When the handwriting is on the wall

[paperchase]

Let me ask you something, honestly. Is this the type of relationship you want to be in for the long run? When your SO needs space, this is how they treat you? Because you know that if this is to happen again, you will have to go through this same situation aaallll over again.

 

No, this isn't what I want. I want what I had. But in fairness I think most people get meanspirited when they need space and don't get it. The walls are closing in, especially when you want that space to pursue a new relationship. Needing space is ok so long as it doesn't rise to the level of wanting to break up which it has before and seems to be getting to again.

 

Wait.... what?!? Did I miss something? Are you saying that she had a bf while the both of you were together? Or did this happen when you guys were broken up?

 

No, we were "officially" broken up (mind you, we are "officially" together right now) but I was trying to make it work and beating myself up over what I could do better. She said I didn't pay attention to her needs, wasn't romantic enough, but that wasn't really the issue in hindsight. While I was working to save us, she was lining up my replacement.

 

Eventually she pulled very far away and made me a low priority so I should have known, but she didn't clue me in until I confronted her one day by surprise and definitely led me on a bit. We spent New Years Eve together; had sex and everything then on 2/3 she told me she had another man. Not my finest moment. I went limited NC then total NC pretty much after that. I was devastated.

 

Isn't that what you are giving her already though? Space? I thought the both of you weren't seeing eachother as much already? What are you going to do now? Completely remove yourself?

 

Yeah, I'm giving her some space. There are a few factors that may have contributed to increased space though. At one point she was looking for a new place to live so she stayed with me every day for a few months. That was until January of this year. Then she got her new place and I got a new place too so she stayed with me about 85% of the time. She had a key to my new place for the first few weeks, but once she got her own place I took it back because I had hoped we might live together and we she decided not to, I didn't think she needed a key. She wanted space and I didn't want her to have her cake and eat it too.

 

So now we are together maybe 3-4 out of every 7 days. We go to fine restaurants, see great shows and do amazing things, but there is emotional space between us and sex is something I initiate for the most part. We do cuddle at night; she does lay on my chest but when we talk she's not always looking at me and the sweet talk has been reduced. Also, it seems like I always have to ask if she is coming over. It's like she won't initiate or suggest it. And then ever so often she makes some indication that our relationship is rocky or something else foreboding.

 

As far as her interest level goes, it sounds to me like she can't keep it high enough to last awhile before her 'interest level' crashes back down again. Has she given you reasons as to why she needs this space? Or is it just because she isn't feeling the relationship like she used to?

 

Her interest level stays high for about a year. Well maybe 10 months and she only communicates the lower level at the year mark. But when I say a year, I mean almost to the day! It's cyclical like bi-polar or like seasonal depression. From what I've been told, she's never loved anyone as much as me or had her interest held for as long.

 

The initial reason she gave me for the break-up this time was that she wanted to be 23, go out with her friends and not feel guilty, date other people, etc. I guess she felt crowded because we had a fall out a month or so earlier over New Year's Eve when she decided to spend it with her GF's in another city and only told me at the last minute. Claims she didn't want to tell me earlier because she knew I'd be upset. I was upset because we spent X-mas together and it was a forgone conclusion that we'd do NYE like in the past. A year ago, she began to assert her independence the same way by suddenly taking lots of trips with her friends and going to parties, etc.

 

She also said as an explanation that while she could picture a future with me and marriage and kids, she wouldn't be happy. That hurt. So I said I understood and to go be free, then she changed her tune and expressed confusion and said forget it. Then a few days later in anger she said something to the effect of I don't think we should be together. She wanted us both to state what we didn't like about the relationship.

 

Her stated problems were my age, that I was married and that I have two kids who sometimes visit. I can't change any of this and these issues are nothing new, but she has been getting a lot of pressure from her mom and friends none of whom support our relationship. She says she's been fighting them for so long and she wishes they accepted us. She needs public approval much more than I do.

 

It doesn't matter who breaks it off, NC would be appropriate. You need to heal after the break up happens, regardless of who ends up pulling the plug.

 

Got it.

