ReadyforLove Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 So I have been seeing this guy for only a month. A week or so into the relationship I noticed he still had his dating profile active and had been logging on pretty much everyday. I asked him about it and his excuse was that it automatically signs him in every time he turns on his computer. After a couple of weeks I finally taught him how to "hide" his profile (which he did). Now, me being the kind of person that I am, I checked today and what do you know. His profile has been reactivated. Any thoughts on handling this?
Rorschach Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 So I have been seeing this guy for only a month. A week or so into the relationship I noticed he still had his dating profile active and had been logging on pretty much everyday. I asked him about it and his excuse was that it automatically signs him in every time he turns on his computer. After a couple of weeks I finally taught him how to "hide" his profile (which he did). Now, me being the kind of person that I am, I checked today and what do you know. His profile has been reactivated. Any thoughts on handling this? You've only been dating for a month, he probably just doesn't feel that it's so serious he has to shut out other options. If YOU feel it's reached that level of seriousness talk to him.
Author ReadyforLove Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 I really don't think it has reached a level of seriousness. I just wonder if he is back on for some attention or if he is exploring other options.
eraser Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I asked him about it and his excuse was that it automatically signs him in every time he turns on his computer. What a bunch of crap. That being said, have you both agreed to be exclusive? If not, he can pretty much log onto his dating profile any time he wants. Even if he is full of crap while doing so.
Rorschach Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I really don't think it has reached a level of seriousness. I just wonder if he is back on for some attention or if he is exploring other options. From my point of view ( a guy) if i was dating a girl for about a month, and it wasn't a super serious relationship yet, i would see nothing wrong with trying to meet some other girls at the same time. If I'm not sleeping with you, or even intimately involved emotionally with you, then really I don't mind meeting a couple other women who I feel the same way about. As soon as any one of those women became really serious I would shut off all ties with the others. I'm not sure how women would view that behavior, and I would probably feel a little guilty about it and if anything while I might not decline any other women's advances, I probably wouldn't make any of my own. I don't really think it's anything to worry about until the relationship gets serious.
Author ReadyforLove Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 That being said, have you both agreed to be exclusive? LOL, yes I knew he was full of it. We did agree to be exclusive. I'm not sure when his membership is set to expire but maybe he is just trying to get his money's worth?
Author ReadyforLove Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Thanks for your honesty, Rorschah. Although it has only been a month, things are not THAT serious but he has mentioned that he wants to be married soon, he can see himself being with me etc. I don't see reactivating a profile along the same lines as wanting to settle down and be married. I would think he would be trying to develop things with one person instead of leaving his options open.
Rorschach Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Thanks for your honesty, Rorschah. Although it has only been a month, things are not THAT serious but he has mentioned that he wants to be married soon, he can see himself being with me etc. I don't see reactivating a profile along the same lines as wanting to settle down and be married. I would think he would be trying to develop things with one person instead of leaving his options open. Guys say that stuff all the time if they think it's what you want to hear. But while there is a grain of truth when they say it, it doesn't always mean that's what they've decided to do. If everything other than that is pointing to a good healthy relationship at this stage in the game then I don't see any problems here.
Author ReadyforLove Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Yes, and at this point I have HEARD IT ALL! He is pretty much the one who mentions the future (marriage, kids) all the time. I keep quiet because at this point, everything is so new so who knows what will happen in the future! Everything else is okay so far, he is attentive and makes an effort to spend time with me and take me places. I'll just keep my eyes and ears open to see if things change or he starts acting funky.
2sunny Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I really don't think it has reached a level of seriousness. I just wonder if he is back on for some attention or if he is exploring other options. probably both. he has allowed you to understand that his words and actions are not aligned. this is huge - as he has let you know he will say one thing and do another. is that the type of man you want to date? if not, get rid of him. and tell him why... expecting that he will lie to you more while you try to get rid of him. otherwise when he dishes out more of the same behavior over time you will have no one to blame but yourself. he's shown his true colors early on... it's a matter of you deciding whether or not you want to go further with a man who lies and sees other women without your knowledge.
carhill Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 The mouth says I want to be married soon and can imagine it being with you. I've said I'm exclusive with you and, hmm, having sex with you. The fingers reactivate my dating profile. Darned fingers OP, actions never lie. Never. 'I noticed your dating profile is active again. Since we've agreed to be exclusive, I feel betrayed.' Whatever he says next is meaningless, unless it is 'Baby, I'm sorry. Let's delete that right now'. That's the only way he maintains the gift of your presence, and his future actions will reinforce his decision and agreement.
