Wife confessed she had a one night stand

[elrooster10]

I was away for the weekend to the east coast. Her female friend invited her to place for a party. I completely trusted my wife and although I knew she might drink I didn't think anything would happen.

 

Ended up she slept with one of her room mates. She was heavily drinking and doing shots but then went to sleep in one of the room mates bedroom. She then awoke later in the night because the music was loud and she started talking and drinking more with the room mate. One thing led to the next and he put a dvd in the room to watch it, he made the first move and then they had sex.

 

I am thinking that he took advantage of her, she would never ever cheat on me and is very remorse about the whole thing. She confessed as soon as I came home and broke down crying. She didn't want to lose me and is begging for forgiveness for her mistake. The guy knew she was happily married and I feel he took advantage of her. She was not falling down drunk but was stumbling. She says it wasn't rape but I am not convinced. Is she a victim and doesn't realize it or is that the remorse because it was consensual?

 

After much soul searching I am going to give it a second try and forgive her and work this out. We both realize that we will grow stronger and our love will be stronger after all this. I'm 100% sure that things will work out as soon as she comes back but now I am thinking what to do about this guy. I knew he took advantage of her because she was drunk but is that rape?

 

I was angry at her because I know alcohol is not an excuse, but I think it was 90% his fault and 10% hers. He did the first move.

 

I'm confused, not about the forgiveness because I know she is very sorry and will never do this again. She has told me she made a huge mistake and really regrets it and I believe her. I guess my issue is to either accept if it was truly 100% consensual or if he was forceful and she didn't know how to react or was somehow led to believe that she wanted it. She thinks he is a scumbag but for the moment is saying it was not rape.

 

Thanks

 

ER10

 

Of course I was very angry but I do love her and we decided she should go see her family in another state for a week so we can think things over.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry.

Really I am, but if she knew what she was doing, and can describe everything in detail, she wasn't too drunk to be taken advantage of.

This is 50/50, man.

He tried it, she said yes.

I'm glad she feels guilty, I'm glad she confessed, I'm glad she was honest, and I'm glad she has shown remorse.

yes, sure, this guy was a scum-wallah, but she knew she was married, too.

And much as I can understand you're angry with him, he's not in your life, and never will be.

She is.

You need to focus energy where it's needed.

 

On her.

And why did she cheat?

 

Why?

 

What did she get from it?

 

That's the question you should be hitting her with, until finally, she tells you what - if anything - she feels was missing from your relationship, that a semi-drunken moment of madness could supply.

 

Something's wrong.

That was the symptom.

Now work together to find the cause.

 

Because, get this:

If everything in your marriage was absolutely, completely, perfectly hunky-dory - the thought of letting another guy into your garage, would have sent her screaming into the night.

[elrooster10]

Hmmm you're right if she does remember the details then I guess it was not rape. I am trying to put more blame on the guy where my wife says it was her fault too. Her reason for it was that she was really drunk (no excuse), was feeling lonely, and I guess she felt attracted to him. At first she was thinking that I might have pushed her to this but she later confessed by her own will (an hour later)that she was trying to justify what had happened and not feel so bad. She has told me that I did nothing wrong and she made a huge mistake, giving in to lust.

 

Of course this hurt but we talked about some issues she might have and we are going to go to a marriage counselor. After 10 days I am beginning to see that I can forgive her and we both talked over the phone and cried and realized that we don't want to lose each other. To be honest I have prayed and asked God to help me forgive and understand her reasons and I feel confident that the magic of our love will help us through this.

 

In a strange way we both think we can somehow gain something from this painful experience and not take each other for granted. It's like a rekindling of our love and I am confident this will work out. I guess my main problem now was to seek revenge against this guy but I think I realize now that it is somewhat of a cop out to blame him more than her. I have blamed both of them this whole time by the way, but now I guess in my head I was thinking that maybe it was rape. I guess if I move on I need to stop the blame game and just blame her mistake. She must have known what she was doing, even if drunk and is very remorse for it. I honestly wanted to kick his ass but that wouldn't change things.

