ADF Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 The kiss, in and of itself, is not the real problem here. The problem is you clearly saw yourself in a situation where you were being pressured to betray your BF and did nothing to leave it. On the contrary, you went ahead and kissed this other guy, and only then acted to get away. Frankly, if you're that easy to seduce, maybe your BF should know what he's getting into. Maybe next time, you'll do more than kiss. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 Maybe next time, you'll do more than kiss. maybe, maybe not Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpandAway Posted May 2, 2010 Author Share Posted May 2, 2010 The kiss, in and of itself, is not the real problem here. The problem is you clearly saw yourself in a situation where you were being pressured to betray your BF and did nothing to leave it. On the contrary, you went ahead and kissed this other guy, and only then acted to get away. Frankly, if you're that easy to seduce, maybe your BF should know what he's getting into. Maybe next time, you'll do more than kiss. I seriously doubt if my boyfriend stays with me that I'll ever let myself get into that situation again, let alone do more than kiss. No drinking, no parties, no contact with the guy I kissed. I know that might not be enough but I'll do whatever i have to so he'll trust me again. I understand your point of view though. The line about me being '' easy to seduce'' is harsh, but I guess it is true. Which is why I agree about him knowing about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 I think telling him would be selfish, I mean you are only doing it to relieve your own guilt. After you tell him it puts the entire relationship on him. If I were you I wouldn't tell him Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpandAway Posted May 2, 2010 Author Share Posted May 2, 2010 I think telling him would be selfish, I mean you are only doing it to relieve your own guilt. After you tell him it puts the entire relationship on him. If I were you I wouldn't tell him I wouldn't say I'm doing it just to relieve guilt. He deserves to have all the facts about me and the relationship, so he can make an informed decision, no? If I don't tell him, then I'm making a decision about the relationship, without him knowing, which I don't think is fair. I could learn to live with the guilt if I thought it would benefit him but I think deceiving him is wrong. Is it not more selfish to keep him in the dark just so I can continue to be with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 I wouldn't say I'm doing it just to relieve guilt. He deserves to have all the facts about me and the relationship, so he can make an informed decision, no? If I don't tell him, then I'm making a decision about the relationship, without him knowing, which I don't think is fair. I could learn to live with the guilt if I thought it would benefit him but I think deceiving him is wrong. Is it not more selfish to keep him in the dark just so I can continue to be with him? No one can ever make an informed decision. When he started dating you 5 months ago I doubt he thought you would cheat on him. When you tell him the story of how you kissed a guy the only logical solution is to dump you. If he continues to date you it will be out of weakness and he will no longer trust you as you have proven you cannot be trusted. It will then either be his burden to dump you or his burden to continue dating you with this loss of trust. In my mind the best thing you can do is not tell him unless of course he is going to find out any way. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 Up and Away: You sound like a very moral and grounded person that believes in honesty and respect. By telling your boyfriend you are being honorable and showing him respect for your indiscretion. In addition, you are showing your true character. How very sad that there are so many posters encouraging you to be deceitful and dishonest in your relationship. I think this is very telling about their own lack of character. Honesty v. deceit. Why does it say about people that choose deceit? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpandAway Posted May 2, 2010 Author Share Posted May 2, 2010 No one can ever make an informed decision. When he started dating you 5 months ago I doubt he thought you would cheat on him. When you tell him the story of how you kissed a guy the only logical solution is to dump you. If he continues to date you it will be out of weakness and he will no longer trust you as you have proven you cannot be trusted. It will then either be his burden to dump you or his burden to continue dating you with this loss of trust. In my mind the best thing you can do is not tell him unless of course he is going to find out any way. I doubt he would find out but you're making me seriously reconsider telling him. I'm so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 Up and Away: You sound like a very moral and grounded person that believes in honesty and respect. By telling your boyfriend you are being honorable and showing him respect for your indiscretion. In addition, you are showing your true character. How very sad that there are so many posters encouraging you to be deceitful and dishonest in your relationship. I think this is very telling about their own lack of character. Honesty v. deceit. Why does it say about people that choose deceit? I really don't think there is anything honest about telling your bf a story about how you were flirting with a guy you find attractive and who also finds you attractive and how he kept kissing you and you resisted at first, then liked it, and then walked away feeling guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpandAway Posted May 2, 2010 Author Share Posted May 2, 2010 Up and Away: You sound like a very moral and grounded person that believes in honesty and respect. By telling your boyfriend you are being honorable and showing him respect for your indiscretion. In addition, you are showing your true character. How very sad that there are so many posters encouraging you to be deceitful and dishonest in your relationship. I think this is very telling about their own lack of character. Honesty v. deceit. Why does it say about people that choose deceit? Thanks bryanp. My instinct is to tell him, but I really just don't want to hurt anymore than necessary. It seems logical to tell him. I don't know anymore, I just want to what's best for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpandAway Posted May 2, 2010 Author Share Posted May 2, 2010 I really don't think there is anything honest about telling your bf a story about how you were flirting with a guy you find attractive and who also finds you attractive and how he kept kissing you and you resisted at first, then liked it, and then walked away feeling guilty. But isn't the honesty in admiting this even though I will probably lose him? Isn't it better than treating him like an idiot and letting him think things are okay when they're not? Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 I doubt he would find out but you're making me seriously reconsider telling him. I'm so confused. The world is not perfect, look if he did something similar... say he went out and got drunk and some girl came over and they kissed, and he liked it... but then he reflected and realized he wanted to stay with you. Would you want him telling you about how he thought the girl was pretty and he enjoyed the kiss, and oh yeah they shared a dance but in the end he wants to continue dating you... do you think that would do any good but to destroy his trust and hurt you... part of the trust you have in some one is not to hurt you... parents shield their children with white lies and by hiding things... the same goes with lovers... some times you have to shield your lover. lets be seriouse for a second, if you thought there would be a chance he would find out from other people, or you were pregnant or had an std or some other thing that could cause further damage I would tell you to tell him... you can only hurt him by telling him. You come to me with an imperfect situation... sorry but just telling him seems cruel it puts it on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpandAway Posted May 2, 2010 Author Share Posted May 2, 2010 The world is not perfect, look if he did something similar... say he went out and got drunk and some girl came over and they kissed, and he liked it... but then he reflected and realized he wanted to stay with you. Would you want him telling you about how he thought the girl was pretty and he enjoyed the kiss, and oh yeah they shared a dance but in the end he wants to continue dating you... do you think that would do any good but to destroy his trust and hurt you... part of the trust you have in some one is not to hurt you... parents shield their children with white lies and by hiding things... the same goes with lovers... some times you have to shield your lover. lets be seriouse for a second, if you thought there would be a chance he would find out from other people, or you were pregnant or had an std or some other thing that could cause further damage I would tell you to tell him... you can only hurt him by telling him. You come to me with an imperfect situation... sorry but just telling him seems cruel it puts it on him. I really appreciate your honesty, so thank you. I suppose the thing is, I didn't enjoy kissing the guy, I regretted it the whole way through and it didn't have to take time for me to reflect on the situation to realise I want my boyfriend and nobody else, if that makes any sense. I'm very confused now, and I dont know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 I really appreciate your honesty, so thank you. I suppose the thing is, I didn't enjoy kissing the guy, I regretted it the whole way through and it didn't have to take time for me to reflect on the situation to realise I want my boyfriend and nobody else, if that makes any sense. I'm very confused now, and I dont know what to do. well would it be accurate to say the guy kissed you? Would it be truthful to say that he kissed you and you didn't enjoy it and the only reason you feel guilty is for putting yourself in a position to be kissed by a guy? and that you had no idea he was going to do it. And that you just feel he should know... Even if you say it like that my opinion is don't tell him... but you need to do whats right for you... what I'm saying is think about yourself... if telling him is whats best for you, then you should. I really don't think this is a question of honesty at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpandAway Posted May 2, 2010 Author Share Posted May 2, 2010 well would it be accurate to say the guy kissed you? Would it be truthful to say that he kissed you and you didn't enjoy it and the only reason you feel guilty is for putting yourself in a position to be kissed by a guy? and that you had no idea he was going to do it. And that you just feel he should know... Even if you say it like that my opinion is don't tell him... but you need to do whats right for you... what I'm saying is think about yourself... if telling him is whats best for you, then you should. I really don't think this is a question of honesty at this point. Yeah, I would agree with your first paragraph. It just all got out of hand, I suppose. I feel I shouldn't have put myself in that position in the first place. I really do see your point about not telling him (it's pretty much what my friends have been telling me all day), but I just don't feel right not telling him. If I were him I'd want to know, if you get me. I desperately afraid of us breaking up but I feel he has a right to know... Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 The guy I kissed is someone who I kinda liked for awhile (long before I met my boyfriend). He told me he liked me too, but since we have been in relationships at different times, nothing ever happened. Until a few nights ago. We were both quite drunk, and talking about how we fancied each other. He kept saying " I know you have a boyfriend but can you not just forget about him for one night?" He tried to kiss me a few times and I kept saying no. I should have walked away then. Well, he went to kiss me one more time and I didn't pull away. I kissed him back for about a minute or less then got upset and walked away. It really meant nothing to me and I've regretted it ever since. I just want to do what's best for my boyfriend. He doesn't deserve to be hurt. What should I do? I edited your origional post down to the esentials. 1)You've liked a guy a) long before your boyfriend b) he likes you too 2) You got drunk around this guy and had a conversation about how a) you liked eachother where he b) asked you to forget your boyfriend. 