- broke up with fiancé and beyond lost

[missylow]

Hi all,

 

I'm posting on here because I am close to breaking point and don't know what to do. Please don't judge and tell me I'm stupid or that I should have left years ago. I know these things. What I just want is to hear similar stories, affirmation that I will be ok.. that I am making the right decision. I am very low at the moment & very lost & heart broken so please be gentle

 

I finished with my fiancé who I live with last night. I did this because I cannot get over his past behaviour. But I love him more than I can express and am hurting so very much right now. I am close to just calling him & telling him that I can't live without him.

 

I won't go into every last details, but essentially when we got together he had just finished with his ex (who he was living with). He told me he had finished with her & that he wanted to be with me. He continued to live with her for the first three months of our relationship (telling me he was sleeping on the sofa), but I found out later that he was still with her during this time. They were just having problems. He treated me pretty awfully during this time, breaking my trust and making me feel second best all the time.

 

So, when he finally left, we moved past it & continued together. During the first year of our relationship, however, he remained a bit distant with me & would always choose her over me. if we had plans, but she asked him to do something, he'd drop me in a second. He refused to publically acknowledge me (won't accept my relationship request on facebook, wouldn't let me meet his family or friends). I know he wasn't with her any more (not just because he told me, but through other sources too), but he did not want her to know about me because they were such good friends and he would rather have denied my existence than lose her. Naturally this broke my self-esteem. I'm an extremely loving, sensitive person and it was killing me that I was only second best to the man I loved.

 

Anyway, of course we broke up b& got back together countless times. I once told him that he needed to start putting me first & get her out of his life if we were to survive. I gave him a month to think it over and decide. That was agony for me. At the end of the month he said he couldn't do it, so we split. Of course, my feelings eventually proved too strong & we got back together.

 

I would often find during the first 18 months, condoms under his bed which I wasn't using because I was on the pill (I know about the STI's thing & know I should have been smarter, so please don't mention that), women's make-up under his bed which didn't belong to me, women's clothes around his room. I once found a film on his laptop of him filming a girl in her knickers on his bed (which he made up a weird & wonderful story about which essentially meant he wasn't guilty, when i know he was). He denied that he ever did anythign with anyone else during this time.

 

At 18 months I found out that he was sleeping with ANOTHER ex girlfriend. She was a roommate in the house he lived in after he moved out from the first ex. He had never told me that they had been together, saying she was a friend of a friend that he thought he might have known. So he admitted this one. He said he needed a car to get to work & she had said he could use hers as long as her gave her sex. He said he was too proud to come to me & ask for help, so he started having sex with her. Whilst still having sex with me & not using condoms. She also told me that he had been sleeping with her from before he moved into hers & that she had been sleeping with him whilst he was with his ex that he had just finished with.

 

Bear with me!

 

So.. again we split. Then we start talking, he says sorry, I still love him, so we move in together & start afresh.

 

From 18 months to 2 years I find sexual conversations on his phone both from & to him. He tells me that everyone gets random texts like this all the time & that he only plays along & I'm being silly. I ask him to stop, but he doesn't.

 

At 2 years I discover he has a secret email address & that he has registered on a couple of sites where you meet people for sex. He has put up pictures of himself aroused on to the website & paid to be a member. He tells me that his brother had been on this website & had been being stalked by a girl, so my fiancé registered in order to 'lure' this girl from his brother & then tell her to get lost. Yeah, I know - can't believe I fell for that one either. Strange what love will make you do.

 

Anyway.. again, I am completely broken by this point. I feel worn down, like I am crazy & deserve to be treated in this way on some weird level. I still love him & have tried to leave so many times that I just feel like a complete doormat & a shell of the former bright, bubbly girl I used to be. I have lost friends at this point as they can't bear to see me go through any of this. My family hate my boyfriend. I just ignore what has happened & we stay together.

 

Then two months later I discover a sexual text on his phone. I call the girl & she tells me she has come to my flat (gives me a date when I was on holiday with a friend) and had sex with my boyfriend. She describes where my flat is, tattoos on his body & tells me she met him off the adult dating site.

 

He of course denies it all, says he isn't sure how she knows stuff about him, maybe someone out for revenge as he pissed off a lot of people. Says her description of the flat isn't accurate (I think it was).

 

So.. he denies sleeping with the girl & sticks to his story. I so desperately want to believe him that we sort of split for a while, but then carry on.

 

After that I haven't really found anything of much substance to say he has been up to much. He tells me that he loves me & has changed for me. He treats me really well. I find no texts, he showers me with affection & love. He's always there. He gives me access to all emails, his facebook account etc. Says he will do anything to make me trust him again & can't believe he acted the way he has.

 

So for the past 18 months, he appears to have been behaving (and I check pretty thoroughly, so I have no reason to suspect he's been up to anything at all). He proposed to me 8 months ago & we moved to a new flat, started a fresh life. My family are much more accepting & willing to give him a chance. But I just cannot forget about the past.

 

A week ago I found another adult sex site in his history on his computer & also a few escort sites in our local area. He told me that he would never risk hurting me again & that the reason he had looked up the sites is that he & his friends were discussing whether you could get good looking hookers in our area. He wanted to see if you could, so looked them up. He said that some of them clicked through to other sites (hence the adult dating sites). I checked & he isn't registered on any of them. He also showed me his bank account to prove he hadn't made any large withdrawals to pay for an escort. So I really don't know on that one. Maybe he was being honest, maybe he wasn't & was intending to see an escort.

