Can your partner make you happier?

[ADF]

Of course a partner can make you happier. As can friends, family, and co-workers. It is human nature to find happiness with others. This notion that we are all "responsible" for our own happiness, that it is all about what is in ourselves, is just a bunch of New Age rubbish. It sounds wise, but it isn't. It's stupid.

[mem11363]

I can function by myself - and am fine - but I am not truly truly happy unless I am with someone. With that said - I would rather be alone than with someone I am not into. It took me a long time to find my keeper and before her life simply was not the same.....

 

 

I saw it mentioned on another thread that happiness cannot be found in another person if we are not already happy ourselves.

 

I believe it is true. Yet, we CAN enjoy our life and be happier with a partner in it, who enhances our own happiness and makes it that much better. If that weren't true, there would be no coupling, no need for M, and no need to cohabitate, right?

 

Yet, this line of thinking suggests that we should be perfect as loners, never needing anyone else to add to our life experience.

 

At what point do we know we are complete by ourselves and not seeking happiness outside of ourselves? And if our partner makes us happy(ier), how much happier are we feeling if we are already happy within?

 

OPs, MPs, and any person who has found happiness in a R feel free to respond. I am not looking for conversation in just the affair sense, but in a relationship sense.

 

 

*Other terms for happiness are whole and complete.

[White Flower]

Of course a partner can make you happier. As can friends, family, and co-workers. It is human nature to find happiness with others. This notion that we are all "responsible" for our own happiness, that it is all about what is in ourselves, is just a bunch of New Age rubbish. It sounds wise, but it isn't. It's stupid.

I'm not so sure it's stupid but I will admit to feeling better when I'm with my partner, especially in the physical sense. If it's not too personal, my hormones and plumming just work better among other things.

 

When we break up and I think it's over for good I may miss my cycle for months or am prone to illness. When I'm with him these things simply disappear. If you would have told me that a year ago I would have laughed at you silly. But now I have seen how the stress of a breakup can affect a person.

 

So while I am emotionally sufficient on my own, physically I tend to do better when I'm with someone I love.

[White Flower]

I can function by myself - and am fine - but I am not truly truly happy unless I am with someone. With that said - I would rather be alone than with someone I am not into. It took me a long time to find my keeper and before her life simply was not the same.....

Perhaps we can be content and 'functional' on our own, but blissful when part of a couple?

[pureinheart]

Wonderful things ARE around the corner for you Pure. You already have such a sweet character and at least seem happy so I'm sure you're pretty much there.

 

Hmmm someone to 'complete you'. How about someone who will 'enhance you'?[/QUOTE]

 

Much better wording...sometimes my wording leaves much to be desired...also being torn right now doesn't help. There are times I feel depressed because of not being in a R and other times I could not imagine dealing with another person.

 

I enjoy my independance. He will have to be extremely accepting because I like having my own way (I know this sounds bad, but it is the truth), although am very easy going also...

 

Thanks WF, and backatcha! Yes I am happy, although used to be much happier...the term that says, "ignorance is bliss" is very true...lol...the last 3 yrs have been a clean up process so I have not been "as" happy of a camper, but that phase is just about over. I do enjoy LS though....

[pureinheart]

JFTR...this is a very interesting thread...I have contemplated where I am at in all of this...so will be able to put more stuff to rest thanks to this thread...

[White Flower]

Wonderful things ARE around the corner for you Pure. You already have such a sweet character and at least seem happy so I'm sure you're pretty much there.

 

Hmmm someone to 'complete you'. How about someone who will 'enhance you'?

 

Much better wording...sometimes my wording leaves much to be desired...also being torn right now doesn't help. There are times I feel depressed because of not being in a R and other times I could not imagine dealing with another person.

 

I enjoy my independance. He will have to be extremely accepting because I like having my own way (I know this sounds bad, but it is the truth), although am very easy going also...

 

Thanks WF, and backatcha! Yes I am happy, although used to be much happier...the term that says, "ignorance is bliss" is very true...lol...the last 3 yrs have been a clean up process so I have not been "as" happy of a camper, but that phase is just about over. I do enjoy LS though....

I enjoy LS too! So many great conversations.

 

I was telling my sweetheart today that I'm afraid he would have too much freedom with me down the road and that he might not know what to do with that much freedom. He told me that he told his counselor that he is afraid he would bug me at work all the time because he wouldn't want to be away from me.

 

I think it is the best of both worlds when you have freedom but choose to be together anyway.

[White Flower]

JFTR...this is a very interesting thread...I have contemplated where I am at in all of this...so will be able to put more stuff to rest thanks to this thread...

