Can I get past my wife's affair?

[reboot]

Who the hell wants that type of knowledge, or even having to think about that? Isn't the purpose of remarrying her so she WON'T pull that type of $-hit again?

 

At this point I don't see that much good in their relationship, at least not on his end. Sure she is happy, because she had her moment, and managed to reclaim her throne back. Now that she is preggo a second time, he is that much deeper into it, money wise, time wise, responsibility wise, etc

 

His cycle was interupted, in that he didn't get a chance to do his thing, balls to the wall style. I also think on some level, he want's her to feel some of the pain he felt, and maybe that she hasn't really been punished enough for her adultry, and maybe even rewarded for it. Maybe he needs her to feel how he felt when she was chasing behind ole boy, in order to move on. Only he knows why that is, and what he needs to move on

 

The man wants his family. He wants his wife. Her infidelity has caused him to have serious issues that he's trying to overcome. If he just wanted to "dump the cheating b*tch" or "punish the cheating b*tch", he already did that, and there was really no need to remarry her.

 

He's asking for suggestions on how to rekindle, not suggestions on how many times a day she should be beaten.

[rewe4reel]

rewe, would you really want to be in a degrading relationship like you just described?

 

 

OP is in a degrading relationship right now.

 

He doesn't seem to like it too much.

 

Besides, it's up to OP's wife as to whether or not she will accept the new terms of the relationship. Just like it was up to her when she decided to cheat, and decided to remarry OP.

 

She said she would do anything to prove her love to the OP.

 

At least OP is entitled to know if she's still a liar or not.

[rewe4reel]

So you'd want to be married to a pathetic, degraded slave?

 

 

LOL. Who suggested his wife should be his "slave"? If she doesn't like the terms of the relationship, she can divorce him again.

[rewe4reel]

Yes, she knows, and I think it is a great source of sadness and frustration for her.

 

OP your wife is just manipulating you by laying a huge guilt trip on you. She's sad and frustrated because you won't "get over it already." Why isn't she totally supportive of you? Why aren't YOU allowed to have YOUR feelings without her laying a guilt trip on you?

 

I'm wondering how she even persuaded you to re-marry her given the way you feel about her, and having divorced her. Surely the two of you must have conversed about what the new marriage was going to be like?

 

If you have bad feelings about her because of her affair, she brought that upon herself. She's lucky to have you. Most would not have taken her back after divorcing.

 

 

 

Thing is, I don't do it on purpose, to intentionally torture her, I just go about my day and do what I do, and it comes out in touching her less, talking to her less, that kind of thing. She absolutely notices.

 

Whether or not you do it on purpose, why are YOU the one who is being put on this guilt trip? Your wife is manipulating you emotionally, THAT'S why you feel bad about all this (in addition to the affair stuff of course).

 

 

The others who have responded thoughtfully, thanks. Seems to be the consensus is that we need marriage counseling, and I agree, assuming we could find a good one.

 

Hopefully a good marriage counselor will tell your wife that you should be permitted to have your feelings without her making you feel guilty about having them. Typical blame shifting of a cheating spouse.

 

 

 

 

In my limited experience with the counselors, I find many of them are overpaid, undereducated hacks, but perhaps there is one good one out there that could help. I'm certainly open to it.

 

 

What do YOU want out of the marriage?

 

Please remember, esp. with all the rude inaccurate comments directed at my post I guess, that falsely implied my suggestion was to "enslave" your wife--please remember that your wife will do EXACTLY what she pleases no matter what you request, as she always has done.

 

What you need to realize is that she WANTS and NEEDS you to be dominant in the relationship if it is to be successful. You can't "enslave" her. You CAN assert yourself to the maximum.

[rewe4reel]

Damn, Rewe, why not just brand her and chain her to the washing machine? Gbot, you now have two kids with this woman, and a whole lot of history. The first marriage is over and done with. Now, get some help, treat her right, keep your eyes open, and you can learn to trust and love again. I'm betting on you, pal!!

 

 

...you know this kind of over-emotional, completely inaccurate exaggeration is characteristic of the way a lot of females address relationship issues, although you're not female (lotsa betas here though). You create a straw man and try to knock it down.

 

"chain her up," "enslave" her--I never said that and I never said anything close to that.

 

The goal here is for the OP to feel good about himself, his wife, and his marriage; for his wife NOT to cheat again; for his wife to be truly remorseful; and for his wife to feel good about herself, AND about him, and the marriage.

 

Odds are that's not going to happen, she'll most likely cheat again.

 

However--to beat those odds, there's only one way, and that's for him to take total control of the relationship. Either she's willing to let him, or she's resistant. If she's resistant, she can go find someone else to cheat on.

 

But it's always consensual.

 

Being a weakling is never a good way for a male to be with this type of female (nor any type of female). It's not abusive to be strong and dominating in a relationship. That's what many women who cheat are looking for anyway. She'll leave the marriage to find someone to dominate her in bed, but she won't let her own husband dominate her? Well I guess that's something he can only find out by actually trying.

