Author LostIt2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 I do understand all of what you guys say. I don't know why I can't do it. I think being with him and knowing just him since I was just 14 has a lot to do with it. Its not easy at all, its like looking at my own arm and cutting it off. I'm trying to get to that point, and it had gotten better. He just kept texting and texting, and I broke. I have told him to leave me alone, I know I do respond back when he texts me, I was so good this past weekend keeping it short and curt, and I felt better. Hope and love do funny things to my brain It is a big process for me he is only love and man, even relationship I've known. I've never even been through a break-up and I do love him more than me most days which is kinda screwed up. Obviously I'm kinda screwed up. This was all such a shock and I look up 5 months has gone by, i feel like I actually started thinking semi-thinking what am i doing about a month ago and have only then began trying to let go. thank you guys for your advice. i know you would like to reach through the computer and slap me most times, but i am trying to make steps, to get myself stronger. i'm a smart girl, but at times i feel like that same 14 year old and she was a big mess. i'm pretty tore down and i get a foot under me and i allow myself to believe him, or believe in something at least, its a knock and i gave myself a day to cry but i didn't fall over... before i would have fallen over. your advice and encouraging words help more than you realize.
turnera Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Ask your friends or family to help you keep away from him.
Ann_Igma Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 thank you guys for your advice. i know you would like to reach through the computer and slap me most times, but i am trying to make steps, to get myself stronger. i'm a smart girl, but at times i feel like that same 14 year old and she was a big mess. i'm pretty tore down and i get a foot under me and i allow myself to believe him, or believe in something at least, its a knock and i gave myself a day to cry but i didn't fall over... before i would have fallen over. your advice and encouraging words help more than you realize. I haven't really posted any advice in your story because most of these posters have been around a lot longer than I and can offer you MUCH better advice. But I just wanted to say that I think if anyone here could reach through the computer, it wouldn't be to slap you, but to give you a hug. Of course everyone wants you to be strong and take action as quickly as you can, BUT most people here also understand how much confusion and pain you are going through right now. The fact that you are moving forward at all, no matter how fast or slow, is the most important thing of all. And I do think that the fact you've never even been through a breakup before has got to make it that much more challenging. So if you ask me, you're doing absolutely great for your circumstances. Just keep taking it day by day and doing what you can. If you take a step back, just try to take two more forward again. You'll get there!
turnera Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 How about this: Think back to when you were 15, 18. What inspired you? What were you so full of that you couldn't wait to grow up so you could experience it? Well, now's your chance. NOW you are free - to have the life you should have had, but you gave up to keep your relationship going. You can go anywhere, do anything, you want. What will it be? You only have one life.
kuma Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Lost, Your H knows you'll always be there for him. Believe his actions, not his words. Show him you're serious. His bad behavior isn't going to stop until you stop accepting it. You have suffered enough. Actions speak louder than words. I think he still loves you, but he loves himself more... (((Lost)))
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) He has always loved himself more... than anything really. I love everything more than me. When I was 15, 18, 25.... its always been him. My world always revolved around him, which is kind of sad I guess. I feel so lost. I do believe he loves me.... oddly because his behavior doesn't feel like love. Obviously he doesn't love me like I love him though. I believe he is the love of my life, the one person that I'll love just a little more than anyone else, BUT I can't make him love or be with me. I have the huge hole in my heart that I"m accepting will probably never be filled, but its gotta keep beating. Its so hard everyday is hard. He can't let go, I can't let go.... its horrible, sometimes I just wish he'd put me out of my misery. I feel like I'm going to walk around with this hurt and ache forever and its daunting. Edited May 21, 2010 by LostIt2010
turnera Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 He is NOT the love of your life. He is simply the man you have chosen to choose. If he were the love of your life, he would love you BACK. You only have one life. You deserve to be just as happy as everyone else. But until you believe that, nothing will change. Therapy, girl!
