My wife's confession

[Delwyn]

Last night, my wife of almost 15 years confessed to cheating on me.

 

I was floored. My wife is my best friend, and I had trusted her completely and totally. We had just moved back to this area. She had recently gotten involved in an exercise club and she met some people there. She started hanging out with them and the "circle of friends" that they are in. She tried to get me involved in their activities too, but I work an odd schedule and couldn't attend them. Besides, I thought it was nice that she was getting out and making friends after just moving to the area again.

 

I first started suspecting something when some of her comments seemed suspicious. She never was fat, but she had lost ten pounds and is able to were much skimpier clothing. I commented on how hot she was looking and how she is better than any other girl out there. She told me not to put her on a pedestal. Other comments were made that made me think she had a secret.

 

The crux came when she mentioned going out with the girls and bringing one home for a threesome (never done before but briefly talked about) and then she said that maybe she would bring a guy home instead because she "wanted some spice in her life". I had never heard her say that before, so I confronted her with my suspicions that she cheated on me already and the told her the circumstantial evidence I noticed, and she confessed to getting drunk while out with the group and had sex once with one of the guys in the circle of friends.

 

Rage. Anger. Embarrassment. etc... I'm on an emotional roller-coaster right now. I suspect that she isn't telling me everything about the incident, and I suspect it is with one guy who she has already denied and said it is someone else. I also suspect that it was more than once. I'm guessing twice based on evidence. I'm really mad about this. We had just had a vasectomy reversal done in the hopes of having more kids and I think this happened while I was on bed rest and couldn't go out with the group.

 

I love her. I really do. I wanted us to grow old together, and she agrees but says that we aren't old right now(both mid 30's), so we shouldn't act it. She feels that she married too young (19) and never got to party and be young. I'm considering trying to maintain an open relationship with her. I even told her that I would consider the threesome with her and another guy. We are going to have a big talk about it later tonight. I don't want to lose her. We have 15 years together and four kids. I have always been faithful to her, even when I was in the Navy and saw other guys cheat on their wives left and right. I was a good boy, and now I feel that I've wasted that time and investment and maybe I should have had more fun.

 

Help! I will listen to any advice you can give.

[Cinnamon2000]

Last night, my wife of almost 15 years confessed to cheating on me.

 

I was floored. My wife is my best friend, and I had trusted her completely and totally. We had just moved back to this area. She had recently gotten involved in an exercise club and she met some people there. She started hanging out with them and the "circle of friends" that they are in. She tried to get me involved in their activities too, but I work an odd schedule and couldn't attend them. Besides, I thought it was nice that she was getting out and making friends after just moving to the area again.

 

I first started suspecting something when some of her comments seemed suspicious. She never was fat, but she had lost ten pounds and is able to were much skimpier clothing. I commented on how hot she was looking and how she is better than any other girl out there. She told me not to put her on a pedestal. Other comments were made that made me think she had a secret.

 

The crux came when she mentioned going out with the girls and bringing one home for a threesome (never done before but briefly talked about) and then she said that maybe she would bring a guy home instead because she "wanted some spice in her life". I had never heard her say that before, so I confronted her with my suspicions that she cheated on me already and the told her the circumstantial evidence I noticed, and she confessed to getting drunk while out with the group and had sex once with one of the guys in the circle of friends.

 

Rage. Anger. Embarrassment. etc... I'm on an emotional roller-coaster right now. I suspect that she isn't telling me everything about the incident, and I suspect it is with one guy who she has already denied and said it is someone else. I also suspect that it was more than once. I'm guessing twice based on evidence. I'm really mad about this. We had just had a vasectomy reversal done in the hopes of having more kids and I think this happened while I was on bed rest and couldn't go out with the group.

 

I love her. I really do. I wanted us to grow old together, and she agrees but says that we aren't old right now(both mid 30's), so we shouldn't act it. She feels that she married too young (19) and never got to party and be young. I'm considering trying to maintain an open relationship with her. I even told her that I would consider the threesome with her and another guy. We are going to have a big talk about it later tonight. I don't want to lose her. We have 15 years together and four kids. I have always been faithful to her, even when I was in the Navy and saw other guys cheat on their wives left and right. I was a good boy, and now I feel that I've wasted that time and investment and maybe I should have had more fun.

