Is OP Behavior Dependent On BS Behavior?

[bentnotbroken]

With all due respect you don't know the inner workings of the A, as I don't know the inner workings of the M. I can have perceptions and thoughts, but I don't know her realities and why she's doing what she's doing...same as you don't know mine.

 

You're welcome to your opinion and I respect your stance, but there's enough here to keep me waiting. I'm not really putting up with anything...I'm dating other people and he's not a priority for me. I'm living my life just as he's doing...if I were sitting home dwelling on things then I'd agree I'm wasting my time.

 

 

With all due respect to you and any inner workings that are going on in their marriage or your relationship, life usually has only a "few" situations that most humans have to deal with. The names change and the time frames maybe different, but no matter the choices, most of the outcomes are pretty predictable. Not all, but most. Your involvement speaks more than your words. Which is entirely your prerogative. You made a statement about what you wouldn't do after x amount of d-days, yet you are still a part of that chaos, that says your thoughts and hers aren't all that different.

 

Different women, different thought patterns same chaos. No one walking away and closing that door. Not you and not her. As you say there is enough there to keep you waiting....... same as her.

[MizFit]

With all due respect to you and any inner workings that are going on in their marriage or your relationship, life usually has only a "few" situations that most humans have to deal with. The names change and the time frames maybe different, but no matter the choices, most of the outcomes are pretty predictable. Not all, but most. Your involvement speaks more than your words. Which is entirely your prerogative. You made a statement about what you wouldn't do after x amount of d-days, yet you are still a part of that chaos, that says your thoughts and hers aren't all that different.

 

Different women, different thought patterns same chaos. No one walking away and closing that door. Not you and not her. As you say there is enough there to keep you waiting....... same as her.

 

I agree with you Bent...the only thing is when I referred to the number of DDays...I was speaking as if I were in her shoes. I wouldn't have put up with 1. Where I am now...if he keeps getting caught and risking then that's his choice. If she keeps catching him and keeps taking him back then that's his choice. As long as I choose to stay involved I will...that's my choice. As I said, I'm living my life and if he finally decides to leave or she sends him packing and I'm around we'll see what happens. If not, I'll still be living my life and maybe have left it all behind.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree with you Bent...the only thing is when I referred to the number of DDays...I was speaking as if I were in her shoes. I wouldn't have put up with 1. Where I am now...if he keeps getting caught and risking then that's his choice. If she keeps catching him and keeps taking him back then that's his choice. As long as I choose to stay involved I will...that's my choice. As I said, I'm living my life and if he finally decides to leave or she sends him packing and I'm around we'll see what happens. If not, I'll still be living my life and maybe have left it all behind.

 

 

I know you were trying to speak as if you are in her shoes. And yes it is all about the choices for all of us.

[jwi71]

I agree with you Bent...the only thing is when I referred to the number of DDays...I was speaking as if I were in her shoes. I wouldn't have put up with 1. Where I am now...if he keeps getting caught and risking then that's his choice. If she keeps catching him and keeps taking him back then that's his choice. As long as I choose to stay involved I will...that's my choice. As I said, I'm living my life and if he finally decides to leave or she sends him packing and I'm around we'll see what happens. If not, I'll still be living my life and maybe have left it all behind.

 

What an odd thing to say.

Because every night he goes home to her you are facing your own d-day so to speak. The knowledge that there is another W he won't leave.

Because every time he lies and hides your R to her...you accept what you profess not to.

 

Just like his W.

 

If you want to understand his W...look in the mirror. And for every reason you tolerate and excuse and accept and believe...so does she.

[Fallen Angel]

Hey, thanks for the response. I agree with a lot of what you have said. I didn't want to thread jack the lying thread with the question about basing one's own reactions on another party, so I brought it here.

 

I accept that lying is involved in affairs. Period. Whether known or not. But my main question was about the fact that another poster brought up the BS in a thread about whether the OP ever lied to the AP. And because it was started by a MW, she AND her MM were "APs" and "OPs" at the same time.

 

I agree that the OPs are dealing with less than desirable behaviors, but they know about some of them up front if they know they are dealing with an A.

 

It happens a lot here when a poster that has been identified as a non-OP posts something that is not flattering, but not insulting, about an OP's actions, they say, "well, the BS does it too". Its a very defensive stance, to me. And I can't imagine it makes anyone feel more secure to compare their position to that of the other party in the triangle.

 

Thanks again.

 

Your idea of what is not insulting probably differs from mine.

 

As to why the OW defends herself by saying "BW does it too" it is a defensive stance, because she is feeling attacked for having feelings and acting upon her feelings. *shrug* These "not flattering, but not insulting" posts about which you speak are often times just thinly veiled jabs at OW, who then choose to compare the behaviour of OW and BW in order to show that both women on both sides often react in a very similar manner. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

 

I really have no idea of what forum this thread is more appropriate for, so forgive me if it seems out of place here in OW/OM.

 

In MBEG's thread about lying to the AP, I agreed with another poster that said the OP was basically lying to themselves in the A so it was inevitable that they would lie to the AP.

 

As usually happens here, another poster put that the BS does it too, when that really had nothing to do with what the OP was asking, or the post that I agreed with.

 

My question is, do OPs really base all their decisions in the affair on what the betrayed is or isn't doing? It just seems like every time someone says something admittedly unflattering about the position of the OP, an OP has to compare that with the plight of the betrayed.

 

I hope we can be civil with this discussion. I just didn't want to tj another thread today.

 

I do not make decisions about my relationship with the man I love based on anyone other than myself and my partner and our needs and desires.