 

 

Any male who takes the beta position of "oh no the man can't be the dominating force in a marital relationship" is really saying--"oh no if you put your foot down she might leave you."

 

O.K. So let her leave. OP is not happy the way things are now. Because she's still in the driver's seat of this relationship, and she knows it. And he knows it too.

[JustJoe]

Dude, In your post there was not one mention about consensual, you come off as a fascist. And your ideas about "Alpha", and "Betas", show that you might be in need of validation or some other form of compensation.

[Darth Vader]

gbot, were you getting , well, you know, from your dates while being divorced?

 

You shouldn't have gotten back with your wife after all she's done already, she'll do it again!

[lkjh]

Why would you suggest such a thing? He's never even hinted that he's worried about the baby not being his. How insulting that would be to his wife.

 

Your kidding right? She slept with another man and tossed him out only to come back running when the OM dumped her and you think its insulting to not trust her now? Its called common sense. She lost all rights to be insulted at request like this when she did what she did

 

would you trust a thief with keys to a cash register?

[tnttim]

You're not going to magically fall in love with her again without putting forth some effort. With your current mind state about your wife in place, nothing but disappointment is in your future.

You have some options but it is going to take some action by you, currently you are doing nothing to change your situation and that's okay but to be happy change is in order.

 

Why don't you try a separation and go date other woman. Maybe that other woman can be your wife.

[xxoo]

.Any male who takes the beta position of "oh no the man can't be the dominating force in a marital relationship" is really saying--"oh no if you put your foot down she might leave you."

 

You are mistaking control for strength.

 

Desire to control another (impossible--we can only control ourselves) come from a place of weakness and fear. Both women and men can see through the "alpha" that is based in fear. It isn't attractive.

 

Trust and kindness come from a place of strength. A strong spouse has strong boundaries ("put your food down") based on their own willingness to leave, should they be treated in an unacceptable manner. But they don't assume they will be treated poorly without "dominating".

 

The op may not yet be in that place of 100% trust. His wife may still be earning back his trust in her. But if the op--or anyone--feels the need to dominate their spouse to feel secure in the relationship, do yourself and your family a favor and just divorce.

[Kenyth]

Getting back together for the children is an honorable and smart thing to do. Many times, kids are devastated by broken families. There are so many complex reasons why that it's impossible to list them all.

 

That being said, there is a price to be paid on both sides for such an arrangement. The BS has to try and forgive and forget, often a lifelong battle. The cheater has to learn that things just don't go back to the way they were. Their actions have changed the relationships dynamic irrevocably. Obviously, they resist this. They want it back the way they remember. They really want a video game style "do-over", not the kind of second chances life gives you in reality. You should be permitted to have and express your feelings without her making you feel guilty about having them. It's the only way you'll work through it. This is the price SHE must pay. It is also why most infidelities are relationship "Humpty-Dumpty" stories. That children's story has a moral. Some things just can't be undone or fixed. They have to be lived with and assimilated. Most cheaters couldn't live with the relationship before the affair. It's unlikely they can live with it after.

 

She does sound as if she's giving it an honest try though, which is more than can be said for most.

Edited May 28, 2010 by Kenyth

[rewe4reel]

Dude, In your post there was not one mention about consensual, you come off as a fascist. And your ideas about "Alpha", and "Betas", show that you might be in need of validation or some other form of compensation.

 

 

You're again resorting to ad hominem attacks.

 

"Fascist"? Really? Do you see anything at all political in any of my posts?

 

Getting irrationally emotional, and expecting to be appreciated for it, is a clearly "beta" trait.

[rewe4reel]

You are mistaking control for strength.

 

Where did I do that? Do you think being in control of one's life and one's environment is a sign of strength, or a sign of weakness?

 

Do you think that not being in control of one's life and one's environment is a sign of strength, or a sign of weakness?

 

Control is not the same thing as strength, but clearly, there is a positive correlation between the two.

 

Or would you attempt to suggest that a lack of control = strength?

 

I'd have to disagree with that.

 

 

Desire to control another (impossible--we can only control ourselves) come from a place of weakness and fear.

 

I agree, and I never suggested that OP could or should control his spouse. In fact he can't, and that's the point. He had no control over her when she cheated and he has no control over her now.

 

What he DOES have control over is himself, and what relationship parameters he is or is not willing to participate in.

 

That's what a lot of people here apparently fail to realize. For OP to set the "rules" for the relationship is not an act of non-consensual control over his spouse, because that's impossible. What he's doing is setting out the boundaries for HIMSELF.

 

His spouse can either agree with those boundaries, consensually, or she can leave. She clearly is NOT giving him anywhere near what he or the marriage needs to successfully recover.

 

 

 

Both women and men can see through the "alpha" that is based in fear. It isn't attractive.

 

OP's wife is imposing negative emotions on him, either by her reactions to his expressions of mistrust and grief; or perhaps just be her very presence.

 

No matter. It is HER job to make him feel better. That is, if she wants him to stay with her. Because it is HER fault that he feels the way he does.