 

Help! I will listen to any advice you can give.

 

Is she still having ANY type of contact with that circle of friends? The answer better be no.

 

Don't be as low as her. Don't do the three some. Once you willingly bring in a third party into a marriage, it will ease her guilt of having the affair.

 

You need to get yourself tested for STDs and HIV and then decide whether or not you want to be married to her.

[Bryanp]

You are in major denial. Your wife has been screwing at least one other man and putting your health at risk for STD's. She now wants to bring another man to your home to screw her while you watch and or participate and you agreed to this? Are you out of your mind? Your wife wants to party and enjoy the single life. She is married to you with 4 children. My friend she is playing you for a fool. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

 

There seems to be no consequences for her to screw around on you. You are acting like a doormat. This will all end up horribly for you and your children. She continues to disrespect and humiliate you because you allow it. Accepting an open marriage in order to keep her is really pathetic. What you should do is seek an attorney for some options and let your wife know what the consequences of her actions will be. The bottom line is that she cheating on you, putting your health at risk for STD's and wants to bring a man over to have sex with him in front of you. How much more humiliation are you willing to endure? Clearly she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I feel very sorry for you and your children.

[jnj express]

You are letting her dictate the situation----don't go 3some, or open mge. If she is married then she needs to act married, and that is a 2some. That's what she took vows to do, for the rest of her life.

 

It doesn't sound like you would be happy in the situations she is proposing---do you really think you could watch her let another man "do" her, especially while you watched. That isn't much of a mge.

 

IMHO, you need to lay it out there, either she stops cheating, or tell her you will file for a D. At this point you need to get her out of her wanting to sow her wild oats inside every tom, dick, and harry, she knows.

 

If you want to R., then lay out the boundaries, and see where it goes. Remember you cannot control what she does, you can only control what you do. If she won't stop the cheating, you can't do anything about it, but YOU can file for a D. That might just wake her out of this fog that she is in.

 

Does she work, or is she a SAHM. If she is the latter, then she has way too much free time on her hands, and she is obviously using that time to become physical and cheat.

 

You have a lot invested in the mge., but she seems not to care and is willing to throw it away----but kinky sex with others, is not the way to go, unless you can handle that kind of situation.

 

Also I would cut off the finances, put all the money in an acct. in your name only, and cut off the credit cards----you need to control the marital assets so she doesn't start throwing money away on some scumbag loser guy, who is helping to wreck your mge, and ruin the lives of your kids.

 

Get tough play hardball----she needs to give up that gym, and that circle of friends----Be very hard about your attitude, or she will just continue to walk on you

[IronMaiden]

I totally agree! Hit her where it hurts. Do change accounts, cancel the joint cards. Let her see if she can fend for herself.

 

THIS I really, really don't understand - you have 4 kids already, now she wants ANOTHER ONE??? But she feels she missed out, and wants to party and have threesomes, and an open marriage?? Which is it? Playgirl or responsible mother and wife? Sounds completely mental.

[Delwyn]

Thank you all for the advice. She'll get home in about an hour and we've planned to have a long talk.

 

Some more background, she is a stay at home mom and we homeschool the kids. She spends all day giving them assignments and tracking them. Twice a week, in the morning the kids go to karate, and then at 6pm she goes to karate. The friends she met in karate are the ones she hangs out with. So she sees them twice a week and then on weekends they will go downtown at night or go to the beach during the day. Again, I'm often working weekends.

 

Thank you all for the advice on the STDs. If I can't trust her like I used to, then maybe she has been with more men, then again, maybe not, either way getting checked will put my mind at ease.

 

As far as being a doormat. I think you are right. Other I have talked to have cautioned me about that as well.

 

I think during my talk with her tonight I'll try to steer away from ultimatums, but I'll make sure she understands the fact that she is a 30-something with kids and a husband who was hanging out with 20-somethings with no responsibilities, and she put herself in the situation and was careless. She claims that the guy used a condom, but if she's going to let her loins do the talking, maybe next time she will skip the condom. She is being irresponsible and she is taking advantage of my demeanor. Without telling her an ultimatum, she needs to think about the value of our relationship and what she really wants short-term and long-term.

