When is it ok to have an affair?

[bananalaffytaffy]

I was reading through some old posts, and came upon a post that said it wasn't wrong for her to have an affair. It was her right to love whom she pleased. When morals were brought up, she said that "morals are relative, not absolute."

 

I did not wish to threadjack, but have been wondering about this. After all, I think we can all agree that it's not right to commit murder, but perhaps it's okay in self defense. In that case, I can see where morals would be relative, not absolute. But I personally have a hard time extending this to infidelity.

 

Thoughts?

[Doing it Since '78]

Its never right, why sneak and lie and cheat? Sure you can love who you want by way at someone else's expense?

[reboot]

It would never be ok..... for me.

 

But I am not everyone.

[OWoman]

I was reading through some old posts, and came upon a post that said it wasn't wrong for her to have an affair. It was her right to love whom she pleased. When morals were brought up, she said that "morals are relative, not absolute."

 

I did not wish to threadjack, but have been wondering about this. After all, I think we can all agree that it's not right to commit murder, but perhaps it's okay in self defense. In that case, I can see where morals would be relative, not absolute. But I personally have a hard time extending this to infidelity.

 

Thoughts?

 

I guess you could extend the "self defence" metaphor to my H's A. His M was killing him. The A provided a means of escape from a life-threatening situation. (And, no, there were no other means of escape - it was only through the A that he saw the need, and then means, to escape.)

[reservoirdog1]

The essence of an affair is not just sex -- it's deception of one's partner. That deception is what makes an affair "not okay". People in a marriage or a relationship have certain expectations of each other. If one of them finds those expectations unreasonable, they have an obligation to bring it up with their partner. Sure that sucks and it's difficult, but to do otherwise is to take the coward's approach.

 

In terms of sex, one of the reasonable expectations is that having sex with one's partner is safe, because they're monogamous. Where the other partner is secretly having it off with somebody else, that foundation is shattered. The cheater is taking liberties with their partner's life and health that they have no right to take. Without full disclosure, it's not okay.

 

Having said all that... where a woman is physically abused by her husband or partner and starts an affair with somebody who doesn't do those things to her, it's still not "okay" but it's pretty understandable, and deserving of the equivalent of a "get out of jail free" card.

 

Just my $0.02.

[Maxxx]

It's never ok......... You CAN love anyone you want to but if you "Fall out of love" with someone don't run around behind their back.... Its called get a divorce and leave or if you are just partners leave.

 

And if someone uses the "well it's not that easy to get a divorce" Then maybe they should have thought about that when they got married. To put it buntly I'd have a had time not hurting someone and yes I mean with bodily harm if they cheated on me if we were married. It's BS to cheat on someone if your not in love anymore leave and run off with your new found love.

 

agg now I think I have gotten myself started LOL

[ladydesigner]

This is a really tough question. I have been both the BS and WS and while I agree with most that affairs are never good. I would think an A would tend to happen if:

 

1. The spouse could no longer have sex

2. The spouse has checked out of the marriage in regards to intimacy and emotionally

3. The spouse had an A

 

My A happened because our M had been falling apart for a couple of years, stress of raising kids and taking care of an ailing parent. My H had an A. I already felt neglected and then humiliated by his A. I started up an EA with a co-worker which led to a PA or as most would say a revenge A.

[ADF]

I can think of only one scenario where an affair might be justified. If a couple is facing a long period of seperation, they might decide to open up their relationship enough to allow themselves to get their needs met while their regular partner is asbent. That's about it. But given the fact that arrangement would be openly negotiated, agreed to by both parties, and limited in scope, I am not sure even it qualifies as an affair.

[carhill]

When is it ok to have an affair?

 

When all the parties whose lives are affected agree.

[Maxxx]

I guess you could extend the "self defence" metaphor to my H's A. His M was killing him. The A provided a means of escape from a life-threatening situation. (And, no, there were no other means of escape - it was only through the A that he saw the need, and then means, to escape.)

 

So... your telling me that divorce was not an option for him ? I don't believe that.. Or just leaving?

 

If I were married (will be as of July this summer) I would rather my wife leave me then run around behind my back and have an "A"

 

Even if divorce is not an option at least leave...

[You Go Girl]

I think it depends.

