What if he says all the right words?

[bestplayer]

Jennie -

 

i think you are absolutely right. afterwards the explanations and apologies from dday paint a much different picture than what it feels while you are living it. unfortunately, that does not negate the pain and confusion that these actions cause. i think that its something you can work through. just may take a little effort.

 

i also think that things are pointing in the right direction. not sure its there yet...and so im wondering if i'll know when its finally the right time to open up again, or if maybe its there and im just scared to take that jump.

 

i realize there are flip-flops. i too am guilty of this.

 

the most important thing in my mind is that if during the affair he would have come to me to tell me he wanted to be with me that i would tell him to address the issues with his wife FIRST. seems they tried to do this. so I dont feel ANY negativity towards this. I'm glad it happened.

 

" ..afterwards the explanations and apologies from dday.."

 

so he apologised for not divorcing his wife just after dday .?

I guess both of u had promised each other about leaving ur marriages during the affair & he didn't keep the promise , right ?

 

I think u both should be thankful that ur affair was exposed , which made it possible for both u to be together.

[Heather1]

Well I'm rooting for your happy ending!! Of course it's going to be a struggle, how could it not? You both decided to end your marriages, because of the marriage & not while you were involved/in contact with each other. Of course there's going to be doubts all the way around. You're doing the right thing by hesitating. Once you're both out of your relationships, I'd cut the guy some slack & start over. You're ending your M with no hope of being with OM. I admire that, you're stronger than you think!!!

[bestplayer]

Well I'm rooting for your happy ending!! Of course it's going to be a struggle, how could it not? You both decided to end your marriages, because of the marriage & not while you were involved/in contact with each other. Of course there's going to be doubts all the way around. You're doing the right thing by hesitating. Once you're both out of your relationships, I'd cut the guy some slack & start over. You're ending your M with no hope of being with OM. I admire that, you're stronger than you think!!!

 

" you both decided to end your marriages, because of the marriage.. "

well I think mbeg didn't have any problems in her marriage , so saying she is ending the marriage because her marriage or husband is the problem is absolutely wrong . she was always willing to accept the mm if he had left his marriage so she does have hopes while ending her marriage .

Edited March 24, 2010 by bestplayer

[Morelikeher]

So his emails are filled with the things ive wanted to hear for a very long time. He says hes sorry. Offers explanations for his throwing me under the bus. Not excuses, hes taking responsibility but explaining his mindset while things were happening. hes asked forgiveness and for a chance. basically...hes said everything i had hoped.

 

but i have yet to respond. or even look his way at work. im not sure if i will.

 

i do have a sort of peace after reading his words. i still would be afraid to trust him until his D is final. afterall, i am well aware of the uncertainty surrounding my own potential divorce.

 

any thoughts here? when do i get to the point i should consider exploring this side of things?

 

i have been NC so long i cannot even remember the last time i spoke to him. this doesnt lessen my feelings one bit for him. i still love who i thought he was during our affair.

 

advice? let me have it.

 

Soooo... I am curious about the bolded part. What explanations did he give? I mean, how do you say you're sorry for throwing someone under the bus? I don't know. I haven't talked to my xMM since 3 weeks after D-day. I would kill to have some kind of explanation for his actions (of throwing me under the bus)

 

I still don't get how you can go from saying you love someone, to nothing. Does not compute.

 

I have been in NC for about 7 months. I will remain that way unless he contacts me. Stay NC...get divorced...let him get divorced. If it's meant to be, it will. Protect yourself - first and foremost! He could still be in flip-flop mode.

[White Flower]

[spark1111/QUOTE]

 

 

 

I think you are smart to remain NC. White Flower is right; his actions will bely his intentions towards you.

 

Stay strong.

Thank you, but I think OWoman deserves credit for saying it.

[White Flower]

 

I think you are smart to remain NC. White Flower is right; his actions will bely his intentions towards you.

 

Stay strong.

 

MBEG - as you know: it's not just about saying all the right words. It's about doing all the right actions.

 

Wait for those - and then decide what you want to do. He has a lot of trust to rebuild with you - that doesn't come quickly or cheaply.

Good advice:):)

[White Flower]

[spark1111/QUOTE]

 

 

 

I think you are smart to remain NC. White Flower is right; his actions will bely his intentions towards you.

 

Stay strong.

Thank you, but I think OWoman deserves credit for saying it.

Perhaps somebody would like to teach me now to multi-quote messages?:o:o

[Spark1111]

Thank you, but I think OWoman deserves credit for saying it.

Perhaps somebody would like to teach me now to multi-quote messages?:o:o

 

Teach me too! Apologies to OWoman!

[jwi71]

Class in session.

There is, next to the "Alert Us" and "Quote" buttons a grey button...has a quotation symbol in it and appears, uh, grey .

 

For each post you wish to multi-quote, click that button which will turn it orange-ish, meaning that post is selected for multi-quote.

 

Select as many as you wish (they're may be a limit, dunno). Then, when done, hit the quote button as usual. You will be presented with a quote containing all the selected multi-quotes (the orange-ish ones).

 

Wallah - done.

 

Class dismissed.

 

Make tuition payments out to jwi71....

[Spark1111]

Class in session.

There is, next to the "Alert Us" and "Quote" buttons a grey button...has a quotation symbol in it and appears, uh, grey .

 

For each post you wish to multi-quote, click that button which will turn it orange-ish, meaning that post is selected for multi-quote.

 

Select as many as you wish (they're may be a limit, dunno). Then, when done, hit the quote button as usual. You will be presented with a quote containing all the selected multi-quotes (the orange-ish ones).