 

I haven't told her yet, but I've an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow afternoon so I can find out what is involved in a divorce if we eventually go that route. If we get divorced, I imagine that even with alimony and child support that she will not be able to afford Hawaii and will need to move back to the midwest with the kids. So much for her friends then.

 

I still love her, with all my heart, but I can't just let this go--the betrayal is too much. I will tell her that before we start talking about an open relationship we need to make sure that we still have a relationship to make open. I also secretly want her to feel more guilt. I really don't see it in her. I've been married to her 15 years and I know her emotions and moods and I've seen her more upset at little stuff than I've seen her upset at this. Maybe she's just putting on a face to keep herself in check but I get the feeling that she wouldn't mind ending our relationship so that she can explore her friendship with others more.

[Samantha0905]

Well, send them to school. Her life is her kids. Shouldn't she be about her children but also have a life of her own? Shouldn't she have friends? Maybe it got to the point of desperation. If you both decided to homeschool, fine. I think it's an unfulfilling life for a woman and unfair socially to the kids. Yes, I love my children with all my heart -- but there are schools out there for a reason. You're at work. You may feel like it doesn't mean much in your world, but it's a self-confidence builder a lot of times and socially, you meet other adults that aren't mommies just talking about kids.

 

I'm just trying to give you another perspective.

 

And you're talking about taking away her friends?

 

I'm considering trying to maintain an open relationship with her. I even told her that I would consider the threesome with her and another guy.

 

And you're talking about an open relationship and threesomes? WTH? Don't present yourself as a saint if you're open to threesomes. Not knocking threesomes if you're open to that , but let's be open all the way around. You're open to threesomes and you're surprised she's had an affair while staying home and schooling kids all day?

[Lovelybird]

If she is so wanting to go wild and explore, then I believe the responsibility talk won't work on her. Although you cannot control her, you can control yourself. Open marriage is really a bad idea for you. It will twist you and your kids, and you don't want to go there. I know you are going through some turmoil, but you cannot give up your integrity. WHO are you? WHAT kind of person are you? Why on earth you agree to have an open marriage? what is your vision and goal for your life? Before your wife's recommentation, did you ever want an open marriage too? compromising won't solve anything.

 

Consulting a lawyer sounds a good idea. She isn't going to change unless she sees some real consequences of her stupid behaviour. She is going to a dark road, you should consider to protect yourself and your kids, not go along with her. IMO, let her have her choices, freely (don't include you), IF the loving caring talking won't work on her.

 

Have you considered

Seperate first?

Marriage counselor?

 

Does she have lots of bitterness towards you? and why?

 

Did I read wrong or something, are you seeing a 20' something girl?

Edited May 12, 2010 by Lovelybird

[Lovelybird]

 

And you're talking about taking away her friends?

It seems she doesn't make good friends, those friends have bad influences on her

[Delwyn]

Homeschooling has been her idea all along and I've supported it and help teadh and I've seen the benefits in our children. The second oldest is autistic and I shudder at the thought of sending him to a public school. I've always supported her life outside of the kids. I've encouraged her to find friends. But as another poster said, she didn't find very good ones. Karate was her outlet for finding friends that don't talk about kids, but it led her astray.

 

I guess I've said that I'm willing to consider the open marriage because right now I feel like I want to be with her no matter what. I can't imagine my life without her. I'm still on a whacked out emotional roller-coaster here. I feel I could do an open marriage, but thinking of practicality, it wouldn't work.

 

Yes, I'm the good one...that doesn't mean I don't weigh my options and think outside the box, but my actions have been just and true in the past. As of 16 hours ago when she sent this bomb my way, I'm seeing life in a completely different light. I'm starting to try to imagine a life without her because I know that it is a possibility.

 

I don't think she has much bitterness towards me. Except that she blames me for being in a deep depression for the last half of last year. I let my body go a bit and only recently have been getting my act together. Thinking of it, it seems rather petty of her.

 

I'm still very confused and I've still got a pulse in the high 90's and high blood pressure from this. Usually I have a low blood pressure and a pulse of 50. I know that I'm just not thinking straight right now.

 

Thank you for all your comments.

[Samantha0905]

It seems she doesn't make good friends, those friends have bad influences on her

 

Hello?

 

I'm considering trying to maintain an open relationship with her. I even told her that I would consider the threesome with her and another guy.

 

Wut?