Author ReadyforLove Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 'I noticed your dating profile is active again. Since we've agreed to be exclusive, I feel betrayed.' I told him I would call him right now. I'm itching to say this to him!
carhill Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 IMO, do it in person. I watch the person's body language and eyes. BTW, if you think I'm hard on him, I treat women the same way. Had enough of that in my life. See ya...
Author ReadyforLove Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Carhill I didn't get your last message but thankfully, I didn't ask him over the phone. I will wait for tomorrow and ask him in person. Thanks for the advice everyone.
carhill Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Good on ya. IMO, relationship stuff should be done in person. Stbx and I only communicate in writing because that way there are no misunderstandings and there's a written record for the divorce proceedings. My message conveyed the concept of equality; IOW, I hold a woman to the same standards I expect her to hold me to, with regard to prioritizing the relationship. Hope it works out
2sunny Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 there's no reason to ask... you already know the true answer. his actions have shown you that he is interested in other women besides you. so what's to ask? seriously, he will only lie again. let's look at the evidence. his profile was active while pretending to be serious about you. you pointed out the obvious (hey, your profile should be inactive). stated he didn't know how. you had to make an effort by showing him how. you"helped" him to hide the profile. he pretended again to "hide" his profile. ...... time goes by and he shows what he really wants... by magic it reappeared as actively looking. he made a conscious effort to make his profile active. i'd email him a copy of his active profile with the date attached - and a note that says "actions show me you aren't truthful." no reason to communicate further. why even bother seeing him again... to listen to him manipulate and lie further? guys like this aren't worth bothering with - he's just wasting your time and energy.
2sunny Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 have you been intimate with him? who initiated the exclusive conversation - you or him?
Author ReadyforLove Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Yes we have and he initiated it.
Rorschach Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Yes we have and he initiated it. Oh see, thats important information right there. He's a jerk, dump him. I was under the impression that with just a month of dating you hadn't done the deed yet, and while I missed the exclusivity conversation I figured at least you would've been the one to mention it. He's no good.
Author ReadyforLove Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Not sure if this even matters but his profile says "active within 3 days" meaning he is not logging on everyday. I don't want to jump to conclusions or assume anything. I'm going to wait it out and see what happens.
2sunny Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Not sure if this even matters but his profile says "active within 3 days" meaning he is not logging on everyday. I don't want to jump to conclusions or assume anything. I'm going to wait it out and see what happens. that means he hasn't checked in today - but has been on within the past 3 days. why are you willing to overlook his lies? he went back to checking out more gals when he's given you the firm idea that he was only wanting to see you. what is it about a liar who uses you for sex and seeks out other gals while doing so is attractive to you? the guy is a bold faced jerk and you still want him - geeez, why?
Author ReadyforLove Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 2sunny, you are probably right. I'm definitely not making excuses for this man. I do not have that much invested into the relationship so to break free from him would not be a problem at all. I'm curious to hear what kind of bologna comes out of his mouth. I am definitely going to mention it to him. Will keep you posted.
Author ReadyforLove Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Apparently, he was getting messages, was unable to view them and so he reactivated his profile out of curiosity. The problem is, I confronted him face-to-face on Friday and he got extremely defensive and denied the whole thing. By Sunday, when he had "cooled off" I'm guessing, he told me "truth". He then went on to say that he was hurt that I didn't trust him and that he thinks we should get to know each other better. If I really knew him, I wouldn't have had any doubts about him being back on the site. He says we should take a couple of steps back, talk more, get to know each other more and see what happens. Oh, and he also mentioned not having sex during this period Anyone have any thoughts on this? I'm pretty much considering myself as "single" now especially since we won't be intimate I figure I can still date others (although I haven't mentioned this to him).
stillafool Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 So I have been seeing this guy for only a month. A week or so into the relationship I noticed he still had his dating profile active and had been logging on pretty much everyday. I asked him about it and his excuse was that it automatically signs him in every time he turns on his computer. After a couple of weeks I finally taught him how to "hide" his profile (which he did). Now, me being the kind of person that I am, I checked today and what do you know. His profile has been reactivated. Any thoughts on handling this? Yeah, I think you should stop checking his profile. Afterall, you can't tell him what to do. It is of course up to you if you still want to date him or not now that you know he is still keeping his options open.
Tony T Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 If you really want to win in this thing, carry on as if he's just another guy and under no circumstances let him know this is bothering you. Start seeing other people and not giving him so much time. Don't tell him you're doing this, it's not really any of his business since you're not in a committed relationship with him. By activating his profile and contacting others he has basically given you notice that he is seeking other options. The cooler you are about this, the more impressed he will be. Don't be available to him every time he calls. Frankly, I think you will soon find somebody who is more into you. This guy, right now, is not...but as soon as he finds out you are seeing others he will come around big time. That's just the way it happens.
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