When your wife sells you a bill of goods...

[xxoo]

To say you want to be off another 5 is total BS. We are a 2 family income and its not just about affording a house...its about building a FUTURE---paying for your kids college and hopefully make it so your not the 64 year old employee at Walmart who HAS to work there because they didnt plan their life accordingly. I see it in some of her relatives...mothers stayed home to raise kids while daddy worked 16 hours a day and now they dont even have a pot to piss in. No thanks.

.

 

Think about your goals and your fears. Consider carefully how the choices you make right now will affect your future.

 

How will divorce and 18 years of child support (and possibly some alimony) affect your ability to build a secure future?

 

How will your wife being out of work 5 years (worst case scenario) affect your ability to build a secure future? Keep in mind that your wife is willing to work and earn money in these interim years--just not in a way that requires daycare.

 

Your wife doesn't sound lazy to me. You and others are forgetting that she is willing to work a different shift, or watch children in your home. Running a home daycare doesn't sound like "fun" at home.

 

Stubborness may very well cost you the secure future you desire.

 

I can't even address the issues of her weight anymore. It disgusts me.

[DaisyLeigh]

You guys are about the only two who make sense ( although a little harsh on that first post Mr white)

For all you other girls (and the 2 or three guys) perhaps you should read this as to me it seems dead on.

 

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/15/excuses-your-wife-uses-for-not-working/

 

I don't have an issue moving. My wife doesn't want to move because we are by her family.

I already addressed the weight issue---and to be honest shes elected not to work out for the last 2 years so this isnt a sudden thing. So yeah I do have a right to complain. Forget this BS "what if she got into an accident" --well last I checked overeating and not exercising is NOT an accident, but a conscious choice. Stop the madness.

Would I/Do I make time for her to exercise...absolutely. I love both kids and play with them a LOT. She has all the time in the world to work out...motivation is the issue.

 

Now on to the job thing...listen...shes been out of work for almost 2 years.

To say you want to be off another 5 is total BS. We are a 2 family income and its not just about affording a house...its about building a FUTURE---paying for your kids college and hopefully make it so your not the 64 year old employee at Walmart who HAS to work there because they didnt plan their life accordingly. I see it in some of her relatives...mothers stayed home to raise kids while daddy worked 16 hours a day and now they dont even have a pot to piss in. No thanks.

And Ive spend a lot of time home with my family...and motherhood is not the equivalent of two jobs...nobody fires your ass if you keep changing the diaper wrong and there are no "playdates" at work. You have to be on your game EVERYDAY. You cant compare the two...I would stay home over busting butt in an office any day of the week.

 

 

Believe it or not, I do see your point on a lot of what you have posted, and understand some of your resentment.

 

I still think that some of her issues are depression. Especially if she feels the disdain and resentment you express on this forum.

 

It seems that you guys are at an impasse. She is not willing to budge an inch, and you don't seem to be willing to do so, either, in some ways. If I were hellbent on staying home, at least until the small fry was in school, I would do whatever it took. I would not expect my husband to be run ragged so we could live in a house that we could not afford.

 

The only way you will build the retirement and college funds, while still paying for daycare, is if she has a high earning potential and can actually get a job. In this economy, even highly educated and formerly highly paid people are having trouble getting a good job.

 

Who will take off from work when the kids are sick, or on school break? Are you willing to do that? I know very few men who will do that.

 

Will you split the housework evenly? Child care? Laundry? Because I know a hell of a lot of women who work fulltime, their husbands work fulltime, and yet the WIFE is the one expected to come home and do everything at home too. Which is totally unfair.

 

My mother went back to work when I was in the sixth grade. She will be retiring in two years, at age 65, with full pension, fully paid health insurance, and her house and vehicle are paid for. She has long term care insurance and enough life insurance to take care of her final expenses. She did most of this without my father, after their divorce when I was 18. Waiting to go back to work for a few years, to avoid daycare and other costs, does not always mean that one will be eating dog food or will absolutely have to work at Walmart in their 80's.

 

Would you be willing to come to a compromise? Or does it have to be all your way or all her way? As in, let her try the child care thing for six months or a year? If it doesn't work, then she must be willing to sell the house or go back to a regular job and stick the kids in daycare, or something similar?

 

Good luck to you, whatever you do.

