Why do cheating wives remain in their marriage?

[MizFit]

Not at all I love women' date=' and they love me back! However as a former WS Samantha, did you not feel bad/dirty cheating on your BS? Was that not part of the "thrill", no offense BTW[/quote']

 

Although I don't agree with you totally '78, I do to a point. I do think that part of what makes sex to amazing for any APs is that they can be who they want to be...that can make them less inhibited and more experimental. I always think about Brie Van de Kamp and her hubby...him with the bondage hooker and perfect Brie almost dying to see her perfect life sullied that way. I'm not saying that anyone feels their lives are sullied, but if you are with a partner for years and sex is 1 way there are a lot of reasons it can get boring or less than fulfilling. Self imposed stigmas...subtle nuances shot out by your partner...general embarrassment. I don't know as degrading is how I would term it, but I think it's leaning to the forbidden act (sneaking around) and the unexpected release to have sex another way.

[reboot]

NPD = Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[bentnotbroken]

NPD, narcissistic personality disorder.

[carhill]

What is NPD?

 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

 

I've only known one instance where a BH has met this definition and it was a situation where the H and W both cheated on the other, though the H was 'first'. So I guess he was a WH first and a BH second. Personally, I'd just D but that's me. Life's too short.

[califnan]

I can't speak for your marriage .. Since she has her own money, it would appear that there is something else holding her there - such as her love for you - or afraid of upsetting things and hurting you.

 

I knew of two women who had affairs within the marriage (one of them even sought out the AP). What the two women also had in common was that they were so afraid of not being married, that their wedding dates were scheduled within hours after the finalization of the divorces.

[SummerLady]

I thought the conventional wisdom was that men typically cheat simply because they have the opportunity whereas women cheat when there is something seriously wrong in the relationship. If that is the case, why do women stay in what they view as a broken marriage? Take my marriage for instance - no kids, wife has her own money, wife is cheating. Why stay married?

 

Not sure your theory is correct. I think anyone that cheats, man or woman is due to the fact that something is missing or wrong with the relationship they are presently in. Which leads them to cheat. There is a disconnect somewhere. Why do people stay in relationships where there is cheating going on? Various reasons, not always kids related. Money, effort it takes to get out and move on, change, not everyone likes change, being alone, some would rather stay in a half azz relationship then be alone.. The list goes on and on. I say get out why the gettin is good..In this case the grass is greener on the other side, at least you know who is on your team...

[Samantha0905]

Not at all I love women' date=' and they love me back! However as a former WS Samantha, did you not feel bad/dirty cheating on your BS? Was that not part of the "thrill", no offense BTW[/quote']

 

No, I felt guilty. That was not part of the thrill.

 

I mean, I get when people say the secretive nature of the affair may lead to the excitement in some odd sort of way. I never thought it out like that. I generally felt worried about having the affair and guilty. As for the sex with my XAP, that felt passionate and I sort of understand the use of the word animalistic because sometimes during passionate sex with my XAP it certainly felt that way -- but there were also very tender moments. There was variety. I never felt he was treating me badly or like a whore. That's a rather negative connotation that simply wasn't there for me when I was having sex with my XAP.

 

Honestly, the thrill for me was the fact I was finally having sex I enjoyed.

[Passion4Life]

Beats me in your case, but with me there are all sorts of reasons -- long term marriage, adult children, sense of family, sense of responsibility/morality, etc. I'm not cheating any longer, but I did. Not proud of it.

 

well thats confusing what morality has to do with staying married while cheating ?

Samantha0905 , not talking about your case .

[Just a stone's throw]

So in other words' date=' you felt the need to be bad/a whore? No disrespect intended[/quote']

 

 

Nope, sorry to break the mold. Once I realized I was only a "piece of azz" to him I have had a much easier time getting over him. Wasn't like that for me.

[Woggle]

They want to run around but they also want the security at home. They are really no different than men who cheat.

[bentnotbroken]

They want to run around but they also want the security at home. They are really no different than men who cheat.

 

 

Yup, no different.

[seibert253]

I think it's the old "the grass is always greener on the other side of the hill" theory.

 

My FWW bought that hook, line, and sinker. When she finally realized it wasn't and she wasn't anything but a good time to the OM, bam, home arunnin she came.

 

She put it this way, I always knew I had it good, I just didn't realize how good I really had it.

 

Shame it took all of this to realize that.

[califnan]

I think it's the old "the grass is always greener on the other side of the hill" theory.

 

My FWW bought that hook, line, and sinker. When she finally realized it wasn't and she wasn't anything but a good time to the OM, bam, home arunnin she came.

 

She put it this way, I always knew I had it good, I just didn't realize how good I really had it.

 

Shame it took all of this to realize that.

 

------------------

 

Does this mean the OM/OW isn't actually the rescuer..

[Woggle]

I think it's the old "the grass is always greener on the other side of the hill" theory.

 

My FWW bought that hook, line, and sinker. When she finally realized it wasn't and she wasn't anything but a good time to the OM, bam, home arunnin she came.

 

She put it this way, I always knew I had it good, I just didn't realize how good I really had it.