 

There is no "fear" at all involved. The only way for a marriage to have any chance at all to recover from this kind of cheating behavior is for the cheating spouse to become completely compliant psychologically. That's the only way the betrayed spouse ever really has of "knowing" or "trusting" that "it won't happen again." The cheater's mentality must change from one of 100% entitlement mentality to the complete opposite. The cheater must fully commit to doing "anything the betrayed spouse wants" to prove s/he is worthy of the betrayed spouse's trust and love.

 

No one is talking about inflicting fear; inflicting physical pain; chaining her up; or anything of the sort. Either she is willing to do ANYTHING to make this right, or she is not.

 

 

Trust and kindness come from a place of strength.

 

And a cheating spouse has and gives neither trust nor kindness, but rather the opposite, mistrust and hurt. Therefore the cheater is extremely "weak." And that is precisely why the betrayed spouse must be strong enough for both, and must clearly exert that strength and authority. Because the cheater simply doesn't have it in her/him. That's why the cheater cheated in the first place.

 

 

A strong spouse has strong boundaries ("put your food down") based on their own willingness to leave, should they be treated in an unacceptable manner. But they don't assume they will be treated poorly without "dominating".

 

This actually doesn't make any sense, maybe it's the syntax you're using. A cheater has very weak/or no boundaries, I think we can all agree. So where do you think the cheater will get boundaries from? Magically out of thin air? They have to be imposed from somewhere, externally, because the cheater doesn't have it internally. The only person who is around to impose strong boundaries on the cheater is the betrayed spouse. If the cheater is not willing to accept that, and therefore fully accept the betrayed spouse's imposition of boundaries, attempts at recovery will be absolutely futile.

 

 

 

The op may not yet be in that place of 100% trust. His wife may still be earning back his trust in her. But if the op--or anyone--feels the need to dominate their spouse to feel secure in the relationship, do yourself and your family a favor and just divorce.

 

It is not that the betrayed spouse "feels the need to dominate" the cheater. It has nothing to do with "feeling a need." I am quite sure the typical betrayed spouse hates being the relationship's "policeman/policewoman." SOMEONE has to be the "grownup" in the relationship. The cheater is simply not equipped for that task. After several years of intensive individual and relationship counseling, and a lot of growth....maybe. But in the meantime...the betrayed spouse has to step up to the plate because the cheating spouse is utterly incapable of it. What the cheating spouse CAN do is to yield to the judgment of the betrayed spouse as to all issues in the relationship, and to TRUST THAT THE BETRAYED SPOUSE WILL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS FOR BOTH OF THEM, AND FOR THE RELATIONSHIP.

 

Why don't you get that?

 

Why is the burden on the betrayed spouse to arbitrarily "trust" the cheater? Why shouldn't the cheater be required to TRUST THE BETRAYED SPOUSE TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS FOR BOTH OF THEM?

 

I'm very sorry that you apparently lack trust in the judgment of the betrayed spouse, but unfortunately, the alternative of trusting the cheating spouse to make the correct decisions strikes me as counterproductive.

[shunter]

I am still confused if you really want her as your wife or if you just want your family back.

 

Why didnt you just screw other women and agree with your ex-wife to live together to keep the family unit together?

 

If you want another woman, then go find another woman. If you want to cheat around, then go cheat around. Whatever you are feeling inside that you need and want to do, go do it. And if you dont want to tell her, then dont tell her.

 

Figure out what you want and then go do it!! You have my approval to do anything and everything you want

[linwood]

This is what you appeared to be agreeing with.

 

yes that`s what I`m agreeing with.

 

The OP`s wife have seriously screwed him over.

He appears to be willing to let her continue to screw him over.

 

His wifes position should be one of absolutely no power in the relationship for the foreseeable future.

Up to and until trust can be repaired (If it can)she must be willing to submit to any question, any inquiry, any request that helps the OP regain that trust.

 

Her life`s goal is to insure her husband she`s now trustworthy.

 

He owns her or she leaves.

It will work no other way.

 

The only control she can have is the ability to leave entirely.

 

That pretty much keeps her from being a "slave" as you put it.

[reboot]

Yes, she should be an open book, because that's what his shattered trust needs.

 

But in the end, nothing she does will repair that trust. Because trust can't be earned. It's a gift we give to someone. In the end, he'll have to decide whether to give her that gift or not.

[xxoo]

Or would you attempt to suggest that a lack of control = strength?

 

I am suggesting that a lack of the NEED to control another person = strength.

 

When a person holds a tight reign on their partner, it indicates weakness and insecurity. It would be NORMAL for the BS to feel weak and insecure while the WS works to gain back trust--but that doesn't make it ok for the BS to be abusive (as I interpret your first post on this thread). If you are that insecure in the relationship, just leave. Staying and treating the WS like a child is a horrible example for the kids. There are far worse things than divorce--like the marriage you are advocating.

[JustJoe]

Gbot, disregard the "control freaks", they have their own insecurities. You are doing a great job, and I think that you two will overcome any issues, that you are facing. Put the past, where it belongs, in the past. This is a new marriage, with a clean slate, treat it just like that.