 

I don't agree with this. Personally, I believe that if you are in a relationship, you need to be giving it 100%. If there ever comes a time where you feel as though you need to detach yourself from the relationship, then it's time to break up. I don't believe in 'one foot in the door, the other out' concept. But, that's just me.

 

You are right but most people I find treat relationships like cars. They don't trade in one mate until they have secured another.

 

I could be wrong, but I honestly don't see you sticking around just because there's no where else to go. I see you sticking around because you love her. Because you really want this to work. If I thought for one second it was because you were afraid of being alone, I wouldn't bother.

 

You are right. I do love her and I really want it to work. At the same time I have my doubts and the issues she raises are real and the fact that she has pushed me away in the past leaves me feeling very vulnerable and not secure.

Like I said earlier, everyone has different needs and wants. Maybe she isn't ready to settle down. Maybe she isn't ready for a mature relationship. I'm about to be 23, and I can tell you that I am ready to settle down. I would never run from something that I honestly believed could make me happy. But, that's just me. And what it basically comes down to, is what you need and want, and are ready for. If this isn't it, then no matter how much you love her, it'll never work.

 

It sucks because she was so ready to settle down at one point that I had to slow up the train. She was talking when she wanted to be married and have kids, etc. Maybe she still wants that but not with me. It's hard to say.

 

Thanks so much for all the attention you have paid to my situation. This is a great forum and you are very kind.

[EricaH329]

No, this isn't what I want. I want what I had. But in fairness I think most people get meanspirited when they need space and don't get it. The walls are closing in, especially when you want that space to pursue a new relationship. Needing space is ok so long as it doesn't rise to the level of wanting to break up which it has before and seems to be getting to again.

 

I do agree with you, that people can get meanspirited if they aren't allowed the space they need. But if she needed more space from you, wouldn't it be easier to just say so when you ask to hang out? Instead of getting grouchy and mean?

 

If I may ask, how long has this been going on? This whole space thing? From your post, i'm getting the sense that it's been since New Years? That's an awful long time for someone to need space. I mean, what has that been, 3 months already? Aren't you tired of it? It's gotten past the point of her needing space, and into the point of stringing you along.

 

No, we were "officially" broken up (mind you, we are "officially" together right now) but I was trying to make it work and beating myself up over what I could do better. She said I didn't pay attention to her needs, wasn't romantic enough, but that wasn't really the issue in hindsight. While I was working to save us, she was lining up my replacement.

 

Eventually she pulled very far away and made me a low priority so I should have known, but she didn't clue me in until I confronted her one day by surprise and definitely led me on a bit. We spent New Years Eve together; had sex and everything then on 2/3 she told me she had another man. Not my finest moment. I went limited NC then total NC pretty much after that. I was devastated.

 

Oh goodness, that's not right at all! I'm sorry she put you through that. I can't imagine how that must have made you feel!

 

Yeah, I'm giving her some space. There are a few factors that may have contributed to increased space though. At one point she was looking for a new place to live so she stayed with me every day for a few months. That was until January of this year. Then she got her new place and I got a new place too so she stayed with me about 85% of the time. She had a key to my new place for the first few weeks, but once she got her own place I took it back because I had hoped we might live together and we she decided not to, I didn't think she needed a key. She wanted space and I didn't want her to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Hmmm, so she needed space because the two of you lived together for a few months? What would happen if you actually settled down with her? This raises some major red flags to me. I don't mean to be so negative about her, but nothing she is doing is leading me to believe that she is actually in this for the long-haul. Nor does it make me believe that she is actually ready for something serious.

 

Her interest level stays high for about a year. Well maybe 10 months and she only communicates the lower level at the year mark. But when I say a year, I mean almost to the day! It's cyclical like bi-polar or like seasonal depression. From what I've been told, she's never loved anyone as much as me or had her interest held for as long.

 

The initial reason she gave me for the break-up this time was that she wanted to be 23, go out with her friends and not feel guilty, date other people, etc. I guess she felt crowded because we had a fall out a month or so earlier over New Year's Eve when she decided to spend it with her GF's in another city and only told me at the last minute. Claims she didn't want to tell me earlier because she knew I'd be upset. I was upset because we spent X-mas together and it was a forgone conclusion that we'd do NYE like in the past. A year ago, she began to assert her independence the same way by suddenly taking lots of trips with her friends and going to parties, etc.