[Delwyn]

This happened less than 24 hours ago and we've been going through the motions today. When she gets home we will talk about counseling and possible separation. Maybe I'll re-up and go to Afghanistan for a year. Let her do her thing until I get home.

[Samantha0905]

This happened less than 24 hours ago and we've been going through the motions today. When she gets home we will talk about counseling and possible separation. Maybe I'll re-up and go to Afghanistan for a year. Let her do her thing until I get home.

 

Maybe y'all should just try the counseling first Delwyn. Hope things work out for the two of you. It takes a joint effort.

[JustJoe]

Delwyn, don't get caught up in worrying about what she did or didn't do. The only issues you have are the trust/betrayal ones, and they are biggies. You have to know if she is trustworthy or not, and if she will betray you again or not, and only you can make these calls. From her past track record do you want to take a chance on it? If I were you, I would prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. For now, forget about counseling, see your lawyer, start the divorce process, and tell her what you are doing. Her reaction will tell you a lot about what's going on in her mind. If she is remorseful and can prove that it will never happen again, then you can always seek counseling then, and try to rebuild. If she isn't, then maybe you are unsuited for each other. At least , by then you will know.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Last night, my wife of almost 15 years confessed to cheating on me.

 

 

 

I love her. I really do. I wanted us to grow old together, and she agrees but says that we aren't old right now(both mid 30's), so we shouldn't act it. She feels that she married too young (19) and never got to party and be young. I'm considering trying to maintain an open relationship with her. I even told her that I would consider the threesome with her and another guy. We are going to have a big talk about it later tonight. I don't want to lose her. We have 15 years together and four kids. I have always been faithful to her, even when I was in the Navy and saw other guys cheat on their wives left and right. I was a good boy, and now I feel that I've wasted that time and investment and maybe I should have had more fun.

Help! I will listen to any advice you can give.

 

 

...Dude have her served with divorce papers because a bitch like this will only understand swift and immediate force. Your a soldier right, so you can understand shock and awe, a 1-2 combo, a 2 piece and a biscuit.

 

Either it'll solidify her to divorce or shake her azz hard enough she'll realize your serious. Right now is not the time to be weak!

 

Do not open your marriage, do not placate her. Women do NOT respect weak men, if you dont stand your ground she will not respect you and thus not love you. She'll be pissed your standing your ground but in the long run she'll respect you for it. Show her you arent a push over. I'd be safe to say this isnt a ons. because aint no women that have one wants to end their marriages all of a sudden, she may have been planning to leave for a long time.

 

I'd say go to a lawyer, start divvying up everything, settle on custody have her served and kick the trick out! Marriage is for life, she wants to party she can get a damn job and support her damn self without your help. better yet let the man she screwed pay all her bills and finances how about that!!!

 

Oh and if your even thinking about the revenge thing, dude filing for divorce and then checking your options is the best thing you can do. No reason to make things worse than they are already.

 

I hope it works out for you but based on your statement, your beating a dead fish, act decisively and fast.

[dreamingoftigers]

She's a little blinded right now obviously. But if I were you, I would worry about YOU and the kids.

 

Do a complete 180 on her. Do not be her johnny-on-the-spot. Do not be the guy that always backs her up, do not be there for her for the next while so she can experience what it is to lose you and you can start building yourself up if you need to live life without her.

 

It does suck to get married too young and not have those experiences. I have found that there is always a regret. Either the person didn't have enough experiences or they had too many and they miss having them. Being an adult is making sacrifices, if you want a family, you commit and have a family, if you want to keep having meaningless random sex, you go do that, the two very often do not mesh together.

 

DO NOT allow her to walk on you. This woman has justified and taken permission to do something very very wrong. DO NOT act like everything is fine. It isn't.

[freestyle]

I'm going to strongly caution you against opening your marriage in this circumstance.

 

I don't intend to bash anyone who is in an open marriage, to each his/her own.........

 

But from what I've observed with friends, and what I've read, those scenarios are rarely successful. They only work if both parties wholeheartedly agree, and want to live that lifestyle.And even then, jealousies can surface, betrayals can happen, and leave devastation in their wake.Open relationships only work when there's a rock-solid foundation in the primary relationship.Right now, you don't have that, there's been a breach of trust.

 

In your case , as other posters have pointed out, you would be doing this to placate your wife........I think it would end up like pouring gasoline on a fire..