[xxoo]

Btw perhaps quoting from an article titled Why Your Wife's Excuses For Not Working Are Lame isn't exactly the peer reviewed, proven and sound advice you should be looking for.

 

Really? I didn't click the link, but that's awesome

[fit]

So the options she is giving me are...

 

Run a daycare center(which she cant handle and I am VERY opposed to)

Work nights and weekends(being I work days why bother even being married)

or dont work at all.

 

Does this make anything clearer for you guys ?

I would move if needed...but she is being very difficult. Because I wont agree to her first options she is saying I am being unreasonable.

 

So the wife isn't saying that she WON'T work. Just she won't work when and how YOU want her to.

 

Given the post under Divorce and Separation you may want to look up Narcissism. It is a personality disorder where one only takes one's own feelings and experience into account and doesn't see nor care how they affect those around them.

 

There has still been no response to this. If it is about building a future etc. Why not consider letting her run the daycare OR work on evenings/weekends. If it means that or your marriage (and you are the one running out the door here, Buddy) wouldn't you rather she try an alternative means of income.

 

Perhaps you should review how you are posting, esp in the Separation and Divorce Forum if your priority is on your kids & family. Really, it looks like it is on yourself. Not once have you mentioned that a divorce might be negative for your children, or have you tried MC. It is just wailing about how she isn't doing what you want or expect. Divorce is a FINAL option after doing everything YOU can to save a marriage. Again, what are YOU doing? If some of your first attempts to threaten, or give ultimatums aren't working, then TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

 

Have the self-respect to say to to yourself that you did all that you can. I am not judging what you have said based on your values, but the attitude you are portraying. You are saying that a potentially depressed/mentally ill spouse does not meet your standards anymore and therefore should be thrown away. Time to take a look at YOURSELF. No one here can talk to your spouse and get her side of it. YOU are the one posting on the forums.

 

I love my daughter and I stayed home for about 6 months after she was born. It was non-stop from sun-up through the night getting up with her. Trade that against a 40-60 hour work week in which there are regimented breaks and you could sleep certain hours. In fact I work full-time and then run a business full-time. (Lucky you, catching me posting on my sick with pneumonia days.) Staying home with one kid and taking care of appointments, laundry (esp. in the early months), cooking all meals for everyone at home, dishes, bottles, diapers, bath time etc. etc. etc. I actually couldn't wait to get back to work and split the chores with my H who figured that the chores didn't need to be split if I was at home. I have been trying to source the study that lists stay at home moms as having two full-time jobs. I read it in University, will find when I have time. But if it isn't, I can guarantee that it is more then one. Whoever said 2-3 hours tops is out of their mind, or they have sub-standard values on household tasks. Their are plenty of things that need preventative maintenance and babyproofing.

 

Good Luck

 

Btw perhaps quoting from an article titled Why Your Wife's Excuses For Not Working Are Lame isn't exactly the peer reviewed, proven and sound advice you should be looking for. Try the Relationship self-help section instead of trying to shame your wife. You are never going to be able to problem-solve if you keep letting her know how little value she has to you, and how little faith you have in her.

 

First off...my wife isnt mentally ill. She spends at least 3 or 4 days a week having play dates with members of her family that also have kids and also is part of certain mothers groups. Shes not depressed...shes not motivated to work and is under the impression its OK because other members of her family do it.

 

Of course I realize Divorce would be damaging. I made that post in the other forum at a very high level of frustration. Obviously I wouldn't continue to post if I wasn't interested in trying to make it work. Despite the harsh title did you even bother reading the article ?

My guess is it would hit home a little too hard on you....and its written by a woman. How bout that ? And for you to say it takes more than 2-3 hours a day to clean a house is ridiculous. Do you live in a mansion ? The guy who said that is dead on.

Childcare is not a 24 hour a day job...its more like an 8 hour a day job with really good perks that can stretch over a 24 hour period. At least thats how it is in MY house...and Ive spent whole weekends taking care of my kids.

Now if you have really difficult kids(which as a parent you have a big say in don't you ? Kids are a certain way when they are young because of the way their parents raise them) than it could be a different story. Now if you have special needs kids thats an entirely different story.

Now--If I made another 50 grand a year I would absolutely let her stay home.

I do make a good living...but not THAT good of a living and the expenses are what they are.

[fit]

There has still been no response to this. If it is about building a future etc. Why not consider letting her run the daycare OR work on evenings/weekends. If it means that or your marriage (and you are the one running out the door here, Buddy) wouldn't you rather she try an alternative means of income.

