My H's personality

[FeelingLonely98]

Beyond repair--if I saw honest atonement, then no. But I've been trying to see remorse for 5 years and haven't seen it!

Yes, looking for greater understanding. Seems to be a need of mine even if there was remorse on his part, and if there isn't too. I want to know what the hell I've been through.

Told him about hurt absolutely--5 years ago crying screaming it to him, now I don't say a word.

No children from this second marriage, I am free to go as far as that is concerned.

 

You are very lucky ...

[FeelingLonely98]

So, what's the latest YGG? Are you still in the same boat as you were a few months ago?

[sally4sara]

As children, faced with punishment, we learn to lie to the people closest to us. Whether to avoid punishment or disappointing people we hold in regard, it can be a tough habit to break.

 

Have you ever shown him that its okay to screw up? That he will still be loved even if you're unhappy with something he has done? Or that if he cannot handle something alone that you will not resent his need for your help?

 

I'm thinking of my past marriage where he would go out to run a quick errand but not come home till 5am without calling to let me know what was up. I'd say "just call" and he'd counter that I'd just holler at him.

Yet he never called to find out if this were true. And he'd sure get hollered at after he came home.

 

The keylogger and the "you only need to know what I tell you" vibe does have me worried about your health though. It is the folks who think this way and act this way that cheat the most.

[sally4sara]

I was rather nervous each year when my birthday would come around. Summertime...

he'd throw a huge surprise party. I'm not fond of surprise parties, and told him, didn't matter, every year I got one. Really put me on the spot in an embarrassing way. Lavish gifts for others to see--sure, especially jewerly. But the worst of it was getting so snockered that I had to take over my own surprise party after he passed out--and I didn't know what was for dinner, where the utensils were, the condiments, etc. It was a real panic for me with 40 people wondering who is watching the grill.

He finally stopped when I made it impossible one year.

Honestly I don't think he ever realized if that was selfish in anyway.

Now he thinks I am quite sure--that I have ruined the party that was our life.

All of this was so foreign to me I had no comprehension--I had been with my first H for 20 years, a very quiet humble thrifty type. One extreme to the other.

 

Ewwww.....sigh. Narcissistic. Never mind my other post. this one might be a foregone conclusion.

[Minnie09]

 

The keylogger and the "you only need to know what I tell you" vibe does have me worried about your health though. It is the folks who think this way and act this way that cheat the most.

 

Why is that, though?

Why is that so common?

What's the logic behind it? It seems unlogical, so there must be a "crazy" thinking process underneath it. Or a "crazy" emotional/mental wiring?

It would be logical for a cheater to say, "Hey, I don't ask what you do, but in return, my dear, you don't ask what I do."

But they cheat, while having their SO on the overly-jealous, short leash.

 

Some insight from anybody?

Edited May 6, 2010 by Minnie09

[sally4sara]

Why is that, though?

Why is that so common?

What's the logic behind it? It seems unlogical, so there must be a "crazy" thinking process underneath it. Or a "crazy" emotional/mental wiring?

It would be logical for a cheater to say, "Hey, I don't ask what you do, but in return, my dear, you don't ask what I do."

But they cheat, while having their SO on the overly-jealous, short leash.

 

Some insight from anybody?

 

Cheaters are some of the most paranoid folk. They think everyone is doing what they do so they accuse and snoop. They do not know honor, so they doubt anyone else can be honorable.

[Gunny376]

Why is that, though?

Why is that so common?

What's the logic behind it? It seems unlogical, so there must be a "crazy" thinking process underneath it. Or a "crazy" emotional/mental wiring?

It would be logical for a cheater to say, "Hey, I don't ask what you do, but in return, my dear, you don't ask what I do."

But they cheat, while having their SO on the overly-jealous, short leash.

 

Some insight from anybody?

 

Something I picked up off of the TV the other day?

 

12 million Americans contracted an STD last year!

 

And half of them didn't know it!

 

When it comes to sex and me these days?

 

I believe in "threesomes!"

 

Me! Her! And an MD!

 

I don't need one of those "gifts" that keep on giving!

[You Go Girl]

My fellow LS good people,

I saw my thread had been revived. I quickly shut down LS and hid away from here. Can't I stay in obscurity and talk the talk to others without facing myself? Ummm...no! It should be a rule here--everybody has to bare their soul.