 

So because she loves you so much, she would rather go out and party instead of settling down with you? I'm confused? I don't doubt that you are the first person she's ever loved, but if she is putting herself first, then she still needs a ton of time to grow up.

 

If she hasn't experienced going out and partying when she was younger, she will definitely want to do it now. That's something you are either going to have to live with, or decide you want a more mature person to be with.

 

She also said as an explanation that while she could picture a future with me and marriage and kids, she wouldn't be happy. That hurt. So I said I understood and to go be free, then she changed her tune and expressed confusion and said forget it. Then a few days later in anger she said something to the effect of I don't think we should be together. She wanted us both to state what we didn't like about the relationship.

 

Her stated problems were my age, that I was married and that I have two kids who sometimes visit. I can't change any of this and these issues are nothing new, but she has been getting a lot of pressure from her mom and friends none of whom support our relationship. She says she's been fighting them for so long and she wishes they accepted us. She needs public approval much more than I do.

 

This is yet another major red flag. She is insecure about your age, past, and the fact that you have children. None of which you can do absolutely anything about. What happens when you turn 45 and she's 32? Will she want someone more her age? Will she want someone who has never been married before, or has ever had children? Neither of you are getting any younger.

 

Also, the need for public approval can be a huuuuge deal breaker. If she's acting this way already because of the way her mom and friends feel, I doubt they will change their mind about it. It'll become just a nagging fight between them constantly over the next couple of years. I don't think she's going to stick around for much longer, i'm sorry to say. You need a woman, not a confused 20-something girl.

 

You are right but most people I find treat relationships like cars. They don't trade in one mate until they have secured another.

 

Unfortunately, i've noticed this too. A lot of people will put their own happiness on the line and stay in an unhealthy relationship, instead of going out and finding their own happiness. It's a terrible cycle to remain in.

 

You are right. I do love her and I really want it to work. At the same time I have my doubts and the issues she raises are real and the fact that she has pushed me away in the past leaves me feeling very vulnerable and not secure.

 

And you have every right to feel vulnerable and insecure. I would feel the same way! And I think anyone else would also.

 

It sucks because she was so ready to settle down at one point that I had to slow up the train. She was talking when she wanted to be married and have kids, etc. Maybe she still wants that but not with me. It's hard to say.

 

She thought she was so ready to settle down. That phase always comes at some point when you aren't truly ready for it.

 

I don't believe (from what you've told me so far) that she is ready to settle down with anyone. I think she wants to go out and have her fun. Which is great, but if she can't find a way to balance you and having fun, then she just isn't ready for a relationship.

 

Thanks so much for all the attention you have paid to my situation. This is a great forum and you are very kind.

 

You are very welcome! That's what we are here for! I only wish I could make you see that you deserve so much better. A man that listens, and cares to what their SO is thinking and doing, is one in a million. Don't change that about yourself.

[paperchase]

... If I may ask, how long has this been going on? This whole space thing? From your post, i'm getting the sense that it's been since New Years? That's an awful long time for someone to need space. I mean, what has that been, 3 months already? Aren't you tired of it? It's gotten past the point of her needing space, and into the point of stringing you along.

 

For about three months we were in a very small loft and it was crowded with me her and my two kids who sometimes visited. I moved mid January, 2010 and she moved with me temporarily bc she still hadn't found a place. She moved out in February. She was actually being clingy when I first moved. We had discussed moving together and we couldn't agree on the arrangements. Mostly, she wanted to know what it meant and whether it was "our place" or my place and the kids. She was non-committal and I held the offer out there. When I made arrangements to move without her, she was shocked. She signed a short 6 mo lease saying we could revisit living together at the end. I'd say she's been pulling away noticeably the last month. It started with a trip in February with her friends to which I was sorta invited then uninvited.

 

 

If she hasn't experienced going out and partying when she was younger, she will definitely want to do it now. That's something you are either going to have to live with, or decide you want a more mature person to be with.

 

The funny thing is she's told me before that she missed out on her senior year of college catering to my needs and that she's missed out on partying with her friends, but I don't get it. She goes back home several times a year, she's gone to Florida on spring break, Las Vegas with her best friend. She's in a sorority and she's been in events they hold which require lots of planning and practice.

