Another method to help stop obsessive/controlling thoughts...

[dlb311]

Hi I just wanted to let you know that there is a book I have been reading Well I have been reading alot of books But this one touches the core of our insecurities. It called If this is love, why do I feel so insecure? by Carl G. Hindy, Ph.D.; J. Conrad Schwartz, Ph.D.; and Archie Brodsky.

 

When I read this book it makes my stomach turn because they are discribing exactly how I feel. I get real scared that my lovers will leave and that I am not good enough. And if they look at porns its because I am not good enough and then they will fantise about them while we are having sex. I hate the my ex boyfriend had girls as friends. It drove me crazy because ever guy friend I had hit on me so I didn't and couldn't see that they didn't do the same.

I would get upset and have major mood swings once I realized how ridiculous I was being I was scared that I had pushed him away. Men hate insecure woman and jelous woman. I go to therapy and it really helps and this book is very very good I recommend it to any one that feels insecure in anyway. Some people are insecure so they don't let people in till its to late. That is another form. Anyway hope it helped.

 

Your thoughts can drive you insane. I thought at times I needed to go in to a hospital from the aniety I felt I couldn't sleep and I was so suspicious about everything... I just want to learn to be a lad back easy going person life seems like it would be so much more enjoyable!

[Thinkalot]

I've heard of that book too. I might see if the library has it.

 

I'm so glad to know this site, and our posts are helping others, and helping us, get through. The support of a group is very strong, and can help during the bad days.

[miownwrstenimi]

Yesterday was the first day that I actually read all your threads, and wrote a little message myself. I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I've read from all of you, and it really does make sense. For the first time, I'm able to realize that it's not really the girl I'm obsessing about that's the problem, it's that I have an obsessive disorder, and I guess I just never realized that my jealousy was part of this problem. I thought of it as a separate issue, but it is definitely tied in. I've had obsessive worries over certain things my whole life, from a small child, I now realize, and the worries I had as a child I outgrew as I became an adult and realized that most of them were unrealistic. But low and behold, I also developed adult obsessive worries to replace my childhood ones. When I started dating it switched to jealousy of other women, past girlfriends, goodlooking girls on the street, in movies, etc. God forbid if there was a gorgeous woman in a bathing suit walking by.....that would just send me into a jealous obsession. " Did you like her?, what did you think of her body?, etc." It just didn't make sense to me, and I never knew why I was like this. I question my c/l husband over and over about different girls, past girlfriends, and it just doesn't stop. Oh, I'll leave it all alone for a month or two, then I'll start again, if something triggers it. And I've asked everything there is to ask, but I just have to ask over again, in case he didn't tell me the truth, or left something out. It's like I'm waiting for him to finally admit to something that will hurt me, so I can say to myself "see, I told you you weren't good enough!" Well, I must say it does feel good to know why I do this now. I guess it's another obsessive worry I have, that a man is going to find another woman more attractive than me and leave me, or something like that. And I believe it's about control. That I feel I must control everything in my life so that it will run smoothly and I won't get hurt, and this questioning and self doubt are my way of trying to control it, and keep myself safe. Only it doesn't, it just hurts myself over and over, and hurts my partner too. He gets so frustrated and feels he's going to lose his mind sometimes, because there is nothing more he can tell me that he hasn't already.. He does love me, I know, and he has done nothing to cause this jealousy, it's all in my head, and I am doing it to myself. Anyway, sorry to babble on so much, there has just been NO ONE in my entire life that I have been able to tell this to, and I have never heard of anyone, who has had the same kind of jealous problems as me. Everyone just thinks I'm being stupid and immature, and that keeps me from talking to them. Thanks for listening, and I am going to try and follow you're words of wisdom, and advice......One small step at a time right?????

[dlb311]

I think that is alot. You have noticed all these traits on your own. That is really good and insightful. I was the same. I decided to get help. I couldn't battle it all on my own. So I see a therapist once a week. It really really helps. We have to remember not every thing has to be about us. Just because our man finds another woman attractive doesn't mean we can't trust him. We find other men attractive. That is just human nature.