....likely to blow up in your face.

 

Your W committed a HUGE breach of trust by lying to you. That needs to be repaired, first and foremost. She needs to come 1000% clean with you, no trickle-truthing.She needs to acknowledge the pain she's caused you, and demonstrate genuine remorse. Otherwise you're likely to become more and more resentful, which will be compounded exponentially if you give in to her desire for a threesome, or an open marriage.

[Church Bells]

Delwyn,

 

You better read and RE-read Chrome Barracuda's post to you. Women don't want weak, whipped men ... and that is exactly how you are acting. REMEMBER, in a relationship, the one who cares the LEAST has all the power ... and you have ceded ALL power in this relationship to your W.

 

Now is the time for SWIFT and DECISIVE action. Consult with your attorney and find out exactly where you stand regarding custody, child support, maintenance, property settlement, etc. Make decisions based on information not emotion.

 

Personally, I'm a big fan of ultimatums for WW (Wayward Wives) ... they WORK. I would simply tell her ... "I Love You, but I will not SHARE you ... it's time for you to make a decision ... your FAMILY or your new lifestyle." ... and if she hesitates or waffles in the least, tell her to pack her bags and LEAVE. You have to SHOCK her back into reality ... or you're screwed.

 

Also, if she chooses to remain in the M, she needs to understand that things have changed:

 

1. There will be NC (No Contact) ever again ... FOR LIFE ... with any of the potential OM (Other Men).
   
2. Karate classes and going out partying with friends are OVER ... she is no longer trustworthy in these type of situations.
   
3. Complete Transparency ... all passwords will be given to you (cell, email, IM, etc.) and you have free reign to check into her activities at any time for any reason.
   

This is NO GAME, my friend, and only the swift, the decisive and the strong succeed ... the timid and the weak get walked all over and lose everything.

[Fight4Me]

Right now, you're in a traumatic state of shock. It is normal for a newly BS (betrayed spouse) to want so desperately to hold on to their spouse and to have everything go back to the way things were, that they even consider compromising their own values. DON'T DO IT! And whatever you do, don't make any major decisions (like going back in the military) until this is completely sorted out in your mind and heart, which can take a very very long time. Your kids need you right now, and given your wife's destructive path, you are going to need to be the one to protect them.

 

Hogwash on homeschooling being the cause of her cheating. I homeschooled, with no help, for several years, and I didn't go out and F people at the gym. There are healthy ways to combat change and loneliness, and then there are unhealthy ways (your wife). That doesn't mean she's lost to you, though. Be firm with the moral boundaries, and definitely go 180 to shake here out of this fog. Get into counseling, and maybe there will need to be some changes in schooling or home life, but for now, she can't see the gigantic cliff looming up ahead, nor can she see the path of destruction she has left in her wake.

 

Getting to a lawyer is good. Start there, and then go counseling.

 

Good luck. My fWH and I are in solid reconciliation, so there's plenty of hope... just hang in there. Force yourself to eat something and drink plenty of water, too.

Edited May 12, 2010 by Fight4Me

[RobD70]

Don’t blame yourself for what she did , it’s not your fault it’s all on her. That being said don’t go off on her telling her she’s a bad person and be all holier than thou. She already knows she did wrong even if she is trying to justify it.

 

Any attempt at this stage to try to save your relationship will fail. You cannot be nice to her or you will be seen as weak and she will lose the last bit of respect for you. You have to stop thinking with your feelings and go on autopilot with a plan. Be cold and direct with her and avoid being emotional as possible. Tell her it’s over and you are pursuing a divorce, period. It is now her job to save the marriage by convincing you not to do it by ACTIONS, not promises.

 

The ONLY way your marriage can be saved (which most of us I’m sure thinks that’s a very bad idea) would be for you to end it and her to do everything in her power to stop it. Whether you think you want her or not you still have to go full steam for a divorce. Think of it as tough love if you are having a hard time because of your attachment. These are not things you want to hear but if you follow everyone’s advice you will be much better off long term.

[Steadfast]

 

The ONLY way your marriage can be saved (which most of us I’m sure thinks that’s a very bad idea) would be for you to end it and her to do everything in her power to stop it. Whether you think you want her or not you still have to go full steam for a divorce. Think of it as tough love if you are having a hard time because of your attachment. These are not things you want to hear but if you follow everyone’s advice you will be much better off long term.