I am happy that you found it useful Pure. I have come to so many realizations recently and just felt like analyzing it out loud. I am grateful to be in the place that I am right now. A year ago I could not have handled a D-day I don't think. Yet, I have always surprised myself at how strong I am in the end but I was so much more fragile after D and reclaiming my home, my career, and my life.

 

I think it is important to become more self-aware, know who we are and what our needs are. In knowing those things, we can know what to look for in a partner, especially if we have already improved ourselves in the process. Instead of looking for someone to complete us, we can look for someone to enrich us.

[skylarblue]

Personally, I HAVE to be in a R or “attached” to someone to be “happier”. I don’t like not having an SO in my life whether short or long-term. I honestly can’t remember being “single” in the past 11 years. If I ended a R, I either already had another in waiting or immediately (meaning the next day) would go out and meet someone else. It’s not like the partner completes me, but my life isn’t complete without a partner. It doesn’t even have to be a “good” R.

[pureinheart]

I enjoy LS too! So many great conversations.

 

I was telling my sweetheart today that I'm afraid he would have too much freedom with me down the road and that he might not know what to do with that much freedom. He told me that he told his counselor that he is afraid he would bug me at work all the time because he wouldn't want to be away from me.

 

I think it is the best of both worlds when you have freedom but choose to be together anyway.

 

Wow, that is so cool (bold).

 

I am really shocked when I hear of the bondage that some people feel being M'ed. I can understand to a degree having the radar up after D-Day (and this could be a D-Day with any issue, like spending too much money for instance without your SO knowing), but to constantly live like that is too much work.

 

My daughters dad and me were never controlling over each other...sure we had our moments, although he did not try to tell me what to do and vice versa...it was a perfect M until he started the steroid injections...they literally tweeked his mind.

 

In his mind he just wanted a quick body building boost, although out of any drug, I might say steroids in that manor are the worst...he has never fully recovered...he's mean now...OMG WF he was the nicest guy most had ever met...my one friend was a total man hater, but liked him.

 

Most men who have been in controlling M's don't know what to do, nor how to act....exDM didn't understand my lack of jealousy. I was jealous for a time because of the games he was playing, but when the games were exposed, also my hatred of jealousy anyway, I stopped that behavior ASAP.

 

ExDM and his exW used many tactics called AGM (Attention Getting Mechanisms)...they were a pair together, that is for sure...a Psychologists nightmare as the diagnosis was never ending. ExDM tried this stuff on me...it worked for a time, but I finally got a clue.

 

ExDM is doing much better last I heard...it's just so hard after almost 30 yrs of games and manipulation...I was actually enabling him to remain in that state. Now he must face the music. WF, I hope he can handle freedom.

[pureinheart]

I am happy that you found it useful Pure. I have come to so many realizations recently and just felt like analyzing it out loud. I am grateful to be in the place that I am right now. A year ago I could not have handled a D-day I don't think. Yet, I have always surprised myself at how strong I am in the end but I was so much more fragile after D and reclaiming my home, my career, and my life.

 

I think it is important to become more self-aware, know who we are and what our needs are. In knowing those things, we can know what to look for in a partner, especially if we have already improved ourselves in the process. Instead of looking for someone to complete us, we can look for someone to enrich us.

 

This is what exDM is having problems with...the reclaiming of all that was lost, most of it he doesn't even realise yet, let alone the other emotional things like the drama he was constantly drawn to, lack of self respect etc.

 

It is not easy and I feel really bad for him, but I realise now I can't save him, and that is what I was possibly trying to do. Now it's my time.

 

We both had our wings clipped for a time, but now it is time to fly as they have grown back!

[White Flower]

Personally, I HAVE to be in a R or “attached” to someone to be “happier”. I don’t like not having an SO in my life whether short or long-term. I honestly can’t remember being “single” in the past 11 years. If I ended a R, I either already had another in waiting or immediately (meaning the next day) would go out and meet someone else. It’s not like the partner completes me, but my life isn’t complete without a partner. It doesn’t even have to be a “good” R.

 

I have a friend who is very much like you skylarblue. She has always had boyfriends lined up one after another. Sex is important to her but more than that is the need for companionship. If she didn't have a date to stay over on the weekend she would spend the weekend at her parents house!

 

She is recently M and crazy in love with her H. I hope theirs is a long and happy R. He claims she has shown him what love is and this is his second M. They look like they complete each other. I guess that means I look at (her at least) as being co-dependent but not in the addictive-co-dependent type of R. They just need each other's love and companionship in order to feel happy.