 

I think that you have noticed alot and that means you want to change it. I am sure your husband will appriciate that. Because I am sure you drive him crazy with your insecurities. I know my ex got fustrated at times. But I kept my mouth shut most of the time unless I felt threatened like a girl calling him or sending him cards or e-mails. Then I would say something other wise I would just tell myself I have to trust him. If I don't we don't have a relationship at all.

 

I think that asking over and over again only pushing them away. And they don't want to deal with that all the time. They want to know that the woman they are with knows how wonderful, beautiful and unique she is. That is what you have to think when those thoughts flow in. You see a hot girl walking by at the beach just in her suit. Ya right would I just walk around like that. But I have to remember he is with me. And she is merely a fanatacy I am the real deal. I am good I have a good personality, I am fun and I am a good person. You have to have cofindence in yourself. Then he will and he will not think about another woman because he knows how valueable you are.

 

Just keep your head held high and smile its very attractive...

just have a good out look on life all together. Whats the point of being here if you don't enjoy it.

 

I am one of those people who doesn't really now whats next after this and if this is my only chance then I want to have it very very good and enjoyable.

good luck with the thoughts. Just remember when you feel that way to stop check it and then react.

[miownwrstenimi]

It feels soooo good to have someone to talk to about this problem. I just am so surprised to have a reply, and so soon too. That was nice. Just knowing there are people out there to talk to and bounce things off of helps tremendously. Everything you said was right, and I am very hopeful for myself....thanks....

[Thinkalot]

Hi- I'm here for you too! It's great you have had these insights! I remember when I had them too, and just having more understanding of what drove me, was a relief!

 

My man thought (and sometimes, still does!) he was going to lose his mind on many occassions when I would ask the SAME stuff over again! He got really angry several times, and swore and yelled. It was pretty awful for both of us., He hated feeling that frustrated. And I hated feeling the way I felt!

 

Therapy is very worthwhile. And the medication has also helped me get control of things. I was really scared to take them at first, but they have helped calm mymind down enough, so that I can start to think rationally.

 

All the advice listed here, is tops....it's great we can all share our insights. And knowing others were like me was such a big relief too! I felt too embarassed to tell people I knew as well.

 

Keep taking those steps forward!

[miownwrstenimi]

It seems that I'm either thinking of the obsessive jealous thoughts, or spending the rest of the time reassuring myself, so my mind just goes in circles. Does this sound familiar to any of you? I'm really curious about the meds, and am going to discuss this with my couseller, whom I've just begun seeing. Just knowing there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel helps, and I think if you just stop giving the thoughts such power, they lose their control over you. I just have to figure out ways of not giving them such power, that's the trick right? You're right though, the more you ask questions, and get answers, the fresher it's kept, instead of it getting old, and giving yourself the chance to let go. My latest obsessive worry is just so ridiculous, I don't get it. I asked my husband a few months back if there was any goodlooking girls at work, and he said there was a few, and one in particular that the guys made comments about. This set me off. I had the millions of questions then. Like he did anything wrong....He just goes to work and comes home, and gives me no reason to have these thoughts. I ask about her body, what she wears, does she have big boobs? haha, see how mean I am to myself....He's like I don't care about her, I don't even hardly ever talk to her, I just see her at work, and noticed she was a good looking girl, and really fit.....so what's the problem..He's like I'm not the one making comments about her at work, and so on.....I've woken up in the morning with stomach aches worrying about this....and it's so frustrating to me, because I know it's silly, and there's really nothing to worry about, it's just a product of my obsessive worrying, but it just consumes so much of my time and I'm sick of it....Has any of you had it this bad, or am i worse that anyone with this problem??????? Hope not.... It's just the thought of him looking at another girl, and admiring her body that makes me insane, especially if she's busty, as I've always been insecure about having small boobs......gotta work on my self esteem I guess. Oh my god, I can't believe I just admitted all this to people........aaahhhhhh!!!!!

[Thinkalot]

OH- I can relate to you very well! I have been just as bad as you, believe me! You are not alone. But there is hope- cos I'm not that bad anymore (except the odd bad day)...mostly I'm much calmer and happier...and it plagues me less.