 

Shame it took all of this to realize that.

 

Any man with an ounce of self respect would tell her it's too late and that she blew it.

[Samantha0905]

well thats confusing what morality has to do with staying married while cheating ?

Samantha0905 , not talking about your case .

 

Oh -- it's okay. I don't think morality has anything to do with staying married while cheating. I mean, I don't think it shows strong moral character to be married and to be cheating. When someone is married and cheating they pretty much should know they are behaving immorally. Well, I did -- based on what I believe my morals to be. I don't want it to sound like I'm saying we all have the same things we ideally want to emulate as moral behavior.

 

When I typed what you quoted, I meant after the fact (after my affair) my view of what my morality should be is part of why I've stayed in the marriage.

 

During the cheating, I stayed in the marriage for all sorts reasons -- I wasn't sure I wanted to end my marriage, I was scared to end my marriage, I thought I was wrong for cheating (but obviously not wrong enough to stop), I thought what I was doing to my children was wrong, etc. Plus, I didn't have to leave my marriage -- although I felt like I wanted to -- to be with m XAP. Now, I don't mean I thought that out as some devious plan to keep stringing my XAP along. At times, I've been frustrated with myself I couldn't leave my marriage to be with my XAP. At other times, I was frustrated I couldn't leave my XAP and just be happy with my husband.

 

I kept cheating because I liked how my XAP made me feel, I liked being held by him, I had dreams of being with just him, etc. I felt like I loved him and I was so happy to feel comfortable sexually and intimate with a man.

 

In other words, once the affair starts there's all sorts of screwed up/confusing thinking going on. At least there was for me. I was all over the board. I still am a bit.

[JustJoe]

Cheating spouses can and will continue to cheat and continue the marriage as long as the benefits, outweigh the drawbacks. Simply put. It's not rocket science. All sorts of emotional, sexual, moral and financial issues come into play, but the bottom line is that same old "cake-eater", stereotype is true way more often than not.

[Med]

 

A rich OM usually spells a divorce in the future.

Of course this is JMO. As a woman.

 

Imo that is so true...This was the case with my ex wife of 19 & half years…The man she left me and our child for is a little bit more wealthy then I am & more generous, so in a way she saw this as an easy exit. In her own words after she had left & we had spoken some weeks after for the childs needs “he’s helping me financially” Meaning he was helping her exit while she was in the thick of it “GUILT”

[lkjh]

I cheated. I am not cheating and no longer wish to cheat. I chose to cheat because I found out I could. We had a strong physical connection and the allure of risk and doing something bad was attractive to me. I felt that my H had a level of disrespect for me and my family which I was never able to address with him. I do not find cheating attractive any longer. I am choosing to be with the man I love and work on our marriage. I have been able to discuss the respect issues with him and maybe in a way had this affair as a sort of revenge, a disrespect tit-for-tat though I'm pretty sure mine trumped any disrespect he ever had for me. No, I have not chosen to confess the affair. That has been well documented elsewhere but am consistent in my intent to end it and be the best wife I can be moving forward.

 

I do not want to D my H though I realize that I am taking a huge chance in not telling him that if he were to ever find out that would likely be the outcome and I accept that. I can make my own money, friends, life. I appreciate what he offers to my life and would rather be with him than without him.

 

JAST

 

 

Didnt you also trick him into going to MC and making him work on "his issues" to fix the marriage.

 

Op as sad as it is her answer is the right one. They cheat and stay married because of selfishness. They can do it and get away with it.

 

Don't take a cheater back because she will display the same exact mentality......that you are not important just her

[Just a stone's throw]

Didnt you also trick him into going to MC and making him work on "his issues" to fix the marriage.

 

Op as sad as it is her answer is the right one. They cheat and stay married because of selfishness. They can do it and get away with it.

 

Don't take a cheater back because she will display the same exact mentality......that you are not important just her

 

No, I didn't "trick" him into anything. We identified a mutual issue with our sexual relationship. We mutually agreed to go to a sex therapist for counseling. And while you imply that my reasons for not telling and staying with the marriage after the A is all selfish on my part I will continue to argue that I harbor a lot of guilt which I have chosen to live with rather than ruin a multitude of people's lives by revealing the A. I do not deny that it is selfish but I don't agree that its being done entirely selfishly. If I were still in the A then I think that would make a different point.

 

JAST

[Change2]

The truth Bro, all women at some level want to, desire to, and dream of being a whore. They dont want respect, or admiration. They want there hair pulled, they want the money shot in the eye, etc, etc. If at some point you refused to treat your mate in such a way, she would look for it elsewhere. Now of course this doesnt apply to every woman on the planet, and to be honest the ones it doesnt apply to are probably being tied up right now by the husbands, or havent been caught sleeping around yet.

 

Every moment you treated your wife like a "good " girl was more than likely a moment she wanted to be treated like a slut. If she wanted to be treated like a queen, why would she cheat "down" with lesser?

