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Why do cheating wives remain in their marriage?


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Posted
Not sure your theory is correct. I think anyone that cheats, man or woman is due to the fact that something is missing or wrong with the relationship they are presently in. Which leads them to cheat. There is a disconnect somewhere. Why do people stay in relationships where there is cheating going on? Various reasons, not always kids related. Money, effort it takes to get out and move on, change, not everyone likes change, being alone, some would rather stay in a half azz relationship then be alone.. The list goes on and on. I say get out why the gettin is good..In this case the grass is greener on the other side, at least you know who is on your team...

 

 

Yes, there is a disconnect. But by your logic...both partners should cheat because they are missing something. Explain to me why so many of us who were in not so great marriages and did know it, who were missing the essence of marriage, chose not to cheat? I am interested in your theory.

Posted (edited)
Yes, there is a disconnect. But by your logic...both partners should cheat because they are missing something. Explain to me why so many of us who were in not so great marriages and did know it, who were missing the essence of marriage, chose not to cheat? I am interested in your theory.

 

BNB,

 

If you knew your exH would cheat a month before he did it, what you not be more interested in the dude at the bar whispering something sweet in your ear? Or the co-worker who kept telling you how pretty your hair looked, etc, etc

 

I think it is easy as a BS to put yourself on a moral "high" ground when it comes to the the WS. Now me myself, I am a BS, however since my D-DAY back in Dec, I have committed my fair share of adultery, does it make a difference that she jumped out there first?

 

I think everyone could be on the hook for cheating, if the time and place where made available to you pre-A, and you felt alone and hurt, and sad enough, you may stray as well. I think saying he did it because he has NPD is a cop out for both you and him, and maybe on some level makes teh cheating "ok" because he has a mental illness. And it allows you to feel beter, that he would do it to anybody, maybe true, maybe not

 

During my marriage did I cheat on my WS, nahh, but did I gamble, drink, and generally act a fool for most of the time, well yeah I did. Does it justify her cheating, no, but do I feel sympathetic, yeah a little bit

Edited by Doing it Since '78
Posted
I think everyone could be on the hook for cheating' date=' if the time and place where made available to you pre-A, and you felt alone and hurt, and sad enough, you may stray as well.[/quote']

 

I felt alone and hurt and sad plenty at times. I never even thought about cheating. What would that have helped?

Posted
I felt alone and hurt and sad plenty at times. I never even thought about cheating. What would that have helped?

 

It would have helped nothing bro, however I have supplemented hurt pain and sadness with a bag of erb, a drunken trip to the strip club, or a road trip with my cuzzos to Atlantic city with the mortgage money in my pocket, or empty out our savings to buy a new caddy, what good did any of that do?

 

And in the grand scheme of life, which was worse?

Posted

Self destructive behavior at its finest I suppose. :)

Posted
BNB,

 

If you knew your exH would cheat a month before he did it, what you not be more interested in the dude at the bar whispering something sweet in your ear? Or the co-worker who kept telling you how pretty your hair looked, etc, etc

 

I think it is easy as a BS to put yourself on a moral "high" ground when it comes to the the WS. Now me myself, I am a BS, however since my D-DAY back in Dec, I have committed my fair share of adultery, does it make a difference that she jumped out there first?

 

I think everyone could be on the hook for cheating, if the time and place where made available to you pre-A, and you felt alone and hurt, and sad enough, you may stray as well. I think saying he did it because he has NPD is a cop out for both you and him, and maybe on some level makes teh cheating "ok" because he has a mental illness. And it allows you to feel beter, that he would do it to anybody, maybe true, maybe not

 

During my marriage did I cheat on my WS, nahh, but did I gamble, drink, and generally act a fool for most of the time, well yeah I did. Does it justify her cheating, no, but do I feel sympathetic, yeah a little bit

 

 

 

That's the difference in my belief in God and his commandments. It has nothing to do with moral high ground, but a belief in doing the right things no matter the circumstance. No I wouldn't have cheated. Watched the destruction it caused others my whole life.