If people are married but not emotionally/sexually intimate, then perhaps it is ok by both parties.

If the definition of affair involves the word 'secret' then that's where we all get upset.

[OWoman]

So... your telling me that divorce was not an option for him ? I don't believe that.. Or just leaving?

 

If I were married (will be as of July this summer) I would rather my wife leave me then run around behind my back and have an "A"

 

Even if divorce is not an option at least leave...

 

He couldn't, at that stage. He didn't have the emotional resources. (It's fairly typical in "battered woman syndrome"). It was only through the A that he managed to muster up enough of that to go into counselling, and then, later, leave.

[reboot]

He couldn't, at that stage. He didn't have the emotional resources. (It's fairly typical in "battered woman syndrome"). It was only through the A that he managed to muster up enough of that to go into counselling, and then, later, leave.

 

Maybe he just needed to rummage around in her purse and find where she was keeping his cojones?

[xxoo]

It was only through the A that he managed to muster up enough of that to go into counselling, and then, later, leave.

 

Since that is the way it played out, it looks to be the "only" way.

 

But in reality, there are infinite ways it could have played out--unknown possibilities that would have led to him growing stronger and leaving.

 

Nevertheless, it is great that he got out. The question remains: do the ends justify the means?

[JamesM]

First, there are absolutes. Anyone who says there are not will agree on some. Does anyone think it is okay to torture or kill a baby?

 

Second, it is never okay to have an affair. However, in some cases, I can understand WHY someone had an affair. This does not justify the affair but simply gives an explanation why it happened.

[Feelin Frisky]

It becomes all right for her to have an affair when her bags are packed and she's ready to say syonara. An affair is a smoke screen for asking when does it become OK to betray a major love investment--to take a man's love for granted while indulging herself with some other schmuck.

 

It is not however an affair if a couple has an open relationship where it is out there an honest for both to indulge themselves sexually at will. It however becomes an affair when loves abates for an original party and a serious monogamy sets in for someone else.

[joey66]

Define affair.

[ADF]

Define affair.

 

Normally, I'd be rolling my eyes right now and thinking, "Oh God, here's someone else on LS who wants to endlessly split hairs over every little word." But in this case, I think it is a reasonable question.

 

It seems the only affairs that are justified are those that occur in circumstances that cause them not to really be affairs at all. The word "affair" implies something clandestine and unprincipled. People who have open marriages, or couples who agree to non-monogamy for whatever reason are really not having affairs.

[joey66]

Normally, I'd be rolling my eyes right now and thinking, "Oh God, here's someone else on LS who wants to endlessly split hairs over every little word." But in this case, I think it is a reasonable question.

 

It seems the only affairs that are justified are those that occur in circumstances that cause them not to really be affairs at all. The word "affair" implies something clandestine and unprincipled. People who have open marriages, or couples who agree to non-monogamy for whatever reason are really not having affairs.

 

I meant it as a serious question.

[Maxxx]

First, there are absolutes. Anyone who says there are not will agree on some. Does anyone think it is okay to torture or kill a baby?

 

Second, it is never okay to have an affair. However, in some cases, I can understand WHY someone had an affair. This does not justify the affair but simply gives an explanation why it happened.

I will agree

[JamesM]

Define affair.

 

Good article that may help everyone who is answering this thread.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html

 

The answer ends up being....

 

"Hmm... How about this: In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is however the offended spouse defines it. "

[bananalaffytaffy]

I meant it as a serious question.

Ok, let me put it this way... When is it ok to cheat on your spouse, or be involved with a person that is cheating on their spouse. I gather you know what I mean by "be involved"

 

The post I was referring to that started this thread said that she felt she was free to love whomever she chose to love. Why is it okay when that person is committed to another person?

[secretlady76]

"A romantic and emotionally intense sexual or emotional relationship that is between two people who are not married to one another" ????

[bananalaffytaffy]

Perhaps I titled the thread wrong. What really intrigued me was the statement that morals are "relative, not absolute". I was more interested in how that related to affairs and how she justified her affair.

[carhill]

"consumated (in the emotional or sexual sense) repeatedly over time"

 

I was more interested in how that related to affairs and how she justified her affair.

 

Justification is a whole separate can of worms. IME, acceptance is healthier than justification. Acceptance of responsibility.