 

Some of the things I have cross questioned my bf on are so embarassing to admit! Tiny things...details about his ex-wife..what clothes she wore, etc... one thing to another...EXACTLY where they went on holidays, what cars they drove and so on...

 

Sometimes it will be questions about his past in general, right back to highschool days! He lost his virginity back then with the ex-wife, and that bothered me for a long time (some days, still gets me!). Because I waited till I was much older to have sex etc etc.

 

Thing is, the obsessive worries do move from one thing to another...that's how it works. You solve one thing, and the thoughts will attach themselves to another.

 

But there is hope! It's been a battle for me, and I'm lucky my guy has stuck with me through this...but I'm getting there now! And we are talking marriage and feeling happy. We are still volatile...I think we always will be a bit, because neither of us is really even tempered..lol! But at least my questioning has reduced so much...and I can sleep through the night without feeling sick with worry! (see, I do know how you feel!). It's nice to be able to relax at night !

 

It's so tought not being able to tell people isn't it? I found this site so helpful for that reason. You feel like you are going crazy, and noone knows how bad it feels, it's just like they want you to "get a grip" when it isn't that easy!

 

Good luck. You've started on your road to healing now. It will be tough at times, but you'll get there. It might take a while, which I have found frustrating, but just begentle with yourself as you go...because you are doing well. And come online when you need a reminder, or a helping hand!.

[miownwrstenimi]

I have a question that I was wondering if any of you could answer or shed some light on for me. Why is it that on certain days your obsessive worrying just doesn't seem to have any power. I mean, for the last week I was obsessing constantly all day about this girl who works at my husbands plant, and just going over and over in my head what she looks like and what he thinks when he sees her(and this is some person that he doesn't even really know, or has had no relationship with, I've just decided to pick her I guess to obsess about)....cruel and senseless eh? But that's my newest obsessive worry....Now, since I've been reading all these threads, and learning more, it seems to have gone away(I know just temporarily of course, it'll be back to haunt me again I'm sure) But I just wondered what takes the power away, and then puts it back again.....I just love it when I have these freedom days away from the obsessive thoughts, it's almost like I'm living a "normal" life!!!!

[gaia]

Oh my god, I can't believe I just admitted all this to people........aaahhhhhh!!!!!

 

I think this may be your answer. Carrying the obsessive thoughts alone makes them powerful ie. "this is so awful I can't tell anyone". I've had obsessive thoughts about all sorts, relationships, work, kids and it's always the darkest ones that I've kept to myself that have taken the most control.

 

Although I have a supportive husband, a wonderful best friend and an understanding (and similarly afflicted) mother, I cannot tell you the relief I felt when I told my therapist the absolute worst I had, and he just nodded and smiled. There's a tremendous relief in knowing you're not alone and that other people have been helped.

 

I don't know why it's better some days than others - except that the days you dwell on it more are probably worse and the days you are too busy to do so are better. With me, the only thing that would truly get rid of a worry was it being replaced by another!! My husband thought I HAD to have something to worry about.

 

Some people can fight this alone, some people can overcome it with therapy but, for me, I got nowhere without medication. Even though I had to use all the other techniques as well and can advise people on them, if I stop my tablets, back it all comes. For me, at least, I think it comes down to nothing more sinister than serotonin deficiency!!

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by gaia

With me, the only thing that would truly get rid of a worry was it being replaced by another!! My husband thought I HAD to have something to worry about.

 

That could be a description of me! Oh well. At least now I do worry less, and to a lesser degree. I can't imagine not worrying at all about anything though! I am too detailed, to perfectionist, too much of a thinker... ie it's too much a part of my personality type (obessing aside)- to eradicate completely. Realising and accepting that fact is also something of a relief. Aiming for perferction with this just sets me up for failure. Even my partner acceps I will always been driven, a bit of a worrier, thinker whatever. To a degree, that is fine, and you can live with it, and be happy, and those around you can be happy.

 

Some days I feel better too...but like gaia said, often that's because I am busy or distracted, or really focussing on the present day, and absorbed in life NOW.

 

Sharing the thoughts certainly does reduce their power!