 

Updates:

Tonight, I was basically set free. Roommate H asked me when I was moving to my cottage. Snidely said, that must be your plan since there is no emotional involvement.

I chided back: Am I in your way? And, I'll make efforts to go.

But what it really is to me, wussy punk that I am to some degree, is like letting me go, setting me free. I needed him to say it, not me.

 

Starting a month or so ago, I have been living in the EA fog. I have done little to accomplish my financial goals, digging deeper into debt. A year and a half ago I met someone through others, and noticed immediately that this person and I understood each other. Slowly, the only crush during my marriage ensued. I avoided this person for months at a time thinking it would fade. It didn't.

It became somewhat physical recently. I then backed away. I'm not out of the house yet, roommates for a year or not, and the guilt was crushing. Starting anything with somebody new has been painful. There is a constant reminder everyday when I go home just what fell apart. This is the slow death of a marriage, the worst and most painful. I think those who leave suddenly are perhaps better off. So this new relationship has caused me pain because it is the proof that I will never go back, all hope is gone. From me, the person who refused to give up, no matter what it cost me...so many years of unhappiness. And never once did he come clean, the alcohol is used for self-medicating as always, and lately, I have been drinking somewhat too, to alleviate what I am going through. Not a good thing. I gave up alcohol after watching him for years, as he liked me to drink with him. Even recently he has bought me cases of wine, noticing that I was drinking a glass or two again.

So if some of you give me a sharp kick in the pants, I won't say I don't deserve it. I'm not out the door. Broken the rules, my own rules. Must leave first.

This new relationship--my eyes are open. It could be fleeting, I don't know. I've still been in the fog though. Just a hug after no affection for a year has made me feel like a human deserving of affection. Not that I didn't cut off the affection in my marriage--I did. He could have me while being honest, or he could have craigslist casuals and porn and lies, but not both.

I noticed something about myself and relationships. I immediately went into serious mode with this man. I do this automatically, although I don't say anything to the man to give this away...but it's how I think. I don't know how to casually date. I had one relationship between my first and second husbands, and it too was serious, although strictly online except for one meeting in person with a simple kiss. I never had sex with anyone between my husbands. I need to watch that--only know how to do serious relationships stuff.

I fall too fast. I fall too hard. I've been in the fog, love chemicals in my brain like that savage garden song. Haven't wanted to deal with the reality of my financial situation.

At the same time, this relationship is a little different in me. I'm so much stronger now? If it died tomorrow, I'd be ok. Perhaps not all that attached yet. But something else too--a belief I can go it alone, and will be soon.

 

Time to get back to focusing on finances, selling my wares. I feel motivated after that release question of when I was moving to my cottage.

I had to watch this marriage disentegrate for so many years because I couldn't wrap my head around his issues. I fell apart watching, became so co-dependent it's an illness in itself and I got a bad case of it. I hung out until the bitter end, or is it the marriage that goes out with a wimper instead of a bang. Even during the last year of celibacy I had hope. I don't know what I ever thought was going to change, because nothing ever did.

We don't ever have to give up in life, but we do have to give in.

[Gunny376]

Figthing myself back into soberity, I can relate. The antidpresnets and anxiety meds help A lot!

 

A PM from an Austrialia led me to them to "Killer Elite" A story about a Marine Combat Unit during the

 

Second Gulf War.

 

 

Perhpas I should be ashamed or discared by being so weak minded to seek help? But I'm not! "We were soliders once? Young and brave!" Comes to mind?

 

I guess a little of us all died in that damned war!

[trippi1432]

Figthing myself back into soberity, I can relate. The antidpresnets and anxiety meds help A lot!

 

A PM from an Austrialia led me to them to "Killer Elite" A story about a Marine Combat Unit during the

 

Second Gulf War.

 

 

Perhpas I should be ashamed or discared by being so weak minded to seek help? But I'm not! "We were soliders once? Young and brave!" Comes to mind?

 

I guess a little of us all died in that damned war!

 

Gunny!! Don't you ever feel weak or ashamed for finding the help you need!! Not only does war have its affects on you, the military training has long lasting affects as well. It's the past that makes you who you are, but it is also the past that you have to overcome. A part of you, but a stronger and more resilient part of you to come. Hang in there and keep with the meds and do the therapy....even groups..those help too. Hugs to you my Southern Gent. :love::love: