The day I've been dreading is almost here

[Mary3]

With all due respect OP:

 

What makes you think mingling the finances once you are engaged is going to change how irresponsible he is ?

 

What makes you think he won't hide future credit card bills from you ?

 

What makes you think he wont ALWAYS expect you to foot the bills and act as the Gravy Train ?

 

I can answer that for you : You are very generous person. It is NO mistake that he is with you. That you are the responsible one.

 

Please at least get duo financial counseling and see if this guy is who you want.

[ruthlessflower]

While it is a valid point that your young and shouldn't rush into things, if you are mature enough and believe this is what you want, I don't see why you have to give up on your dream of marriage. It's not as if he's been blind to your decision to get married, and it's not a last minute decision.

 

Honestly he doesn't sound responsible and you need someone on the same wavelength and someone you can trust, rely on and believe you have a future together. Like it's being said, the day has come. Get your stuff together and leave for a few weeks...if he wants you he'll come find you.

 

BTW, my bf is 26 (in a few weeks) and he wants to get married so some men are ready.

[DolceVenganza]

Man, I had that ultimatum slung on me and it was the worst thing she could have done for the potential of our relationship. EVERY man knows you women want to be married and probably MUCH sooner than we do, ESPECIALLY if your parents in a happy and healthy marriage!

 

The ultimatum you threw down on him was your death knell. Moreover, the way he has handled your relationship, had you pay for him, not be financially responsible as any man should be, and not meet your deadline...well, lady, there's your answer.

 

From the response of your posts you WANT a marriage and are just slotting this BF into that role, despite the fact A) he doesn't willingly want to (you had to give him a deadline, which rips the magic out of it for any mang) B) he isn't suited for the role (despite your feelings, he is not demonstrating skills, talents, or duties of a husband necessary to meet your needs.)

 

-------------------------------------

 

Now...as a near-30 year old man, at 25 I was a baby. My gf at that time threw down an ultimatum, loosely, about being married after 1-2 years of dating. I didn't feel special. It wasn't a mutual decision. It was pressure. I fit her plan, but she didn't fit OUR plan. In addition, it was constant pressure since I missed that deadline by lightyears.

 

I had only know that girl for 10% of my life, and yet she wanted me to make a decision that would affect 80% of MORE of the life I had left, based on knowing her for 1-2 years???

 

Sorry, but you women are nuts that think men should enter legally binding screw-job contracts after only a few short years. And you wonder why men throw around the phrase 'pre-nup.' I see nothing gained through marriage, except through IMPLIED exchange, that being companionship and perhaps exchange of services (man does man things, women does women things).

 

He could love you all you want...

Have babies...

Share the same faith...

Live together...

Take vacations...

 

Etc, etc, and do that without legal binding that really only screws the men over. Being a goal is not like having a goal to save X dollars, sell X products, lose Xlbs of weight, ETC. You can't put a personal relationship into a confined window of a goal, no matter how much the media or hormones say as much. The unwitting victim will just run.

 

But as I said, and given your lack of communication with the post, move on. If it's true love and you care, you both will come back. You're still SO young. As someone who consults with couples everyday, there's no rush, especially for something as serious as legally binding marriage, whether religion has a place or not.

[thom3]

Here's how we did it: We dated for 3 years (lived together for one) and then I proposed. I loved her and she loved me, and we were ready to do this for the long haul. This is a no brainer. If your situation seems a lot more complicated, it's because there's something wrong.

 

Ignore all this crap about how guys don't want to get married or that you're being too domineering, etc. If after dating for more than 3 years, your man still doesn't want to marry you, you got only 2 realistic possibilities here:

 

1. That man doesn't see you as wife material. Or,

2. That man is insecure (i.e., a loser) and feels overwhelmed by the fact that he has no career plan and no future mapped yet. He would prefer not to think about all those stressful "grown-up things" and would prefer to drag on the status quo as long as possible.

 

26 is not that young, by the time the wedding happens, he'll be 28 and you 26. This is pretty average, even among the college-educated group.