 

So I realised that I just couldn't take anymore pain. I still recall everything he has done in the past & I just can't forget. He hates me now, because he feels that I should have said ages ago that I couldn't get past the past & that I've been dishonest. All I was trying to do is hope that things would get better. I couldn't bear to part from him & not have him in my life. I love him so very much.

 

Part of me (the most part) believes I am making the right decision. But then there's a small part of my mind (and a HUGE part of my heart) that says maybe, just maybe I have got it wrong this time & he really has changed & I am over-reacting because of the past. Maybe I should just believe him on this occasion because of how he has been in the past 18 months.

 

So I've written him an email telling him that if he can admit the past, all the things he denied doing, then they would stop driving me crazy & we could move past them. I suggested us both going to counselling & trying to work through this. I know you'll probably dispute this given what I have said, but I KNOW he loves me & wants me forever. I know he wants to marry me & for us to have children together. He pushes these issues more than I do.

 

I haven't sent the email yet. I'm truly terrified of finally walking away from a relationship I have put so much into & from a man I love more than I thought I could love anyone.

 

Any advice would be gratefully received Even better if you have been in an even remotely similar position.

 

We're still in our flat at the moment & he has said he wants to go & never see me again. My heart is breaking.

 

Thanks xxx

[alltoomuch]

hi

 

very sorry to hear your story you sound like you have had your fair share of problems with him, my advice to yo is NOT to send the email.

 

Right your feelings down but you will be more heartbroken if you dont get a response.

 

I found out my partner of 2 years had done the same internet dating whilst we were together, i love him with all my heart and begged him to get back (i ended it). It has been a week and i have been in contact with him. the latest being that i need him and i want him back after he contact me with a short hello.. guess what no reply. im cut up.

 

You have made the right decision to get out now. can you imagine if you married him and found out all these things? you deserve someone who will be 100% faithful to you and make you happy. men are like elastic bands they keep coming back when they think the grass isnt greener... you deserve so much more!!!!!!!

 

things for me after just one week are getting easier but it takes time. it wont happen overnight.. i have had some great advice on here and keep reading it... you will feel stronger and stronger...

 

hugs x

[VideoKid]

Wow is all I can say. Without being too mean - get some self-respect girl! He's walking all over you.

 

1. He was still sleeping with his ex when you got together.

2. He chose her over you for a YEAR???

3. 18 months in, sex with another ex (with a poor excuse)

4. Sexual texts to someone else

5. You found him on dating websites

6. He invited a girl over for sex whilst you were on holiday.

7. More adult sex sites.

 

How many times do you need cheating on before you leave??

 

I know how it feels, I had an ex (luckily only together for 6 months) who was always a bit shady, rumours of him cheating on me surfaced and he was emailling exes. When I found out it was all sweet talking, presents and 'you're the only one for me, i want to marry you and have our kids'. He also wouldn't accept my facebook relationship request or be seen with me much in public! I stuck with it because I didn't want to be on my own but now I look back on it I should have just told him where to stick his relationship! In the end he dumped me and I realised all that sweet talking was a lie.

 

You want to be loved and cared for right? This ISN'T love, do you want to spend your whole life constantly checking under the bed and his internet history? It sounds like you want the relationship to work a whole lot more than he does anyway.

[Ilovecake]

I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around your story. What happened to you that you would let someone treat you this badly? You know this is not normal behavior. Not only are you risking your sanity but you're risking your life being with this person. Have you even gotten tested for HIV and other stds? That should be your #1 priority right now. Secondly you need extremely hardcore therapy to see why you completely dismiss your own needs and happiness to be with your abuser. I'm sorry to say but this is all on you. He does what he pleases, tells you the most ridiculous, unbelievable stories and you chose to believe that over the simple truth. I'm flabbergasted.

 

Read your story a few times, read it as if it was someone else who wrote it. He has you so snowed it's almost like you have no mind of your own left. You have not mentioned one nice thing about him, one reason why he deserves any love from you. He has not stopped cheating on you. He's giving you every indication he's sleeping with hookers and you're making up stories in your head to push that thought away even though it's right in front of your eyes. So he got a little better at hiding it, not much, and you give him props for that. Why should he? He never had to pay any consequences for the way he treated you. He probably thinks you enjoy it, after all you keep asking for more. I'm sorry but I can't tell you that you will be OK because as long as your let people treat you that way you will most certainly not be OK. I beg you do not have children with this person, they will grow up to be extremely unhealthy individuals.

Edited May 16, 2010 by Ilovecake

[missylow]

Thank you guys.. I didn't send the email. I think he realises enough is enough as well. Haven't cried so much in my whole life. He just wants to sort out the finances and 'divvy up the spoils' as he put it.

 

I think I have extremely low self-esteem and that is why I stayed in this relationship. And I do take responsibility - one of my favourite quotes is from Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". I think I gave him that consent when I stayed after the first time. Then I feel as if I have just been broken down bit by tiny bit until I feel I can't leave the situation.

 

The worst thing of all is that I still desperately love him. I am on the verge of asking him to stay. He said that he never wants to see me again as he has tried to change for me and given up his friends for me, and tried so hard, yet I have given up. That kills me to think I will never see him again.

 

I know you'll all think I'm crazy - I'm just completely and blindly in love with the worst person I could be