How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[Chrome Barracuda]

...you did the right thing!!! let her go the the OM.

 

and what does she mean by "Your breaking our deal?"

 

I can understand why her parents dont want you to file for divorce but you gotta have self respect and protect yourself.

 

She wants outta the marriage so badly then whats the point of being married to her???

 

Sounds like she only does what she wants to do. Stick the screws to her and do not communicate with her unless it's about business...

 

And if you ant got no kids, damn sure dont talk to her! time to move on. and the next time she gets outta hand hang up on her!

[Jeff1962]

Hey if she needs money why doesn't she go ask the OM. Let her figure that out.

 

I could not agree more. He's screwing her so he can help take care of her when she needs it.

 

Stick to your guns mate. Don't let her play you.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

LOL! "I feel like you're breaking our deal!"

 

What about the deal you're breaking when your jockin' some other dude?

 

You should thank youy lucky stars you don't have any kids with her...

[xxoo]

Glad to hear the meeting went well!

 

. She kept asking me to admit that cutting off cards was an F'd up move. We all see the irony so I won't comment on that....

 

Ha!

She sounds incredibly immature. As well as heartless, of course.

 

You will be SO much better off without her.

[seibert253]

LOL! "I feel like you're breaking our deal!"

 

What about the deal you're breaking when your jockin' some other dude?

 

You should thank youy lucky stars you don't have any kids with her...

 

Was thinkin the exact same thing when I read that.

 

You've got an excellent exit stratagy planned. Stick to it. Have her served, go NC, and let your attorney iron out the details.

 

She's gonna either be ice cold, or all lovey dovey trying to play you right back into it. Don't fall for it. She's way far gone.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Let me just say that all the words of encouragement really help, a lot.

 

I'll be completely honest right now - I'm far from over the loss, even though I know what has to be done. Posting here helps.

 

I think I mentioned it on a previous post that what I think I'm missing most is female conpanionship and sex, as opposed to my STBX specifically. I think it's cause she was my source for both for a LONG time.

 

I know those days are done. I also know (& my shrink tells me) I'm vulerenable right now so a relationship probably isn't the most healthy thing to do at this point. However, I miss having chicks to talk to and roll around with (for lack of a better term).

 

Many of you guys have been here, at this point. Any advice??

Also, so there's no misunderstandings, I'm moving ahead with my plan to D still. I can do WAY better than this sh**.

[Jeff1962]

Let me just say that all the words of encouragement really help, a lot.

 

I'll be completely honest right now - I'm far from over the loss, even though I know what has to be done. Posting here helps.

 

I think I mentioned it on a previous post that what I think I'm missing most is female conpanionship and sex, as opposed to my STBX specifically. I think it's cause she was my source for both for a LONG time.

 

I know those days are done. I also know (& my shrink tells me) I'm vulerenable right now so a relationship probably isn't the most healthy thing to do at this point. However, I miss having chicks to talk to and roll around with (for lack of a better term).

 

Many of you guys have been here, at this point. Any advice??

Also, so there's no misunderstandings, I'm moving ahead with my plan to D still. I can do WAY better than this sh**.

 

In simple terms, find a f**k buddy. No strings attached and just go at it like animals in heat.

[stampdaddy]

I was there (alot of us were there).. when I was like 26-27 I got divorced. I thought "well, that's it! No more girls are out there, no more sex, nobody good left". WHat a fool I was...

 

I did go through a period of what I call now, "spite sex". I f*cked everything that moved. That got old REAL quick...

 

Don't sweat it, don't worry about there not being other chicks to roll around with, there are TOO MANY out there, actually.

 

But first things first: Make yourself "well" first. Try not to drag this "baggage" into your next relationships, cause it will only blow up on you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You need to move on...

 

File for divorce first, and then find someone else. She is crazy and you need to run away!

[Disintegration]

I would definitely wait before you jump into another relationship. I know you miss the company of a female but you are going to be going through a divorce, you need to get through that first before you can move on. I don't know about sleeping around at this point either, yeah it might get your mind off it for the time being but you don't want to risk any std's either. I think you need to hang out with close friends to get your mind off of things. You need a great support system whether it be friends or family. I think therapy is also beneficial for you right now as well which I'm sure is helping you tremendously. Glad you are finding some sort of strength through our replies. As time goes on you'll feel better.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would definitely wait before you jump into another relationship. I know you miss the company of a female but you are going to be going through a divorce, you need to get through that first before you can move on. I don't know about sleeping around at this point either, yeah it might get your mind off it for the time being but you don't want to risk any std's either. I think you need to hang out with close friends to get your mind off of things. You need a great support system whether it be friends or family. I think therapy is also beneficial for you right now as well which I'm sure is helping you tremendously. Glad you are finding some sort of strength through our replies. As time goes on you'll feel better.

 

STD's??? well not every woman is gonna be disease free. I'm saying choose carefully and use condoms. but remember with condoms you might catch something anyways.

 

That's why i advocate filing for divorce first. grieving and then dating, but if you want to date around. no one's holding a gun to your head to remain married to a cheater.

 

File for divorce and leave, simple as that. She doesnt sound like wife material.

[hopesndreams]

A few things that have been missed:

 

*Avoid drama! This isn't a contest 2 see who can screw the other over the most, or a comparison of notes on how well you're doing and how crazy she is. There's a good reason for NC in a si2ation like this one - staying out of the messy drama she's trying 2 drag you in2 in order 2 justify or rationalize why she's doing what she's doing.

 

*Do what you need 2 for you 2 be able 2 look back on this time in later years and know you did the best you could 2 preserve your dignity.

 

*Exposure is about telling the truth. It's not a revenge weapon. Frankly, if the affair is so wonderful, she won't mind the whole world knowing about it, would she? You should find out who the OM is and expose 2 his family. If he's married, definitely his W. If he has a girlfriend, her. But you also should expose 2 their employer. Most companies won't care what their employees do in "private" (really, "SECRET"), but some companies, particularly big ones beholden 2 the public for their finances, will discipline affairees in the workplace. Some companies don't take 2 kindly 2 affairs being supported (phone calls, email accounts) at the expense of their efficiency as an employee and unbeknownst 2 them.

 

*Don't date until your divorce is finalized. Separated is still married. You do this for personal integrity reasons as well as 2 avoid doing 2 someone else what's being done 2 you - because dating while your married is "having an affair." Sound familiar? It should. So don't do it.

In summary, you conduct yourself as though you're receptive 2 recovery because you ARE - *YOUR* recovery.

 

Recovering from an affair is incredibly hard work. That's why, since you're young and have no kids, most people will recommend you divorce and chalk this up 2 experience on the road 2 wisdom.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Agreed. Don't take the chance of jumping into another relationship and ending up with someone even worse than your W. Work on finding inner happiness within you. Do not expect others to make you happy. As for just having the sex thing with some playtoy, good luck with that if that is the route you plan on taking. You will most likely end up just being bitter and angry with yourself and end up alone.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Great posts you guys, thanks again for all the support.

 

Here's the latest. I realized earlier this afternoon that I was acting like I was in a pissing match trying to get the strongest reaction out of my STBX as possible. I realized, F that, that's not what I want - I just want out and to move on by spending as little as possible.

 

I called up my STBX this afternoon and leveled with her - "I want out and so do you... We're done and Im going to work with you to expedite this so I can move on ASAP." She agreed with that and I told her she's going to get served when I get home and we'll talk only business for now on.

 

After hearing all this she was silent and I asked, "hello, you okay??" and she replies, "yeah, I'm just sad" to which I say "you'll feel much better when this is all finalized."

 

I figure it this way - keep your friends close, but your enemies (my STBX) closer. By holding her hand (figure of speech) and walking her through this mine field my way, I can ensure that there are less curve balls or vindictive BS drama along the way.

 

So far, so good. I served her, she asked a few questions about what comes next, she signed the Certificate of Service and off I went to my bedroom. Peaceful slumber tonight gents...!

 

I'm a gentlemen at heart and I'm tired of the games, frankly. I just want out and to move on & heal. Based on how today went I'm begining to see that she may try to rope me back in as we get closer to finalizing.

 

I'll be sure to keep my guard up and avoid her like the Fu**ing plague (but for business).

Edited March 3, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27

[Trojan John]

Keep your head up, m8.

 

You're handling this remarkably well, and I hope you continue to do so.