[yes]

saying your thoughts out loud is priceless - they look soo different once spoken, often! and just the fact of having to formula them helps - otherwise they just float around in your mind, clearly unpleasant but unclear in meaning. if no therapist handy, writing 'em down is good (burn the paper later!).

 

my 2c,

-yes

[miownwrstenimi]

Gaia, thanks for the response....I am going to go and visit my therapist next week, and I do want to talk to him about medication. You are truly right when you say that sometimes it takes another obsessive thought to replace and get rid of one.....that does happen to me alot...Can I ask a question about the medication? When you are on it, do you still get the thoughts, and if you do does your mind and body just not respond to them like before? It sounds like they have helped you, and that gives me hope. I know I can help myself to a certain extent, but I do believe some of it is beyond my control. You know, it does seem to free your mind a little when you finally let your thoughts and worries out in the open, and you have someone you can finally confide in. (you guys!) Instead on just harrassing myself and my husband, just talking about it on this post seem to ease the pressure. Thanks for listening.....

[Thinkalot]

You are most welcome.

 

What I have found with the meds is this:...they help me slow my thoughts down, and think rationally. They don't make the thoughts stop completely. But once my method of dealing with them became much easier...it was easier to rationalise them, and then STOP the pattern.

 

Now, I do find the thoughts come in much less....I'm getting on with living my life with more freedom. I have more perspective.

 

They don't solve the problem, but they get your brain to a place, where YOU can solve it. And eventually, as a result, your normal life takes back off, and the thoughts naturally decrease.

 

Some weeks/days still are hard...but so much less than before. You learn to be aware, and to manage things much better in time. You learn to detach from the problem a bit more, and watch the thoughts come, and then let them go.

 

Actually, the detachment thing I have only been able to master lately...so I 'm still improving in little ways all the time.

 

I've been taking the meds for about 4 months now.

[miownwrstenimi]

Today I decided to face one of my obsessions head on. Like I mentioned in a previous note, I have had this obsession over some girl at my husbands work, that he once mentioned to me when I made the mistake of asking him if there were any good looking girls at his work. He innocently mentioned this one girl, and I flew away with it.....asked a million questions, her body type, etc..... the poor guy never even talked to her more than a few times....but I ran away with this jealousy, and put all the power I could into obsessing and questioning him over her. I'd ask the same questions over and over....even though he'd already answered....well, today, I decided to face this fear once and for all, maybe this was not agood idea, but I did it anyway, and am proud of myself for facing it. He said he didn't care that I do this. I met him at lunchtime at his work, outside with McDonalds, and a few of his coworkers were out there having their smokes, so I got to see her in person. And you know what, she was nothing of what I had made her out to be in my mind! I had imagined some goddess, and obsessed over and over about what she must look like, well, reality was much better than what I had made her out to be in my head. She was a good looking girl, but she was just a girl, nothing more. My mind could not fool me on this one, reality was right in front of me. I saw her, spoke to her, and faced it, and this was my way of facing my obsession. Wrong or right I don't know....but I just feel sometimes letting your imagination go, can make things worse, so I just needed to see her in person to put it in perspective. Now lets see what my mind can think of to obsess about next, I'm sure it will find something........damn!

[Thinkalot]

Sometimes people say that meeting an ex for example can help, so perhaps that is similar to what you have done here. I don't know whether it's the right approach or not either, but I'm glad you feel better at the moment.

 

I've sometimes wondered ifmeeting the ex-wife would help, but I don't feel the need to as much anymore. She's in the past...both in reality, and slowly fading in my own mind.

[gaia]

miown - I'm glad you've got a therapist. And I applaud you for facing that demon - brave++. At first, like Thinkalot says, I found the meds stopped me going over and over thoughts, although the original thoughts still came into my head. Now, however, I don't seem to get them at all. I don't know whether that's the medication or the effect of not going over them so much.

 

It's very weird to know that a pill can affect your thoughts so much. Feels wrong in a way, but I'm living again so what the hell. Just be aware that some people do have to stay on these pills long term. I think I may be one of them. Two years so far, and every time I try to stop them, back it comes. I don't think it's an addiction to the pills. With me at least, I think it's a biochemical disturbance that still needs correcting.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Please continue posting here. There's a wealth of experience at all levels of recovery! And we're all obsessional, so you know we'll answer the posts!!!

