BS's who allow...

[ladydesigner]

Going back years to when my H had a brief affair. On Dday, I asked him whether the OW was the "love of his life" and his answer was "yes". This hurt me beyond words yet I still believed that he and I had something worth fighting for. After an evening from hell, he agreed to try (and he told the OW the next day I guess - they worked together).

 

Anyway we successfully reconciled - over time, when the "fog" cleared, he realised that he was just so confused, screwed up etc that he said yes to my question when that was not how he really felt. Now I know some may question that turnaround and I did for a long time but I don't now. In fact a key thing about our recovery from then was that he was amazed by how strong I was when he told me about his A and that he could not let a woman like that go

 

You are an amazing woman to have made it through to the other side after hearing that he thought his OW was the love of his life. I know I would not have been as strong as you. I still have troubles over the lies by omission that I still hear to this day. I often wonder if my H felt the same way about his OW. I know for a brief period that I had definitely "fallen in love" with my XOM, but now I clearly see I had many issues within myself that needed and still need to be resolved.

[Spark1111]

I have an example in mind of this - Gov and Jenny Sanford. He said that the OW was the love of his life and that he would "try" to fall back in love with his W - yet Jenny wanted to reconcile anyway. And despite believing his "soulmate" was in Argentina, he did not ask for a divorce.

 

People's actions aren't always logical, in fact I think it's pretty rare that they are logical.

 

The Sandiford's are deeply religious. Upon DDAY, she called their pastor or priest for guidance. The Gov said he needed to see his AP for "closure" one more time, and Jenny agreed, as long as their spiritual advisor accompanied him.

 

Obviously, the affair continued. Hey, but she tried....whether to preserve her love for him, her love for their four young sons, or their way of life, she tried very hard to follow the tenets of her religion.

 

When it passed the point of no return for her, she filed for divorce.

 

I give her a lot of credit.

[Spark1111]

If there are emotions involved in the A' date=' almost all MPs [i']think[/i] or feel they have met the love of their lives.

 

This isn't really a realistic thing to ask, IMO. Any WS that actually tells the betrayed that they have found the "love of their lives" and doesn't ask for a divorce, obviously hasn't found the it.

 

There is a lot of projection and transference going on in affairs. Maybe the person that actually feels like they have found the love of their lives isn't the MP at all, but the OP, and then wondering why that "love" hasn't left their spouse for them yet?

 

I think this is an interesting point.

 

And while the AP has a window into the marriage as portrayed by the MM, the AP does not always have a window into the reconciliation, other than as portrayed by the SAME MM.

 

While you may be told he is "afraid" of losing his kids, his family, his standing in the community, why on earth would I, the BS, care about such things.

 

Some do, but some do not. I couldn't care less about his fear because it was the fear of being discovered he was most afraid of. Why would I, the innocent and unknowing BS, care about HIS fears????

 

For a reconciliation to be honest and worthwhile, I could/would never be anyone's default choice.

 

That isn't a relationship, IMHO, that's a corporate partnership.

 

I told him if that's what he wanted, to go get her. Do YOU think the OW is told that??? Doubtful.

 

And if she was the love of his life, what is he doing here? If she continued to be the love of his life, I, too, would file for D. I think in most cases, not all, that would be the usual action you would see. Also, you would see D if the BS knew they could not find forgiveness and that the relationship was permanently altered as to no longer be worthwhile.

 

I know many OW/OM are fed a bunch of crap that diminshes the spouse, some of it may be true, a lot of it is not; often, it is just a symptom of someone's interior confusion.

 

I know many BSs are also fed a lot of crap about the affair partner; some of it is true, but again, a lot of it may not be.

 

The bottom line: The pain of reconciliating a marriage WELL after an infidelity is gut-wrenching.

 

Please, please, please do not believe the BS took the MM/MW back because they HAD to, or were afraid NOT to.

 

Those marriages rarely make it to the five year mark, post affair-discovery.

[herenow]

IMO, when someone finds the love of their live, they will do what it takes to be with that person. I believe that many divorces happen for just that reason.

[wheelwright]

The Sandiford's are deeply religious. Upon DDAY, she called their pastor or priest for guidance. The Gov said he needed to see his AP for "closure" one more time, and Jenny agreed, as long as their spiritual advisor accompanied him.

 

Obviously, the affair continued. Hey, but she tried....whether to preserve her love for him, her love for their four young sons, or their way of life, she tried very hard to follow the tenets of her religion.

 

When it passed the point of no return for her, she filed for divorce.

 

I give her a lot of credit.

 

By goodness I wish I had had that closure.

 

Does the reconciling couple ever think of how hurtful the non-closure ending is or is it all about them?

 

It was like I didn't exist, and I felt this is what the two of them wanted.

 

But I really needed the closure, and feel their way was cruel. But perhaps by that time I was just a symbol, an object, a toy through which the M could be mediated into better ground.

 

And yes, I was bad. But I felt I acted in love. My xMM's W said she didn't love her H nor ever had. Love was my excuse, but I felt it was a reason.

