New posters on the OW/OM forum and the Infidelity forum

[jennie-jennie]

And no, you don't resemble this description. You seem to be able to rationally discuss a wide variety of topics, even within the subject of infidelity and understand the world doesn't spin simply because you walk on it.

 

Thank you! That was the nicest compliment I have gotten all day!

[jennie-jennie]

How could that be possible, since no one gets PM privileges at the get go?

 

OK, you got me there. They must have stayed long enough to post 50 posts at least. The other requirement is 1 month membership. I would still consider that new however.

 

So this means that the ones who do not last one month, do not even have this opportunity.

[carhill]

How could that be possible, since no one gets PM privileges at the get go?

IMO, a great suggestion for a newbie intent on using LS for support would be to purchase a month's subscription for 2.50, which includes an immediate PM box of 250 PM's. At the end of the month, which is the standard waiting period, they'd likely have enough posts (60 iirc) to access PM's for free. I'll remember that....

[Hazyhead]

I was being funny but I thought it was ironic that while this banter continued on, that a new poster to OW/OM was only being responded to by BS, initially anyway.

4

 

I do think that this whole thread is a little bit ironic. I haven't read it all (so much in such a short space of time!), but I get the gist... a thread in which all 'types' (sorry if that offends but it's simpler than labeling everyone) are posting to discuss whether or not to discuss things? ... or something anyway.

 

When I first posted on LS, I appreciated ALL advice, still do. Yes, I received tough love, but it was meant with good intentions and I needed it. The advice is far more balanced when the opinions of everybody count.

 

I'm sorry Jennie - I don't agree. New poster could do with everybody's view as much as old posters. I don't see the point in censoring it.

[reboot]

I guess I'm having trouble coming to grips with the idea that there are people out there so insanely insecure that a few anonymous message board posters could drive them away from an anonymous message board because they don't like some of the advice given.

 

And please don't say "well they drive them away because they're just so gosh darned ugly and hateful to them". I've been here long enough to know Tony isn't going to put up with that.

[Owl]

Fair enough. I've voiced my thoughts. Don't see that I can add much else. Have a good weekend.

[White Flower]

I was being funny but I thought it was ironic that while this banter continued on, that a new poster to OW/OM was only being responded to by BS, initially anyway.

OK, I guess I'll have to put my boxing gloves back in the closet.

[sally4sara]

Thank you! That was the nicest compliment I have gotten all day!

 

No problem!

 

I do see the sense in the OW/OM forum. Tho sometimes I question the worth of someone coming here truly distraught about what they are dealing with only to be met with someone only intent on bragging about how much better their affair is than the poster is experiencing.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Jennie,

 

Am I losing my mind or did you just post on a BS's initial post on the infidelity board????

[White Flower]

No problem!

 

I do see the sense in the OW/OM forum. Tho sometimes I question the worth of someone coming here truly distraught about what they are dealing with only to be met with someone only intent on bragging about how much better their affair is than the poster is experiencing.

There may be comparisons made but not in the sense of bragging, at least I have never sensed that, unless of course it was a troll and we shut down trolls pretty quickly around here.

 

We may suggest that an OW is experiencing a down time and that it could be better, please weigh the bad against the good, and then decide, etc., etc., but I don't think there's much bragging. Perhaps bragging is sensed by those who are feeling jealous? I can't say because I've never noticed it here.

[reboot]

Oh c'mon WF. There's bragging. I don't need the infractions I'd get for saying the names, but it happens.

[norajane]

Owl, the difference is between the NEW posters I am speaking of and us older posters who can take the treatment hashed out. We who have been here at least a little while can engage in heated discussions. That does not mean that I am trying to force my view on anyone. I just looooove discussions.

 

Jennie, do you spend any time reading threads outside OW/OM forum and Infidelity forum? If so, surely you know that new posters of all kinds in all areas of the forum are open to the same kind of "welcome" as you find in the OW/OM forum. Responses to people who post for the first time or otherwise in Dating, Long Distance Relationships, Marriage, etc., span the gamut of opinions and approaches.

