White Flower Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 another thing is sexual addiction has NOTHING to do with finding intimacy. The addict is filling a void with a drug (sex) usually has to do with the past...molestation, emotional neglect, physical or sexual abuse. Please please PLEASE....don't make assumtions on something if you have no experience with it... I hear people spout off the same things I thought when my H was an addict and I find it hurtful. sorry to threadjack...just had to get that out there BlueeyedJonesy, perhaps we are reading different books on the subject. Yes the addict is filling a void with a drug but once he has identified that he is an addict he has to go back to living a normal life with sex. How does he know when sex is good for him and not a drug? Carnes says intimacy disrupts the addictive cycle, and he is talking about revealing himself completely with the full risk of rejection and being accepted anyway. That is how the sex addict knows he is not using sex as a drug. If this is not how your H overcame SA then tell us how he did.Is he in a 12 step program? I'm sure your H's experience in being victorious over SA will help crackinup. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 Please please PLEASE....don't make assumtions on something if you have no experience with it... I hear people spout off the same things I thought when my H was an addict and I find it hurtful. sorry to threadjack...just had to get that out there No, don't think this is a tj as crackin might be able to use some of this stuff.... BEJ...my exH was a SA also...I mean it was bad...I know this is a very sensitive issue for you...it was for me at the time too. I did a lot of research at that time, but forgot most of it. ExDM was an SA also. Anyway my heart goes out to to CU and you (BEJ)...SA is becoming more and more common, the exposure is far greater than even a decade ago...(((((huggggs))))) to all suffering through this.... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 BlueeyedJonesy, perhaps we are reading different books on the subject. Yes the addict is filling a void with a drug but once he has identified that he is an addict he has to go back to living a normal life with sex. How does he know when sex is good for him and not a drug? Carnes says intimacy disrupts the addictive cycle, and he is talking about revealing himself completely with the full risk of rejection and being accepted anyway. That is how the sex addict knows he is not using sex as a drug. If this is not how your H overcame SA then tell us how he did.Is he in a 12 step program? I'm sure your H's experience in being victorious over SA will help crackinup. I was going to communicate the same to BEJ as I have read this book also, but it's getting late and have been dealing with so many issues in my own life today...so communication is not my strong point right now... Possibly this is not the truth although in personal experience have found SA to vary in the degree of the addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 I was going to communicate the same to BEJ as I have read this book also, but it's getting late and have been dealing with so many issues in my own life today...so communication is not my strong point right now... Possibly this is not the truth although in personal experience have found SA to vary in the degree of the addiction. It IS the truth. Carnes states that there are three levels of SA. Many cheating MM fall into the first level which is so hard to diagnose because society tends to pat these men on the back for being the rascal, the go-getter, the stud. He may have bragging rights but deep down he wonders if he's crazy. This kind of addict can live with the addiction for years breaking many hearts including his own. Many BS never even know who they're living with as their co-dependency leads them to bury their head in the sand oftentimes. Levels two and three of SA include harming themselves as well as others. These types often end up in jail and have rap sheets a mile long. These are also the kinds you see in documentaries who will have indiscriminate sex in seedy motels and risking their health in the process. My guess is crackinup is a level one sex addict as he questions his own sanity and clearly wants help. Link to post Share on other sites
DeepThinker01 Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 It sounds like you are having a tough time but I have to admit that when I read your post I did get disgusted.. only because I went through something similar.. although I was in the receiving end. I can't imagine how your wife feels... and how your daughter will feel once she learns about this. I just hope you leave both of them for their sake, and stop being so selfish. You deserve your new girl just as much as your wife deserves to leave you. Tell her everything. Don't hold anything back. Don't lie anymore. Don't try sugarcoating anything. Be straightforward and honest. Get some counseling, and either stay with the girl you're with or find someone else.. because trust me, your wife will never forgive you. She will remind you years from now of what you did. It's best to start clean with someone new .. just don't fall into the same traps you did with your wife. It's unfair that she built a life with you and was betrayed only for you to change for someone else's benefit.. but it will not work with her. You ruined that chance. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 I think its time you man up let your wife know whats happened so you can possiably worrk this out .if the wife finds out on her own its much worse then tell the ow to take a hike shes blackmailing you and you are letting her.good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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