 

 

This is yet another major red flag. She is insecure about your age, past, and the fact that you have children. None of which you can do absolutely anything about. What happens when you turn 45 and she's 32? Will she want someone more her age? Will she want someone who has never been married before, or has ever had children? Neither of you are getting any younger.

 

I feel like by 32 our age won't be an issue. It's not an issue for anyone who doesn't know. We go out and we both get carded. I don't get the dirty old man look because I look surprisingly young. She definitely wants to be married before 30 and at one time she said by 26 and to me.

 

Also, the need for public approval can be a huuuuge deal breaker. If she's acting this way already because of the way her mom and friends feel, I doubt they will change their mind about it. It'll become just a nagging fight between them constantly over the next couple of years. I don't think she's going to stick around for much longer, i'm sorry to say. You need a woman, not a confused 20-something girl.

 

I feel like this is the biggest obstacle because if her friends approved she would have no doubt about us. I wish she wasn't so heavily influenced by the opinions of others but I recognize it is challenging for her to overcome this. I don't argue against it because I don't want to push her away. I do need a real woman and I thought it was her..I wish it were her. Your statement that she's probably gone is true and hard to accept.

 

 

I don't believe (from what you've told me so far) that she is ready to settle down with anyone. I think she wants to go out and have her fun. Which is great, but if she can't find a way to balance you and having fun, then she just isn't ready for a relationship.

 

You may be right. My perspective is different. Sometimes I think she's not ready, but then I see her as someone who needs a relationship at all times and has a fairy tale view of love involving white picket fences and 2.5 kids. During one rocky patch she stated that I had wasted 2 years of her life and how she wanted to get married. I think she's just made a decision that although wanting to settle down, I'm not the one for her. That sucks.

 

 

A man that listens, and cares to what their SO is thinking and doing, is one in a million. Don't change that about yourself.

 

Thanks. I couldn't change that about myself even if I wanted to. lol!

[stillafool]

You are in love with this girl and she seems to love you. Why are you breaking up if neither of you seem to want to? What happened?

Edited March 23, 2010 by stillafool
misspelled word

[EricaH329]

Well it sounds to me like you've made your mind up already about this. You are going to stick through this, and try to make this work. You do know a lot more about her than I do, all I can give advice on is my own personal experience and my perceptions of her.

 

For your sake, I really do hope she changes and things go differently for the both of you. Either way, please update us and let us know how things are going.

[paperchase]

You are in love with this girl and she seems to love you. Why are you breaking up if neither of you seem to want to? What happened?

 

 

We do love each other but she's pulling away and I'm not sure what to do. She's expressed a desire to break up but then changed her mind. We are still intimate but a bit less so and we still spend time together, but not quite as much. Sometimes she's loving and sometimes distant. I've seen this pattern before and it's not good. The reasons she's given are the same ones she raised with a therapist a year ago.

 

She doesn't think we should be together but doesn't want/or can't break up. She's said more than once that she doesn't know what it is about me but she can't get over me. That was in response to coming back for a "second chance" and even now not being able to let go. I obviously don't want to break up but I don't want to be a fool either. I don't want to let her wean herself off me while I get more and more attached.

 

I wish I could salvage this. It's hanging by a thread but we haven't officially ended things so there's a glimmer of hope.

[paperchase]

Well it sounds to me like you've made your mind up already about this. You are going to stick through this, and try to make this work. You do know a lot more about her than I do, all I can give advice on is my own personal experience and my perceptions of her.

 

For your sake, I really do hope she changes and things go differently for the both of you. Either way, please update us and let us know how things are going.

 

 

Yeah, I know I'm a mess. I will stick it out until something happens where my pride says no. If she lashes out again or breaks a date, etc. then I'm going to put us both out of our misery. The last few days have been better, although we haven't resolved anything. But no arguments, mellow, no fireworks or passion but quiet times and intimacy. I will definitely keep you updated. You have been beyond patient and helpful. Cheers!

