raspy Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Cause he always hangs out with his best friend on friday/sat. I've only seen him once this week (monday) so I probably wont see him till sunday evening at the earliest or monday evening. When he asked me if this was okay I said "meh kinda used to it by now" which he replied with "hmmm". And tonight (friday) turns out he's best friend (a female) didn't invite him to do anything. So basically yesterday he couldn't anything with me cause he assumed he'd be doing something with her but didn't eventuate and he was "bored". He's talked to me before about their relationship and how they are basically each others only friends and he "can't make a decision without her" and how she gets really jealous when he has other people in his life. I've seen him 3 times in 2 weeks. I can't do this for much longer. Should I just tell him he needs to dedicate at least 1 day a weekend to me or else i'm gone? I'm a guy too btw to clear things up. We've been dating for about 10 weeks and friends for bout a year.
torranceshipman Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Sounds very suspect...weekends are the times when people generally have the time to spare to see their partner. I'd step back if I were you and say, to be honest I want to have a cool time with someone who I am dating, not having to have a romance-free weekend, every weekend - boring! He needs to step up a bit. And, btw, he can't make a decision without that girl? That is also a bit suspect...
brainygirl Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 If he wont see you unless he's got nothing else on offer, he isn't a boy friend. He sees you as a fwb or F---buddy. I actually was in this situation and noticed that this guy I was seeing and really liked only wanted to hang out at his place on evenings he couldn't go out because he had his son. When I confronted him about not being willing to make plans for weekends or other days off he admitted that he wasn't really interested in spending more time with me. So I dumped him. I suggest you dump this guy. For one he should be making at least a little time for you in his social calender. And for another he seems to still want to pursue this "friend" romantically. You should be in a relationship in which you are the one he wants.
GamerGirl Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Cause he always hangs out with his best friend on friday/sat. I've only seen him once this week (monday) so I probably wont see him till sunday evening at the earliest or monday evening. When he asked me if this was okay I said "meh kinda used to it by now" which he replied with "hmmm". And tonight (friday) turns out he's best friend (a female) didn't invite him to do anything. So basically yesterday he couldn't anything with me cause he assumed he'd be doing something with her but didn't eventuate and he was "bored". He's talked to me before about their relationship and how they are basically each others only friends and he "can't make a decision without her" and how she gets really jealous when he has other people in his life. I've seen him 3 times in 2 weeks. I can't do this for much longer. Should I just tell him he needs to dedicate at least 1 day a weekend to me or else i'm gone? I'm a guy too btw to clear things up. We've been dating for about 10 weeks and friends for bout a year. Sounds to me like you will always be #2 on his list, if not lower. If he's telling you he can't even make decisions without this friend, and she gets jealous of anyone else in his life, you will not be getting anywhere with him as long as she's around. You can either tell him to make you more of a priority, or dump him. I would expect some MASSIVE backlash from the friend if he makes you a priority though. Bottom line: sounds like this guy is a doormat when it comes to this friend of his. If he's a doormat with her, he's gonna be a wimp with you. Is that something you want to put up with?
Author raspy Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Ugh sunday evening and no hanging out. He sent me a text: him: good day honey b me: hmm naa pretty average him: hungover? me: naa him: oh well cool Over feeling depressed and worried about it.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Hey OP. My ex was similar. We were together for 2 years and towards the end of the relationship (well about 6 months) every weekend was with his boys. He said this was because he needed space and freedom but I NEVER got to see him. I only saw him in the week and on sundays when he was tired from work. It is a VERY bad sign because as other posters have mentioned, weekends are the times when most people see their partners. If they are never making time for you, they aren't prioritising you. I think there are 2 things you can do: 1) Talk to him about why this is bothering you and if he doesn't make steps to change - leave him. or 2) Start being busy all weekend and act unfazed when he says he's busy. He may start to panic because you aren't initiating meeting or waiting around for him.
magda Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I think in a relationship that you hope will turn into a partnership, you should be one of the first people, the regular person that they turn to with their life issues. A best friend. The day to day "guess what" kind of stuff, and pretty much up-to-date on all ther important things in eachothers lives. If you don't have that, what do you have?
Author raspy Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Both good points. When I see him next should i bring it up almost straight away; throw down the gauntlet or ease into it?
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Both good points. When I see him next should i bring it up almost straight away; throw down the gauntlet or ease into it? It sounds like you've brought it up before to no avail. Also he has seen you are unhappy and not changed. I would throw down the gauntlet.
Author raspy Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Update* We still don't see each other on friday nights/saturday/sat night. I asked him last friday if he wanted to do something but he said he'd "just made plans to go to the movies". Anyways, I saw him the other day and said I was going back to studying on campus this semester which is like monday, tues, and thurday. He said "but monday is when we hang out...we're never gonna see each other". I just said "i don't know.....what happens when you get a full time job I wouldn't see you during thre week anyway" He didn't really respond to that at all and we just moved on. So it's clear he is STILL not ready for us to hang out on weekends or with his best friend (who I haven't met after 4 months). I wish he would look up the word compromise because i just know it's me who is going to have to skip lectures to see him because I always give in.
SarahRose Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Update* We still don't see each other on friday nights/saturday/sat night. I asked him last friday if he wanted to do something but he said he'd "just made plans to go to the movies". Anyways, I saw him the other day and said I was going back to studying on campus this semester which is like monday, tues, and thurday. He said "but monday is when we hang out...we're never gonna see each other". I just said "i don't know.....what happens when you get a full time job I wouldn't see you during thre week anyway" He didn't really respond to that at all and we just moved on. So it's clear he is STILL not ready for us to hang out on weekends or with his best friend (who I haven't met after 4 months). I wish he would look up the word compromise because i just know it's me who is going to have to skip lectures to see him because I always give in. Why are you putting up with this?
