So in love. So angry. So unfair.

[NeverGonnaSettle]

QUOTE - I think that many who attach themselves to someone who is - or acts unavailable - find things in their relationship, that make that person seem that they need to be rescued.. It is not uncommon, it is one of the things that make us reason: that of being a rescuer

 

Califnan – I concede the psychology you’re suggesting… the need to rescue someone else is a pathology unto itself. I’m certainly capable of it, too. What can I say… but perhaps the obvious. Maybe if she were merely an awesome person, and not someone who’s throwing signals I’m programmed to respond to – not saying I don’t have free will, folks! Only that we all have our emotional touchstones by nature/nurture which activate our sympathies/fears -- Maybe if there were not this overlay of her “need” constantly being played out / expressed in front of me… I wouldn’t have found myself desiring her so much, desiring to do an intervention.

 

The fact that she really is such a generous person, full of positive energy, in so many other areas of her life… she inspires a mini-crush from everyone she meets. It’s intoxicating to spend too much time around it. And I just happened to be the guy she admires most and got closest to because we have so many career things in common. -- Things which I’ve achieved, since I’m a bit older (8yrs) and I am in a position to gladly share with her, partner with her... because I think she could do the same things I do and more… but yes, I’ve overstepped myself because I see her in a relationship where she is clearly not appreciated. Half the things she and I have in common he doesn’t understand or share any interest in, including her career choice.

 

And he makes her cry. Often.

 

Halo_Slipped: QUOTE 2) The right thing by you, you mean. She HAS done the right thing. The right thing by her and her bf and she continues to stay with him

 

Silverplanets: QUOTE What's this about winning? I thought you loved her???? doesn't that mean wanting the best for her .. even if that means NOT being with you .... if you WIN then who is LOOSING???

 

The “right” thing is to avoid cheating at all costs. And if you fail, you make every effort to clean up your mess. In fact, (ironically???) she and I had a discussion about morality and “responsibility to others” RIGHT before everything became a hot mess. We were behaving platonically. And if only because he can be insanely jealous, I pointed out to her that having dinner with me frequently-but-platonically while he’s away would be contrary to his expectations of her. Rather than doing such a thing in secret, she needed to either change his expectation (confront his controlling nature) or change her behavior. She reluctantly agreed.

 

What I am suggesting here is that yes, I have/had an agenda, but I was still open to finding that she could be with someone, ANYONE who lets her be herself. 'Makes her happy and feel supported in the things she wants to do. By the way, saying he’s jealous and controlling sounds awfully high and mighty of me, for sure. The point is, I knew he would not like her to be spending private time with me. So, if she was taking advantage of the fact that he was not in town to keep her “accountable”, then the philosophy still holds: change her behavior in order to respect what she knows to be true about the dynamic of their relationship, or change his expectations by way of saying: “ I am this. I deserve that.”

 

I DO have a problem with people acting contrary to their conscience – when they know what they are doing is wrong. And so I said this to her, especially where the signals she gives me have been "come hither" for a long time. She conceded that too. Yeah, she's been very messy with me. But, should I demonize it? Assign a bad moral judgement? It's bad judgement. It's irresponsible... and I'm trying to decide right now what it means as a character flaw in the context of everything that is good about her.

 

"people acting contrary to their conscience"

Now go ahead. Throw it back at me… It’s not my responsibility to protect the bf from reaping what he’s sown – a relationship built on manipulation should come down. Why should *I* be the one? No other reason than I’ve fallen in love. Does that entitle me to something? No. In fact it’s fundamentally not rational but it is human so all we can do is try to minimize the damage we cause other people. And rather than be boorish and self-serving, I tried to be a good, moral intellectual. Albeit one passionately overwhelmed by his own needy desires.

 

I didn't stop these recent hook-ups at first because... I thought she was everything I ever wanted... and more than he's ever deserved. I feel I’ve tried to be very rational vs. a tremendous torrent of emotion, so let s/he without sin cast the first Philippic.

 

And as to your question of “should it be you… who wins/loses.”

 

No. Should she find someone better… should her life or her career be better without me… well, careerwise, so be it. I want her to have a great life.