 

I felt more alone in my marriage than you will ever know. I was told daily that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, a good enough mother, daughter, sister. It made me feel like crap. It made me consider suicide more than once and what I planned to the last detail at least one time. I know what it is to wake up in the morning and cry because I did. I know what it is to look into the face of a man I loved and hated at the same time and only want what was best for him and my children.

 

I lashed out verbally and physically. I did him wrong in those areas. He should have been afraid of me....very afraid. I was wrong. Thank God for his un-ending grace and mercy. I never place myself higher than anyone. I sin...daily. It is typically those that say everyone can do whatever wrong they did who view me from that position. I don't believe everyone has it in them to be an abuser....I do however. I don't believe everyone has it in them to kill if the don't control their anger....I can. I don't believe ever one would consider suicide to end their pain....I did and may very well do it again(with the Lord's guidance I don't see that in my future anymore). Not everyone has it in them to hurt others by cheating....I don't.

 

The NPD diagnosis(yes he was diagnosed) has nothing to do with his decisions to cheat. It does however effect his ability to have empathy for the pain his actions cause others. He simply does not care, it's all about him. For years I thought it was my fault he was like that....now I know it is all on him. That was a burden that the Lord lifted from my shoulders and I am grateful for the reprieve. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and it does not in any shape, form or fashion excuse or justify anything that I did to hurt Mr. Messy or my children. I am solely responsible for those actions. Just as he is solely responsible for his, no excuses for his actions.

 

Why would a diagnosis for something make me feel better? Did it take away the pain my children and I experienced? My diagnosis of CD certainly didn't make any of them feel better. It shouldn't have. It couldn't change the affect of my actions. What a diagnosis does is give you a starting point. A means to do something about that which is unacceptable....if you so choose. I could have chosen to remain married and give him a "dose of his own medicine" so to speak. What good would that have done me? My children? Our extended family and friends? They were already dealing with enough pain. Why would I want to hurt the people I love more than they were already hurting? I am I supposed to look myself in the mirror going against what I believe is the right thing to do? How could I lay my head down at night and sleep peacefully knowing that I betrayed my God, my children and myself. How could I look at my kids and see the same look of anger, disrespect and hurt that Mr. Messy had already placed there, knowing that I added to it.

 

Your choice to cheat after d-day is something you will have to answer for at some point, just as her choices she will have to answer for. I have (and will again) have to answer for all the sins I will commit against God. I am prepared because I want to be a better person. So I thank you for seeing me as someone with morals. It means that I am headed in the right direction. :)

 

You also assumed no one was already giving me those compliments....you shouldn't have. ;)

Posted
The truth Bro, all women at some level want to, desire to, and dream of being a whore. They dont want respect, or admiration. They want there hair pulled, they want the money shot in the eye, etc, etc. If at some point you refused to treat your mate in such a way, she would look for it elsewhere. Now of course this doesnt apply to every woman on the planet, and to be honest the ones it doesnt apply to are probably being tied up right now by the husbands, or havent been caught sleeping around yet.

 

Every moment you treated your wife like a "good " girl was more than likely a moment she wanted to be treated like a slut. If she wanted to be treated like a queen, why would she cheat "down" with lesser?

 

Dude I agree I think deep down most women want it like this at least sometimes. My wife and I talk dirty and it's aggressive and sometimes as vulgar as you could imagine, but in 'real life' i swear she never swears you'd just never know it about her very well spoken, kind, very patient and lovely with everyone never a bad word spoken. I f-ing love it!

Posted
I thought the conventional wisdom was that men typically cheat simply because they have the opportunity whereas women cheat when there is something seriously wrong in the relationship. If that is the case, why do women stay in what they view as a broken marriage? Take my marriage for instance - no kids, wife has her own money, wife is cheating. Why stay married?

 

 

Why does she want to stay married? Security! Having the best of both worlds, that's what cake eaters do! Also, in case if her affair partner doesn't work out, then well, your wife has dubbed you as the fall back guy, her back up plan in case her affair partner ditches her! Another words, you're her Second choice! I really hate to say that, but, why would you want to stay with someone who has made you their second choice, their fall back plan? She's made you go without sex for a whole year, and gave her lover sex in stead of you?! Divorce her ASS!!:mad:

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