 

Perhaps you should review how you are posting, esp in the Separation and Divorce Forum if your priority is on your kids & family. Really, it looks like it is on yourself. Not once have you mentioned that a divorce might be negative for your children, or have you tried MC. It is just wailing about how she isn't doing what you want or expect. Divorce is a FINAL option after doing everything YOU can to save a marriage. Again, what are YOU doing? If some of your first attempts to threaten, or give ultimatums aren't working, then TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

 

Have the self-respect to say to to yourself that you did all that you can. I am not judging what you have said based on your values, but the attitude you are portraying. You are saying that a potentially depressed/mentally ill spouse does not meet your standards anymore and therefore should be thrown away. Time to take a look at YOURSELF. No one here can talk to your spouse and get her side of it. YOU are the one posting on the forums.

 

I love my daughter and I stayed home for about 6 months after she was born. It was non-stop from sun-up through the night getting up with her. Trade that against a 40-60 hour work week in which there are regimented breaks and you could sleep certain hours. In fact I work full-time and then run a business full-time. (Lucky you, catching me posting on my sick with pneumonia days.) Staying home with one kid and taking care of appointments, laundry (esp. in the early months), cooking all meals for everyone at home, dishes, bottles, diapers, bath time etc. etc. etc. I actually couldn't wait to get back to work and split the chores with my H who figured that the chores didn't need to be split if I was at home. I have been trying to source the study that lists stay at home moms as having two full-time jobs. I read it in University, will find when I have time. But if it isn't, I can guarantee that it is more then one. Whoever said 2-3 hours tops is out of their mind, or they have sub-standard values on household tasks. Their are plenty of things that need preventative maintenance and babyproofing.

 

Good Luck

 

Btw perhaps quoting from an article titled Why Your Wife's Excuses For Not Working Are Lame isn't exactly the peer reviewed, proven and sound advice you should be looking for. Try the Relationship self-help section instead of trying to shame your wife. You are never going to be able to problem-solve if you keep letting her know how little value she has to you, and how little faith you have in her.

 

First off...my wife isnt mentally ill. She spends at least 3 or 4 days a week having play dates with members of her family that also have kids and also is part of certain mothers groups. Shes not depressed...shes not motivated to work and is under the impression its OK because other members of her family do it.

 

Of course I realize Divorce would be damaging. I made that post in the other forum at a very high level of frustration. Obviously I wouldn't continue to post if I wasn't interested in trying to make it work. Despite the harsh title did you even bother reading the article ?

My guess is it would hit home a little too hard on you....and its written by a woman. How bout that ? And for you to say it takes more than 2-3 hours a day to clean a house is ridiculous. Do you live in a mansion ? The guy who said that is dead on.

Childcare is not a 24 hour a day job...its more like an 8 hour a day job with really good perks that can stretch over a 24 hour period. At least thats how it is in MY house...and Ive spent whole weekends taking care of my kids.

Now if you have really difficult kids(which as a parent you have a big say in don't you ? Kids are a certain way when they are young because of the way their parents raise them) than it could be a different story. Now if you have special needs kids thats an entirely different story.

Now--If I made another 50 grand a year I would absolutely let her stay home.

I do make a good living...but not THAT good of a living and the expenses are what they are.

[dreamingoftigers]

Try using the "quote" function.

 

Furthermore...

 

I cannot imagine the state your house must be in if it only takes 2-3 hours to clean up after every kid thing + dusting etc, cooking meals for eveyone, (now I also make my own baby food for her and bake bread (allergies) and make cheese for my family, so that does add time) bath times, laundry, planning and every last detail. Plus, getting up in the night with your kids is going to exhaust you. It has really made concentrating difficult. No mansion here and the ironic part is that my business is cleaning houses for a living. Plus I work full-time. Please feel free to visit our company website: www.newwestclean.com . We launched this business ourselves 6 months ago and are quite familiar with the effort it takes to properly clean and maintain a house.

I do not have a difficult kid. She is actually a remarkably easy baby who is happy and sweet. Good try at aiming low.

Yes I read the article. I think it was pretty insulting. Not the message, just all of the insulting terms that it used. "Sucker-maker" etc. It really doesn't matter to me that the article was written by a woman. It's not like we have some huge gender-loyalty and she broke the code. Look at how many women sleep with other women's men. And I do work my ass off, so none of that bothers me.