 

Romantically… if she spontaneously came up with a 3rd party…?

Or if the bf suddenly transformed into a respectable dude… sure. I think I could actually be happy for her. Can’t say it wouldn’t sting for a while, but …

 

… right now, I constantly see her perched on the edge of a cliff… and the urge to catch her is devastatingly distracting. Too much about her that is too interesting. Too endearing. Too valuable.

 

And it’s _too bad_ I have no way of knowing – as so many have pointed out – if, in something other than a geological time scale, she will ever fall at all.

 

Thus, the only way to “win” my life/conscience/emotions back, and salvage whatever can be gained/salvaged out of this relationship with her … is to “move on.”

 

And the only way to do that I’m finding… is to fake I til I make it.

(ie. stop allowing excuses to dwell in thoughts of her… e.g. what I’m doing here, now… )

[Samantha0905]

I don't know what to think. This is the story of me, my husband and my affair partner except I have been married for 27 years and dated my husband six years before that.

 

I don't get this going on with her not being married. I mean her reasons for not being with you if she's in love with you. She can move on without worrying about oaths, children, etc. No offense to you, by the way. She seems to have issues in her relationship with her current boyfriend -- obviously. I'm not knocking her. And I know you care about her. She really needs to make a decision.

 

I think -- if you're interested -- you should walk away. MAKE her decide. Date. Move on until she is available to be with you and only you -- if that is what you want and she ends up being agreeable. In the meantime, if she loses you -- well, that was the chance she took.

[NeverGonnaSettle]

Samantha,

 

I'll bite. What do you mean this is "your story" with your husband.

 

You cheated with a KISA (Knight in Shining Armor), leading him on for an extended period... and never followed through?

 

That would seem to give you an insight into her head. Does it?

 

Another close friend I deeply respect looks at this differently from the cyber crowd as well.

 

She says:

"Yes, it's a real possibility, that if you ever pry this girl from boyfriend, she'll one day cheat on you...once a cheater always a cheater, and all that crap. Personally, I don't hold with that line of reasoning. Girls approach cheating differently than boys, and in her mind, she's probably already done with him, ergo she's not cheating. Splitting hairs, perhaps, but it's what allows girls who 'cheat' as young women to grow into faithful spouses later in life...see me for example."

 

The author above was pretty self-serving as a young woman, but she is utterly dedicated to her husband of many, many years because their bond is different. Not to say HE was a KISA to an earlier relationship of hers (he wasn't), but he does have the qualities of being one who is respectful, fair, supportive, expressive, moral, professionally and familially responsible for his chosen partner.

 

As do I. And I've spent a lot of time in the author's head; she's not going anywhere (yeah, yeah... nothing is *guaranteed* in life. Whatever.)

 

Anyway. I get it. I have to give up on my target for now.

-- And yes, I'll know when that's happened because I will have stopped saying "for now."

 

-- But I'm still interested in the parallels of your story, Samantha.

[califnan]

Nevergonnasettle,

 

If you have noticed, there are many LS members who have posted diff threads - that they have felt that the spouse of their MM or MW relationship, is unworthy. No matter how you feel of this girl's BF. .. she is the one who must make the move.

 

As I have said before: she knows that you are awaiting with safety and love.

 

(Somehow this relationship with her and the BF reminds me of the relationship between the characters in Casino - played by Sharon Stone and James Wood) .. Was it his fault? No .. It was her fault.

 

You have no choice, but to go ahead with your life.

[califnan]

Not much in the way of parallels in your story and Samantha's ..

 

"NISA" .. was just someone from the gym (Could have been anyone).... Shopping malls are full of them, sitting around.. ha ..

 

How could this young stud of convenience, compare with the husband of 27 years?

[fooled once]

Dear HnD,

 

I'm really not here to be baited.

I will answer the following, however:

Why did I fall in love with her?

I've gotten to know her over 2 years in a wide variety of activities and settings. We've been close friends much of that time sharing similar aspirations personally, professionally, artistically... therefore, No. It was not a "conquest" thing. At the point I began to recognize a) how poorly matched she and her boyfriend are (way different goals/temperaments), and b) how often he makes her cry out of his own self-serving manipulations -- which is why her friends hate him -- I began to suggest to her that she deserves better.