 

Some of the posters here are being way too harsh on the OP (projecting a little?). And anyone who tells you "marriage is just some piece of paper" has their head up their ass and are unfit to give you any relationship advice.

Edited March 15, 2010 by thom3

[Tnerforireyeh]

He's been putting off the inevitable breakup for 4 years

 

I did the same thing with a girl once. I just kept putting her off and putting her off, etc . etc. I never intended to marry her but I enjoyed our relationship. Then one day she left, and that was that. I started dating others.

[Mary3]

He's been putting off the inevitable breakup for 4 years

 

I did the same thing with a girl once. I just kept putting her off and putting her off, etc . etc. I never intended to marry her but I enjoyed our relationship. Then one day she left, and that was that. I started dating others.

 

Hey this EXACT thing happened to a girl at work. She wanted a proposal and waited one year. He did not want to get married . Then she got a job offer 500 miles away. He encouraged her to take the job.

 

As she had the moving truck loaded up he BROKE up with her !

 

So ultimately you can't force someone into doing something like marriage...If its not what they want...

[SummerLady]

i agree with above poster, but would change it to, stop wasting his time, as opposed to him wasting yours.

 

I never said you shouldn't leave him over it, I just wonder whether there will come a time when you realise you let someone you love go, just because he didnt do what you wanted.

 

There are alot of single people who would kill for the chance of a great relationship with someone who they love and who loves them, regardless of marriage. Just try to realise what you're throwing away before you do it.

 

I see your point Malenfant BUT if marriage is important to someone you are with and love why the power struggle about it? It is def an issue that he does not want what she wants. The whole point is to have a fit and want the same things. I agree that a piece of paper means nothing much but that is not the point here. There may be hesitation on his part as he is not sure or maybe he does not want to be married to anyone. If she in turn wants to be married as she desires this piece of paper then we have a problem 2 people wanting 2 different things, the reason does not matter. Period..

[Crazy Magnet]

Based on his financial issues I'd run like HELL. It's only going to get worse from here.

 

#1 Reason couples argue and end things: money.

 

Buy some tennis shoes and take off!

[Stung]

Hey everyone. Im 22. I am about to graduate from college. I am psychology and sociology major and have taken a few classes recently concentrating in marriage and divorce, which has gotten me to think about marriage. I rarely sit around and think about it, but I do have a boyfriend of a year who has never said "I love you" so Im considering ending it since we obviously dont have a future and I want to start looking for a guy soon interested in the same things as me. He prob is not this guy.

I consider myself to be a bit more mature than people my age but Im not saying that to be arrogant, of course I have things wrong with me. But, I view marriage seriously, as in I will be with that person forever and will try very hard to make it work and not turn to other things when times get hard. I am petrified of getting divorced because of all the terrible divorces in my family and the way its severely affected my aunts. Not trying to be sexist, but all of my aunts husbands cheated on them like crazy and they eventually left. My mother tells me all of them were very good devoted wives who would do anything for their husbands but led a well balanced life...but their husbands got bored and wanted some "fresh vagina" Then they made the typical "Oh Im a guy. I have a penis and look at women. Its my biological nature, oh wait I may have a sex addiction problem but its not a big deal" Tiger Woods crap. I was surprised because my uncles never seemed like that. I will never tolerate cheating so I really want to make sure its right when I get married so I hopefully wont get a divorce.

 

I said all this background info so people dont bite my head off for saying this: I personally am tired of hearing excuses for men under the age of 26 who dont want to get married. It isnt about age, its maturity. Under 26 is NOT too young to get married. I think waiting is a good idea if youre not sure, but if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life and you have the money to do so, what are you waiting for? If you're a guy who is under 26 but wants to marry your long term girlfriend but feels you cannot do so because you're "too young" 1) Grow up 2) You actually dont want to marry your long term girlfriend

 

I know Im only 22, but 90% of my friends are 2-3 years older. About half of my friends are engaged or married. I have a few couple friends who are 21 or 22 and are engaged. I really dont think most of them will get divorced and Im not saying that because I see theyre crazy in love. My brother and his wife dated for 7 years and got married right after they graduated from college. My more mature friends are naturally the ones who are married/engaged. I am going to graduate school soon and want to get married when I have money, so I def am NOT one of those girls who wants to get married first and the thought of planning a wedding puts me off. I am more excited about being married as an idea than planning a wedding and telling people Im engaged.