Here is what I found:

The article is talking about a woman who is not WILLING to work.

You have stated that your wife is willing to work, but not during the hours you wish and in the ways you would like. The article itself that you are using for backup states the following:

"Being gainfully employed is stressful and requires coping with other people’s crap sometimes. That’s life. If it really is too rough out there for your delicate flower, then welcome to the wonderful world of telecommuting or she can create her own business."

Hmm, a DAYCARE does sound like her own business!

No comment on the B&B idea eh?

Good for you for wanting to work it out. Again, what are YOU doing, aside from looking up articles that make you want to prove your wife is a deadbeat that offer no solution, except to contact and pay the writer of them?

You write that you have a major problem with her not working because of trying to build a future, and it also seems like this is a moral issue with you, but then you do not respond when I have posted up multiple times that your wife is willing to work. Just not when YOU want.

You claim that if you made another 50 grand you would be happy to have her stay home. Is another 50 grand going to transform her from "lazy ass" to housewife? Seems odd that your perception of her role would change because of your circumstance.

Lastly, if she is breastfeeding, that takes time and a LOTo out of you

[mimidarlin]

Fit,

 

Some of your concerns I am trying to understand. She gained weight and it probably was since she lost her job not just because of the 2nd pregnancy. She isn't working when you depended on the two incomes for a long time.

 

You bought a house that you could only afford on two six figure incomes. Bad financial choice on both your parts. We all should be able to afford the mortgage and necessities on one paycheck. This is the way to live within a budget. If she was earning six figures then she should have the brain power to realize that you can't keep living the same lifestyle on one income.

 

So she doesn't work but wants to open an in home daycare. I don't think this is a good idea. Being a mom of two doesn't mean you can run a daycare. I've worked as a babysitter, a nanny, and in daycare. I am now a high school teacher. It is so much easier than dealing with the constant care that is necessary for young children.

 

I have an idea that might help you both. Running a daycare that is certified usually requires some state mandated courses. She should apply for a job at a daycare center that your youngest can attend. Most employees receive a significant discount for putting one of their own children in daycare. Most daycares provide courses towards being a certified caregiver. She won't earn a lot of money but she will get a reality check on how difficult working with multiple children will be for her. She needs to work in multiple rooms to experience the different ages.

 

You both need marital counseling. The counseling needs to focus on communication about all issues, including financial. She needs to be real about the financial situation for which you are both responsible.

 

You will want to get a credit check run on both of you. I watched Suzy Orman a couple of night ago and she brought to light an interesting issue. People who run up debt frequently gain weight as a physical response to their guilt. The over eating and lack of motivation are a sign of her unhappiness. Who/what she is unhappy with is a question I can't answer. I would be afraid that she has run up a significant credit card debt without your knowledge.

 

I warn you about the credit cards because I was guilty of this myself. I hid it from my husband. I did gain weight. Hiding this was a weight on my soul. It was one of the bricks in the wall that has led to our pending divorce. I am so proud now that I have dug myself out of this financial hole alone. I have pride in myself again.

[fit]

Try using the "quote" function.

 

Furthermore...

 

I cannot imagine the state your house must be in if it only takes 2-3 hours to clean up after every kid thing + dusting etc, cooking meals for eveyone, (now I also make my own baby food for her and bake bread (allergies) and make cheese for my family, so that does add time) bath times, laundry, planning and every last detail. Plus, getting up in the night with your kids is going to exhaust you. It has really made concentrating difficult. No mansion here and the ironic part is that my business is cleaning houses for a living. Plus I work full-time. Please feel free to visit our company website: www.newwestclean.com . We launched this business ourselves 6 months ago and are quite familiar with the effort it takes to properly clean and maintain a house.

I do not have a difficult kid. She is actually a remarkably easy baby who is happy and sweet. Good try at aiming low.

Yes I read the article. I think it was pretty insulting. Not the message, just all of the insulting terms that it used. "Sucker-maker" etc. It really doesn't matter to me that the article was written by a woman. It's not like we have some huge gender-loyalty and she broke the code. Look at how many women sleep with other women's men. And I do work my ass off, so none of that bothers me.

Here is what I found:

The article is talking about a woman who is not WILLING to work.

