katydid Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 How Sad. i just found out my husband had an affair. Sex only mind you. It's been 24 hours since I found out and though I haven't made a decision yet, I think this is it. If your not happy get out or talk to your spouse first. See if you can work this out before you hurt someonr you love Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I am sorry to hear that katydid..I truly wish you all the best in working out the best way forward for you. Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
fallenangel Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Originally posted by lostforwords ...... id highly suggest be far more supportive and a far better service to a poster of not being critical, judgemental (cringe all you want your appearing this way not me) and be more useful to the poster. Ardea as you can see Jester and I both have offered you our assistance..... and we also respect your privacy if you choose not to. oh brother. says who? says you? where is it written that anyone here should offer support to someone who happily announces they're going to betray their marriage vows and go pick up some dude off the internet for meaningless sex? just because you promote this kind of unscrupulous, deceitful and dangerous behavior doesn't mean most people in their right mind would. you're forgetting that a good number of people who find the Loveshack find it because they've been in a relationship where they were cheated on, and they come here because they're devastated and their world is turned upside down. Some of us actually care about the person who's going to be cheated on, too. And that's pretty big of you to offer to help someone screw around behind their husband's back. How bent is that? I feel amazingly sorry for Ardea's husband. He's obviously got some health issues. Last time I checked, marriage vows included the bit about "in sickness and in health.....forsaking all others" ...poor guy obviously wasn't aware when he got married what he was in store for. But whatever I guess..we live in a world where it's all about "me me me" and self gratification, even if it is at the sake of someone else's heart and feelings. How easy it is to justify betraying someone we committed our life to. How easy it is for us to make excuses. What did ardea expect in coming here to announce this? A parade in her honor? And how ironic that in another thread recently, she provided someone with the link to MarriageBuilders; someone who was considering cheating in their marriage. Talk about a hypocrite !! Link to post Share on other sites
softrider Posted May 14, 2005 Share Posted May 14, 2005 aside from all the moral issues brought up here - I understand and support your whole endeavor Candid.... And believe me, it IS possible to smile Link to post Share on other sites
softrider Posted May 14, 2005 Share Posted May 14, 2005 My mom always said: "put yourself in somebody else's position before you pass judgement". Link to post Share on other sites
liswil Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 Originally posted by cdn Morality of What She's Doing I will say at the outset that I am opposed to extra-marital affairs. I believe the best marriages are those which do not include such activities. However, Ardea's marriage is already not in the category of "best" marriages and, if we are to believe what she has posted in not only this but other threads (and we have no reason not to believe her), there is no action available to her at this time to turn her marriage into a "best" marriage or even a tolerable one. So she is exercising an option that we all seem to be in agreement will not strengthen her marriage. But will it necessarily harm it? I think not. Think again. Infidelity = lying. Lying makes a marriage --even a bad one---a sham. For what it's worth, I don't believe that every infidelity ruins a marriage. Certainly, every *discovered* infidelity takes a toll -- and even then not necessarily a death knell -- but not every infidelity is discovered. Sorry, have to disagree. When someone is deceiving someone else, discovered or not, it takes a huge toll. I believe many strong marriages survive infidelity (discovered and not) and, although this is not the optimum model, it is not necessarily the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. Please tell me how a "strong" marriage can include infidelity? Link to post Share on other sites
liswil Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 Originally posted by ArdeaCandidissima Why are you staying with him?!? Here's my honest answer, so I can continue to sow disgust and alienation among all you good people: * Inertia. You're not THAT inert since you're able to venture out and find someone else for an affair. * Keeping the kids safe and happy. You mean provide them with a false illusion so that they'll never know what to expect as being real when they grow up and find out what they perceived in their childhood was all fake.... * Financial consequences. not a good reason * Fear of the unknown/frying pan into fire situation If you were afraid of the unknown, I don't think you'd be prowling online with total strangers. * Don't want to hurt husband, who is so fragile now. And of course, sleeping with someone else won't hurt him....... Although we've never brought up the question point blank, he has said things that indicated he would not find an affair to be the worst thing that could happen to our marriage, or an automatic dealbreaker. This sounds like rationalizing to me. It's sorta like the conversation went: You: Did you hear about Carol's husband Bob having an affair ? Your Husb: Yeah, can you believe it? It's just awful. You: That's sad for Carol but I guess there could be worse things. Your Husb: Yeah I guess so. Your mind rationalizes: See, he doesn't think affairs are all THAT bad. Puh--leaze! Jester brought up a point that nobody else has mentioned...why do so many of you assume that a divorce is a better solution than a fling? I feel a fling will have real restorative value for me, and reduce my anger level. ME-ME-ME...........see a pattern there? That's what affairs are all about...... I'm sure many of you know that some (most/all?) ladies need regular 'service' to keep our tempers at their sweetest. I'm one of them. Since we're talking about people like they're machinery, here's an analogy: My car needs regular service too in order to run smoothly, but if it breaks down because the oil hasn't been changed in a few years, that doesn't give me a good excuse to go drive off in the Jag that someone left their keys in. And I know my husband does not want a divorce. To him, that would be the worst. Is he wrong? Ok, since you're being sooooo respectful of what he wants, how's about asking him this: Ask him if (hypothetically of course), he'd prefer a relationship where he was cheated on over a divorce. Come back to us with his answer.... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 People who defend infidelity are, I suspect, trying to make their own actions right in their own minds. After all, nobody wants to believe himself bad. So those having affairs cook up every possible rationalization to twist ideas of decency and fairness into unrecognizable knots so that they can still think of themselves as ok people. Fact is that lying sucks and deceit sucks and there's no excuse for either. Link to post Share on other sites
