Always with the Disappearing Act

[steadyready]

Hi everyone. I'm new to this board and I'm kind of leaning one way already about what's going on but I wanted to get some closure on this situation. I want to know why and where I went wrong.

 

I've been in a relationship with a guy for about 6 months. We're long time friends and are currently long distance. We see each other maybe every two months or so. Lately he's been very spotty with communication. He's always been bad with the phone and online because of his lifestyle and schedule he keeps, so I usually don't think anything of it but lately he'll come on strong one day or a few days in a row, telling me how he's missing me, how he wishes I was there, how he really wants to see me then he'll fall off the face of the earth. No replies to anything, nothing initiated on his part. We've spoken about this matter before as you can imagine it worries me tremendously when this happens. The reason/logic always comes down to this...At first he'll go on and on about how he feels the relationship isn't working out or he's not ready or he can't do it. So I listen patiently and suggest that we maybe part ways then. To which he hesitates, demands more time to think about it and then eventually comes around and tells me he's sorry, he misses me, he's crazy about me and that really all he feels is that he doesn't deserve me and really doesn't understand why I'm still with him but he's so lucky to have me around and all he really needs is the reassurance from me. This is almost always the case. His disappearing acts can range anywhere from 5 days to a week to two weeks being his longest.

 

Some background about this guy, the more and more we date, the more I find out his skeletons. I know he has a lot on his plate right now. He's in between jobs, he's not really going anywhere with his life at the moment, he has no support group (no good friends/family) around him, he seems to have some drive but for some reason, makes excuses to not follow through with things. I've only ever been comforting and supportive. At first I felt like, okay, this is how he is, I have to accept him for his flaws and make the best of it. I am always encouraging and very patient. Especially during his disappearing acts, thinking he just needs time to think but this is happening way too much and right now he's been MIA for a week and a half. Prior to his disappearance, we spoke a ton, him initiating all of it and there was no sign of anything being wrong.

 

This is going on every week or two now. It never used to happen this frequently but it's gotten worse and worse. I can't imagine what I did wrong or what happened?

[D-Lish]

This is going on every week or two now. It never used to happen this frequently but it's gotten worse and worse. I can't imagine what I did wrong or what happened?

 

The only thing you are doing wrong is accepting the behaviour.

He's going to keep coming back and disappearing until you say "I am not cool with that treatment- good-bye".

 

You can't change him, but you can control what happens on your end.

He's learned that he can come and go as he pleases with little resistance.

Everytime he pulls the disappearing act, he only has to turn on the charm in order to get you to give in. Trust me, everytime you give in he loses respect for you and the relationship.

 

The only way you can change it is to walk away. If he truly wants to invest in the relationship, he'll have to make the changes and follow through.

 

Right now, he pulls away, you suggest a break, he comes on strong, and you give him another chance. You need to just say no, mean it- then show him you mean it.

 

Walk away, and stay away. Stay away long enough that he knows you mean it, and that disappearing act he pulls is no longer an option for him if he wants to be with you. If he doesn't make some big changes- don't welcome him back.

[steadyready]

Thanks for replying.

 

Right now I'm feeling like this is it and I will never hear from him again but at the same time, I'm feeling like if it's anything like how his pattern has been, I will be hearing from him in the near future?

 

If he didn't want to do this, why bother going through all the trouble of staying on the phone for long hours or telling me those things? I gave him an opportunity out. I gave him an ultimatum, which I know usually never to do...I just don't understand.

[steadyready]

I want to note also that during this MIA period, it's not only me that can't get a hold of him, a lot of his friends don't see him as well. He tells me he just ends up being self destructive with a lot of drinking, moping or sleeping during this time.

[Kentucky Jelly]

You do not want to be with this guy. Leave now. Finish it, end it, be done with it.

 

Why has he treated you this way? Who knows, who cares, chalk it up to him being a flake. You will never know because you are going to make sure to cut ties with him as soon as you can. PLEASE, I am begging you PLEASE end it with this man AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. He is absolutely no good for you and no good can come from you being with him.

[steadyready]

Yes.

 

Since I cannot reach him at all - not even voicemail because his inbox has been left full for weeks. No email, no im, nothing. I've passed a message to his friend to tell him to do me the respect to contact me but that I've considered it over because I cannot deal with someone's constant disappearing act. It's hurtful, worrying and a waste of time and energy.