Tolerance... When to cut the cord

[and.then.some]

Did your first post not describe a friendship in which you were there for your friends, but when things were "rough" they weren't there for you?

 

Like I said, continue to be a friend. Don't just be there for the bad, try to do positive things during happy times for the both of you. That's you being assertive in a friendship. If they flake on you during the good AND the bad...then I wouldn't really classify them as true friends, in which case why are you still worried about the friendship and putting yourself out there?

 

Like I said...it sounds like YOU are the one who is having trouble cutting the cord, I was trying to word things a bit nicer but apparently I have to be blunt about it.

 

The common factor is YOU keep letting them use you. Choose your friends, don't let your friends choose you.

 

My entire statement from before applied exactly to your situation. I know because I've been in your shoes before. Denial of your situation doesn't change the situation.

 

You asked for advice. Don't get defensive when someone gives it to you straight.

 

Defensive? Denial? I was simply stating that what you described wasn't what was going on in my particular situation. Ironically, it seems that you're being defensive here, and unnecessarily aggressive as well.

 

Like I said, thanks for replying, but the difference here is that these are people who are like family to me. We have always been like sisters to one another, and have known each other since 3-4 years of age. The problem has nothing to do with someone not being able to hang out or not having time, as you mentioned in the examples. It's not remotely related to the problem at hand. As the title states, "Tolerance... when to cut the cord" I think it's pretty clear where I stand in this situation.

 

I'm sorry if my reply offended you, but believe me when I say that I wasn't trying to be dismissive. My thank you for replying was sincere. If my reply seemed short, it was because I've pretty much typed out all the answers in previous posts, and I've pretty much made up my mind, as well.

 

The problem was with my friends not being compassionate or supportive during a rough time I had a while back. Not with someone being too busy to hang out or being flakey when we had plans. After that situation ended is when I realized that they didn't seem to be very supportive or compassionate then, nor in other times either. I never even noticed it because I'm not the type of person who really needs an emotional hug over every little thing that goes on in my life. Yet, these friends seem to need emotional hugs all the time.

 

The relationships became a little draining. Not just the "demands" or expectations themselves, but the fact that I could now see the imbalance in our relationships. It bothered me that they wouldn't naturally be more compassionate, and I distanced myself. Distancing myself wasn't nearly as effective as I would have liked it to be. At the time I posted this, I was looking for unbiased opinions on whether I should be more tolerant/accepting of these friends or just cut the cord.

Edited April 23, 2010 by and.then.some

[BlueHarvest]

Defensive? Denial? I was simply stating that what you described wasn't what was going on in my particular situation. Ironically, it seems that you're being defensive here, and unnecessarily aggressive as well.

 

Like I said, thanks for replying, but the difference here is that these are people who are like family to me. We have always been like sisters to one another, and have known each other since 3-4 years of age. The problem has nothing to do with someone not being able to hang out or not having time, as you mentioned in the examples. It's not remotely related to the problem at hand. As the title states, "Tolerance... when to cut the cord" I think it's pretty clear where I stand in this situation.

 

I'm sorry if my reply offended you, but believe me when I say that I wasn't trying to be dismissive. My thank you for replying was sincere. If my reply seemed short, it was because I've pretty much typed out all the answers in previous posts, and I've pretty much made up my mind, as well.

 

The problem was with my friends not being compassionate or supportive during a rough time I had a while back. Not with someone being too busy to hang out or being flakey when we had plans. After that situation ended is when I realized that they didn't seem to be very supportive or compassionate then, nor in other times either. I never even noticed it because I'm not the type of person who really needs an emotional hug over every little thing that goes on in my life. Yet, these friends seem to need emotional hugs all the time.

 

The relationships became a little draining. Not just the "demands" or expectations themselves, but the fact that I could now see the imbalance in our relationships. It bothered me that they wouldn't naturally be more compassionate, and I distanced myself. Distancing myself wasn't nearly as effective as I would have liked it to be. At the time I posted this, I was looking for unbiased opinions on whether I should be more tolerant/accepting of these friends or just cut the cord.