 

Yes. Deserves a guy like me.

Not to re-hash too much, but as a matter of my own explicit policy, becoming physical was verbotten without a clean break from the bf to precede it. And when it did spontaneously *happen*, because we all do unenviable things on occasion, I expected her to do the right thing when he arrived back in town -- be strong enough to end the relationship with him, as I am the "KISA..."

 

Email is a lousy window into the context of two peoples' lives and characters.

But yes, I wanted to rescue her. She wanted to be rescued.

 

So now I've learned something.

I hope.

 

But who are you to judge whether her BF is good enough/right enough for her? You are the guy who wants to get in her pants. Of course you are going to say the BF isn't good enough. But she CHOSE him and she STAYS with him ... no one is holding a gun to her head.

 

Sure, she has sex with you....but it isn't enough for her to want to leave her boyfriend.

 

So be her friend. But many will tell you that you can't go from lovers to friends, you can't undo the hands of time and step back and TRULY have that person's best interest.

 

She has no desire to be rescued ... and rescued from what? She is in her 30's, right? She is a grown up. It is up to HER to decide what relationships she wants and what ones she doesn't. She isn't 12, she doesn't need to be 'rescued'.

 

You just want to be more to her than you are...so you are going to demonize the boyfriend and make yourself the guy on the white horse...yet there is no damsel in distress.

 

And I don't know who you think is baiting you. YOU chose to post on an open forum...did you really think we would all say "hey, she should choose you because you are IT and the boyfriend isn't"?

 

Obviously, you are bigger in your mind than in her heart, because she hasn't chosen you ... and now, to stay in her life, you will remain the friend.

Edited May 12, 2010 by fooled once

[NeverGonnaSettle]

I don't blame you for not wanting to read/memorize every detail of a series of very long core dumps up to this point, but by "baiting" I am referring to:

 

>> the conquest of winning her away from her bf? Now that you are realizing you lost, it stings huh?

 

as well as:

 

>> You are the guy who wants to get in her pants.

 

I find these comments inflammatory and more than a little insulting.

 

We were sexual but did not have SEX, because SEX was not my motivation to assume my role as "rescuer." In fact, I expressly denied her this act as I wanted actual sex to be a reward for the assumption of a proper, exclusive relationship.

 

Regarding the demonization of an *******: As I've stated, I spent the previous 12+ months observing their relationship from a good vantage point to see the manipulation going on time, and time, and time again! So please. Stop projecting. This was not retro-active damnation of an inconvenient enemy...

 

I don't want to waste blogging space addressing accusations against my character. I am quite secure with the fact that I am overall a moral individual. Yes, I failed to be perfect in avoiding the enablement of someone else's cheating. That's what happened. With someone I cared about --despite my colorful "blue balls" comment earlier -- I allowed myself the unfortunate indulgence of a fantasy relationship/rescue where I assumed she would follow through with a long overdue, well-deserved, long-discussed break-up. In the course of this indulgence, I fell for someone who is herself capable of engendering the wrong kind of attention -- and mismanaging it.

Clearly.

 

Anyway, I would much rather engage productive musings on What to Do Next... if you don't mind.

[NeverGonnaSettle]

I am still considering writing to the best friend.

 

My goal, albeit potentially naive, is to inspire the best friend to help her get her head straightened out. Do I have an agenda? Of course. However, there is something inherently wrong with an otherwise sweet girl saying I love you to two guys simultaneously, possibly continuing to sleep with both, while one of them really does treat her like a 3rd class citizen and the other, like a queen... And when confronted, she cries into the phone that she is really confused, she needs more time, and doesn't want to hurt anybody.

 

Let' be real. That's f*cked up.

 

For those skeptics, I'm sorry you feel like I'm too proud or critical with regard to the value of the bf; I'm simply done justifying my attitude.

 

Thus. I would like to write her best friend the following...

 

-- And my question is:

 

if I am "moving on", meaning: withdrawal of romance, flirting, kissing, visitation, and most socialization except what is truly necessary at work...

 

***Is there anything constructive in sending the following?***

 

Is there a chance that it will get things moving?