 

 

I hate bashing!! so im going to find some truth in what you say! I gotta give it to you for being blunt, lol. In a way, i can say i do daydream and act like being a whore, as you put it. i just like thinking of it as being naughty for my hubby:D Yeah, i at times want my hair pulled, can't say I want the money shot in my eye though! lol. Im not sure why any girl wouldn't want be treated like the good girl and sometimes the bad girl.

[wheelwright]

I thought the conventional wisdom was that men typically cheat simply because they have the opportunity whereas women cheat when there is something seriously wrong in the relationship. If that is the case, why do women stay in what they view as a broken marriage? Take my marriage for instance - no kids, wife has her own money, wife is cheating. Why stay married?

 

I didn't want to, but H persuaded me, and really didn't want to split in the aftermath of an A. Didn't want that to be the reason.

 

But it was my choice too, and I think some kind of guilt was a factor. And perhaps fear - not fear of being alone or anything.

 

Fear of making a big, irrevocable mistake.

 

Fear that I might be making that choice because I was messed up.

 

It really isn't easy to weigh it all up. Society both steers us towards M and commitment, while at the same time encouraging us (women especially) to seek out love. If we are not getting it in the M, then we become confused about what to do. And we remain confused, which is maybe where your W's at.

 

I am not certain that I should leave my M, nor certain I should stay. I am trying to find out.

 

I don't suppose your W will find out this if she's cheating.

[lkjh]

No, I didn't "trick" him into anything. We identified a mutual issue with our sexual relationship. We mutually agreed to go to a sex therapist for counseling. And while you imply that my reasons for not telling and staying with the marriage after the A is all selfish on my part I will continue to argue that I harbor a lot of guilt which I have chosen to live with rather than ruin a multitude of people's lives by revealing the A. I do not deny that it is selfish but I don't agree that its being done entirely selfishly. If I were still in the A then I think that would make a different point.

 

JAST

 

Look its easy to make yourself into a some kind of victim by talking about your guilt but in reality the only reason you didn't tell is because you want to stay married, even if that means deceiving your H everyday for the rest of your lives. You stripped him of his rights in your marriage. Also, you really didn't sacrifice much for your marriage, you didn't end the affair the OM did, you work and live in the same town as the OM, you admitted in your first thread that your H deserves to know but you can't do it at this time so in other words you wanted to make him work on the marriage invest a bunch of more years and then one day you may or may not blindside him with it. Either way you are tricking him into staying married.

 

If I remember correctly you convinced your H to work on himself in order to save your marriage and you even lead him to believe that his actions were the cause of problems in your marriage. Say what you want but making him work on himself all the while you are a cheater is tricking him.

 

There is nothing mutual about a marriage when one member has done what you have.

 

Look I really don't judge you for what you are doing, Im just being honest about it. As long as you are lying to H about the A it is still ongoing.

 

I don't see why its so hard for cheaters to admit that their motives are selfish. I guess Im trying to see how you and others can convince yourselves that what you are doing is for your spouses benefit when in reality its you trying to protect yourself

[lkjh]

Stone the sad part is that when you first posted here you kept saying that you were going to wait for the right time to tell him, the truth is you were just to scared to do it then and with everyday that passes its just going to get harder

[lkjh]

Not sure your theory is correct. I think anyone that cheats, man or woman is due to the fact that something is missing or wrong with the relationship they are presently in. Which leads them to cheat. There is a disconnect somewhere. Why do people stay in relationships where there is cheating going on? Various reasons, not always kids related. Money, effort it takes to get out and move on, change, not everyone likes change, being alone, some would rather stay in a half azz relationship then be alone.. The list goes on and on. I say get out why the gettin is good..In this case the grass is greener on the other side, at least you know who is on your team...

 

I am sorry but I dont believe this. Every marriage will eventually face hard times but people who cheat are lead to do it. It is a character flaw, there are millions of way to handle problem but they choseto cheat. No supernatural force pushed them to it

 

Just because the person stays married to you does not mean they are on your side. Plenty of people cheat multiple time through out a marriage. When they get away with it once it makes it easier the next time

[Just a stone's throw]

Stone the sad part is that when you first posted here you kept saying that you were going to wait for the right time to tell him, the truth is you were just to scared to do it then and with everyday that passes its just going to get harder

 

 

You are very right about that. I struggle with it every day. However the counseling we went through was for both of us. It was not for him to fix himself in our sexual relationship. I did work there too. We both shared in that and there were no tricks there. There was definitely a wake up call to me that said I needed to address what was wrong with our intimacy but he had been saying it for a long time. I didn't think it was something that we could change. Just thought it was the way it was. Just the way I was made up. I learned differently about myself and I have done work to change that.

 

The reason that it was brought to light in my mind, yes, that is the secret message that is a terrible thing that I can't bring myself to tell him. You're absolutely right and I have no justification for it. I still am not at a point where I feel I have the intestinal fortitude to do anything about it other than be what I can be right now.

 

To say that the affair was ended for me, well yes in a manner of speaking but I can guarantee you that if I wanted the affair to continue, I could email exMM today and we'd be together in a heartbeat. But that would get us both nowhere and I've come too far along and have recommitted so I will not do that.