3) he a)tried kissing you b) he did kiss you c) you kissed him back. your only saving grace is that you regret it all and want to come clean and keep dating your bf. .... finaly it seems you are telling friends about this so already you are making it worse if you don't tell your bf because now the circle of people who know is atleast 3... or more depending on how many friends you've confided in and how many people this other guy has told. sersiouly you don't think he will find out so my recomendation is to not tell him... but you really want to tell him so in that case go ahead and tell him. Just one question... why were you hanging out with this guy... was it a party... did he run into you and invite you to his place? Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 Thanks very much for your replies , guys. I'm talking to my friend at the moment and she's trying to convince me not to tell him, that i'll lose him if I do. I know that, but not telling him doesn't sit right with me. I love him so much, I hope we can work through this.Those are my feelings on it. He has the right to know and make a decision based on the real state of our relationship, not what I would be deceiving him into thinking it is. I'm hoping that by being honest he might understand how sorry I am and how much I love him. He means the world to me, and even if he does forgive me, I'll never forgive myself. The decency displayed in these comments is a rare breath of fresh air. This is the first time in a while I've read a story about cheating where I actually believe there is any true remorse. You seem to be willing to try and make things as "right" as you can, not just as right for you as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpandAway Posted May 2, 2010 Author Share Posted May 2, 2010 I edited your origional post down to the esentials. 1)You've liked a guy a) long before your boyfriend b) he likes you too 2) You got drunk around this guy and had a conversation about how a) you liked eachother where he b) asked you to forget your boyfriend. 3) he a)tried kissing you b) he did kiss you c) you kissed him back. your only saving grace is that you regret it all and want to come clean and keep dating your bf. .... finaly it seems you are telling friends about this so already you are making it worse if you don't tell your bf because now the circle of people who know is atleast 3... or more depending on how many friends you've confided in and how many people this other guy has told. sersiouly you don't think he will find out so my recomendation is to not tell him... but you really want to tell him so in that case go ahead and tell him. Just one question... why were you hanging out with this guy... was it a party... did he run into you and invite you to his place? It was a party of a mutual friend, we we chatting outside by ourselves and it led from there... I would never have gone to his place or anything, though if I'd thought I was capable of doing this I would never have even stepped outside with him. I don't think he would find out, but as you say, a good few people know by this stage. I was drunk as I said, and told my friends and got upset. There was too much drama for it be forgotten quietly about, if you know what I mean. It's unlikely that he would find out, but all the same, it would be better from me, than someone else. Do you think there is any chance he would forgive me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpandAway Posted May 2, 2010 Author Share Posted May 2, 2010 The decency displayed in these comments is a rare breath of fresh air. This is the first time in a while I've read a story about cheating where I actually believe there is any true remorse. You seem to be willing to try and make things as "right" as you can, not just as right for you as you can. Thanks very much. I regret it so much, so I just hope my bf sees things the way you do. Whatever it may seem, I genuinly want to do what's best for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 Do you think there is any chance he would forgive me? It is possible. One thing you'd have going for you in that regard is that he would never know if you didn't tell him. Clearly the relationship and trust matter to you if you are willing to volunteer something you know he would want to know, and would have little other reasonable way of finding out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UpandAway Posted May 2, 2010 Author Share Posted May 2, 2010 It is possible. One thing you'd have going for you in that regard is that he would never know if you didn't tell him. Clearly the relationship and trust matter to you if you are willing to volunteer something you know he would want to know, and would have little other reasonable way of finding out. Yes, I'm hoping he'll take this into consideration but I would understand if he just wanted to leave me, too. I've never regretted anything more than what I done at that party. Thrown away something great over a pointless, meaningless kiss. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 Well what you did isn't that bad so he will surely forgive you... but personaly I don't know if I would want to continue dating... it could go either way... if he decides to stay with you don't let him continue to make you feel guilty about this. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 Green condones cheating if you feel guilty and there is no way of anyone finding out... check. Link to post Share on other sites
NickelbackFan Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 Its truly shocking the lack of morals and decency being displayed in here by some of the posts im seeing. The thread starter sounds truly remorseful for her actions and I see she is torn but nonetheless kissing is an intimate thing which should be reserved for her boyfriend, not for someother guy in a drunken stupor. He deserves to know the truth. Relationships are supposed to be based upon honesty, trust, faith, and compassion. What occured is a betrayal of trust. On the flipside, he might be forgiving if you tell him but i believe honest is key. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 How about not talking to the other dude and focus on your relationship. As far as telling, I think you would be wasting your time. It's enough that you already expressed guilt about the particular one time drunken kiss, do you have to add luggage into the relationship? If by any chance your boyfriend goes into deep depression or begs for counseling (if he stays with you) after the drunken kiss, then there's clearly something wrong with him... In the end it's you who gets to decide whether you want to reveal something stupid or keep your ''little burden'' to yourself. If I were you, silence would be my only option. It's not like you actually had a long-term affair nor did deeper than kissing acts. Link to post Share on other sites
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