Diezel Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Update* We still don't see each other on friday nights/saturday/sat night. I asked him last friday if he wanted to do something but he said he'd "just made plans to go to the movies". Anyways, I saw him the other day and said I was going back to studying on campus this semester which is like monday, tues, and thurday. He said "but monday is when we hang out...we're never gonna see each other". I just said "i don't know.....what happens when you get a full time job I wouldn't see you during thre week anyway" He didn't really respond to that at all and we just moved on. So it's clear he is STILL not ready for us to hang out on weekends or with his best friend (who I haven't met after 4 months). I wish he would look up the word compromise because i just know it's me who is going to have to skip lectures to see him because I always give in. It's been a month since this thread was started. At this point, this is YOUR fault now, not his anymore.
Author raspy Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 It's been a month since this thread was started. At this point, this is YOUR fault now, not his anymore. Excuse me?
Diezel Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 You're excused. For 4 weeks you let this situation continue. Hence, YOUR fault. You've yet to do anything about it. Hence, YOUR fault. If my girlfriend told me that she'd see me only on Mondays, I'd promptly tell her to go fly into a lake of burning coal. If my girlfriend told me that she'd see me only on Mondays and I did nothing about it for OVER A MONTH, I'd promptly go fly into a lake of burning coal myself. Don't whine to us if you aren't going to do anything about it. Obviously, a man who isn't willing to give you a single day of a weekend, is NOT your boyfriend.
Author raspy Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Like I said I have asked, and he's doing other things so I don't wanna keep pushing it and look desperate. And by what he said it looks like he ain't gonna change. The ball is in his court, basically i'm done chasing, and he is retarded if he wants to keep to a schedule/routine.
Krytie TV Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 So you're giving him permission to make your life miserable. If you do nothing, nothing will change. It really is your fault at this point. You could... break up?
Diezel Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 So you're giving him permission to make your life miserable. If you do nothing, nothing will change. It really is your fault at this point. You could... break up? EXACTLY. But NOOOOOOOOOO there's no way the blame can be on RASPY? Right. OP, if you are upset about the situation and nothing has changed in a month, dump the situation. Don't come back in a month complaining about the SAME thing.
2sunny Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Like I said I have asked, and he's doing other things so I don't wanna keep pushing it and look desperate. And by what he said it looks like he ain't gonna change. The ball is in his court, basically i'm done chasing, and he is retarded if he wants to keep to a schedule/routine. he hasn't made any effort. you put up with this. do not do that anymore. you aren't dating. he's spending time and energy looking for someone else besides you. it's over - in fact - it really never started anyway. face the facts - you do have evidence that he's not interested, you have chosen not to accept it. don't contact him any further. get busy living.
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Got to agree. We say this for YOUR benefit not the benefit of the relationship, which is severely out of kilter. What we have to say, which will make you happier (in a few weeks time once you let him go properly in your mind) is to say end it. You dump him the next monday night. He comes over, or w/e, you dump him. And say get out of my life, you are not worth my time and feelings anymore. Or else you are his lil bitch on a leash he can control to be attached to him at his own convenience - which as you point out is hardly ever and only makes you unhappy.
Author raspy Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Sent him a text saying: "Im basically done trying. You were happy with the way things were I clearly wasnt and you still wern't willing to compromise. We want different things and your happy seeing me once a week but that's not what im after. You can tell me you miss me but it becomes lip service after a while. Actions speak louder than words. Obviously you're not ready for any kind of relationship yet. The final straw was your inability to include me in ANY of your birthday plans. Kinda opened up my eye right up to how you see me as fwb. After 5 months it hasnt progressed at all and i just think im wasting my time when I could be putting my attention into someone who will give it back". 2 hours and no reply.
zengirl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Is this really something to work out through text-messaging? I'm not sure how old you are, so maybe that's an age thing (I'm 25), but: 1.) No, that schedule wouldn't be okay with me. When I date someone, I'm in it seriously -- we're definitely going to spend some weekend time together, or we shouldn't be in a relationship. Relationships should slowly become a higher and higher priority over time. 2.) I'd never try to discuss this via phone or text-message. If it was worth discussing at all. . . it'd be in person.
txsilkysmoothe Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 (edited) Is this really something to work out through text-messaging? 2.) I'd never try to discuss this via phone or text-message. If it was worth discussing at all. . . it'd be in person. Getting him "in person" is precisely the problem. He doesn't put a priority on seeing him (Raspy) in person. It's been four months. That is plenty of time. Edited July 18, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe
zengirl Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Getting him "in person" is precisely the problem. He doesn't put a priority on seeing him (Raspy) in person. It's been four months. That is plenty of time. Oh. . . I thought it was just weekends, like he was still around to break up with on a Tuesday or whatnot.
Author raspy Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 Argh I feel so bad now. I ended up dropping off a present on his door step while he was out with a card and a note saying call me. I don't know if he will.
northstar1 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Raspy, I know this is likely all very frustrating, but I think you need to do what is best for yourself here. That would be either backing off from him and stop asking about plans and live your life, or end things. He's not making you a priority in his life right now. And while that might be okay for the first month or two of dating while you both get used to seeing each other and slowly meshing each other into your schedule, it has been 5 months and still the same. You obviously want more, and rightly so. He is not willing to do that. So you have a choice, to either put up with it and be unhappy with only seeing him on a rare weekday, or you move on and find someone who wants to see you on weekends and work towards a relationship.
Recommended Posts