 

Or is it more likely to undermine any future relationship (personal/professional/etc) between my love interest and me?

 

-------------------

Dear Best Friend XXXXX,

 

I am having a difficult time.

 

I am sorry to call your attention as I don’t rely on other people to save me from my own decisions. I just need a moment to share.

 

I love your best friend, and I want the world for her. Life, love, career… anything I can do, I want her to have it all.

 

So… as you know, she’s been staying over frequently.

We’ve become deeply involved, fantasizing often about our future together.

 

But I have to withdraw now. Despite the impacts it will have upon other parts of our relationship (friendship, career), I can’t continue as “the other man,” waiting for her to make a decision.

 

Please continue to protect her. If a man like XXXXX is what she needs out of this life, then I am a fool.

 

If not, and she is “stuck” … please support her to get the help she needs.

 

Best wishes,

 

Yours truly.

[califnan]

 

 

 

Thus. I would like to write her best friend the following...

 

-- And my question is:

 

if I am "moving on", meaning: withdrawal of romance, flirting, kissing, visitation, and most socialization except what is truly necessary at work...

 

***Is there anything constructive in sending the following?***

 

Is there a chance that it will get things moving?

 

Or is it more likely to undermine any future relationship (personal/professional/etc) between my love interest and me?

 

-------------------

Dear Best Friend XXXXX,

 

I am having a difficult time.

 

I am sorry to call your attention as I don’t rely on other people to save me from my own decisions. I just need a moment to share.

 

I love your best friend, and I want the world for her. Life, love, career… anything I can do, I want her to have it all.

 

Best wishes,

 

Yours truly.

 

-----------------------

 

If you Must write a letter - the paragraphs that I left above, are the only ones I could live with ..

[U2RockZz]

ya,her BF is manipulative s***, you are a knight in shining armor...why don't you tell her BF directly that she is sleeping with you...you are s*** scared that she not going to choose when s***hits the fan is that abt it...

 

 

you just slept with her once and you issued a ultimatum to not to have sex with her own BF...and you claim her BF is master manipulator.....don't you think whtever you have written abt her BF to make your self look in good shade....

 

she is a nutcase so you are ....call her BF tell him the truth, if he has any backbone unlike you ...he might dump her like she deserves...but it works for u i guess....

[hopesndreams]

Scrap the letter. It makes you look desperate and wussy. Take the bull by the horns, inform the bf. You will then know who she really wants to be with. Good chance the bf will be done with her right then and there or not long after and she will then turn around and say she chooses you.

 

I think you both deserve each other and sincerely wish you both the best when/if she chooses you and/or gets dumped.

 

Her bf deserves so much better.

[Quiet Storm]

So many men fall into the trap of an outgoing, personable woman. They think she will bring "shine and sparkle" to their lives. She comes across as upbeat and positive...but things aren't always what they seem.

 

Often this is a sign of a woman that craves attention and validation. And eventually, as their husbands soon realize, their need for attention and validation is an endless hole that constantly needs filling. Eventually, the attention of her partner grows stale, and she will get that attention from other sources.

 

This woman thrives on attention and validation. And she must still have feelings for her boyfriend, or she would not be crying over him.

 

You dangling sex out there like a carrot is just laughable. She is not a guy. Sex is not the pot of gold at the end of rainbow! She doesn't need sex from you...just attention. And she is getting that by the bucketful. If you cut her off from the attention, she will amp up the enticement to keep it coming. Men often give attention to get sex (words of kindness and love) ....women use sex to get attention. Sex is not a driving force for women (as it is for men)...so holding it out there as a reward is fruitless. She is getting her needs met already (attention,validation).

 

She is not the woman you think she is. I see an insecure woman, who probably felt neglected or ignored by her father, and now has a bottomless pit need for attention. She learned in childhood to act upbeat and friendly to get that attention. You are filling that need for her right now...but if you "win" her, your attention will not hold the value it once did. She will need attention from new people....and you will be the boyfriend wondering why your upbeat and positive woman is so unhappy with you. And you will probably push her for answers and she will cry to all her friends what a horrible boyfriend you are (for validation) and seek out other men to save her (for attention). And they will feel sorry for her (like you) and think she is some helpless, trapped woman that needs to be saved by her mean, evil boyfriend. And the cycle will continue because she has issues.