You have stated that your wife is willing to work, but not during the hours you wish and in the ways you would like. The article itself that you are using for backup states the following:

"Being gainfully employed is stressful and requires coping with other people’s crap sometimes. That’s life. If it really is too rough out there for your delicate flower, then welcome to the wonderful world of telecommuting or she can create her own business."

Hmm, a DAYCARE does sound like her own business!

No comment on the B&B idea eh?

Good for you for wanting to work it out. Again, what are YOU doing, aside from looking up articles that make you want to prove your wife is a deadbeat that offer no solution, except to contact and pay the writer of them?

You write that you have a major problem with her not working because of trying to build a future, and it also seems like this is a moral issue with you, but then you do not respond when I have posted up multiple times that your wife is willing to work. Just not when YOU want.

You claim that if you made another 50 grand you would be happy to have her stay home. Is another 50 grand going to transform her from "lazy ass" to housewife? Seems odd that your perception of her role would change because of your circumstance.

Lastly, if she is breastfeeding, that takes time and a LOTo out of you

 

OK look. My wife cant run a daycare...she cant handle it. She has a rough time with just our two kids sometimes. She says she can out of guilt(same with offering to work nights and weekends) without knowing whats truly involved.

We didn't buy a house that 2 six figure incomes are required...but at least 150,000 is needed.

You sound like a hard working woman who NEEDS her income....tell your husband you want to quit your job for 5 years so you can stay at home and see how it flies. And we cant have a bed and breakfast...we dont live anywhere near a beach and dont have the type of house for that.

[urt]

She got fired from her job, basically couldnt deal with the stress of it and freaked out at work and they fired her. This was almost 2 years ago....about a year into her not working she started pushing hard for another baby. I told her no and we had major fights and even talked divorce...but that died down. We went back and forth on it for awhile and as she started getting older it was becoming now or never time. She said if we had another baby she would be the best wife ever--dinner every night, sex all the time etc etc. And of course all would be well when she went back to work. Fast forward to today...we had the baby (well she did...I just held her hand..lol) and it has been a major stressor on our relationship.

 

This paragraph sums up your entire problem. In short: you're owned. If you didn't want another baby, you should have stood your ground and used a condom. Instead you caved in. Now she knows she can just walk all over you and you won't do anything about it. She can withhold sex, she can let herself go physically, she can quit her job, she can nag you and criticise you constantly, she can spend your money on rubbish, she can do all of those things and more because she knows you'll just cave in anyway.

 

If you want to make this work, you need to do the following.

 

1. Prepare yourself to leave.

2. Sit her down and have a serious talk, and tell her you're going to leave unless certain issues are addressed.

3. Make sure you're ready to follow through if they don't change, otherwise, she'll see right through you when you sit down for the talk.

 

BTW, spare me the usual crap about "I'm staying for my kids". You can always pay her maintenance after you're gone if you're worred about that, and still get on with your life. Just think about what opinion your kids are forming of marriage right now -- how will your daughter treat her future husband after watching you and your wife? How will your son perceive marriage after watching you get owned? Will he even marry at all? Think about it.

[xxoo]

OK look. My wife cant run a daycare...she cant handle it. She has a rough time with just our two kids sometimes. She says she can out of guilt(same with offering to work nights and weekends) without knowing whats truly involved.

 

You say she can't handle running a daycare or working nights/weekends.

 

But she is telling you she can't handle working fulltime while the baby is in daycare (I can relate...I could pretty do anything to support my babies before I could do that. It is incredibly hard for some mothers to leave their babies with others!)

 

Who is the better judge of what she can handle? It sounds condescending to insist that she doesn't know what she can handle, but you do.

 

And a thought about her weight....are either of your children daughters? Because weight gain/loss after pregnancy is largely genetic. Like mother, like daughter. How would you want your future son-in-law to treat your grown daughter if she takes a year to lose the baby weight?

[xxoo]

Just think about what opinion your kids are forming of marriage right now -- how will your daughter treat her future husband after watching you and your wife? How will your son perceive marriage after watching you get owned? Will he even marry at all? Think about it.

 

So interesting how men and women see the same situation differently. I just posted about how he'd feel if a man treated his daughter this way someday....

[urt]

So interesting how men and women see the same situation differently. I just posted about how he'd feel if a man treated his daughter this way someday....

