Author Redsox Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 Quote: We really have a loving marriage despite our sexual problems. Hmmmm, this doesn't jive with "I have fallen in love with other people "twice" since we have been married." You have already cheated on your wife emotionally. If it is that easy for you to fall in love with others you don't need to be married to this woman. Let her go so she can find the man she is meant to be with also. I think there are different types of love. When I say 'falling in love' I'm talking about feelings urgency, desire, passion, intensity, adventure. It's a bolt from the blue, not a rational decision. Maybe some married couples succeed in maintaining that intensity, but I suspect they may be the exception. I suspect that these feelings necessarily fade with time and habit, and that other feelings take their place. No-one 'needs' to be married to anyone, in my opinion. I also dispute that there is one particular man (or woman) my wife (or anyone else) is 'meant' to be with. ('Meant' by whom? God? Oprah?) This just doesn't jive with my personal world-view, though you are welcome to your opinion and I thank you for your candor. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Quote: We really have a loving marriage despite our sexual problems. Hmmmm, this doesn't jive with "I have fallen in love with other people "twice" since we have been married." You have already cheated on your wife emotionally. If it is that easy for you to fall in love with others you don't need to be married to this woman. Let her go so she can find the man she is meant to be with also. I think there are different types of love. When I say 'falling in love' I'm talking about feelings urgency, desire, passion, intensity, adventure. It's a bolt from the blue, not a rational decision. Maybe some married couples succeed in maintaining that intensity, but I suspect they may be the exception. I suspect that these feelings necessarily fade with time and habit, and that other feelings take their place. No-one 'needs' to be married to anyone, in my opinion. I also dispute that there is one particular man (or woman) my wife (or anyone else) is 'meant' to be with. ('Meant' by whom? God? Oprah?) This just doesn't jive with my personal world-view, though you are welcome to your opinion and I thank you for your candor. I mean someone your wife wants to have sex with and someone who wants to have sex with her. You don't want to. Another thing since your daughter is disabled you and your wife could make arrangements so you can see your daughter every day. Your wife may not have a problem with that and will probably need the help. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 My wife has a very well paid job. She says that in the event of a divorce, she could return some money I gave her so I could buy an apartment. You see, your wife has already thought about solutions. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Check back with us after six months of monogamy and MC. Meaningful clarity and/or change takes time. Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
JBelle Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 My wife has a very well paid job. She says that in the event of a divorce, she could return some money I gave her so I could buy an apartment. (I told her I didn’t need or want the money back.) We really have a loving marriage despite our sexual problems. .....Sounds like she's braced herself. The ball is in your court. She's not trying to cling to you; but she's not willing to go through the indignity of her husband with someone else on the side. So your choices are stay or leave. She has laid that out for you to choose. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redsox Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 Stillafool & Jbelle, she definitely does not want me to leave. The money is a tiny amount -I just mentioned it just to illustrate to you that we are on good terms, there is no bitterness, anger etc. Last night we discussed the possibility of each of us seeing other people. In fact, there is a definite spring in her step today and a twinkle in her eye. She has missed out on a lot of experiences in the past and what I am suggesting is a little experimentation within the safety of a marriage. Neither of us is looking to fall in love with someone else with a view to establishing a new marriage. I think we will survive as a couple. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 I wonder if she's already seeing someone I suggest that because I'm reading 'non-sexual, matter of fact, detached' Perhaps I am wrong, but I had a bad feeling when reading your most recent post... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redsox Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 LOL Carhill! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 I can only laugh with you now because the divorce is almost final. I wasn't laughing earlier. LS helped me put a lot of things together. It's a great resource. Hope it works out Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redsox Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 I can only laugh with you now because the divorce is almost final. I wasn't laughing earlier. LS helped me put a lot of things together. It's a great resource. Hope it works out Thanks Carhill. Glad to hear you are getting back on track. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 I wonder if she's already seeing someone I suggest that because I'm reading 'non-sexual, matter of fact, detached' Perhaps I am wrong, but I had a bad feeling when reading your most recent post... I wonder also. So OP what you are saying is you don't like family life, you like being single, you don't care if your wife sleeps with other people, but you don't want to abandon them. Well she has pretty much already said she would help you rent an apartment, I'm sure you would help with the child anyway possible, so what would be the point of you two staying together? Or, are you saying you will be happy living with your wife while both of you sleep with others and not each other? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 About the only thing such an arrangement would've done for stbx and myself was save a ton of money on asset division and property/debt settlement. Otherwise, we've been living that scenario (separately for the last year) and I can see no cogent positives to that arrangement. That's not marriage in my book. Another possibility would be business stability if the OP and his W own a thriving business together and employees depend on them. Breaking up the business to settle out a divorce would be widely injurious. OP, take some time and read up on open marriages here on LS. Crazycatlady just posted a thread on hers recently. Her H was sleeping with her sister. I think you'll find a lot of good feedback which can help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redsox Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 I wonder also. So OP what you are saying is you don't like family life, you like being single, you don't care if your wife sleeps with other people, but you don't want to abandon them. Well she has pretty much already said she would help you rent an apartment, I'm sure you would help with the child anyway possible, so what would be the point of you two staying together? Or, are you saying you will be happy living with your wife while both of you sleep with others and not each other? I don't know how either of us would feel. We might be happy living together while both of us sleep with others and not each other. Or we might also be happy sleeping with each other too. I really don't know. But your scenario of us living close by with me calling in every day to see my daughter -that might as well be living together! What's the point of that? I suppose the point of us staying together is that we get on so well together. We get a kick out of each other. We talk and talk. We joke and flirt. We laugh a lot. We sing and dance. We are very physically affectionate. My wife is a great person to be married to. She is just home from work. She got a serious haircut on the way, and she looks great. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Is her hair noticeably shorter? Like I said, read up on open marriages. Decide, with your wife, if that lifestyle is for you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 But your scenario of us living close by with me calling in every day to see my daughter -that might as well be living together! What's the point of that? The point would be you both would be living on your own to explore other relationships that would be more satisfying to you both. I suppose the point of us staying together is that we get on so well together. We get a kick out of each other. We talk and talk. We joke and flirt. We laugh a lot. We sing and dance. We are very physically affectionate. My wife is a great person to be married to. Redsox you came here to ask questions. If you read your first post and then the above, you will see you have answered them. Good Luck to you both. Link to post Share on other sites
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