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I can't even begin to explain how bad I feel for you. And yet..with everything that has been going on in my life with my spouse.and his A...I sometimes wish I were you with in regards to your spouse just leaving. I myself have been with my other half since I was 16 years old..and we have been together for almost 14 yrs...and have an 11 yr old son together. I know exactly how you feel with being torn over your first and only love..and I wish I had advise or encouraging words to help with your pain. My only observation and question I would have for you would be...how do you really think things would be if he did in fact want to get back with you? How do you think you would deal with it? Because I am having the hardest time coping...and yet still living with him. I have tried weighing the pros and cons of living and trying to get past this for the sake of my son...my home...my LIFE! But I simply can't figure out if this is worth it anymore! He is trying...but I cant forgive! My heart is shattered and I just don't know what to do!
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 (edited) so I have not been contacting him, yet he is still me. we talked just a bit Friday, and he text me Saturday morning and we talked off and on all day. He said he some of the same stuff, he wanted me to come out to this campout/fesitval thing he was at with his dad and brothers and a few friends. This is the first social thing he has done in months, he said he wished i was there. I was with my sister and told him i couldn't. He said I was never around when he called out to me (yes i know how ridiculous that sounds) i told him that when he wasn't with someone else maybe i would be. he said he knows its just coincedence, but maybe someone is looking out for me. i told him i wasn't his convenience and i wasn't going to sit around and wait for the 3 texts a month when he wanted me, that i feel like i'm dying some days but that i wasn't going to just die up in the loft i'm staying at. that i'm trying to stay busy to deal. he said he read staying busy helps, but that you have to deal with the issue. i told him i hoped he had a good time. he said it was ok, but he said all of this never really goes away and he is scared it never will. i told him i was too. i told him it was really hard but to me he is with her now and i should have never let my heart think otherwise (referring to the last incident). he said he understood. i've stopped checking our phone records, it just makes me upset so i don't know how much he is texting her, i could usually tell from phone records if he saw her too. but i've stopped looking bc it doesn't matter and it just upsets me. we didn't talk yesterday at all. i had kinda hoped he contacted me. i missed him very much yesterday, so much i cried on the way home from my sisters. yesterday was extremely difficult, i'm having a kind of hard morning. its confusing, i'm not sure what he means sometimes. my heart just aches. when we talk like that, and he talks about wishing i was there and knowing we are both struggling, it pulls at my heart. i try and think of all the lies and all the hurt he has caused to shake the funk, but it doesn't always help. we have such a connection and i love him so much i don't know what to do. it is so hard to try and distance myself from him bc the more i try to the more my heart screams its been a month since we have seen each other. part of me is scared that he won't find his way back to me (especially if i'm not telling him how i feel about him, if i'm trying to be distant), part of me thinks maybe its meant to be this way... or whatever happens is meant to be. i don' know. i just know this is very painful and i miss him. i'm scared i'll have to deal with this screaming heart for the rest of my life. Edited May 24, 2010 by LostIt2010
Spark1111 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Lostit, here's a true story: A dear friend of mine starting to encounter incredible stressors in her married life and her husband grew depressed. He crashed into a single mother and well...rather than examine why he was so unhappy within himself, he blamed my friend and their life and started an affair. It lasted, on and off for two years. He would feel sad and guilty and reach out for his spouse, and because she is such a kind-hearted woman, she would take him back. Then, after a short while, he would leave again to be with his OW and she would be a puddle on the floor again. One day, after he had just left again, she woke up good and angry and disgusted with herself, and him, and the whole sorry scenario. She lost weight. Joined a gym. Joined a singles group and started going out dancing with guys who wanted to bring her home for "more." She didn't do that. But she did regain her confidence, her spine, her strength and proceeded to plan a future for HERSELF! Now, her WS again contacts her and she doesn't respond. Now, he begs to see her, and she says no, too busy. He wants to know what she is up to, and she says none of your business anymore. He wants to come home again, and she says absolutely not. You've put me through enough. Eventually.....he leaves his OW and moves into his own apartment. He now pursues my friend, but she cannot be too interested in any of his promises because he keeps breaking them! He ends all contact with his OW. Goes to therapy. Straightens himself out. She tentatively agrees to MC with him, but still refuses to promis a future with him. He has hurt her too much. Look, love is an action for a man......not conversation, broken promises, confusion, depression. If he loves you, he will prove it through his actions.