[Fallen Angel]

What an odd thing to say.

Because every night he goes home to her you are facing your own d-day so to speak. The knowledge that there is another W he won't leave.

Because every time he lies and hides your R to her...you accept what you profess not to.

 

Just like his W.

 

If you want to understand his W...look in the mirror. And for every reason you tolerate and excuse and accept and believe...so does she.

 

Carefull, you are comparing OW and BW and seeing them both as flawed. Accepting a flawed man! That is what this thread is about, BW do not like being seen as sharing anything in common with OW!

[NoIDidn't]

I actually brought the BS into the other thread to illustrate that the lies OW tell themselves are sometimes similar to the lies BS tell themselves. I wasn't saying 'nah nah they do it too'...I was comparing the similarities and types of lying in the affairs. I am sorry if this didn't sit well with you...you've noted it felt defensive and last night when I saw this thread I felt the same thing about it!

 

 

 

Actually, I didn't take offense at all. It just seemed that you posted defensively to a thread that had nothing to do with that a BS might be doing. I found the response interesting in that it had nothing to do with the thread and seemed to be in response to another post.

 

I know we go off topic here quite a lot, so I can see why you compared the types of lying in affairs, but the OP seemed to be asking the OW/OM here if THEY had lied to their MP while in the A. That had nothing to do with the BS. Unless, of course, the OP is basing what they will or won't take from the MP on the BS.

 

So, no, it had nothing to do with anything not sitting well with me. I found the response interesting and noted that similar responses, and similar timing I might add, happen around here quite alot. That's all.

 

Thanks for the explanation, though.

[Spark1111]

NID, I think MizFit is seeing those arduous months after DDAy, from her perspective. I get it.

 

After the inital shock of Dday, I threw him out and he panicked, and kept trying to return home. WHY? Fear.

 

He continued to contact her. Why? He wanted to preserve the affair.

 

Whenever I discovered, discover being the key word here, that they were still in contact, I would throw him out again. Go get her.

 

Remember, at this point in time, there was no reconciliation, no relationship either. He slept on the couch promising to save money to move the hell out of my house, while begging to reconcile!

 

He told her....who knows??? Who really knows what he told the OW?? I remember one text complaining of my unwavering hostility..HAHAHA!

 

Unfortunately, this behavior is all to common in the cake eater. They want to calm down the wife with even more lies, while they resume with the AP. They even become more secretive to do so.

 

It's classic. Family life and woman on the side. WS just wants everything to go back the way it was; he has the wife convinced it is over and will never happen again, and the OW convinced the wife is somewhat "okay" with it all, don't worry baby. I told you she wasn't ever going to leave my paycheck, status, for the kids....blah, blah, blah.

 

This should not be reason to disrespect the spouse, because you have NO TRUE IDEA what is going on in that house right now...

 

Just like you believe whatever he is telling you about her, I TRULY believed he was working late...

[MizFit]

NID, I think MizFit is seeing those arduous months after DDAy, from her perspective. I get it.

 

After the inital shock of Dday, I threw him out and he panicked, and kept trying to return home. WHY? Fear.

 

He continued to contact her. Why? He wanted to preserve the affair.

 

Whenever I discovered, discover being the key word here, that they were still in contact, I would throw him out again. Go get her.

 

Remember, at this point in time, there was no reconciliation, no relationship either. He slept on the couch promising to save money to move the hell out of my house, while begging to reconcile!

 

He told her....who knows??? Who really knows what he told the OW?? I remember one text complaining of my unwavering hostility..HAHAHA!

 

Unfortunately, this behavior is all to common in the cake eater. They want to calm down the wife with even more lies, while they resume with the AP. They even become more secretive to do so.

 

It's classic. Family life and woman on the side. WS just wants everything to go back the way it was; he has the wife convinced it is over and will never happen again, and the OW convinced the wife is somewhat "okay" with it all, don't worry baby. I told you she wasn't ever going to leave my paycheck, status, for the kids....blah, blah, blah.

 

This should not be reason to disrespect the spouse, because you have NO TRUE IDEA what is going on in that house right now...

 

Just like you believe whatever he is telling you about her, I TRULY believed he was working late...

 

Sorry...I didn't have arduous months after DDay. I had a week the first time and 2 the second...during both of those periods I was seeing other people and still carrying on with my life, just as he was his.

 

You seem to think that all MM tell OW horrible things about their wives. One of the things that stopped his W was when she said 'so when he told you he didn't love me'...and I told her that he has never said a bad word about her. My MM hasn't told me she's ok with anything...on the contrary he's told me the threat and risk is now to the point if we're caught again he's out. Personally, I don't think either of them will leave the marriage, but that's between them.

 

So...I don't believe he's lied to me and I haven't been sitting and waiting for him to come waltzing back.

 

I know this is ot at this point, but I felt I needed to respond to this post that appeared directed at me.

[MizFit]

Actually, I didn't take offense at all. It just seemed that you posted defensively to a thread that had nothing to do with that a BS might be doing. I found the response interesting in that it had nothing to do with the thread and seemed to be in response to another post.

 

I know we go off topic here quite a lot, so I can see why you compared the types of lying in affairs, but the OP seemed to be asking the OW/OM here if THEY had lied to their MP while in the A. That had nothing to do with the BS. Unless, of course, the OP is basing what they will or won't take from the MP on the BS.

 

So, no, it had nothing to do with anything not sitting well with me. I found the response interesting and noted that similar responses, and similar timing I might add, happen around here quite alot. That's all.

 

Thanks for the explanation, though.

 

No worries...just glad I didn't offend...the intention was certainly not there.