[EricaH329]

Yeah, I know I'm a mess. I will stick it out until something happens where my pride says no. If she lashes out again or breaks a date, etc. then I'm going to put us both out of our misery. The last few days have been better, although we haven't resolved anything. But no arguments, mellow, no fireworks or passion but quiet times and intimacy. I will definitely keep you updated. You have been beyond patient and helpful. Cheers!

 

Oh hun, who isn't a mess when it comes to the person they love??

 

I am telling you these things because I used to feel the same way you do. I would stick it out with my ex, through everything he put me through (3 breakups on his part, the final one on mine), and I know what it's like.

 

I know how it feels to love someone so much, that you would do anything to move passed their rollercoaster of emotions and actions.

 

I just hope that this works out for the both of you in the end.

[stillafool]

I say come clean with her tonight. Just tell her you love her and don't want to break up and ask if she feels the same way. Ask her what she wants. Don't let your pride stand in the way. You will regret it.

[northstar1]

EricaH329,

 

Thanks so much for your perspective. You seem like a very considerate woman. My needs do matter but when in love sometimes we compromise more than we should. The relationship wasn't always one-sided though in her favor. There was a time when she really catered to my needs too, she feels at the expense of her own. We are talking over a year ago though.

 

Right now she's definitely putting me through it and I'm hurting bad. But I've been here before and when she finally pulled the plug last time the pain was much worse than not knowing. I don't think it will be as bad this time because I'm not in denial like I was then. I was desperately clinging on and pretty much trying to convince her to stay. Even after we were officially broken up, I thought we were working things out until one day, after she kept avoiding coming over and sex had stopped, I confirmed that she had replaced me. I was devastated.

 

Right now, after a weekend together, I see her avoiding making plans and being non-committal again so the weaning process is definitely underway.

I feel for you mate, I do. I can see how much you care for this girl.

 

However, I've been in your shoes in regards to dating a girl in her mid 20's who is flighty and uncertain. It really seems like you are in two different places in life, and that common ground is hard to find.

 

I would hope you find a resolution soon - because you don't want to be in this holding pattern, being the worst case scenerio that she is distancing herself because she's keeping you around until she either meets someone new, or just finally ends it.

[paperchase]

I just got a message to the effect of "I'm having such mixed feelings. I'm crazy about you and love you and then wonder if we should be together. I don't like feeling like this. I know I have flaws and I know I'm not easy to deal with. What do you think we should do?"

 

I said "I appreciate your feelings. I think we should talk tonight" She agreed. Said she's going to leave work and have some time to think then come to my house. I'm nervous and don't know what to say or do.

 

I really just wanted to listen but I think she's trying to resolve this tonight. We had a nice day of chatting and what night with pleasantries.

 

Help?

[northstar1]

I just got a message to the effect of "I'm having such mixed feelings. I'm crazy about you and love you and then wonder if we should be together. I don't like feeling like this. I know I have flaws and I know I'm not easy to deal with. What do you think we should do?"

 

I said "I appreciate your feelings. I think we should talk tonight" She agreed. Said she's going to leave work and have some time to think then come to my house. I'm nervous and don't know what to say or do.

 

I really just wanted to listen but I think she's trying to resolve this tonight. We had a nice day of chatting and what night with pleasantries.

 

Help?

 

What do you want? Do you think she is going to committ to you fully and no more push/pull? You need to ask yourself what it is that is acceptable to you for a relationship and if you can see this working out long term, not for a few weeks/months.

 

Be honest, tell her your feelings, and what you want and expect from a relationship. You should have a clear idea of where the relationship stands at the end, no more vagueries.

[paperchase]

I say come clean with her tonight. Just tell her you love her and don't want to break up and ask if she feels the same way. Ask her what she wants. Don't let your pride stand in the way. You will regret it.

 

She knows I love her and don't want to break up. I've told her this but also said that I understand she has a range of emotions and might need to do some exploring at 24. I think if I put the full press on her, it will scare her away. I'm not trying to pressure her one way or the other but of course I would like to know where we stand.

[paperchase]

What do you want? Do you think she is going to committ to you fully and no more push/pull? You need to ask yourself what it is that is acceptable to you for a relationship and if you can see this working out long term, not for a few weeks/months.

 

Be honest, tell her your feelings, and what you want and expect from a relationship. You should have a clear idea of where the relationship stands at the end, no more vagueries.