[elrooster10]

I am not defending her actions.. but she was definitly not semi-drunk. She was for sure wasted, stumbling and almost falling down drunk.

[TaraMaiden]

How do you know?

because you weren't there.

Who told you this?

 

Think a minute.

if she's given you information, because of her guilt, and because she wants to dissipate some of the fall-out, and do some damage control, she will tell you things that hopefully will put her in a slightly better light.

 

The point is, alcohol loosens inhibitions.

 

"In vino veritas"

In wine, there is Truth.

 

Wine lowered her defences, but she did this, because part of her wanted to.

 

You're angry.

You think you're angry with him.

I can see that.

I can understand it.

 

But I think you're just projecting to possibly avoid the issue, emotionally, that Your wife did this, on the one weekend you went away on business.

Her guilt and remorse makes her tell you "you did nothing wrong" but she also admits she felt lonely and attracted to him.

 

Where does that put your responsibility in this?

 

The guilt - the fault - is most definitely hers.

 

But the responsibility for the upkeep, maintenance and health of your marriage is a two way, equal and even street.

 

It takes daily Effort and constant commitment to keep something wonderful, looking wonderful.

 

Something is missing. Something is wrong.

 

Look to that.

[Tnerforireyeh]

Ah, the old "drunk defense." Ain't no way your chick got raped, and she probably wasn't even as drunk as she says she was.

 

Make her pay for your flight to the Bunny Ranch in Nevada and pay for you to get it on with 2 girls at once (or whatever other fantasy you've always had).

 

I'm serious about this. She got to bone the neighbor or whomever, and you get your fantasy fulfilled on her dime. That's what I call a win-win situation.

[Bryanp]

It seems pretty clear that she did not use protection so she now needs to be tested for STD's.

 

From what you have written she seems to be in damage control. Look what you have written:

1. She had no problem drinking, getting drunk at a party and continuing to drink.

2. She admits to being lonely because you are gone on a business trip?

3. She admits TO BEING ATTRACTED TO THIS GUY!

4. She initially felt that you pushed her into this?

5. The guy puts on a DVD and makes the first move and then they have full sex.

 

Does this sound like a happily married wife to you? I seriously doubt you have the full story and she is just trying to put the best spin on it. I feel sorry for you that apparently she had no problem disrespecting your marriage and relationship in such a way. I am sorry but this story does not seem to add up. I think she is playing you.

[Disintegration]

I think the only good that has come of this is that she didn't try to hide the fact. She told you about it when you got home, although she knew you would be hurt, she was honest about what happened, which was she cheated on you.

 

I wouldn't call it rape just because she didn't initiate it, she consented to it.

[Doing it Since '78]

I have a sneaking feeling, that when all the dust clears, and you start asking the RIGHT questions, you will (hopefully not the case) see that, this was probably a hook-up by the girlfriend, she has been in intimate contact with this guy before on trips over to that house, this was strategic planned for the one weekend of many that you were away on business, that alcohol had very little to do with it. This was her perfect oppurtunity to act on her feelings for this dude, perfect setting, you out of town, blah, blah. By the way, what is the liklihood that this "party" occurred the same weekend you were gone?

 

Drink may have allowed her to loosen up to give this dude the goods, but trust, she not only wanted to but was very eager to do so. I would check with the girlfriend and see what she has to offer to back her story, if you get resistance from either your wife or her friend, something is foul in the air. Because if the friend is really her homie, she should have no problem explaining to you that nothing about her story is untrue. Please do not be surprised if the girlfriend is not forthcoming, or even had something to do with this encounter.

 

And lastly, the dude did what he was supposed to do. A drunk (using that term loosley), horny, disgruntled woman lying in your bed, and he is supposed to worry about how her husband may end up taking it? Sorry, this was her thing, and don't be surprised if this is not the last you see of this joker. Be very careful not too take out too much anger on this poor sap. She was in his bed, he wasn't sniffing around your house. She went out looking for some action, and guess what..she found it.