 

A woman like this is no prize.

 

You are infatuated and the love chemicals are causing you to lose you logic. If you succeed, you will be doing her boyfriend a favor, and setting yourself up for heartbreak.

 

And don't send that letter to her friend. She is not a helpless child that needs to be "inspired". She has issues, and you just happened to get sucked into her vacuum of neediness.

[califnan]

So many men fall into the trap of an outgoing, personable woman. They think she will bring "shine and sparkle" to their lives. She comes across as upbeat and positive...but things aren't always what they seem.

 

Often this is a sign of a woman that craves attention and validation. And eventually, as their husbands soon realize, their need for attention and validation is an endless hole that constantly needs filling. Eventually, the attention of her partner grows stale, and she will get that attention from other sources.

 

This woman thrives on attention and validation. And she must still have feelings for her boyfriend, or she would not be crying over him.

 

You dangling sex out there like a carrot is just laughable. She is not a guy. Sex is not the pot of gold at the end of rainbow! She doesn't need sex from you...just attention. And she is getting that by the bucketful. If you cut her off from the attention, she will amp up the enticement to keep it coming. Men often give attention to get sex (words of kindness and love) ....women use sex to get attention. Sex is not a driving force for women (as it is for men)...so holding it out there as a reward is fruitless. She is getting her needs met already (attention,validation).

 

She is not the woman you think she is. I see an insecure woman, who probably felt neglected or ignored by her father, and now has a bottomless pit need for attention. She learned in childhood to act upbeat and friendly to get that attention. You are filling that need for her right now...but if you "win" her, your attention will not hold the value it once did. She will need attention from new people....and you will be the boyfriend wondering why your upbeat and positive woman is so unhappy with you. And you will probably push her for answers and she will cry to all her friends what a horrible boyfriend you are (for validation) and seek out other men to save her (for attention). And they will feel sorry for her (like you) and think she is some helpless, trapped woman that needs to be saved by her mean, evil boyfriend. And the cycle will continue because she has issues.

 

A woman like this is no prize.

 

You are infatuated and the love chemicals are causing you to lose you logic. If you succeed, you will be doing her boyfriend a favor, and setting yourself up for heartbreak.

 

And don't send that letter to her friend. She is not a helpless child that needs to be "inspired". She has issues, and you just happened to get sucked into her vacuum of neediness.

 

----------------------

 

NeverGonnaSettle: I like this above statement, as a good guide for you.

[stillafool]

Whatever you do, don't send that letter. Leave the best friend out of it.

[NeverGonnaSettle]

Dear Califnan: Thank you for your persistence. I appreciate your support, though I have not addressed you directly, so far. I am listening.

 

Dear QuietStorm: Wow. Okay. I get it. You make some excellent points, and seem to corral the pathology/potential quite well.

 

In this context... I have a decision to make.

 

Tonight she's calling.

And texting.

 

She says:

She broke it off, closed the door, made her decision, wants to talk.

 

-- Lots of unanswered missives from her this afternoon.

 

Now, the plan is not to "teach her a lesson" though I find it remarkable that in her latest txt message tonight, she wants me to "let me know you're safe, even if you don't want to talk." Wow. That was EXACTLY my headspace 10 days ago when she needed her "space" for several days w/o contact. At that point, I didn't do the same dance, however her best friend told me to "be patient."

 

Anyway.

 

With due respect to those who have given good arguments for "she's toxic, immature, a bottomless pit, chronically ABCXYZ, etc. etc."

 

I am about to go on vacation for a week. I am mentally well-prepared (I think!) to NOT communicate with her during that time.

 

I want to spend some time thinking about exactly WHAT demands (huh? demands? what are you talking about)... okay... what "Parameters" might be put in place to allow a more reasoned courtship, if one is remotely possible. Remember, there are a LOT of great things about her. Someone. Some day. When she grows up!!! Is going to be a lucky man.

 

Nonetheless, I know there are a dozen reasons why I should not decide to get re-involved at this time.

 

The question is: to consider her as a _healthy_ partner, at any point, ever again, somewhere down the road, what is it that needs to occur?