 

I don't know if she can commit fully. She's never committed with anyone longer than with me and she has waffled twice now. It is not acceptable to me. At the same time, I don't think I have the leverage to throw down the gauntlet right now. If we are to work out, it's going to take time and probably counseling because she has to work through some of her issues with me once and for all. She can't make up her mind and then be persuaded by those outside our relationship.

[northstar1]

I don't know if she can commit fully. She's never committed with anyone longer than with me and she has waffled twice now. It is not acceptable to me. At the same time, I don't think I have the leverage to throw down the gauntlet right now. If we are to work out, it's going to take time and probably counseling because she has to work through some of her issues with me once and for all. She can't make up her mind and then be persuaded by those outside our relationship.

 

It's not about leverage man. It's about respect - of you and your time. If she can't commit, then she is wasting your time, and ultimately you are as well.

 

Relationships have to work on respect and you need to be clear on what you want. Don't just accept whatever vague promises she may give.

 

She's either all in our all out. Be true to yourself. Why accept something other than what you want dude.

[threebyfate]

It's not about leverage man. It's about respect - of you and your time. If she can't commit, then she is wasting your time, and ultimately you are as well.

 

Relationships have to work on respect and you need to be clear on what you want. Don't just accept whatever vague promises she may give.

 

She's either all in our all out. Be true to yourself. Why accept something other than what you want dude.

paperchase, are you listening? You're spending too much time worried about losing her. You should be spending more time worried about what YOU need in a relationship, and it's blatantly obvious she's not meeting your needs.

[just1guy]

I really do hope that your talk will give you a resolution, because as I stated earlier, I did the same thing and in the end, she left me. The sad thing is, she had left out of town during the summer to visit a "friend" and came back a totally different person. At that moment, I should have read the writing on the wall, but stuck around for 4 more months. My ex was also 24 and even after two years, she stuck around only until she found someone else.

 

I was madly in love with her so I sacrificed what I wanted to keep the relationship alive, and in the end, it wasn't enough. I was ready to take her distance with a blind hope that she'd come back around. I, too, was also scared to lose her, so I focused too much on that aspect, instead of telling her what was really going on.

 

Even after three months of NC, I'm still not 100% over her and have some really bad days, and I don't want to read the same thing happening to someone else. Unlike you, I didn't get the right advice, but you have a chance to resolve it with all the advice that you're given here, so think and say what you need to say.

 

Good luck, man.

[paperchase]

I really do hope that your talk will give you a resolution, because as I stated earlier, I did the same thing and in the end, she left me. The sad thing is, she had left out of town during the summer to visit a "friend" and came back a totally different person. At that moment, I should have read the writing on the wall, but stuck around for 4 more months. My ex was also 24 and even after two years, she stuck around only until she found someone else.

 

I was madly in love with her so I sacrificed what I wanted to keep the relationship alive, and in the end, it wasn't enough. I was ready to take her distance with a blind hope that she'd come back around. I, too, was also scared to lose her, so I focused too much on that aspect, instead of telling her what was really going on.

 

Even after three months of NC, I'm still not 100% over her and have some really bad days, and I don't want to read the same thing happening to someone else. Unlike you, I didn't get the right advice, but you have a chance to resolve it with all the advice that you're given here, so think and say what you need to say.

 

Good luck, man.

 

I am sorry for the pain you're dealing with. I was is the deepest sadness I can recall just a year ago when this woman last left me. That time I sped up the break up because when there was a shift in her attitude, I called her on it and turned the heat up. I panicked and got clingy. I made demands and sought immediate answers. I couldn't understand how I went from being her everything to a super low priority. Then when I realized I had no leverage, I begged and pleaded and accommodated until she just slammed the proverbial door. After losing face I went NC and she came back begging in about a month. Fast forward a year.

 

I'm trying to do things differently this time, but the advice I'm getting is to make demands and seek resolution. I really don't want to resolve things tonight because I don't think they can be resolved that quickly. I wouldn't mind taking things slow if it meant we were both sincerely evaluating a relationship together as opposed to biding time or stringing one another along.