 

We were actually talking about different perspectives. Let's be realistic: children model their future relationships on their parents in most cases. If his daughter watches her mother treating her father like crap and getting away with it, it's fair to say she'll likely try the same thing on her future husband.

[xxoo]

We were actually talking about different perspectives. Let's be realistic: children model their future relationships on their parents in most cases. If his daughter watches her mother treating her father like crap and getting away with it, it's fair to say she'll likely try the same thing on her future husband.

 

Right. But from my perspective (reading this thread and the one in separation/divorce), Fit is treating his wifely poorly, and is REALLY out of line about her weight 5 months pp. If his daughter watches her mother being treated that way, it's fair to say she'll tolerate the same from her future husband.

[urt]

Right. But from my perspective (reading this thread and the one in separation/divorce), Fit is treating his wifely poorly, and is REALLY out of line about her weight 5 months pp. If his daughter watches her mother being treated that way, it's fair to say she'll tolerate the same from her future husband.

 

Yeah, but he raised some other issues that bothered him, such as the work issue, the fact that he had a child he didn't want to have and so on. It just goes to show that if you are going to marry someone (and I'm not going to pretend any fondness the institution of marriage) you really need to be on the same page on these issues, and stick to your guns. If someone else suddenly decides they don't want to keep their end of the bargain, you really should think about getting out, and that applies irrespective of whether your a man or a woman.

[DaisyLeigh]

He could have had a vasectomy after the first child, if he honestly did not want more kids.

 

Just a thought. But I guess it is a moot point.

[xxoo]

If someone else suddenly decides they don't want to keep their end of the bargain, you really should think about getting out, and that applies irrespective of whether your a man or a woman.

 

Sure, if it is a dealbreaker for you. I absolutely think it is better to divorce than to stay and treat each other horribly.

 

Still, agreeing to a second child he didn't want was bad modeling on his part, not his wife's part. But hopefully, if these two have any judgment, the children will never know about that

[sweetjasmine]

He could have had a vasectomy after the first child, if he honestly did not want more kids.

 

Just a thought. But I guess it is a moot point.

 

And they could've decided to not buy more house than they could afford.

 

Another moot point, I guess.

[urt]

Still, agreeing to a second child he didn't want was bad modeling on his part, not his wife's part.

 

I agree with that, and said as much in post#84 or thereabouts. But if this guy is going to fix his situation, he needs to put his foot down at some point and stop agreeing to things he doesn't want. He also needs to be prepared to leave if the situation can't be saved (as does his wife, but she isn't the one complaining here).

[carhill]

Still, agreeing to a second child he didn't want was bad modeling on his part, not his wife's part.

In this post, by quoting the OP, I outline his wife's responsibility in that dynamic. Having been married, I'm well aware of how convincing a wife can be when she wants something. It's a different form of gaslighting from that which obscures infidelity, but can be just as insidious. In such instances, IMO, the only valid defense is one of trusting with verification, like having said dinner, said sex, and said job. As it stood, he was being sold a bill of goods by someone he loved. Unhealthy. If the doctor's appointment finds her to be in good health, the next step is MC. The OP needs to be proactive. Lead. As suggested by others, leave, if no compromise can be reached.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am not here to protest your wife's innocence, but you have been posting some very inconsistent things.

 

You seem to think she can't handle a lot, and then you are expecting her to be able to go back to full-time day work. So which is it? Either she can handle doing some of her own options or she can't.

 

Just so you know: before you discount the B&B. We are starting one in our own home here in Calgary. Not the most scenic town. They work here as a short-term rental for folks coming in on business etc. who just need a less expensive place to stay. We already have full bookings for the month of May (which isn't even tourist season). Each room generates about $1000 per month, which is a decent income if you have any spare rooms that you can spruce up.

 

There are other lines of work she can do, even from home. I have a friend that runs a gift basket making business. Her primary form of advertisement is a sticker on her truck. In the month of December she made $20,000. She does this all from home. Just so you know I am not kidding: her website: abaskethound.com. (She is nice but I think she has a crappy website).

 

There are many niche businesses that can be started and run from home, giving your wife time with her children and pulling in a decent income.

 

(I wasn't just trying to score free advertising, just trying to back up my points).

 

I get that you are frustrated, but throwing your spouse under the bus will get you nowhere. Not in your marriage, not in a court deciding on your fate, not even on Loveshack. Learning to problem-solve may be a bitch, but not learning to is an even bigger bitch. Try the book Getting the Love you Deserve if you don't know how to go about doing it.