 

 

That statement took the steam out of my contribution, but it isn't important who said it, but that it was said.

 

I do want to add (following along with what some others have written) that because this is all so fresh -just hours old- you're going to have to give yourself some time to recover from the shock. Just know that what you're feeling is normal; if you felt or acted any other way there would be something wrong with you. The fact that you are suffering betrayal because you love your wife and family isn't something to be ashamed of.

 

The best advice I can give now is to be perfectly honest with your wife if she asks what you're doing, or feeling. Chances are, she's so wrapped up in her own little world that she'll avoid you; her guilt and fog will cause her to become even more distant. I know it's hard to accept, but try not to take it personally. It's on her right now. Still, don't be surprised to see a radical change in her if she senses you're pulling away. Even after all that's happened, you can be sure that she sees you as a security blanket...a safety net to fall into if everything blows up. If she senses that is changing, she'll panic. You have to be ready for that.

 

Until things calm down a little, do yourself a favor and distance yourself from your wife's actions. Focus on doing what's best for the kids right now and DO NOT talk to her about your relationship. She doesn't want to hear it anyway. Focus on eating and getting rest. Be as clear as possible.

 

That's enough for now. You have some distance ahead before this turns, but it will. If you do the right things now, that time will come sooner.

 

Pray, rest, eat and love yourself. You will make it.

[seibert253]

D.

 

Right now you are emotionally all over the place. I'll try to give you some enlightenment and guidance based upon my experience.

 

1. If you are not 100% into the "open marriage" thing, it will DESTROY your marriage. Do not accept this "just to keep her". If all you want is her, but she's not satisfied with only you, then it will NEVER work.

 

2. Unless she's 100% into staying married with you, and will to do whatever it takes to fix this, then anything you do will not be enough, and you are wasting your time.

 

3. If she's wants to stay married to you, YOU need to take charge, "Man Up", and dictate what needs to happen for YOU TO EVEN CONSIDER staying married. If she's doesn't want to be married, fine, let her go. It will hurt like hell for a time, but you will move on, heal, and do perfectly fine without her.

 

Tonight's talk should be a simple one on your end. Your first question should be, "do you want to stay married and committed to me and only me, or do you want to Divorce?" You probably will get the "I'm confused, I don't know what I want" schpeal. Don't fall for it. Be firm and tell her, "I am not going to wait around forever while you find yourself, you need to make a commitment, me, or your other lifestyle". If you wish to give her time, there's nothing wrong with that.

 

If she doesn't want to commit to your M, then don't argue, start the 180 right away. If you're not familiar with the 180, look it up here. The 180 is to start helping you to heal, it is not for her. Also, as hard as it is, you need to protect your interests and contact and attorney. Begin the D process. For WS's who are sitting on the fence, this seems to do well at knocking them off.

 

If she decides to commit to you and your marriage, there are terms that you should "request" she live up to. For example; total honesty from her about what occurred and with whom, NC with the OM, her contact with the other group where all this began, done, and total transparency on her part. But, make it clear, if she doesn't commit to your requests, you will consider that to mean she's not committed to you and your M. Plain and simple.

 

Most important is she need to realize that you are NOT going to tolerate her behavior. There WILL be consequences to what she did. The ultimate being the ending of your marriage.

Be crystal clear, if you want to stay married to her and attempt to repair this damage, TELL HER. But, in the next breath tell her if she's not 100% committed to you and this marriage, you will end this and D her.

 

Keep us updated.

 

Stand up and be strong

[Blindsidedagainalive]

but I can't just let this go--the betrayal is too much. I will tell her that before we start talking about an open relationship

 

This is a contradiction. You can't take betrayal, yet ..... if you discuss it.....you both can screw others. IT WON'T WORK!

 

Dude, I am with CHROMEBARACUDA on this one.

 

YOUR WIFE JUST ****ED A GYM BUDDY.

 

You need to show her you will not accept that. Hit her with the BIG GUNS.....16 inch cannons. LAWYER UP.....START MOVING TOWARD DIVORCE.

 

GET that bitch shaking in her boots.....and knock her cheating ass off the fence she is sitting on.