 

I agree with trialbyfire who said it's about what I want. It is and what I want is her but not in the form she's giving me. The ambivalence, waffling, hot cold that won't work. So maybe the answer is I tell her we both need time to sort out our feelings. This is so hard to make sense of. The situation seems so delicate. I don't want to obsess about losing her but I don't want to drive her away either.

Edited March 24, 2010 by paperchase

[paperchase]

So we talked and much was said but little was resolved. I can elaborate if anyone is interested.

Edited March 24, 2010 by paperchase

[paperchase]

Well, the hammer was dropped last night. I got dumped. It's official. She came over. We had dinner. We watched TV. We made love. It was really tough. She just wanted to be free, free from our relationship, free to be 23. She didn't want the responsibility of kids or anything so grown up. I cried a bit. Haven't done so in a very long time...years. I didn't beg. Maybe plead a little but not much. She told me she loves me. She told me her [anatomy] was mine as we made love. She asked if I wanted to see a movie with her the following week. I said as her boyfriend only. She was kind and sometimes impatient. She really didn't want me to do much talking or say anything to persuade her.

 

I asked why come over to spend the night to do this. She said she wanted to go out on a high note. She kissed me goodbye in the morning and said we'll talk later today. About what? I don't know if now is the time for no contact. I don't know if I owe her an explanation should I go radio silent. I'm hurting, but a part of me is relieved to no longer be in limbo. Her alleged reason for leaving is nothing I can change so that's a little reassuring I guess. It's going to be tough without her because for two years she is all I've known.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you are in pain. The best and only thing you can do now for yourself is to go full and hard NC. You can't be friends with this girl and you can't allow her to use you. You will start to feel used if you try to keep a friendship and have her running in and out of your life, doing favors for her, hearing updates about her life, etc., nah, you've got to let her go. I'm sure I don't have to tell you this.

 

What was it about her that made you love her?

[EricaH329]

She asked if I wanted to see a movie with her the following week.

I asked why come over to spend the night to do this. She said she wanted to go out on a high note. She kissed me goodbye in the morning and said we'll talk later today. About what?

 

Basically about how she wants to keep you around so she can have her cake and eat it too. Because that's what she is doing. She wants you in her life, she wants all of the perks about you... but doesn't want anything to do with what she considers 'negative'. She gets to have what she wants from you, without having to put in a commitment.

 

I don't know if now is the time for no contact.

 

Then when? Maybe after you've made love a few more times, hung out and have become more emotionally attached? She has told you that she doesn't want anything serious with you. I think now is the perfect time to go NC. Allow yourself to heal, and give her the chance to realize that she can't have any of you without having all of you. Period.

 

I'm hurting, but a part of me is relieved to no longer be in limbo.

 

It is bittersweet, isn't it?

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know that it's tough. But this is the most crucial point right now. You need to find that self-respect we talked about earlier, dig it back up, and allow that to fuel your actions from this point on. You need to stick to your guns. She cannot continue to put you through misery, which is exactly what she will be doing if you allow her to stay in your life. She did this to you. Not the other way around. And even though she dropped the hammer, you don't have to stick around in pain. Go to the hospital, recover.

 

I want you to seriously remember this phrase: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Do not allow her to make a fool out of you any longer. You are too good for that.

[northstar1]

 

Sorry to hear this man. At least you know where you stand.

 

Well, the hammer was dropped last night. I got dumped. It's official. She came over. We had dinner. We watched TV. We made love. It was really tough. She just wanted to be free, free from our relationship, free to be 23. She didn't want the responsibility of kids or anything so grown up. I cried a bit. Haven't done so in a very long time...years. I didn't beg. Maybe plead a little but not much..

 

 

She is selfish. It's all about her and what she wants, wanted to come over and enjoy herself one last time, to hell with your feelings and emotions.

 

 

She told me she loves me. She told me her [anatomy] was mine as we made love

 

 

This helps you how? Her [anatomy] is yours? At least for the next hour. That is immature teasing.

 

 

 

She asked if I wanted to see a movie with her the following week. I said as her boyfriend only. She was kind and sometimes impatient. She really didn't want me to do much talking or say anything to persuade her.