 

And ya, if I told my husband I was going to take 5 years off, he probably be pissed if I didn't give him a good reason. Then we would listen to how each other feels and try the Imago technique to work it out. Because we are definitely not going to agree 100% of the time over 100% of the major issues.

 

Good luck

[fit]

I am not here to protest your wife's innocence, but you have been posting some very inconsistent things.

 

You seem to think she can't handle a lot, and then you are expecting her to be able to go back to full-time day work. So which is it? Either she can handle doing some of her own options or she can't.

 

Just so you know: before you discount the B&B. We are starting one in our own home here in Calgary. Not the most scenic town. They work here as a short-term rental for folks coming in on business etc. who just need a less expensive place to stay. We already have full bookings for the month of May (which isn't even tourist season). Each room generates about $1000 per month, which is a decent income if you have any spare rooms that you can spruce up.

 

There are other lines of work she can do, even from home. I have a friend that runs a gift basket making business. Her primary form of advertisement is a sticker on her truck. In the month of December she made $20,000. She does this all from home. Just so you know I am not kidding: her website: abaskethound.com. (She is nice but I think she has a crappy website).

 

There are many niche businesses that can be started and run from home, giving your wife time with her children and pulling in a decent income.

 

(I wasn't just trying to score free advertising, just trying to back up my points).

 

I get that you are frustrated, but throwing your spouse under the bus will get you nowhere. Not in your marriage, not in a court deciding on your fate, not even on Loveshack. Learning to problem-solve may be a bitch, but not learning to is an even bigger bitch. Try the book Getting the Love you Deserve if you don't know how to go about doing it.

 

And ya, if I told my husband I was going to take 5 years off, he probably be pissed if I didn't give him a good reason. Then we would listen to how each other feels and try the Imago technique to work it out. Because we are definitely not going to agree 100% of the time over 100% of the major issues.

 

Good luck

I said she couldnt handle extra kids...handling an office job is different.

Anyway...we had a long chat and I think she is beginning to understand things better. It IS wrong to make a decision that affects both of your lives long term. I dont care what some of you say...maybe some of your husbands should tell you they want to pursue THEIR dream of being a stay at home dad but it would mean you have to live in an apartment and deplete all of your savings. See how you would feel.

[sweetjasmine]

I said she couldnt handle extra kids...handling an office job is different.

Anyway...we had a long chat and I think she is beginning to understand things better. It IS wrong to make a decision that affects both of your lives long term. I dont care what some of you say...maybe some of your husbands should tell you they want to pursue THEIR dream of being a stay at home dad but it would mean you have to live in an apartment and deplete all of your savings. See how you would feel.

 

I don't understand why you're so emotionally attached to your gigantic house. IMO, your priorities are out of whack.

 

If my husband and I made the mistake of buying more house than we could afford and one of us couldn't work anymore, you bet I'd be moving us into an affordable place. Then again, I was raised to be frugal and not see big houses as absolutely necessary.

[DaisyLeigh]

There are lot of choices between a huge house and a dumpy apartment. Good grief, do you always think so much in "black and white"?

[xxoo]

I don't get the big house thing, either. But I don't come from money. What do I know.

 

I do know that I'd have a very difficult time understanding why we couldn't make it on a 100k salary for a few years. That should afford more than apt in most areas.

[fit]

Some of you people must live in Kansas or something where you can live on 20k a year.

 

I live in the tri state area and we have children in school and involved in activities etc... we have a whole LIFE here. Its not ust about the house and to be honest its not all THAT.

 

And whats with all the sensitivity about weight ? We have always been an active fit FAMILY. I realize this may be a foreign concept to a lot of you but when things that are such an important part of your life as a whole are taken away it does affect things. I like to share things with my whole family..not just me. My feelings are not out of line...we have been to MC and the counselor agrees with me and encourages us to get back to doing things together. Which we are doing and its going well.

I will say despite being heavy I am still very attracted to my wife, but I know it bothers HER. A lot. And as a result it affects US.

Some of you(not all) may be happy living in a shack, some of you may not care if you or your spouse are obese...I do. I'd rather be the family playing baseball in the backyard than stuffing my face at Mcdonalds.

If your comfortable being that way, good for you---Im not.

 

So to each his own.