[Gman95670]

I guess I've said that I'm willing to consider the open marriage because right now I feel like I want to be with her no matter what. I can't imagine my life without her. I'm still on a whacked out emotional roller-coaster here. I feel I could do an open marriage, but thinking of practicality, it wouldn't work.

 

Yes, I'm the good one...that doesn't mean I don't weigh my options and think outside the box, but my actions have been just and true in the past. As of 16 hours ago when she sent this bomb my way, I'm seeing life in a completely different light. I'm starting to try to imagine a life without her because I know that it is a possibility.

 

By you even considering an open marriage, you're condoning her cheating. If you're having a hard time thinking of life without her, think of life with a woman who has sex with multiple men and eventually finds one she loves more than you. That may be where you are headed if you allow Pandora's Box to be opened.... pun intended.

 

Take immediate action. Tell her to come clean. Tell her if she doesn't or can't come clean with the full details, then there is no reason for the two of you to be married because she doesn't trust you enough to tell you the whole truth. Also let her know that if she has a desire to play around, then divorce you before things get worst. Better to end as friends than have her continue straying and cause you two to end up bitter towards one another.

 

Remember, just because she wants to try to recapture her lost youth by doing stupid things, doesn't mean you have to do the same. Act like the adults you both are.

[Delwyn]

We had the chat last night. She told me more. She actually isn't sure who it was. She thinks she was introduced to the guy at sometime during the night, and then when leaving, when her friends were basically all gone he swooped in and she liked the thrill of it and was drunk enough to do it. I'm paraphrasing here, so don't read too much into the way I write it. The one person in her group of friend who actually knows about this called her stupid for doing it. So, in short, she screwed a stranger, and yes...we are both going to get checked for STDs this week.

 

She feels that for the past six+ months that she's been going through the motions and doesn't feel like she loves me the same. "We've lost that spark," she said. But it isn't just emotional, she wants more out of the physical side too. I had to stop her there, because SHE hasn't taken the time to talk to me about any of this. She never made an effort to communicate directly. At home I would be physical with hugs and tender kisses and seductive moves, but she hasn't been. I told her that she is the one who hasn't been trying hard enough. She hasn't been trying to make the relationship work either on an emotional level or physical one.

 

I told her that while she is still young ad can act young, but she still needs to be a responsible adult who is married and has four kids. If there is a problem or something can be improved then she needs to communicate. I thought she had learned that from her previous counseling she had with a psychologist. We had even done a little couples counseling with that doc and practiced communication.

 

She finally broke down and showed remorse when I told her that I made an appointment with a lawyer about divorce. I think it hit home that her world and the kids' lives were about to be radically affected by her act. She started to think that she could afford to stay on island because she want to keep the good support we have for my autistic son, but I told her that it she couldn't afford to stay in Hawaii. I told her that I'd either send her and the kids home to live with her parents, or I send the kids to live with my parents on the mainland and she could do whatever she wanted to try to get by. I told her she could even go whore around downtown for all I care, but she be part of the kids' lives if she stays in Hawaii.

 

The only ultimatum I threw out there was that before any other type of relationship could even be discussed, we would need to work on our own relationship. I told her that I expect her to communicate and talk to me and that I wouldn't let her walk all over me. This is going to take some time to figure out what we really want, both for ourselves and each other, and I told her it might end up in divorce, especially if she does something even remotely like this again. She needs to accept that.

 

I no longer hold my wife on a pedestal. I guess it's a fault of human nature that we expect the people around us to have as much dedication as we have. Had my wife talked to me earlier about her feelings directly instead of veiled attempts, then this might have been avoided. This has cause me to see the whole world in a different way...my family was my rock, my anchor, and now I'm not so sure of that anchor anymore, so I'm preparing to drift at sea for a while. I also see little value in my 'stuff' anymore. I'm going to sell one of my collections and sell my stuff that I barely use anymore, and use that money to pay off some bills. I'm going to slim down my life, because this is teaching me that I can't rely on anything anymore. I can't assume that I'll still be with my wife next week, or five years from now. I can't assume that she'll continue to love me.

 

Thank you all for your comments. I don't have a lot of good friends out here yet that I can talk to and your advice has really helped me get control of my emotions, look at this practically, and start acting on it instead of doing nothing.

Edited May 12, 2010 by Delwyn