 

Under 26 is not too young to get married if you want to spend your life with that person, and Im tired of people putting a timeline on things if theyre right. Yes, most people nowadays tend to get married late 20's and 30's because women are going to school and working and not putting family first and blah blah blah but its not a rule. And honestly, when my guy friends hear that "Oh, under 26 is waaaay too young to get married" they get influenced to go the opposite way and pursue being a bachelor more, even if they are with the girl they love!!!

 

 

Clearly you have strong feelings about this, and in your opinion under 26 is not too young to marry. Others, including myself, disagree, and we have our reasons, even if you are tired of hearing them.

 

The trick for you, if you are determined to get married by 26, is to find a man whose beliefs on age and marriage are compatible with yours. Since you claim that pretty much your entire social circle and local culture thinks the way you do about timelines, this should not too big a problem for you. Good luck.

[ADF]

You've done exactly the right thing, and I respect you for your strength. The fact is, many guys just don't want to get married, period.

 

There was a time when getting married was a man's ticket to full adult personhood. If a man wanted to live with a woman, to have a sex life, to maintain the respect of his family and community, he needed to get married. Even employers once regarded perpetual bachelors as immature, unstable, and (possibly) unreliable.

 

None of that is true anymore. There is nothing a man might want--love, sex, companionship--that he needs marriage in order to get. Nothing. For men, the incentive to marry is basically gone. Today, many men no longer see getting married as a ticket to adulthood. They see it as the end of their youth, the death of their freedom, and they fear financial ruin in the case of divorce. More and more men are weighing the pros and cons and deciding not to marry.

 

However, they can't see what that says to women. When a man refuses to marry a woman, he is sending her a clear message: I want an easy out. No matter how long they've been together, no matter how many years of HER life the woman has invested in the man, he wants the freedom to walk away from her at any time, never having to look back and owing her nothing. How can this not make women feel unloved and unwanted?

[doublescorpio]

As my chiropracter says "Theres never a good time to get married and have kids. In your 20's you dont have enough money, in your 30's you dont have enough energy and in your 40's....well its slim pickens"

 

I would fire that chiropractor. People that generalize like that bother me.

 

One thing that stands out to me is that all your talk about "so and so being mature and so and so is not mature" is really judgmental. Do you know what being so judgmental is a sign of? Immaturity. I would hate having someone around me who is judging me and my situation and whether I am mature or not. That is your opinion, but it may not be accurate. In high school 'mature' was someone who had sex before other people. Now, mature at least to me is someone who has experienced death, birth, tragedies and miracles, someone who has been in multiple situations in life and has come out the other side able to make them self a better person and those around them benefit too. But I don't even call that maturity anymore, I call that 'wisdom' or 'life experience' since maturity is so relative.

 

While I agree with you that young marriage can work and is worth believing in, don't forget that many people who do not believe in young marriage have this 'wisdom' and 'life experience' that you do not. Have you ever sat beside someone while they die? Have you ever had to deal with someones addictions? How about the miscarriage of a baby? What about financial debt? Infidelity? Mental or physical illness? How about the birth or adoption of a child? Or any other situation that can include enormous trust between a couple. These are situations that people everyday have to deal with as they get older, and they have to do it together if they are in a marriage. These things can make or break a marriage but being that bit older, more experienced in life and wise in its ways will help their situation be just that bit better. Thai is just my opinion, based off life experience.