 

Which is to say, why would this forum be treated any differently than any other on LS?

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie,

 

Am I losing my mind or did you just post on a BS's initial post on the infidelity board????

 

LOL I did! But it was an interesting topic of discussion, not somebody hurting in my opinion. ROTFL

[sally4sara]

There may be comparisons made but not in the sense of bragging, at least I have never sensed that, unless of course it was a troll and we shut down trolls pretty quickly around here.

 

We may suggest that an OW is experiencing a down time and that it could be better, please weigh the bad against the good, and then decide, etc., etc., but I don't think there's much bragging. Perhaps bragging is sensed by those who are feeling jealous? I can't say because I've never noticed it here.

 

I just think it is kinda cold even if they didn't intend it to be that way. When one of my friends is down about something at a time I'm experiencing a much better situation similar to theirs, I refrain from anything that might be perceived as rubbing their face in it. I know they might, under different circumstances, love to hear how happy I am - just not right now. Right now is their pain and confusion and whatever I can do to help. Even if that help is some tough love. Tough love is helpful tho hard to hear - it only makes it cruel if I'm also singing about how great MY life is while doing it.

 

And since you will get all flavors of advise from faceless folk in this forum, the ones tooting their horn are just as bad as the ones flinging mud because their spouse stepped out - and it all puts a damper on the ones trying to truly help. The online route really has the OP dealing with something akin to a schizophrenic, 10 headed hydra. It all runs together.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie, do you spend any time reading threads outside OW/OM forum and Infidelity forum? If so, surely you know that new posters of all kinds in all areas of the forum are open to the same kind of "welcome" as you find in the OW/OM forum. Responses to people who post for the first time or otherwise in Dating, Long Distance Relationships, Marriage, etc., span the gamut of opinions and approaches.

 

Which is to say, why would this forum be treated any differently than any other on LS?

 

I read Marriage and LDR at times, but have never noticed the kind of "welcome" the OW/OM receive anywhere else.

 

Hmmm, I do remember sticking up for sally4sara on Marriage when she was new though, but can't remember the circumstances around it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

LOL I did! But it was an interesting topic of discussion, not somebody hurting in my opinion. ROTFL

 

Well, I guess opinion is the operative word. Everyone has one, and if that's acceptable, then this thread is moot is it not?

[sally4sara]

I read Marriage and LDR at times, but have never noticed the kind of "welcome" the OW/OM receive anywhere else.

 

Hmmm, I do remember sticking up for sally4sara on Marriage when she was new though, but can't remember the circumstances around it.

 

I think I remember something about that, having to do with two warped psychos thinking my husband and I CAUSED one of his platonic friends to turn disrespectful.

But I've been around a good while. I don't pop in infidelity and OW/OM all that often.

I came here initially in 2006? for a friend (the sara half of my username) getting on-line cheated on. After that, the subject wasn't one I dealt with much.

[jennie-jennie]

Well, I guess opinion is the operative word. Everyone has one, and if that's acceptable, then this thread is moot is it not?

 

It was a discussion of other infidelity sites, not a discussion of the OP's marriage or his/her WS' affair. That is a major difference in my opinion.

[jennie-jennie]

I think I remember something about that, having to do with two warped psychos thinking my husband and I CAUSED one of his platonic friends to turn disrespectful.

But I've been around a good while. I don't pop in infidelity and OW/OM all that often.

I came here initially in 2006? for a friend (the sara half of my username) getting on-line cheated on. After that, the subject wasn't one I dealt with much.

 

No, then I must have you confused with someone else. I didn't start posting here until a year ago. Sorry to hear about the psychos.

[norajane]

I read Marriage and LDR at times, but have never noticed the kind of "welcome" the OW/OM receive anywhere else.