 

 

Wow, you take way too literally. My "hanging out" example was merely an example of how someone might take advantage of your emotions. It was an E-X-A-M-P-L-E.

 

4 : a parallel or closely similar case especially when serving as a precedent or model

5 : an instance (as a problem to be solved) serving to illustrate a rule or precept or to act as an exercise in the application of a rule

 

The situation I stated could have been a paraphrased version of yours if you look at and took the time to read it. Apparently you aren't looking for advice, you looking affirmation to do what you already have in your mind to do. I stated exactly what you "should do". Again, this is where reading comprehension comes into play. Unbiased you say? You are already biased on what YOU think you want to do. You need to have a much more open mind if you expect others to help you with your problems here.

 

Your posts didn't offend me at all, but I applaud your effort at trying to deflect the situation back at me.

 

Again, you are so quick to ignore whatever advice someone gives you and to defend your already set thought process about what you are going to do with your situation.

 

I'll quote the parts you should pay attention to, then I'm done helping you. If you want any further help you can ask the rest of the community, because I will no longer continue this farce of a conversation with you.

 

Like I said, continue to be a friend. Don't just be there for the bad, try to do positive things during happy times for the both of you. That's you being assertive in a friendship. If they flake on you during the good AND the bad...then I wouldn't really classify them as true friends, in which case why are you still worried about the friendship and putting yourself out there?

 

They aren't just any ole friends either. They are friends I've known since high school. I just keep boundaries up...if they don't show up I don't call them. I let them initiate the next contact against me. And I don't worry about them initiating contact either.

 

“Of all the causes which conspire to blind Man's erring judgment, and misguide the mind; What the weak head with strongest bias rules, - Is pride, the never-failing vice of fools” ~Alexander Pope

[Peaceful Guy]

just stop it you two! i don't think either of you are in the wrong here.. but keep it up and we'll have a winner for sure!

[Peaceful Guy]

and.then.some - it sounds like a one sided relationship.. but im surprised that you can still hang w. them and shoot the breeze.. for me, when the compassion and caring goes, the fun goes..

 

im curious why you think they don't seem too compassionate.. im not baiting you here.. its just that this seems a little different to the situation i was in but still similar in some ways..

 

are they narcissistic? as in are they totally wrapped up in their self image.. i had one group of friends like that but i don't think that's quite what you've got.. or are they just totally self absorbed? like their problems are big and yours are small?

 

i think the real issue here is that you know the situation's not cool but its hard to figure out how to go about moving on.. in my situation the people around me had become so accustomed to me calling, setting up hanging out, driving to their house, being there for them.. like i said, one sided.. that when i quit calling and making all the effort the relationship pretty much just stopped.. which was devastating..

 

me - "really?! i do all this to be good to you and then you can't even pick up the ****ing phone to see if im okay?!".. well, after i got over wallowing in that an interesting truth began to emerge.. and this is the wonderful thing about self absorbed narcissistic people..

 

you stop putting forth all the effort to make the relationship work and the relationship is over simple as that! you can get back to focusing on the people and activities that truly care for you and make you happy and they wont stop you..

 

three months later after being devastated that they didn't make the effort to maintain the relationship with you you see them and they say.. "where you been?" as if YOU dropped the ball! :laugh::lmao::cool:

 

*maybe that's just my experience and not really applicable to your situation but hopefully someone will relate or find that helpful.

[and.then.some]

just stop it you two! i don't think either of you are in the wrong here.. but keep it up and we'll have a winner for sure!

 

LOL It's not "you two". I didn't read past the definition. I didn't post this thread to debate... I think he wants to be heard more than he wants to help...