 

Again, selfish. She breaks up with you and then wants to hang out as friends. This girl is young and immature to think everything can be friendly a week later. This right here speaks of her age.

 

I asked why come over to spend the night to do this. She said she wanted to go out on a high note. She kissed me goodbye in the morning and said we'll talk later today

 

She is emotionally detached. To her, you are just a FWB now. She can have fun, do her own thing and then call you up like a friend.

Screw that, if she breaks up with you, she doesn't get access to you on any level.

 

 

. About what? I don't know if now is the time for no contact.

 

Ocourse it is!!! This is the best time. She broke up with you. She is 23 and fickle and doesn't know what she wants, other than it isn't a committment to you!!

 

NC is the only option. Don't be that guy who still hangs around in the shadows, while she traipses in and out of your life with reckless abandon, using you when she feels like it.

 

 

 

. I don't know if I owe her an explanation should I go radio silent. I'm hurting, but a part of me is relieved to no longer be in limbo. Her alleged reason for leaving is nothing I can change so that's a little reassuring I guess. It's going to be tough without her because for two years she is all I've known.

 

Silence. 100% Silence.

 

Look man, I went through the same battle. Dated a girl her age, who was a decade younger. You might have trivial things in common (movies, humour, food, sex, whatever), but you don't have goals or priorities in common. That is what ultimately led to the downfall for us. She "loved me" but wanted to travel the world. At that age, people want to experience life, travel, be single, party, date lots, they don't want to be in a long term relationship that puts them on a singular path to marriage/house/kids. It's not a reflection of you Paper, it's just how it goes.

 

 

You wanted a solid, relationship that will lead to something permanent. She wanted someone who was there when she wanted it. She doesn't want serious, she doesn't want the burden of having the harder things in life thrust upon her quite yet.

 

Stay strong and close it down and don't allow her to keep you in the background. You owe yourself more respect then that.

 

.

Edited March 26, 2010 by northstar1

[paperchase]

Ok, no contact it is. Just got a bbm saying "I don't think I'll ever find a love like ours." What is the point of telling me that after walking away? Clearly it's a lie because you don't leave something you don't think you can improve. Torture. I shouldn't have even opened it because now she knows I read it by the little check mark that appears which is a semi-form of contact/communication.

 

She is toying with me, though. I mean for the past two months we have gone to concerts, shows, restaurants, etc. She introduced me to her dad who loved me. I went to her birthday party and met all her friends and co-workers. Now this?

 

Clearly she isn't ready for the responsibilities I have, but at the same time it's so confusing because she used to want to talk about marriage and having babies with me. She used to ask for a time line and show concern that I might really not want to remarry and have more kids, even recently. That's what makes it so hard to understand where her head it sometimes.

[paperchase]

Basically about how she wants to keep you around so she can have her cake and eat it too. Because that's what she is doing. She wants you in her life, she wants all of the perks about you... but doesn't want anything to do with what she considers 'negative'. She gets to have what she wants from you, without having to put in a commitment.

 

 

 

Then when? Maybe after you've made love a few more times, hung out and have become more emotionally attached? She has told you that she doesn't want anything serious with you. I think now is the perfect time to go NC. Allow yourself to heal, and give her the chance to realize that she can't have any of you without having all of you. Period.

 

 

 

It is bittersweet, isn't it?

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know that it's tough. But this is the most crucial point right now. You need to find that self-respect we talked about earlier, dig it back up, and allow that to fuel your actions from this point on. You need to stick to your guns. She cannot continue to put you through misery, which is exactly what she will be doing if you allow her to stay in your life. She did this to you. Not the other way around. And even though she dropped the hammer, you don't have to stick around in pain. Go to the hospital, recover.

 

I want you to seriously remember this phrase: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Do not allow her to make a fool out of you any longer. You are too good for that.

 

You are right. Now is the time. Otherwise this will drag on for another month or two with me getting increasingly frustrated about the change in our relationship. I really wish I was over her because I'd like to be able to not go NC. Not really because I value her friendship, but because I believe NC will make her chase and I don't know how strong I can be in fending her off. I mean the last time I didn't go for bread crumbs. She came banging down my door and got on bended knee and said she wanted to marry me and have my babies. She even agreed to counseling and here we are again.