 

Hmmm, I do remember sticking up for sally4sara on Marriage when she was new though, but can't remember the circumstances around it.

 

Well, if you want to see how LS is equal-opportunity, open one of the threads with topics such as

 

- I'm a nice guy and nice guys finish last

- my husband watches too much porn

- i can't get over my girlfriend's past

- women only want jerks

- my mate is perfect except for some extra weight

- my bf/gf dumped me x months ago and i want to get back together

- only 5% of women have bikini bodies

- who should pay for dates?

 

You get the idea...

[MizFit]

Well...I read to page 7 and that was enough for me...

 

Jennie-Jennie...I understand what you're saying. I think the difference is that the BS is viewed as a more sympathetic player in the A...the OW/OM is part of the villainy (no, I'm not sure that's a word) and I think that sometimes the reactions to their first posts can definitely reflect that.

 

Someone, around page 4 or 5, alluded to the BS suffering on DDay and the OW didn't. I was the BS 19 years ago and I had my DDay and sent him packing...I had no idea of it at the time, but I had every single bit of the control of the situation. I've had several DDays with my MM and the first one was the most heartwrenching night I've spent that didn't include a death of a loved one. You sit in the dark and wonder...you think...you remember...you wonder if the feelings were anything special or really were nothing...you ask yourself if you'd have done it again...you get a call from a BS and you sit and take it...you cry because the love you cherished was gone...you talk to your BF or someone close to you...you know that decisions that affect your life in a tremendously dramatic fashion are being discussed and made and you have no input.

 

I know that an OW/OM sets themself up for that...not disputing it, but the reality is it hurts and comparing the two...I can tell you which was worse for ME. I am in no way insinuating that is the norm...that is my reality.

 

My point is that an OW/OM that wanders in here is more apt to be hit hard whereas a BS may not be...I feel it's because overall the BS is accepted as more sympathetic. Blame is affixed to an OW/OM, where sympathy is affixed to a BS.

 

Again...what I'm saying about my experiences I am in no way saying are what everyone goes through or feels. Just trying to show that I agree with JJ that sometimes the tones of responses out of the gates are a bit harsh for the OW/OM.

[jennie-jennie]

Well...I read to page 7 and that was enough for me...

 

Jennie-Jennie...I understand what you're saying. I think the difference is that the BS is viewed as a more sympathetic player in the A...the OW/OM is part of the villainy (no, I'm not sure that's a word) and I think that sometimes the reactions to their first posts can definitely reflect that.

 

Someone, around page 4 or 5, alluded to the BS suffering on DDay and the OW didn't. I was the BS 19 years ago and I had my DDay and sent him packing...I had no idea of it at the time, but I had every single bit of the control of the situation. I've had several DDays with my MM and the first one was the most heartwrenching night I've spent that didn't include a death of a loved one. You sit in the dark and wonder...you think...you remember...you wonder if the feelings were anything special or really were nothing...you ask yourself if you'd have done it again...you get a call from a BS and you sit and take it...you cry because the love you cherished was gone...you talk to your BF or someone close to you...you know that decisions that affect your life in a tremendously dramatic fashion are being discussed and made and you have no input.

 

I know that an OW/OM sets themself up for that...not disputing it, but the reality is it hurts and comparing the two...I can tell you which was worse for ME. I am in no way insinuating that is the norm...that is my reality.

 

My point is that an OW/OM that wanders in here is more apt to be hit hard whereas a BS may not be...I feel it's because overall the BS is accepted as more sympathetic. Blame is affixed to an OW/OM, where sympathy is affixed to a BS.

 

Again...what I'm saying about my experiences I am in no way saying are what everyone goes through or feels. Just trying to show that I agree with JJ that sometimes the tones of responses out of the gates are a bit harsh for the OW/OM.