 

As for your post below what's quoted above... It's pretty much like you said "their problems are big and mine are small", but only in their minds lol. My whole future was hanging in the balance, but someone having a crush and being ignored by him was like ... a really big deal. THAT sort of thing. (Though I figured there was probably something underneath that that which was troubling as well.)

 

It's not that they shouldn't feel whatever they're feeling about their own personal situations. Yet, even while things were crumbling before my eyes, I was still mother hen. It really does feel like they're children. Kids don't give mom and dad pep talks, etc, yet even they know how to say a few kinds words if they know you're upset.

 

They haven't stopped calling or stopped inviting me out etc. At one point, I wasn't answering the phone for a week or two at a time. They still called everyday. They're like family, and didn't take it to mean anything at all. Now, I answer about half the time they call. (I think they just assumed I was unusually busy, and didn't inquire further. Even if I didn't seem to want to be bothered, it didn't make a difference.) I can't really shoot the breeze with them like I did before, and I don't really give as much input as I did before either. It's one of the reasons I was considering just parting ways.

 

I'm probably more of a loner. I've never really been the one to initiate most of the plans. Most of the people I know are the types who would feel embarrassed to eat in a restaurant alone and stuff lol. To me, it's sometimes easier to just do what I want to do than attempt to organize a party of 5.

 

The types of "bad friends" I've usually had to get rid of were the ones who usually only called when they wanted something. They ask you if you want to do something, and all of a sudden they have no money once you're out. haha Calling to get gossip, or whatever the case was. People with other agendas.

 

I'm sorry about your bad friends. I know how much dashed expectations can sting. You kept telling me to "get out there", but are you getting out there yet?

Edited April 24, 2010 by and.then.some

[Peaceful Guy]

As for your post below what's quoted above... It's pretty much like you said "their problems are big and mine are small", but only in their minds lol. My whole future was hanging in the balance, but someone having a crush and being ignored by him was like ... a really big deal. THAT sort of thing. (Though I figured there was probably something underneath that that which was troubling as well.)

 

It's not that they shouldn't feel whatever they're feeling about their own personal situations. Yet, even while things were crumbling before my eyes, I was still mother hen. It really does feel like they're children. Kids don't give mom and dad pep talks, etc, yet even they know how to say a few kinds words if they know you're upset.

 

well, talk to them, and then let it go.. i know what it feels like to be the "mother hen".. i think that when you let yourself let go of that a little you'll have the most fun! .. not sure why but it seems like that.. i think you should try to open up communication with these people again.. not about the problems that you might be facing, but the relationship itself.. that's a good indicator of where things stand.. people should be totally ready to hear and think about their behaviors if they care about you.. not to say that they will, but if they do, then its good!

 

They haven't stopped calling or stopped inviting me out etc. At one point, I wasn't answering the phone for a week or two at a time. They still called everyday. They're like family, and didn't take it to mean anything at all. Now, I answer about half the time they call. (I think they just assumed I was unusually busy, and didn't inquire further. Even if I didn't seem to want to be bothered, it didn't make a difference.) I can't really shoot the breeze with them like I did before, and I don't really give as much input as I did before either. It's one of the reasons I was considering just parting ways.

 

I'm probably more of a loner. I've never really been the one to initiate most of the plans. Most of the people I know are the types who would feel embarrassed to eat in a restaurant alone and stuff lol. To me, it's sometimes easier to just do what I want to do than attempt to organize a party of 5.

 

well, being independent is one thing.. but a "loner".. its not so great! if theyre making an effort to stay in touch with you that's pretty big.. i think they might be open to hearing you out about how you feel.. when you talk about your problems they seem to take a back seat to their problems.. you could tell them how it made you feel when.. not to make them feel bad.. probably they'll explain what they were thinking, which will help you feel better.. and they'll think about how their actions made you feel which will help them be more supportive next time.

 

I'm sorry about your bad friends. I know how much dashed expectations can sting. You kept telling me to "get out there", but are you getting out there yet?