 

CHeers

[bestplayer]

Great posts you guys, thanks again for all the support.

 

Here's the latest. I realized earlier this afternoon that I was acting like I was in a pissing match trying to get the strongest reaction out of my STBX as possible. I realized, F that, that's not what I want - I just want out and to move on by spending as little as possible.

 

I called up my STBX this afternoon and leveled with her - "I want out and so do you... We're done and Im going to work with you to expedite this so I can move on ASAP." She agreed with that and I told her she's going to get served when I get home and we'll talk only business for now on.

 

After hearing all this she was silent and I asked, "hello, you okay??" and she replies, "yeah, I'm just sad" to which I say "you'll feel much better when this is all finalized."

 

I figure it this way - keep your friends close, but your enemies (my STBX) closer. By holding her hand (figure of speech) and walking her through this mine field my way, I can ensure that there are less curve balls or vindictive BS drama along the way.

 

So far, so good. I served her, she asked a few questions about what comes next, she signed the Certificate of Service and off I went to my bedroom. Peaceful slumber tonight gents...!

 

I'm a gentlemen at heart and I'm tired of the games, frankly. I just want out and to move on & heal. Based on how today went I'm begining to see that she may try to rope me back in as we get closer to finalizing.

 

I'll be sure to keep my guard up and avoid her like the Fu**ing plague (but for business).

 

ok so she is saying she is sad , just tell her after all of this mess she put u through , what she's saying is laughable

[GreenX]

I'm glad everything went well and I have to agree, game playing right now is pretty much unnecessary. I think as you said that towards the finalizing she'll try and rope you in.. I have to agree, I'm sure she will. And of course she is sad. She caused this. She is now facing the consequences of her actions.

 

Continue to stand your ground and follow through with this. Don't buckle down at the knees now.. stay in control of your life and don't look back!

 

Goodluck!

[ConflictedGuy27]

Hang in there, your plan is excellent! Letting her rope you in will only delay your plans and cause hard feelings in the end. The only reason she's sad is that you didn't allow her to be a cake eater.

 

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I said it before and I'll say again, this whole thing is far from over emotionally , etc. What I mean by that is I know (intellectually) that were done and things between my STBX & I can never be the same, thanks to her! There's still a soft spot in my heart for her though.

 

I'm begining to see how much dicipline is required when going thru a D, espicially when you're the one being dumped. As the dumpee I have to switch it. I have to not only realize she's an uncaring bitch, which she is, but also behave in a way that shows the strength and resolve to say "Fu** you, I'm out!" and actually stick to it no matter what...

 

I must say I'm eagerly anticipating the day/moment when she realizes she's the one that F'd up and admits it in a waterfall of tears and humiliation. I don't know if that day'll come; nor do I know if I should even waste my time expecting it, but damn you know... In my own way, I want retribution dammit, I want karma to kick in and stick it's foot right up her ass in a was I can see it and enjoy every second.

 

That's how I feel this morning as I can hear her getting ready for work in the other bedroom. This is what I mean when I say she F's with me when inside my space - I'll get these feelings like "get the he'll out you skank!!" or "show some F'ing remorse for what you've done...!!"

 

I guess only time and staying the course will grant my wish.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I'm glad everything went well and I have to agree, game playing right now is pretty much unnecessary. I think as you said that towards the finalizing she'll try and rope you in.. I have to agree, I'm sure she will. And of course she is sad. She caused this. She is now facing the consequences of her actions.

 

Continue to stand your ground and follow through with this. Don't buckle down at the knees now.. stay in control of your life and don't look back!

 

Goodluck!

 

I found some real encouragement in this post, thank you very much. I appreciate everyone's input.

 

I'll keep posting until this is over & done with. Btw, she's blasting breakup songs in the other room like a heart broken teenager, lol. I'll take that for now but I want to witness som. Serious KARMA!! C'mon karma!!

[Chrome Barracuda]

You dont need karma all the time, living well is the best thing you could do. But y'all should sell that house or she should move out asap. You need to get some breathing room. She wants a D, you shouldn't have to be in the same area if she's doing other dudes.

 

That's not right...

 

File for divorce. Move on with your life...