 

In the short term, she absolutely needs some alone time to work on herself and figure out why she has such need for attention and/or *******s.

 

But how long?

 

Or more specifically:

At what point, after what mile markers might I even consider going on a quote/unquote date with her, assuming [fill in the blank] has occurred?

 

Therapy?

 

Yeah, it sounds ridiculous that I could impose a sentence/request of "therapy"... but then she might. Really. We were close friends. And if she really wants to be with me... even if therapy cures her of her interest/need for me... It seems ... not entirely out-of-the-realm-of-reality.

[califnan]

So talk to her. You said you were friends.. Maybe you should just stay friends, until you know she is staying away from him .. I don't think it is your place to suggest "counseling" to her as a prerequisite of a relationship with you ..

 

When someone has been as hooked - as she has with him - I don't think it is healty for her to wish for an either/or.. She must be alone for awhile.. (I keep thinking of the relationship between characters of Sharon Stone and James Woods in Casino).

 

Have a nice talk with her. Take your trip. Let time take care of some things..

[NeverGonnaSettle]

Again, Thanks CalifNan.

 

This is what I wound up writing:

 

Dear XXXXXX,

 

I received your phone calls and messages tonight.

 

*Something* has changed, you’re ready to share.

But I am not ready to talk.

 

I will be gone to XXXXXX as of Friday.

I care about you. I respect you.

 

I need time away. Perhaps you do, too.

 

Russell

Edited May 13, 2010 by NeverGonnaSettle
Don't want to identify too much about my world. That's all.

[califnan]

Again, Thanks CalifNan.

 

This is what I wound up writing:

 

Dear XXXXXX,

 

I received your phone calls and messages tonight.

 

*Something* has changed, you’re ready to share.

But I am not ready to talk.

 

I will be gone to XXXXXX as of Friday.

I care about you. I respect you.

 

I need time away. Perhaps you do, too.

 

Russell

 

----------------

 

Sounds good.

[stillafool]

Some day. When she grows up!!! Is going to be a lucky man.

 

She is already a full grown woman.

 

 

At what point, after what mile markers might I even consider going on a quote/unquote date with her, assuming [fill in the blank] has occurred?

 

When she has broken up with her bf or moved out and you are sure of this.

[2sure]

This woman is very very comfortable and has even shown a commitment to having both. She is a cheater. Her actions are nothing but selfish. You are attempting to justify her actions using her emotions for her partner...but no. She is just selfish.

 

You can say to yourself and she can say to herself that her partner is all kinds of crazy/abusive/manipulative etc...but he doesn't know he is being betrayed in every way...and he is the bad guy ??

 

She is a cheater. Its possible she will leave him and commit to you. But until there are negative tangible consequences to this type of cheating, they dont change. Do you want yourself and your future relationship with her to be the one in which this lesson is learned?

[NeverGonnaSettle]

Hey, you know what, folks?

 

I give up.

 

I'm saying it out loud.

Here. Now.

I'm a god damned idiot.

 

I wrote this last night after receiving several "desperate" phone calls and texts with words that included: "broke it off, made my decision, closed the door" :

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

I received your phone calls and messages tonight.

 

*Something* has changed, you’re ready to share.

But I am not ready to talk.

 

I will be gone to XXXXX as of Friday.

I care about you. I respect you.

 

I need time away. Perhaps you do, too.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

She wrote me the following today:

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

That is fine. Enjoy your trip. I hope you you have a fantastic time with your friends.

 

I'm sorry for being distant but I had time to think and make some decisions. Honestly, what we've discussed recently is settling into my heart and while I do acknowledge that I'm frazzled right now and that I'm probably not the emotionally healthiest to be around I still would like to touch base with you. I care about and feel myself falling for you but I will be fair and give you all the time and space you need.

 

You're right to think that this situation seems really screwed up and unfair because it has been. I have been indecisive and you have been both a rock and a guiding light all the while waiting for me to take control and be a fellow 'rock'. You are part of my motivation to move on but you are not my only motivation- you have been a good friend through this storm and I understand all the heartbreak you've experienced.