 

She may have felt bad after the sex, and told you for a number of reasons. It may have been bad, she may have felt like a wh0re, she may have felt guilty, but for some odd reason she didn't feel that way before she let the slacker roomate sample your stuff? And who is to say this is her first ONS? And by the way, for a cheater, the first time is usually the hardest. It will get much easier for her from this point out. Trust that

Edited March 17, 2010 by Doing it Since '78

[reservoirdog1]

I think the only good that has come of this is that she didn't try to hide the fact. She told you about it when you got home, although she knew you would be hurt, she was honest about what happened, which was she cheated on you.

 

I wouldn't call it rape just because she didn't initiate it, she consented to it.

I agree with all of this. The fact that she came clean right away is a silver lining to this crappy situation. Albeit a pretty thin silver lining.

 

She consented. She had sex with the guy because she wanted to. Booze doesn't turn people into robots -- it simply makes it easier for them to do what they were thinking bout doing anyway. There's a reason it's sometimes called "social lubricant".

 

I'll leave it to others to tell you whether or not you should stay with her or not. Know this, however: there are serious problems in your marriage. A person who feels totally happy and fulfilled in their marriage doesn't stray outside of it. There is something in your marriage that your wife was unhappy with before she cheated. The thing she's unhappy with may be completely unreasonable, whatever it is. She may just be somebody who prefers to be non-monogamous. But if you're going to marriage counselling, THAT's where you needed to focus your energy -- on finding out what the real problem is. Her cheating is not just the problem -- it's also a symptom of a bigger problem.

[whichwayisup]

I was angry at her because I know alcohol is not an excuse, but I think it was 90% his fault and 10% hers. He did the first move.

 

He may have made the first move, but what if she was giving him signals? Also, she could have said NO! Just because he made a move on her, doesn't mean she had to allow it to happen. Drinking or not, it's not an excuse. Maybe she needs to stop drinking, since she can't control herself, or make proper decisions when she's drunk. And, she needs to stop putting herself in situations where stuff can happen. To crash out beside someone else, another man is just asking for trouble..Drunk or not!

 

You are putting way too much blame on this guy. YOU are married to your wife, not him.

 

we decided she should go see her family in another state for a week so we can think things over.

 

No, don't let her leave. You two need to talk this out. And you also need to find out MORE about this situation, if it's actually happened before, are they friends, are they speaking right now..

 

If she is deeply showing remorse for her actions and wants to work things out, then she has to prove to you that she can be trusted again. She needs to be an open book - Passwords and access to her email account(s), cell phone records, the whole 9 yards. Her going away for a week isn't going to solve anything..

[xxoo]

She had sex with the guy because she wanted to. Booze doesn't turn people into robots -- it simply makes it easier for them to do what they were thinking bout doing anyway.

 

Yep. No amt of drunk would lead me to have sex with someone I didn't already kind of want to have sex with. The alcohol just makes it easier to take that step, disregarding the consequences in the moment.

 

Your wife says it was NOT rape. Why are you rationalizing it as such?

 

I'm glad you wife feels guilty and confessed. In my opinion, that bodes well for your future together. But you and she need to place the responsibility for her actions firmly on her shoulders. How can you move forward with trust if the control is placed on outside forces? Can you trust your wife to be faithful or not? Because there will always be men willing to sleep with her.....

[troggleputty]

Unfortunately I think your marriage is over for all practical intents and purposes. Whether or not you get around to a separation/divorce at some point or another.

 

Listen, your wife goes to a party with one of her friends, gets drunk, and ends up screwing some guy because he made the first move? Because you're out of town for a while on a business trip?

 

She betrayed your trust and frankly you have no way of ever trusting her again, because everything about your wife's life apparently is an inducement to her infidelity--her friends; their friends; her activities with her friends; your business committments.

 

Your wife told you it was not rape so you should believe that. She's trying to protect this guy. She doesn't want him to get in trouble. That's understandable particularly if she's developed feelings for him.