The more strong and assertive you are, she will be attracted to that. Sometimes that jerk thing girls go crazy for. Something they cant have or something they cant tame and control. they really just want, something like a challenge to them.

 

Maybe im wrong.

 

But if she's still with the OM, then you do not talk to her, unless it's about divorce or law stuff and you file for divorce asap, because in some states if she gets pregoo with someone else while married to you, you are financially responsible for that baby. I would be damned if it happens to me.

[seibert253]

I found some real encouragement in this post, thank you very much. I appreciate everyone's input.

 

I'll keep posting until this is over & done with. Btw, she's blasting breakup songs in the other room like a heart broken teenager, lol. I'll take that for now but I want to witness som. Serious KARMA!! C'mon karma!!

 

I do believe it's starting to sink in. Stand by it's gonna get interesting.

 

Maintain your focus, move forward not in reverse.

[Ms. Red]

It's refreshing to see a man do the right thing for himself and not become a doormat. I know a lot of stories where that happens because the man is pulled so hard by his attachment to his children. It's much easier when there are no children. Easier but not easy.

 

You are doing great and have a good attitude with all that has been thrown at you. Here's my advice for interaction with your STBX. Silence is easy and effective. If it has nothing to do with the "business" of divorce then give her the "no response" response. I've done this with my husband (separated 4 yrs) and it helps me through his nasty phone calls where he's trying to get a reaction from me. It also helps during the conversations where he's in a "poor me" slump. I just repeat in my head that he's brought all his problems on himself.

 

If I felt myself feeling bad for him while listening to him, I would think of one of the worst things he ever did to me and the anger it made me feel. All while continuing my silence. If the calls went too long I would interrupt and say I was busy with something and had to go. If he was at my house, I would busy myself with something and seem like I was half ass listening. We have a child so he does come over.

 

If your STBX comes at you with emotional crap and you don't respond, that will just make her feel worse that you don't seem to give a crap. (this is coming from personal experience) If she asks you if you even care I think a good response is: "It's just business between you & I from here on out."

 

My guess is at some point she will want to have the talk, the discussion of "her" feelings involving all this. My opinion is that you just remain by all her accounts, emotionally detached. Even if you have to run it off or punch your pillow in the privacy of your bedroom, don't let her see you sweat. Keep it all inside and away from her. Don't let her see you angry or hurt. It protects your dignity in the long run.

 

I've done this w/ my husband and only had to show my emotions once when he showed up at my house wasted and started calling my friend a fa**ot.

 

Just my opinions and advice the way I see it. I hope it all goes well for you. You are doing a great job so far! I wish you well. =^-^=

[2.50 a gallon]

Perhaps I missed it, but have you exposed the affair to the HR department of the workplace. Many businesses have rules against such conduct, you might get the OM fired. Cut off this scumbags b*lls. Not a good time to be without a job.

[stampdaddy]

Perhaps I missed it, but have you exposed the affair to the HR department of the workplace. Many businesses have rules against such conduct, you might get the OM fired. Cut off this scumbags b*lls. Not a good time to be without a job.

 

and what does this do?? You don't know what the OM has been told by this dudes lying, cheating wife. For all we know (and I would bet) he has been told the marriage is over, kaput, done with... He may have even been told that the OP knew she was going to Vegas for the weekend and could care less.... WE don't know and heck, this poor fella doesnt even know.. so why go there. He needs to look FORWARD and not continually into this mess...

[Church Bells]

Perhaps I missed it, but have you exposed the affair to the HR department of the workplace. Many businesses have rules against such conduct, you might get the OM fired. Cut off this scumbags b*lls. Not a good time to be without a job.

 

Personally, I agree with such a tactic.

 

Internet forums are filled with primarily passive advice ... I'm not sure why ... although I have my own theories ... but IMHO pure "revenge" is a highly under-rated theraputic tactic.

 

FWIW, I happen to live in an area where revenge is an acceptable way of responding to being wronged, and personal grudges are rarely forgiven.

 

Also, I don't believe in the myth of "karma".

Edited March 3, 2010 by Church Bells

[stillafool]

Conflicted guy you can bet she will get "hers" and you probably won't even care when it does come around to her. You just take the high road and leave the rest to "karma" or whatever. Her punishment will be so harsh that you will pray it stops. Your best life is ahead of you.