over it and walk away.

But f123456789,

This guy obviously had a condition to his love and that was sex. No, don't reach out to him. If you're worth it to him, he'll come back and try to understand your conditions.

Good luck,

WF.

If you go to him looking for closure, he will want sex. If you say no, you'll have achieved nothing more than annoying him.

Your closure will have to come from within.

I'm going to assume that you've still maintained enough honor, decency, and integrity to relay everything about your affair with OM to your husband and that your husband is on the same page with how you yearn for contact with OM while he must espouse complete understanding and acceptance of the plight of your angst, right?!! And I can also assume that your husband knows that all further investment into your relationship, financial and otherwise, may result in a complete loss on his part for you haven't really made up your mind as to whether you'll stay or go but that he should still keep investing on a maybe because that's all he's worth, yes?!! Finally, your husband is also aware that he has no voice or will of his own until you say so because the sword of Damocles you've strung above him is to remain poised or be cut to cleave his soul at any time in the future should you determine his life and marriage are over in accordance to your whim of the moment, hmmmm?!!

Well, as long as he completely understands his circumstances then you bear no guilt on any action you take!!!!

Seabird you are priceless ! It never occured to me to inquire if she had offered her suffering husband "closure" when she decided to abandon her wedding vows and bang a new stud.

One has to wonder if the suffering husbands idea of "closure" would be closure of bank accounts, credit cards, cell phone accounts, and the front door after having the locks changed.

Hmmm Some doors have built in closures, you know the cylinder with the arm thingy on it, (carhill will explain). That's the kind of closure I'd want, a new front door closure.

Well, you already dissed your husband by saying you never had anything as good with your H as you do with the OM, so really, I don't know why you are even still married. Its not fair to your H.

Secondly, if you are trying to work on your marriage, then sorry to say, but your need for closure and the fact you aren't getting it are just too bad.

Your need for closure is nothing of the sort, but rather to have another contact with the OM. And if you are working on your marriage, then its a lousy idea.

So if you need to feel this bs we call closure, then why don't you just get a divorce? Especially if you don't feel the intensity for your H. And the fact that you could give 2 squirts of urine about your husband to not even give him a mention tells me, just get a divorce. Then get all the closure you want.

Im gonna be "frank" So here goes....

So I am married and have been having an A for the past 15 months with another MM. To make a long story short. We saw each other a lot and had a very intense love relationship one for me that I have never felt with my H. He felt the same way too. He told me he was madly in L with me as well. Above all we were great friends.

Waffle. 15 months is a long time. You are clearly "lovers"

Lately I have been having enormous guilt and it came to a point where I could not be intimate with him any longer. (by the way we only slept together 3x in the 15 months.) We would talk often and I would tell him I felt bad doing this to my H.

Waffle. Not guilty enough to have been deceptive to you husband for 15 MONTHS! You should break it off. For whatever reason, you need to make up your mind.

We met 3 weeks ago and were having a conversation. He was complaining that we are no longer intimate etc. I said we should be able to still hang out but I can't be intimate any longer. He said it would be hard for him to be my friend if we cannot have Sex, it would be too difficult for him to control himself around me. I]

Waffle. See the "very intense love relationship" you wrote about..How do you expect him to feel? If you cant give him what he want (sex) than you need to break it of...You are not "friends" you are intimate with each other.

I also think he is not just looking for sex because if he was he wouldnt have hung around for 15 months with only three encounters! Hes into you...I completely condone him going AWOL. He's not getting what he wants. And he can decide wethers he's in the game or not....

Should I try to reach out to him. I miss the good times we had hanging out, conversations etc, not to continue the A but I would like to still be his friend but don't know if I should call.

Need advise.

You admit he's really special, then put your husband first.

WAFFLE!

"You tell him no more sex/affair and then want to reach out to him?

WAFFLE!

You feel bad about cheating, but then you want to keep the EA going as "friends..."

WAFFLE!!!!!

This back and forth,mixed message stuff is CRAZY MAKING for the OP!

You have two options

Go with OM. Then you can be friends all you want!!!

OR stay married to your husband.

YOU CANT HAVE BOTH!

If you really cared about OP you'd never call him again.

The only exception would be to call and say "Im divorced and I want you..."

I can see elements of my EMR in this post and it got me riled up thinking about the GAMES MM/MW play..

Yeesh!

Thanks for all the replies. I will count the NC as time in my favor of getting over him. I will never call him and I do not want him to contact me as well. I am working on my marriage and looking back now this was really stupid. I got caught up in this as H worked a lot and I felt lonely, this was certainly not the answer though. I have read lots of posts on here and I got the answers I was looking for. Some advice was harsh but at times you need that to come out of the fog.

Thanks for all the replies. I will count the NC as time in my favor of getting over him. I will never call him and I do not want him to contact me as well. I am working on my marriage and looking back now this was really stupid. I got caught up in this as H worked a lot and I felt lonely, this was certainly not the answer though. I have read lots of posts on here and I got the answers I was looking for. Some advice was harsh but at times you need that to come out of the fog.

Great! Ladies wearing their "big girl panties" are oh so much more attractive. Hold to your convictions and make this holiday a great one for you and your family.

I wish you smooth sailing and a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year !

He was using you for sex!!! He didn't love you, your H does. I feel very sorry for your H and you should come clean. This is the reason I am scarred to marry an American girl.

Woah buddy, women AND men from ALL countries cheat on their spouses, let's not get high and mighty here, wherever you happen to be from huh?

No, he didn't want you only for sex. He really liked you.

Expecting a man to remain loving towards a woman after she stops the sex is like expecting a woman to keep giving your body to someone who puts her down.

I can only be friends with women that honestly don't turn me on. It doesn't matter if she has a wonderful personality that brings joy to my life: if I fantasize about her, I will have no choice but to hit on her. The sexual dimension will grow and grow and will eventually overshadow everything else to the point that my gaze makes her feel like a juicy steak.

If I want to bang her, then I'm NOT her friend.

Woah buddy, women AND men from ALL countries cheat on their spouses, let's not get high and mighty here, wherever you happen to be from huh?

Born and raised right here in the USA. There is a reason why 50% of marriage here end in divorce and there is a reason why Texas Tech just did a study that showed American women are increasing faster than any other group when it comes to committing infidelity. Just look at the how the poster justifies what she has done:

Thanks for all the replies. I will count the NC as time in my favor of getting over him. I will never call him and I do not want him to contact me as well. I am working on my marriage and looking back now this was really stupid. I got caught up in this as H worked a lot and I felt lonely, this was certainly not the answer though. I have read lots of posts on here and I got the answers I was looking for. Some advice was harsh but at times you need that to come out of the fog.

Her H works and she felt a little lonely so it makes it OK. Now shes gonna go back to comfortable lifestyle(her marriage) because after all the only important thing is how she feels.

f123456789;

Why don't you tell your H so he can decide whether or not he wants to stay with someone who has cheated. Do you at least acknowledge that your husband has a right to know what is going on in his life?