 

If your wife doesn't have a previous history of slutty behavior (assuming there's nothing in the past you don't know about--a big "if") then most likely the guy she had sex with is someone she has developed feelings for. Possibly through hanging out with her girlfriend.

 

I don't really care how drunk your wife was. It's very very difficult to have sex with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you. I mean how do their clothes come off for instance? Did this guy pull her pants down or pull her dress up and pull her undies down, without her consent? If so it's rape.

 

There's probably a lot more going on than you've been clued into.

 

But seriously how do you ever take your eye off your wife and ever be able to trust her? You just can't.

 

I suppose it's a positive sign that she confessed to you but who know what really motivated her to do that?

 

Maybe her girlfriend got jealous when she found out your w had sex with the roommate (or some crazy competitive thing going on) and threatened to tell you if your w didn't confess.

 

Did your wife promise to stop drinking any alcohol ever again? Is she going to AA? That's the first and minimal thing she should be doing, since drinking is what she attributes this to. She needs to stop drinking first of all, period. If she gives you a hard time about that you might as well go see a lawyer.

[bestplayer]

She is a cheater, cheaters cheat, and never stop cheating. Being drunk is the bullox of all cheat.... Don't deny it by saying it was rape. They fooked and prolly got the pleasure. Most prolly she enjoyed it. She coming crying to you is utter bullox. If you forgive her now, she'll make a habit out of it. It will be a default in your relationship..... If you are OK with that then fine, you go and live an open relationship in both parties do what they want.

 

I would not rely on such a person. Even if you re-start things you will never ever be trusting her again ( at least I wouldn't). Everytime she does something on her own, you will always have that questionmark in your mind as to what she's upto then.

 

I would not forgive such an infidelity. It is really disgusting, wouldn't allow her back to sleep in the house as leave aside the emotional damage it made you, you never know what diseases might the other party have and might be transmissed to you.

 

You do not need a wife like that (if you can CALL her a WIFE)....if you can call her YOUR wife of course after all this

 

Good luck mate

 

nowomanocry , i agree infidielity does cause serious damage , yet one mistake doesn't mean that she will do that again , besides that she could have never confessed to her husband if she didn't truly regret her actions .

I think , it would have been more damaging if she was having affair rtahr than one night stand

[JoyDevine]

I think you're on the right track.

 

Google "Diminished Capacity" and rape.

 

According to what I read, you CANNOT legally consent to sex if you are drunk.

 

I also found this:

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/drug-facilitated-assault

[bestplayer]

nowomanocry , i agree infidielity does cause serious damage , yet one mistake doesn't mean that she will do that again , besides that she could have never confessed to her husband if she didn't truly regret her actions .

I think , it would have been more damaging if she was having affair rtahr than one night stand

 

so may be she is trully sorry , but i do suspect this was not the first time

[bestplayer]

He may have made the first move, but what if she was giving him signals? Also, she could have said NO! Just because he made a move on her, doesn't mean she had to allow it to happen. Drinking or not, it's not an excuse. Maybe she needs to stop drinking, since she can't control herself, or make proper decisions when she's drunk. And, she needs to stop putting herself in situations where stuff can happen. To crash out beside someone else, another man is just asking for trouble..Drunk or not!

 

You are putting way too much blame on this guy. YOU are married to your wife, not him.

 

 

 

No, don't let her leave. You two need to talk this out. And you also need to find out MORE about this situation, if it's actually happened before, are they friends, are they speaking right now..

 

If she is deeply showing remorse for her actions and wants to work things out, then she has to prove to you that she can be trusted again. She needs to be an open book - Passwords and access to her email account(s), cell phone records, the whole 9 yards. Her going away for a week isn't going to solve anything..

