When is it ok to have an affair?

[bananalaffytaffy]

I don't believe the responsibility falls solely on the MM in this case. I believe we are all responsible for the harm that our actions cause. For example, if I buy clothing that is made in a sweat shop full of underpaid child labor, am I responsible? I am not attached directly to the sweat shop..yes I am responsible.

If I eat a rare endangered species at a restaurant, am I responsible although I am not the one who went fishing? Yes.

What I consume, be it clothing, food, or another man, affects others. I can't pretend I am somehow detached from the consequences of MY actions on the world.

But then, I'm rather Buddhist in this type of thinking. Others detach themselves from the harm they contribute to, but it doesn't make the facts of the matter disappear. To me, all is connected, and I certainly can't ignore the obvious connections I have to those things I affect, whether harmful of beneficial.

I'm a big believer in karma.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I can choose to buy clothes in another store, I can choose to eat in another restaurant, but I can not choose whom I love.

 

WHAT THAT'S BULL****!

 

you are IN control of your emotions and body at all times. you make the individual choices in your life. no one puts a gun to your head and forces you to do anything.

 

OWN IT!!!

 

...if you know the man is married, why CANT you say NO!

[jennie-jennie]

WHAT THAT'S BULL****!

 

you are IN control of your emotions and body at all times. you make the individual choices in your life. no one puts a gun to your head and forces you to do anything.

 

OWN IT!!!

...if you know the man is married, why CANT you say NO!

 

This brings up an interesting point. In the relationship I am in, I have no interest in saying no, no reason to. We are already deeply in love.

 

But if in the future I met a MM with whom I felt attraction, I would avoid him. Not because my morals have changed, but because I have learnt the hard way that there are some MM who stay married although they love another woman.

[jennie-jennie]

Respectfully, if we continue the argument that you can't choose who you love- if you fell in love with a 12 year old (just for the sake of argument), would you act on that love, since you are entitled to love who you wish and can't choose whom to love?

 

I see your point, but there are a lot of people who fall in love with others that they shouldn't, yet they choose not to act on that love. I don't know if that's boundaries or morals or what. I guess a person's morals form their boundaries?

 

Why do some choose to cross a line and others don't?

 

An adult man who voluntarily gives himself to me although he is married is of course entirely different than a child, which is easily seen by it being illegal to have a relationship with a child but not with a MM.

 

I cross the line when it comes to marriages because legal contracts have no bearing on emotions. You can not promise to love.

[DadofTwoGirls]

with ChromeB on this one..you can avoid a situation...nobody falls in love at first sight..you might be infactuated at first but it isn't love..and you know you can stop it anytime if you want to...the focal point being 'IF YOU WANT TO'

[califnan]

with ChromeB on this one..you can avoid a situation...nobody falls in love at first sight..you might be infactuated at first but it isn't love..and you know you can stop it anytime if you want to...the focal point being 'IF YOU WANT TO'

 

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There are stepping stones.. Contact, Communication, Friendship, Attraction, etc etc. We are given warning opportunities all along to not move forward to the next stage .. Each stage does not seal, just ensures opening for more hurt - in the relationship, that is not meant to be..

[bananalaffytaffy]

Ok- while I started the thread because I was interested in something Jennie said in an old thread, I did not intend for this thread to be a free for all. It's taken some interesting turns, but I hope we can get back on track.

1. When are morals relative over absolute?

2. When is it ok to have an affair?

 

If anyone else has thoughts, I'd be interested in reading them.

[jennie-jennie]

with ChromeB on this one..you can avoid a situation...nobody falls in love at first sight..you might be infactuated at first but it isn't love..and you know you can stop it anytime if you want to...the focal point being 'IF YOU WANT TO'

 

Ahh, but in my case it was rekindled love. I fell in love with MM when he was not married. The moment I saw his name again I was a goner.

[califnan]

Ok- while I started the thread because I was interested in something Jennie said in an old thread, I did not intend for this thread to be a free for all. It's taken some interesting turns, but I hope we can get back on track.

1. When are morals relative over absolute?

2. When is it ok to have an affair?

 

If anyone else has thoughts, I'd be interested in reading them.

 

----------------------

 

Banana, What difference does it make about "morals relative over absolute" What does that even mean ? ... No... Don't tell me ha ha

 

It is never ok to have an affair ... Sex is not to be outside of ((((((marriage)))))))

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with Reflectiontive input - in a thread.. It would seem that diff input can generate unexpected but Meaningful answers ....

[califnan]

edit last post.. I meant Reflective.

[Samantha0905]

Ok- while I started the thread because I was interested in something Jennie said in an old thread, I did not intend for this thread to be a free for all. It's taken some interesting turns, but I hope we can get back on track.

1. When are morals relative over absolute?

2. When is it ok to have an affair?

 

If anyone else has thoughts, I'd be interested in reading them.

 

I don't know if it's ever okay -- but if I had a husband who was physically or emotionally beating the Hell out of me the majority of the time -- I'd forgive myself pretty easily. And I know some people will say just leave, but I think someone suffering abuse would definitely be vulnerable and in need of a crutch to get out. An affair undermines trust and makes it difficult for the marriage relationship to continue. I think in abuse situations, it shouldn't continue anyway. If a spouse is okay with being abusive, I'm not really feeling too sorry for that person.

[xxoo]

Which once again proves the point that different individuals have different morals. I could of course end the affair, but what reason would I have to put someone else's well being before my own, other than if I considered it morally wrong to be in a relationship with a MM? Since I don't, I see no reason to be altruistic.

 

Because there are innocent children involved? I put children's needs (my children/other's children) before my own all the time. I don't consider it altruism. I call it love and kindness.