liswil Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 Originally posted by jenny 1. most important: discreet and discrete, if possible. your risk level escalates the more often you meet with the same person, as does the emotional risk. this was not true of him, but women may have a higher risk 2. set aside 30 concentrated minutes thinking about any trail of clues: does he know about this website? does he have any access to your computer? it might be a good idea to change all passwords, and reset your IP address. any physical evidence in your car or on your person? any foreign smells/strange mileage/unexplained VISA purchases/etc? this will reduce stress and worry if you are methodical about it - ask yourself all the "forensic" questions you can think of. 3. decide against guilt and shame at the onset, and stick with that decision. you know why you're doing this; don't get sidetracked. 4. make sure the partner is worth the risk: this should be literary-level banging to justify the time/expense/thinking time. 5. don't be too surprised if it ends up making you more unhappy in your marriage. it might, it might not. that's the biggest risk, in my eyes - that this will not bring you happiness. i don't give a figgy pudding about morality; i'm just concerned about the value/benefit assessment of this venture. would it be possible for you to travel and have an affair while away? that way you undergo new stimulation, the forensics difficulties are reduced, and you come away with a whole experience instead of just a tussle. Wow--I felt like I was just reading The Sociopath's Guide to Relationships............. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 It's just The Selfish Person's Book of Life. Once your life becomes all about you, the rest of the world needs to look out. Too bad people who live that way don't turn green or something so that decent folk could avoid them. Link to post Share on other sites
liswil Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme It's just The Selfish Person's Book of Life. Once your life becomes all about you, the rest of the world needs to look out. Too bad people who live that way don't turn green or something so that decent folk could avoid them. I think what bothers me most is the justification that they are doing their partner a favor. Also, when I see the detailed steps on how to deceive someone, that's just plain creepy. Look up in the anals of crime and you'll see that most sociopaths thought like that. They had it all planned out step by step. It's one thing if someone assaults a person out of emotion. It's another when the attacker had a detailed list of how he was going to go about it beforehand. Whole different type of mindset there......and one that I don't care to be around...... Link to post Share on other sites
liswil Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 Originally posted by animo My wife tells me this every time., 'im not the one with the problem, im not the one who needs sex'. Well i'm sorry but i fail to agree. I think that an affair based on sex, in a marriage where there is no more sex is justifyable. If this leads to a devorce then i think your spouse is being selfish. You need something, your spouse refuses to give it to you so he/she can be perfectly comfortable him/herself. Its only rational that you will go and get it somewhere else. I don't even consider it cheating, its dealing with the situation because your spouse is not willing to deal with it him/herself. Amazing....simply amazing.... First off, did you ever think that she doesn't like sex because maybe you're not satisfying her? Yep---that will make a lot of women uninterested. When a guy doesn't know how to please a woman and only knows how to please himself, sex loses its interest to her. Sadly, there are many guys in your situation who never think that it could be THEM. So say you're no good at oral sex--does that give her justification to get it from another guy? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 This thread is an old one, and so much has happened to those participants since. You might find it an interested read to follow up the more recent threads… Also, when I see the detailed steps on how to deceive someone, that's just plain creepy. Actually Liswil, shortly after posting those "step by step instructions" on how to get away with an affair, poor Jenny discovered that her own fiancé was cheating on her. She was absolutely devastated and apologized for it later on a separate thread. We were all heartbroken for her knowing how painful it was stepping into the role of the betrayed…particularly after advocating it for others. I guess it feels different when it hits so close to home. The saddest part about it was that it was like a double whammy of karma for this poor lady. But this intelligent, beautiful and feisty young woman had the grace and dignity to admit her error in judgment even through her terrible, terrible pain. I really miss Jenny's posts. She was both entertaining and absolutely witty and brilliant. I still think about her often and continue to hope she has come through the storm and is now doing well. I also continue to hope that Ardea has found her path to happiness as well. Life and its many players sure are fascinating, aren't they? Link to post Share on other sites
liswil Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 Well I was replying because it was in the recently replied to so I didn't pay attention to all of the post dates. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
softrider Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 I think that many posters would take on a more morally humbling stance if it were hitting home this close . . . Link to post Share on other sites
liswil Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 The best thing to do is always reverse the scenario and see how it sounds to you then. Link to post Share on other sites
softrider Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 true indeed [and I do] Link to post Share on other sites
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