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 (edited) thanks Spark. my sister and I went out, it is fun and i flirt some and dance with guys. i haven't felt anything really. i keep wondering if i ever will. sometimes i just wish it was him. i have a hard time when i'm left with my thoughts or alone i guess. i do try and keep busy. its really hard, and i am completely aware this could go on forever if i allow it. its so hard. i come here for support when i'm feeling a little weak, or wanting to text him bc sometimes my heart convences my head of things that i should know better. i guess its normal to struggle like this. the pull to him is hard to fight sometimes, especially when he says things like he wants to see me and we are both struggling, and in his heart he knows he will find his way back to me..... it makes it really hard. hope of what could be with us is what gets me the most, but i'm in the present and the present is he is still hanging on to her. i need to just keep telling myself actions, actions. i just don't know what to believe anymore. i'm going to go run today in my new puma's with my little heartbreak puppy as i call her. and i'm gonna go to the bookstore just to get out. i have to basically force myself not to lay in bed and stare at the walls, force myself to eat, and sometimes even to breathe this whole ordeal has really done a number on me. Edited May 24, 2010 by LostIt2010
turnera Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Have you blocked him from your phone and internet? Why not?
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 we don't have any internet anythings to block. and because I'm not at that point yet, I can't just cut him out of my life like that. i know you don't understand and think i should. but i have been with this man every day of my life since i was 14, i love him to pieces, i'm dealing and struggling, i can't just cut out that big a part of my life and never speak to him. i just can't, not yet, i dunno if i would ever be able to do that to him. i don't text him or call him, he does me. i'm trying and i'm slowing moving. i just can't go "NC" as you guys say on here. it would just be too much. so go ahead and rip me if you want, can't get much worse for me right now... but you are not me. i appreciate the advice and support. i'm doing the best i can. i can't just toss almost 15 years and a person i will always love in just a few months.
Snowflower Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 (edited) and because I'm not at that point yet, I can't just cut him out of my life like that. i know you don't understand and think i should. but i have been with this man every day of my life since i was 14, i love him to pieces, i'm dealing and struggling, i can't just cut out that big a part of my life and never speak to him. i just can't, not yet, i dunno if i would ever be able to do that to him. i don't text him or call him, he does me. i'm trying and i'm slowing moving. i just can't go "NC" as you guys say on here. it would just be too much. so go ahead and rip me if you want, can't get much worse for me right now... but you are not me. i appreciate the advice and support. i'm doing the best i can. i can't just toss almost 15 years and a person i will always love in just a few months. Look, I think many of here can completely relate to your pain...we've been in a similar place ourselves and it completely sucks. We get it. And it is easy for some posters here to tell you to just cut out all contact because they/we aren't living it. The best we can do is try to support you. It's good you are not contacting him but replying to his attempts to contact you, to draw you in, is prolonging your agony. Almost everyone can understand how hard it is to toss 15 years away. I remember that awful feeling too, when I went through it. You feel like your whole life is slipping away and you're trying to hold on to it for dear life. I've been there... No 'ripping' here and I don't think from anyone else who has replied. We are just trying to help you! Hang in there! Edited May 24, 2010 by Snowflower
turnera Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I'm in the same boat, so don't think I'm ragging on you. I'm just trying to be one of the people who ends up helping push you in the direction you know you need to go. I know from experience that, without those people, you will never make the move. Have you ever visted a Woman's Shelter? Maybe that would help you get some perspective on what your situation really is, compared to what we see here on the screen. They could help you clarify what you need to do; they deal with such things day in and day out. And when I said why not, I was honestly asking. Asking you to ask yourself. Why not? What would it take? Where do you have to be before you choose your SELF over another human being? What would it take for you to GET to that point? I'm asking you to ask yourself some serious, HARD questions, that will affect the next 50 years of your life.
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