 

I do agree with you that it is irritating to hear often from men only (and rarely females) that 26 and under is too young for marriage, but if they are saying that then something about them is obviously not ready. If a man says that because that is what Bruce, Joe, Ryan and Steve say then he is just following the leader. But if a man truly feels that is too young, then I would respect how he feels and try to understand. Many men are put off by expenses: Today the average cost of a wedding is over $26,000 in the USA and Canada. In my city the average price of buying a home is close to the 1 million dollar mark. The cost of having a baby for the first two years of its life is between $12,000 to $26,000 usually depending on whether it needs child care, which can cost 20% of the parents income. These kinds of numbers I would think should put most men off marriage for crying out loud! It is all about expectations. I am 24 and my partner is 25, he was not too excited about the marriage and growing up process until we sat down and talked about it. I told him I wanted to elope in a beautiful place, my parents were giving us $10,000 to do so as they support my position on eloping, I told my partner I did not want to buy a home in this city and also that I was not interested in children for several more years. Once he realized that we would be living within our means and had little to worry about financially he became very excited and we are now planning our trip to elope and future together.

 

My point is it is all relative, and that there are tons of factors involved in marriage decision making. If you are upfront about how you feel about marriage, and that you could be ready as soon as you find 'the one' and clarify and financial issues the fellow may be concerned about there could be opportunity for lasting success...

[Mary3]

You've done exactly the right thing, and I respect you for your strength. The fact is, many guys just don't want to get married, period.

 

There was a time when getting married was a man's ticket to full adult personhood. If a man wanted to live with a woman, to have a sex life, to maintain the respect of his family and community, he needed to get married. Even employers once regarded perpetual bachelors as immature, unstable, and (possibly) unreliable.

 

None of that is true anymore. There is nothing a man might want--love, sex, companionship--that he needs marriage in order to get. Nothing. For men, the incentive to marry is basically gone. Today, many men no longer see getting married as a ticket to adulthood. They see it as the end of their youth, the death of their freedom, and they fear financial ruin in the case of divorce. More and more men are weighing the pros and cons and deciding not to marry.

 

However, they can't see what that says to women. When a man refuses to marry a woman, he is sending her a clear message: I want an easy out. No matter how long they've been together, no matter how many years of HER life the woman has invested in the man, he wants the freedom to walk away from her at any time, never having to look back and owing her nothing. How can this not make women feel unloved and unwanted?

 

This is the most powerful and honest insightful thing I have ever read regarding marriage.

[marsle85]

I'm 24 and he's 26

 

What's the rush?

[boogieboy]

What's the rush?

 

The rush is she wants to get married and he is the closest thing to it. She has someone to impress.

 

She never once mentioned any reasons why hes the guy she wants to marry, not that he treats her like a queen, or whispers sweet things in her ear at night, or anything romantic. just that she wants to be married, and if not him then someone else. She just needs someone to fill the slot. Anyone notice this?

[Els]

You've done exactly the right thing, and I respect you for your strength. The fact is, many guys just don't want to get married, period.

 

There was a time when getting married was a man's ticket to full adult personhood. If a man wanted to live with a woman, to have a sex life, to maintain the respect of his family and community, he needed to get married. Even employers once regarded perpetual bachelors as immature, unstable, and (possibly) unreliable.

 

None of that is true anymore. There is nothing a man might want--love, sex, companionship--that he needs marriage in order to get. Nothing. For men, the incentive to marry is basically gone. Today, many men no longer see getting married as a ticket to adulthood. They see it as the end of their youth, the death of their freedom, and they fear financial ruin in the case of divorce. More and more men are weighing the pros and cons and deciding not to marry.

 

However, they can't see what that says to women. When a man refuses to marry a woman, he is sending her a clear message: I want an easy out. No matter how long they've been together, no matter how many years of HER life the woman has invested in the man, he wants the freedom to walk away from her at any time, never having to look back and owing her nothing. How can this not make women feel unloved and unwanted?

 

I can certainly see the logic in this, but what would you propose women do? Not give a man love, sex, or companionship until he has married us? Or set him a fixed ultimatum, which is really equivalent to him marrying us because he's afraid of losing us and not because he truly wants to?

[boogieboy]

I can certainly see the logic in this, but what would you propose women do? Not give a man love, sex, or companionship until he has married us? Or set him a fixed ultimatum, which is really equivalent to him marrying us because he's afraid of losing us and not because he truly wants to?

 

No, but some women need to see the forest for the trees. If she wasnt so hell bent on filling the husband slot, she would have understood that this guy isnt a guy that she should consider marrying.