 

MizFit, you stirred up some memories for me here. We haven't had any Ddays, but NC and the other times I spent waiting for my MM to come back from "working on his marriage", not knowing if he even would, and tell me whether our love was still on or not, were truly heartwrenching and full of anxiety. They remind me of the nights I lay awake with the same heartwrenching and anxious feeling, waiting for my WS to return, suspecting that he once again was unfaithful to me.

 

In my case I would not say that one emotion was worse than the other, they were both hell.

[MizFit]

MizFit, you stirred up some memories for me here. We haven't had any Ddays, but NC and the other times I spent waiting for my MM to come back from "working on his marriage", not knowing if he even would, and tell me whether our love was still on or not, were truly heartwrenching and full of anxiety. They remind me of the nights I lay awake with the same heartwrenching and anxious feeling, waiting for my WS to return, suspecting that he once again was unfaithful to me.

 

In my case I would not say that one emotion was worse than the other, they were both hell.

 

Oh Jennie-Jennie...I didn't mean to stir anything up, but I must say that your talk of nights waiting for WS to come in and wondering much the same...I had my DDay and left, but there were some tough times waiting for my verdict and his admission. You're right...gut wrenching and I agree I don't think either is worse than the other.

 

((((J-J))))

[Snowflower]

I have to say I kind of agree with Jennie in that new OW and OM (but more commonly it is an OW) really get harsh posts here. I've seen it time and time again...and sometimes these new posters just leave again after a few posts.

 

I feel kind of bad for them--they are trying to get some clarity about their situation and they are bashed severely for being involved with a married person. I always wonder what they took away from LS.

 

LS can be a harsh place--especially if a poster doesn't immediately conform to the expected notions; i.e. a person must have serious issues if they cheat, how dare someone become involved with a married person, etc.

 

I don't think there is a way it can or even should be moderated though.

[pureinheart]

 

My advice to you and anyone faced with this (else I would PM you)...ignore it. Responding to the response almost always degenerates the thread into a bickerfest. Entertaining in a Jerry Springer sense? Yes. Helpful? No.

 

Basically, if someone is bashing do you really think they will suddenly grow maturity because you (or anyone) challenged them on it? Simply report if you feel strongly about it and move on.

 

Most posters don't need "protection"....[/QUOTE]

 

I see where your coming from and totally agree...with the new posters though, some could be very vulnerable, jennie is trying to ask for us regulars to use some guidelines.

 

For me, JW, I had never been in a discussion forum ever...I was on a couple of prayer chats, but that was it.

 

I had quite a warm welcome IMO, and had that not happened especially in the mess I was in...OMG (also I was hyperthyroid, in the very worst stages, which I would not wish on my worst enemy) it was horrible. The OW/OM and BS's ALL worked with me.

 

It is just so frustrating thread after thread...the opening responses the same negative your a slimbag cheater and you get what you deserve.

 

I have ignored the negativity, although when I see a new poster come in I am embarrassed at what the "welcoming committee" gives them.

 

My personal opinion is that some responses come from deep seated anger and guilt and it is wrong. Though I do realise it is a lack of maturity in various areas, I have been there myself back in the day...although I did not treat/speak to anyone in such a cruel manor...I will defend myself though.

 

What cracks me up the most is LS is divided into forums, each having their own guidelines of SUPPORT...then when some of the first few responses are actually cruel and cold blooded, then someone says hey chill and are told to "back off"....nothing is said to the previous cruel mess...this is what I don't get. Why say something to me, do I appear vulnerable? I'm not, but there are some that are and this is my concern as well as jennies.

 

I believe it is possible to find common ground.

 

JW, I just read that you were a BS, I am so sorry...I'm sure I can speak for others here that have learned much from you. I gravitate to those that I can learn from, that is how I ended up with exDM...he was extremely intelligent...you are also, you use logic with real life and are not unbecoming.

 

I appreciate all of the help from all who have caused me to grow and I think that is the frustration as there is no growth in cruelty, just more unresolved guilt and condemnation that is poured out unto others...