 

yes maam! yoga class, dance parties, movies, bowling, plus work and a class i never finished in a college certificate program (its the very last one!.. over in two weeks, A fo sho! ).. so im good! it just took a while for me to let myself be happy about it all again!

[and.then.some]

well, talk to them, and then let it go.. i know what it feels like to be the "mother hen".. i think that when you let yourself let go of that a little you'll have the most fun! .. not sure why but it seems like that.. i think you should try to open up communication with these people again.. not about the problems that you might be facing, but the relationship itself.. that's a good indicator of where things stand.. people should be totally ready to hear and think about their behaviors if they care about you.. not to say that they will, but if they do, then its good!

 

well, being independent is one thing.. but a "loner".. its not so great! if theyre making an effort to stay in touch with you that's pretty big.. i think they might be open to hearing you out about how you feel.. when you talk about your problems they seem to take a back seat to their problems.. you could tell them how it made you feel when.. not to make them feel bad.. probably they'll explain what they were thinking, which will help you feel better.. and they'll think about how their actions made you feel which will help them be more supportive next time.

 

Well, the hurt I've gotten over. When I tried to talk to them about it, they both turned it around on me, became defensive, and used it as some excuse to be mad at me. It was literally, they were "hurt and offended" that I told them they did something to hurt and offend me. Absolutely nuts. I was very delicate about it, but they both has similar reactions. They didn't apologize or even try to understand where I was coming from, if I was at all unclear (and I'm sure I wasn't). It was just very immature. It turned into a "oh, you think I'm a bad friend" conversation, as if I was scolding them. I tried to be positive and reassuring, which turned my attention back to their feelings. Before you know, they're trying to place the blame on someone else.

 

It's just that they can't do anything wrong. I can't be offended by something they did, said, or didn't do. It's all about them. All healthy relationships are based on communication. If I can't communicate with you in a kinda and loving way, without you turning it into Me Soap Opera, there's a problem. You're either really insecure or really self-absorbed. For me, the fact that it couldn't be talked about was really the nail in the coffin.

 

It was expected that I would just "let it go" after I spoke my mind, even with no acknowledgment of my feelings or attempt to understand why I felt the way I did, etc. I'm the kind of person who address a major problem from the moment it becomes a major problem. Slight offenses I'll ignore, but a problem I'll address if I care about our relationship.

 

I think they're both dealing with the same kind of "issue". The one who argues and fusses with me a lot did the very same thing the other did. I came to her trying to address this specific pattern of behavior that is a problem in our relationship for me. She, like the other, tried to throw it off on someone else.

 

A similar example would be: Say I told her that she had a drug problem, and mention how she was smoking weed at John's party as an example. She then claims that I hate John (for no reason whatsoever) and this must be the *real* reason I'm upset. So, she calls John right in front of me, and says things to imply that I have a problem with his weed parties, think he's a pothead, and that I think he's a bad friend.

 

THAT sort of thing! They both blamed other people for my upset with them. They don't actually have drug problems, it was just a simple example. LOL

 

I guess I've decided that I don't mind the chitchat and small talk, but I know how they are, so to speak. Our relationships with one another will probably never be the same again.

 

As for getting out there, they're not the only people I ever talk to or hang out with in the world. LOL The problem for me was that, had they been anyone else, I completely ended the friendships with ease. Or, maybe I always just believed that they were *better* friends than they actually are.

 

I've gone through waves of being a "loner", and being surrounded by a lot of so called friends. When I say loner, I don't mean absolutely and totally alone. I like doing things with friends or associates sometimes, other times I very much enjoy the time to myself.

 

yes maam! yoga class, dance parties, movies, bowling, plus work and a class i never finished in a college certificate program (its the very last one!.. over in two weeks, A fo sho! ).. so im good! it just took a while for me to let myself be happy about it all again!

 

That sounds fun. I've read many yoga books, but I've never taken a class. I've got work, school, family, etc, so I get out and do what I can when I have a chance.