[White Flower]

This is what exDM is having problems with...the reclaiming of all that was lost, most of it he doesn't even realise yet, let alone the other emotional things like the drama he was constantly drawn to, lack of self respect etc.

 

It is not easy and I feel really bad for him, but I realise now I can't save him, and that is what I was possibly trying to do. Now it's my time.

 

We both had our wings clipped for a time, but now it is time to fly as they have grown back!

 

Good for you Pure! Fly high and really look for what you want and need before you land back down on the ground.

[crazycatlady]

Wow, that is so cool (bold).

 

I am really shocked when I hear of the bondage that some people feel being M'ed. I can understand to a degree having the radar up after D-Day (and this could be a D-Day with any issue, like spending too much money for instance without your SO knowing), but to constantly live like that is too much work.

 

My daughters dad and me were never controlling over each other...sure we had our moments, although he did not try to tell me what to do and vice versa...it was a perfect M until he started the steroid injections...they literally tweeked his mind.

 

In his mind he just wanted a quick body building boost, although out of any drug, I might say steroids in that manor are the worst...he has never fully recovered...he's mean now...OMG WF he was the nicest guy most had ever met...my one friend was a total man hater, but liked him.

 

Most men who have been in controlling M's don't know what to do, nor how to act....exDM didn't understand my lack of jealousy. I was jealous for a time because of the games he was playing, but when the games were exposed, also my hatred of jealousy anyway, I stopped that behavior ASAP.

 

ExDM and his exW used many tactics called AGM (Attention Getting Mechanisms)...they were a pair together, that is for sure...a Psychologists nightmare as the diagnosis was never ending. ExDM tried this stuff on me...it worked for a time, but I finally got a clue.

 

ExDM is doing much better last I heard...it's just so hard after almost 30 yrs of games and manipulation...I was actually enabling him to remain in that state. Now he must face the music. WF, I hope he can handle freedom.

 

Pure - what a horrible thing to go through reguarding your exH. to see him change before your eyes like that

 

Jealousy I've found at least in myself, stems from certain needs not being met. I think when you are like you, for instance, secure in yourself and in who you are, jealousy is less likely, and if there is some the root is easy to figure out. But your xDM seems like he's searching for what he needs in other people and he's too needy, he doesn't have that core base that allows a partnership to enhance and instead needs the partnership to fullfill. Then the jealousy can be very strong.

 

CCL

[Fallen Angel]

I would much rather be alone, by myself, than alone with someone. (i am sure some of you know EXACTLY what being alone with someone feels like.)

 

By the same token, I would rather be happy with someone, than happy alone.

[wheelwright]

I would much rather be alone, by myself, than alone with someone. (i am sure some of you know EXACTLY what being alone with someone feels like.)

 

By the same token, I would rather be happy with someone, than happy alone.

 

Good reply FA!

 

And I think this thread relates to others which point to a lack of intimacy and/or abuse in current Ms. Some people are not yet happy in themselves when they marry, and so marry someone who may not be right for the happy them, but is only right for the unhappy them.

 

Then when they start to mend themselves, they meet someone who fits the happy them, and sometimes this can cause unhappiness for partners who were unaware.

 

But perhaps happiness is on a scale and not an either/or. So, an unhappy person maximises their potential happiness when with one partner, then in healing is happy enough to be alone, or to risk moving on.

 

But if you are far along the path to the right end of the happiness scale, then it would be natural to find someone to live a life with who has that mutually enhancing quality referred to. While you're still unhappy, you still just need someone who helps deaden the pain, or who you can share life with, without enhancing.

 

And I'm sure sometimes that someone is the same person, if they grow with you - as seems to happen in successful reconciliations after As.

 

And sometimes not. When the abuser doesn't learn not to abuse when the victim wakes up. Or when the victim doesn't move on when the abuse stops. Or when the victim finds they didn't need a healer, or when the mother type finds she doesn't need to be contolling, or any other form of co-dependancy.

 

There comes a time when we search out our equal, because then we have the opportunity for enhancement, mutually.

[White Flower]

I would much rather be alone, by myself, than alone with someone. (i am sure some of you know EXACTLY what being alone with someone feels like.)

 

By the same token, I would rather be happy with someone, than happy alone.

I know EXACTLY what that feels like!

 

I would much rather be happy with someone than happy alone.

[White Flower]

 

There comes a time when we search out our equal, because then we have the opportunity for enhancement, mutually.

I love the idea of mutual enhancement.