 

You're a different man than the person I've been with for the past few years and PLEASE pardon the baggage that's influencing this question but I feel like a game could possibly begin- the "I pull back you approach, I approach and you pull back" game. Will you please let me know, honestly, that this activity will be limited. I've held [best friend's] hand through years of this game (that she actually tends to play) and it's heartbreaking.

 

Regardless, you are entitled to as much time as you need. I will not pull back here. If you need to take a couple virtual shots, as long as they do not burn too much, I see myself being able to withstand the tornado.

 

I care so much about you, see you when you return and I graduate, etc.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

THEN her (ex)bf writes the following on her Facebook page:

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hello luv, saw this article and made me think of our discussion this morning see you in a bit!

[hopesndreams]

I wonder what the article was about.

 

I feel like a game could possibly begin- the "I pull back you approach, I approach and you pull back" game. Will you please let me know, honestly, that this activity will be limited. I've held [best friend's] hand through years of this game (that she actually tends to play) and it's heartbreaking.

 

I still would like to touch base with you.

 

She's been the one stringing you along. That's her game and by what she wrote, it will continue to be.

[Dexter Morgan]

Because her “current” guy constantly puts her on the defensive and has taught her that relationships involve a lot of emotional manipulation and chaos, I’ve truly avoided big blow-out arguments with her because it’s not a circuit I’ve wanted to activate.

 

uh, what is there to have a blow-out argument with her about? She isn't your girlfriend.

 

would the blow-out argument by any chance have to do with the fact she is a cheater?

 

 

Til a few days ago.

She’s not taking responsibility for my feelings – which may be an unfair demand perhaps, and I know she’s already “overwhelmed” by the current mission, but without cursing her out, the last time I spoke to her I essentially told her to grow the f### up already

 

hmmmm, seems you may be a little controlling yourself. here she is not even your girlfriend, just someone that is cheating on her boyfriend with you...and you are bitching her out?

 

her cheating on her bf should be a red flag to you, and you being angry with her when there is no committment with you should be a red flag to her.

 

 

I don’t know what is the appropriate behavior on my part anymore. Being “in love” with someone at the same time I feel I’m being taken advantage of, pushes all the wrong primordial buttons for me.

 

regardless of your perception of the state of her relationship with her boyfriend, you really have no right to complain here.

 

if you think you do, then why don't you have a discussion with her boyfriend and tell him you have been shagging his girlfriend behind his back. That would surely set things in motion no?

 

it would also indicate her state of mind where you are concerned. She would either be pissed at you, or relieved.

 

what have you got to lose? if she gets pissed at you, then she didn't give a crap about you in the first place

 

either way, she is a cheater......some catch.

 

 

Truly, it causes me so much anger and anxiety, I don’t know how to constructively channel that energy into something other than *intense* resentment of her.

 

If you think this situation causes you anxiety, what do you think will happen if you two do hook up and she ends up getting bored with you and does to you what she is doing to her current bf?

 

 

I feel like if she were mature and responsible here

 

if that were true, she wouldn't be cheating, and you wouldn't be an accomplice to it.

 

 

all she has do – painful as it is – is to say four words to him: “I’m cheating on you.”

 

why dont you tell him for her?

 

 

I’m sure he’ll take care of the rest of the conversation. In fact, from that point of view, b) that may be all I’m waiting for.

 

ah, so you want her to stick her neck out for you and you get to just let it happen. grow a pair and tell him yourself, and to his face. be a man.

 

 

 

Or can it? The fact is, the waiting makes it seem like forever. And considering the energy that this builds in me, I have tremendous difficulty simply sitting still. And waiting. Am I not following my own suggestion? That is, should I be forcing myself into better disciplined behavior, acting like a grown adult, and allowing for some discomfort for a while? Nonetheless, sitting here with no control, I almost start to hate her.

 

so much for her being "the one"

[Cracker Jack]

This situation is always the worse possible one to be in.

 

I was in a very similiar one, and at the end of the day, she married the guy who she constantly referred to as her "ex" everytime we were together. I put her on such a pedestal, yet I was played for a fool in the end. You were just the alternate option, unfortunately.

 

Giving up isn't a bad thing here. It'll save you even more heartache, honestly.