[NoIDidn't]

By goodness I wish I had had that closure.

 

Does the reconciling couple ever think of how hurtful the non-closure ending is or is it all about them?

 

It was like I didn't exist, and I felt this is what the two of them wanted.

 

But I really needed the closure, and feel their way was cruel. But perhaps by that time I was just a symbol, an object, a toy through which the M could be mediated into better ground.

 

And yes, I was bad. But I felt I acted in love. My xMM's W said she didn't love her H nor ever had. Love was my excuse, but I felt it was a reason.

 

I really feel for you. Most advice to reconciling couples is to shut the OP out completely. I think its good advice, reconciling is about the M, afterall.

 

But reading this also shows how much the OP is likely hurting by being cut off like this. I feel bad reading it, but I can't say honestly that I would give a second thought to this pain. The pain you felt in lacking closure mirrors the pain of the BS in lacking understanding of why it happened to their marriage. I'm not saying you deserve it in any way. Like the BS was emotionally alone during the A many times, in the end it leaves you alone if the M is the chosen R. I'm not saying this well, I think. But I am definitely not saying you deserve it.

 

Affairs are bad most of the time. This is just one of the many reasons why.

 

I do hope you find the closure you are looking for, though. It just may not ever come from him. You will likely have to find it within your own self and your own reasons for entering into, staying in, and loving in an affair.

 

(((wheelwright)))

[wheelwright]

I really feel for you. Most advice to reconciling couples is to shut the OP out completely. I think its good advice, reconciling is about the M, afterall.

 

But reading this also shows how much the OP is likely hurting by being cut off like this. I feel bad reading it, but I can't say honestly that I would give a second thought to this pain. The pain you felt in lacking closure mirrors the pain of the BS in lacking understanding of why it happened to their marriage. I'm not saying you deserve it in any way. Like the BS was emotionally alone during the A many times, in the end it leaves you alone if the M is the chosen R. I'm not saying this well, I think. But I am definitely not saying you deserve it.

 

Affairs are bad most of the time. This is just one of the many reasons why.

 

I do hope you find the closure you are looking for, though. It just may not ever come from him. You will likely have to find it within your own self and your own reasons for entering into, staying in, and loving in an affair.

 

(((wheelwright)))

 

Thank you so much for this. It means a whole deal to me.

[angie2443]

Are there any BSs who reconcile who know their H/W met the love of their life in the AP?

 

This question doesn't make sense to me. How could anyone in the triangle know if the AP was the love of the WS's life unless the WS leaves the BS and lives happily ever after with the AP? Many people marry the "love of their lives" only to divorce several years down the line when that love has died.

[White Flower]

By goodness I wish I had had that closure.

 

Does the reconciling couple ever think of how hurtful the non-closure ending is or is it all about them?

 

It was like I didn't exist, and I felt this is what the two of them wanted.

 

But I really needed the closure, and feel their way was cruel. But perhaps by that time I was just a symbol, an object, a toy through which the M could be mediated into better ground.

 

And yes, I was bad. But I felt I acted in love. My xMM's W said she didn't love her H nor ever had. Love was my excuse, but I felt it was a reason.

(((((wheelwright)))))

[bentnotbroken]

By goodness I wish I had had that closure.

 

Does the reconciling couple ever think of how hurtful the non-closure ending is or is it all about them?

 

It was like I didn't exist, and I felt this is what the two of them wanted.

 

But I really needed the closure, and feel their way was cruel. But perhaps by that time I was just a symbol, an object, a toy through which the M could be mediated into better ground.

 

And yes, I was bad. But I felt I acted in love. My xMM's W said she didn't love her H nor ever had. Love was my excuse, but I felt it was a reason.

 

 

In a word no, they don't think of how hurtful the ending might be for you. They are focused on the two of them and their family. It is advised by most MC to send a letter of NC if agreed on by both parties and then to ignore any attempts at subsequent contact by AP. It is basically a circling of wagons, closing the ranks if you will. The thoughts are to erase you from memory and to focus on rebuilding what was lost. You will be discussed....at length but your well being isn't a top priority.

 

What they are doing isn't meant to be cruel to you, it is meant to fight for a marriage. They can't very well do that if they are focused on how you feel. This isn't meant to be cruel. I hope to give you a little insight into what is possibly going on in their minds, especially BS. I can honestly say had I chosen that path, I wouldn't have cared about how OW was feeling as I would assume she didn't care about how I was feeling.

 

There probably is a sense of relief, mixed with anger, fear, confusion about what comes next that is going on between them. It is kind of hard to get up each day and face the fallout without adding any outside issues. The BS definitely would want something concrete(if it is sincere)like NC to rebuild trust.

 

Truly you probably weren't used for negotiation, but you were certainly used. Whether your reason for allowing yourself to be used was love or something entirely different, the closure you seek may never come from them. It will have to come from within yourself. It can be done. It isn't the way you may want, but it is IMO the better way. Finding out about yourself is more important than someone telling you why they used you. Could you ever believe anything that came from his mouth anyway.