 

Wallah - done.

 

Class dismissed.

 

Okay, it turned orange-y and nothing happened. Let's see.

 

Make tuition payments out to jwi71....

 

Perhaps somebody would like to teach me now to multi-quote messages?:o:o

 

Teach me too! Apologies to OWoman!

[Spark1111]

Teach me too! Apologies to OWoman!

 

jwi.....you are amazing!

[jwi71]

Now I am confused. I understand it to be that MM put one last effort into his marriage only to discover he did not have what it takes to make the marriage work, and this due to having feelings for MBEG.

 

We'll never know. However, I recall a previous thread where MBEG was believing SHE divorced him. This, of course, is a great question for MBEG...who filed? You or your H?

 

Now MM is pursuing MBEG, explaining and apologizing for what happened after Dday.

 

He doesn't want to be alone and is, quite simply, scared. Turning to her because with both families aware of the A, he has no other sympathetic ears. She's the default choice, not the first one. Too many threads where he has made that clear to her - she just doesn't see it. Yet.

 

It looks to me like MM is clearly choosing MBEG.

 

Now. I might agree that NOW he chooses her, but only after his W kicked him out and filed for D. Because prior to getting kicked out...he threw her under the bus with glee.

 

Your MM is still the same guy whom you loved during the affair. He just did what was necessary to survive the impact of Dday. It had nothing to do with his love for you really.

 

Oh J-J...I couldn't disagree more. He didn't do what was necessary to survive D-day...he did what was necessary to SAVE HIS M. Because there are TWO options to "surviving D-day"...one, throw the OW under the bus. OR...file for D and leave the W. Each survives d-day...but his choice shows where his heart lies.

 

MBEG...I WAS serious. Go for it. Go get him.

Because the alternative to NOT trying is worse.

 

Either way, hard and painful lessons for you I think.

[Spark1111]

We'll never know. However, I recall a previous thread where MBEG was believing SHE divorced him. This, of course, is a great question for MBEG...who filed? You or your H?

 

 

 

He doesn't want to be alone and is, quite simply, scared. Turning to her because with both families aware of the A, he has no other sympathetic ears. She's the default choice, not the first one. Too many threads where he has made that clear to her - she just doesn't see it. Yet.

 

 

 

Now. I might agree that NOW he chooses her, but only after his W kicked him out and filed for D. Because prior to getting kicked out...he threw her under the bus with glee.

 

 

 

Oh J-J...I couldn't disagree more. He didn't do what was necessary to survive D-day...he did what was necessary to SAVE HIS M. Because there are TWO options to "surviving D-day"...one, throw the OW under the bus. OR...file for D and leave the W. Each survives d-day...but his choice shows where his heart lies.

 

MBEG...I WAS serious. Go for it. Go get him.

Because the alternative to NOT trying is worse.

 

Either way, hard and painful lessons for you I think.

 

I, as the BS, lived this....and for me and my situation, it rings very, very true.

[georgia girl]

I'm with OWoman and White Flower: until actions match words, then it's just talk.

 

He knows where you are. He knows what to do to make it up to you. He knows what you need to have a relationship with him. If he really wants what he says, he'll prove it to you.

 

Hold out for that. You deserve it and it will make you confident in your relationship. Anything else is just settling.

[White Flower]

Class in session.

There is, next to the "Alert Us" and "Quote" buttons a grey button...has a quotation symbol in it and appears, uh, grey .

 

For each post you wish to multi-quote, click that button which will turn it orange-ish, meaning that post is selected for multi-quote.

 

Select as many as you wish (they're may be a limit, dunno). Then, when done, hit the quote button as usual. You will be presented with a quote containing all the selected multi-quotes (the orange-ish ones).

 

Wallah - done.

 

Class dismissed.

 

Make tuition payments out to jwi71....

 

Teach me too! Apologies to OWoman!

 

 

 

jwi.....you are amazing!

I think I'm in love with Professor Jwi71 because I have passed my exam!!!

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i want to respond to a few things. forgive me if i dont remember who said what. ive got an appointment in a few and so im trying to make this quick.

 

Morelikeher - i would love to respond to the being thrown under the bus thing. i'll work on this later.

 

Ok. as far as my M. Even after all of this I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to stay married to my H. Not because i dont want to be alone. i am not afraid of that. But because I miss him. And its true what everyone said. Had I been able to let go of MM sooner I would have been able to give my marriage a better shot. I couldnt do that, not for lack of effort. I just wasnt ready.

 

My actions changed my H. He became unable to deal with the hurt and anger and was very hateful to me. We decided this wasnt working. We have filed, are going through proceedings. Both openly admit we're not sure if we want this, but think its probably best. It will be a long long time before the divorce. But we are not at the point that we only speak over legal issues. Maybe i'm in denial. maybe i need to let go. its an evolving process.

 

MM - i have always said we werent going to leave our spouses. Admitted that we were cake eaters. We both knew that if a dday occured we wanted to stay in our marriages. We just didnt plan for what that would me. i guess we assummed we would stay cake eaters even after a dday. lord knows thats impossible.

 

She was the one who filed. He said he would never be the one to make the call. He was honest about this. But he also was unwilling to put forth the efforts to save the marriage, told her he was uncertain that he loved her, and never ever stopped contacting me. She filed not even knowing this part of it. And he agrees it was the right thing. He cowardly, let it happen this way because he didnt want to man up and leave her. And he also admits that the life - house, kids, job, friends was never bad. Its just that they didnt have that connection as h/w. thats why he strayed.

 

i am staying NC. we'll see how it goes.