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by gaia

And we're all obsessional, so you know we'll answer the posts!!!

 

LOL! How true.

[reachingskywards]

I think that what you are going to do with your journal sounds like a good idea.

 

YOu might also want to try this... which I read in a book recently and put into practice with good results...

 

When you start obsessing about someone or something... ask yourself 'what is this costing me right now'... then it's easier to stop it.

 

For example .. if I am lying awake obsessing about my b/f or current situation then and I ask myself this question then I realise that my obsessing I'm not going to get any sleep, I'm going to be realy tired and messed up the next day... I'm going to perform poorly at my job ... I'm not going to look or feel great when I meet up with the guy later that night...etc etc

 

Same if I'm at work or anywhere... You can always think of a million better things to do then to obsess about someone or something. Pretty soon you just realise that it's not worth it.

 

I think by obsessing about something it's not only a way of gaining control but it also stunts your ability to live life or really connect with life.

 

Anyway -- ou might want to try thjis if you start obessing outside your dedicated journal time.

[Thinkalot]

That's a good idea actually. I find that I think to myself " I am now sabotaging my relationship...I will ruin the closeness between us if I continue"..and so on...it helps.

[miownwrstenimi]

Gaia, I'm am so glad to hear that your meds are working so well for you. That is for sure something I really want to look into. I do believe that having to be on them for the resst of my life if need be is something I will be able to accept, as I do also believe this is not about a choice, it's about a chemical imbalance, and the meds are probably the only way to live a more sane life...along with keeping journals, and practising the positive thoughts as well. I do feel brave that I went and "met" this person that my obsessions have been about, but I also do realize she is not the problem, the problem is my obsession and she just happens to be what it is about at this time....I've already started to doubt what I saw, and question myself a few times, see how the mind works! It's so easy to just fall back into it. But I have confidence now that the thoughts about this particular thing will lessen, as the imagination cannot possibly run away like it was, because I did meet her, and know what she does look like...anyway, I am so relieved to hear your "success" story with the meds, I pray that they can work for me like that too. Life is so up and down with this "problem" isn't it? Enjoy the free time from the worries when you can, and try to remember all the things we've been discussing when the thoughts come....take care, ttyl.....miown....

[miownwrstenimi]

Thinkalot, just a little word of praise to you: from reading all your threads I found from back when you first started writing to now, you sound like you've come a long way, and are trying really hard to help yourself. Good for you. I hope I can be as strong and persist in helping myself as you have. I must say your words and others words have been popping into my head when the thoughts have been coming lately. It's good to have other people's advice and words to help me when I go thru those tough times, I feel like I have "friends" who are there and I'm not so alone. Anyway, just wanted to tell ya that you seem to be doing great and you should feel good about yourself......

[Thinkalot]

Thanks....it's nice to hear, and sometimes I need to be reminded how far I have come. I nearly lost my guy before Xmas! Some days though I get frustrated that I'm not perfect, and have to remember I've achieved a lot.

[miownwrstenimi]

Tonight I spoke to my sister and told her about my ocd, and how my obsessive jealousy is related to it. She is not the most compassionate person in the world, and has always "made fun" of me and teased me about my jealousy. My other sisters are so easy to talk to, and I can be open with them, but this one I'm on guard with. But, I thought what the hell, lets get it all out in the open. So I told her what I'd learned about myself, and about chatting on this forum, and believe it or not, she didn't laugh at me at all! Shocked is not the right word for what I felt! She actually said she understood what I was saying and that it made sense. Wow! Support in a place I didn't expect it, who'd have thunk it? I have my appt. with my therapist on Wed. night, so I am going to for sure talk about the meds, and see what he says-can't wait, I'm kinda excited! Anyway, just checking in, and seeing how you are all doing. See I'm addicted to this already! Hope all is well with each of you! Miown....

[Thinkalot]

I'm really happy to hear that! I felt excited when I started therapy too...