 

This brings up an interesting point. In the relationship I am in, I have no interest in saying no, no reason to. We are already deeply in love.

 

But if in the future I met a MM with whom I felt attraction, I would avoid him. Not because my morals have changed, but because I have learnt the hard way that there are some MM who stay married although they love another woman.

 

I don't get it. If you felt another man would leave his wife for you, you'd jump right in? Based on attraction alone? If you can avoid a married man (and you are admitting that you can), why not do that simply out of kindness to the wife and kids?

[seibert253]

Everyone has their own thoughts or feelings, but for me it's pretty simple:

 

Thou shall not commit adultry.

 

Enough said.

[jennie-jennie]

No sex before, out of, aside of : (((((((((((((((((((Marriage))))))))))))))))))...

 

This is a good example of moral relativism. Many people do not agree with you, califnan, about the virtue of not having sex before marriage or when being unmarried.

 

If you on the other hand believe all those people to be wrong and that there is only one way to look at this and all other moral issues, then you believe in moral absolutism.

[bananalaffytaffy]

I don't know if it's ever okay -- but if I had a husband who was physically or emotionally beating the Hell out of me the majority of the time -- I'd forgive myself pretty easily. And I know some people will say just leave, but I think someone suffering abuse would definitely be vulnerable and in need of a crutch to get out. An affair undermines trust and makes it difficult for the marriage relationship to continue. I think in abuse situations, it shouldn't continue anyway. If a spouse is okay with being abusive, I'm not really feeling too sorry for that person.

In this case, are you saying an exit affair might be justified if abuse was involved in the M? Like two wrongs make a right, so to speak?

[Samantha0905]

This is a good example of moral relativism. Many people do not agree with you, califnan, about the virtue of not having sex before marriage or when being unmarried.

 

If you on the other hand believe all those people to be wrong and that there is only one way to look at this and all other moral issues, then you believe in moral absolutism.

 

I'm a Christian and always thought no sex until marriage. Until I was 18. Then I wanted to have sex, but didn't -- until I got married. I honestly believe that was a huge mistake for me, although it may work out well for some people.

 

I wish there were a rule about not getting married until you're at least 30.

[jennie-jennie]

Because there are innocent children involved? I put children's needs (my children/other's children) before my own all the time. I don't consider it altruism. I call it love and kindness.

 

The children can be happy regardless of whatever woman a man loves. I see no contradiction between our love and his caring for his children and their needs.

I don't get it. If you felt another man would leave his wife for you, you'd jump right in? Based on attraction alone? If you can avoid a married man (and you are admitting that you can), why not do that simply out of kindness to the wife and kids?

 

Because I have as much a right to a man that loves me as does his wife.

[califnan]

I'm a Christian and always thought no sex until marriage. Until I was 18. Then I wanted to have sex, but didn't -- until I got married. I honestly believe that was a huge mistake for me, although it may work out well for some people.

 

I wish there were a rule about not getting married until you're at least 30.

 

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God is going to give you a renewed marriage.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Everyone has their own thoughts or feelings, but for me it's pretty simple:

 

Thou shall not commit adultry.

 

Enough said.

PERFECT!

This is what I wanted to talk about. Assuming that most people base their morals upon their faith...

Not committing adultery and not committing murder are both Commandments.

(I imagine there are other like teachings in non-Christian faiths.)

However, murder can be justified in certain circumstances.

To many adultery can not, but to some it can.

 

Is one Commandment more important than another? And if so, why?

[califnan]

 

The children can be happy regardless of whatever woman a man loves. I see no contradiction between our love and his caring for his children and their needs.

 

 

Because I have as much a right to a man that loves me as does his wife.

 

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No to both, Jennie.

[califnan]

PERFECT!

This is what I wanted to talk about. Assuming that most people base their morals upon their faith...

Not committing adultery and not committing murder are both Commandments.

(I imagine there are other like teachings in non-Christian faiths.)

However, murder can be justified in certain circumstances.

To many adultery can not, but to some it can.

 

Is one Commandment more important than another? And if so, why?

 

 

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All sin is the same.

[reboot]

It doesn't have anything to do with a Bible to me. I made a vow, to a woman I loved, and I won't break it. I made that vow to her, not to any God.

 

That's not meant to offend any of the religious people here.

[bananalaffytaffy]

It doesn't have anything to do with a Bible to me. I made a vow, to a woman I loved, and I won't break it. I made that vow to her, not to any God.

 

That's not meant to offend any of the religious people here.

Good point. I really didn't mean so much to get into religion. I simply meant that people typically derive their morals from their faith.

[xxoo]

The children can be happy regardless of whatever woman a man loves. I see no contradiction between our love and his caring for his children and their needs.

 

I might agree with you if it were not a hidden affair. The affair takes away from meeting their needs (more time away from home).

 

Because I have as much a right to a man that loves me as does his wife.

 

At the stage of attraction, love is not a factor. At that stage, why not walk away simply because he is married? There are millions of single men out there....

[Samantha0905]

---------------

 

God is going to give you a renewed marriage.

 

I hope so. I have to turn to Him more fully first, I think.

 

It doesn't have anything to do with a Bible to me. I made a vow, to a woman I loved, and I won't break it. I made that vow to her, not to any God.

 

That's not meant to offend any of the religious people here.

 

I'm not offended, but I'm sure glad God has been there for me in times of trouble. Of course, I have to turn to Him also. I never felt His presence more than in the room when my mother passed away. I felt such a sense of peace knowing she was with Him. And when my children were born -- that blessing was straight from God -- but they look like their mother as He allowed me to have input.