 

elrooster10 u need some more information about the story before u start MC or anything

[threebyfate]

Hey elrooster! Have you read theguyguy's thread? I think the two of you have enough similarities that you would benefit from helping each other.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2707058&posted=1#post2707058

[seibert253]

Alcohol lowers the inhabitions and allows us more freedom to pursue things we were already contemplating. IE: liquid courage. For a variety of reasons, prior to obtaining this "courage", one would not engage in the selected activity. (shame, embarrasment, criminal liability)

 

Bottom line; your wife was already contemplating what occurred, the alcohol gave her the courage to do so.

 

Don't get caught in "it was the OM's fault, he took advantage of her" mentality. He was probably just as drunk as she. The OM owed you no loyalty, your wife did.

[LucreziaBorgia]

In a strictly legal sense, since she was that drunk she cannot have given legal consent and therefore was 'raped'. Ask her if she is aware of that, and if she wants to press charges. I expect her answer would be interesting, indeed.

[elrooster10]

I'm really confused now with all the different opinions. What I do know is that I want to fix this, it will be a lot of work but with love I know it can work out.

 

Still unclear on the "rape" or not issue. We need to talk it out more.

[Snowflower]

I'm really confused now with all the different opinions. What I do know is that I want to fix this, it will be a lot of work but with love I know it can work out.

 

Still unclear on the "rape" or not issue. We need to talk it out more.

 

I'm sure you are confused...but there is some really good advice in this thread. Many of the questions that other posters are asking here are questions that you want to ask your wife and in some cases, ask yourself.

 

Many of the opinions offer perspectives that may or may not be true for you and your wife but they are definitely food for thought. Take some of these difficult questions and present them to your wife--in your own words of course.

 

Exactly a year ago I came here posting my first thread about my husband's drunken ONS...some of the responses here remind me of those on my thread.

 

Some of the posts hurt me terribly, some of the posts were ridiculous and some reflected the tough questions I needed to ask. But, I would read and respond to my thread during the day and then go home to my H and ask him the difficult questions based on what I had gleaned from my thread that day. (of course, he never knew where I was getting all those questions from)

 

I learned a lot about my H's affair during the course of that thread. I should probably go back and read it again sometime--but I fear it would bring back sad memories.

[JoyDevine]

I'm really confused now with all the different opinions. What I do know is that I want to fix this, it will be a lot of work but with love I know it can work out.

 

Still unclear on the "rape" or not issue. We need to talk it out more.

 

YOU know your wife. So, your instincts are probably correct.

 

I would doubt this would be taken to trial, but it doesn't sound like she was "all there".

Were you wanting to press charges? I thought you were concerned with forgiving her and whether it was cheating.

I just wanted to provide a - realistic - alternative to all the "yeah she's a slut the alcohol just brought it out" posts.

[Ms. Joolie]

I think what's important now is to find out where her heart and head are at. Make sure whatever issue she is dealing with gets resolved, or she takes the responsibility to begin to address it. Something caused her to act out the way she did.

 

Only time and her actions will tell you where she's at. You'll know if she is really putting effort into rebuilding your relationship. It sounds like you do really love her, and I really do want to believe she won't do this again.

 

As her husband, see to it that you both are taken care of. See to it that you do your part in supporting the relationship, and see if she does hers.

 

 

No reason to keep reacting to what she did. Take the right steps to move forward.

[lostsunsets]

DUDE! You were away for a weekend!!!! Has she ever gone without sex with you for two days b4? I will wager she has. She really missed you....so naturally she would have sex with someone else. First off, have her take a polygraph test. Just how long did she know this guy for? Next, how many people feel like drinking after a drunk. She had slept. Then woke up and started drinking again? What was the movie? Was it X-rated? If it was, just where exactly does she think it was leading? You are far to trusting. Make her stay where ever shes at for the foreseeable future. She needs to work her way back to you. If you take her back right away, I will wager that within a few days to a few weeks, you will become very angry. This wouldn't be good for either of you. Do not rush reconciling with her. The risk is if you take her back so fast is that she will think your forgiveness is cheap. You said that it will take a lot of work. You're right. But its on her side. You need to see just how bad she wants this marriage.