Where the term 'gaslighting' comes from

[White Flower]

Not trying to defend my MM, as I think it is the wrong thing to do as well, but he generally lies through omission rather than direct lies. In my opinion this is not gaslighting, since I interpret gaslighting as denying the reality of what the BS sees as real and in fact is reality. Gaslighting makes you not trust your senses. A lie through omission would mean you are not aware of the circumstances.

I agree that my MM used this tactic more often than not which somehow makes it 'less evil'. Yet, if I don't ask my child if he stole the cookie from the cookie jar and he knows he wasn't supposed to take it he is still a bad boy.

[fooled once]

I will make a rare confession here that this is what caused me to tell MM it's over or make a decision. I suddenly could see clearly the ways he was gaslighting his W. I told him I didn't want to see him that way and turning a blind eye wasn't going to help me. He was so good in every other aspect of his life except this and I didn't want 'this' to carry on. I knew he could do better and asked him to be better. That meant us being over or him leaving. Funny, I never thought I would ask him to do that.

 

WF, I am very impressed you and your compassion (NOT that I didn't think you had compassion) but most OW don't give a second thought to what the BS is going through, using the excuse of "I'm not married to her" or "I have a relationship with him, not her".

 

Having never been a BS, so I can only assume how much it must mentally screw with one who is being gaslighted, I am proud of you for putting a stop to it. Way to go!!

[White Flower]

WF, I am very impressed you and your compassion (NOT that I didn't think you had compassion) but most OW don't give a second thought to what the BS is going through, using the excuse of "I'm not married to her" or "I have a relationship with him, not her".

 

Having never been a BS, so I can only assume how much it must mentally screw with one who is being gaslighted, I am proud of you for putting a stop to it. Way to go!!

Well, thanks FO. I do agree with the concept of him being the one who is betraying his M so this was about my view of him. I respected every other thing about him. He is so honorable about obeying traffic rules, laws, and he follows strict guidelines of politesse when it is called for. The only bad thing he's ever done was cheat on and lie to women. I told him I wanted to see him be a good person AT EVERYTHING including the women in his life...which means he would have to choose.

 

It was just an evolution.

[fooled once]

Well, thanks FO. I do agree with the concept of him being the one who is betraying his M so this was about my view of him. I respected every other thing about him. He is so honorable about obeying traffic rules, laws, and he follows strict guidelines of politesse when it is called for. The only bad thing he's ever done was cheat on and lie to women. I told him I wanted to see him be a good person AT EVERYTHING including the women in his life...which means he would have to choose.

 

It was just an evolution.

 

I think what you have decided to do is very honorable. Proud of you!

 

And you are right, he needs to choose. He isn't being fair to you or his wife.

[White Flower]

I think what you have decided to do is very honorable. Proud of you!

 

And you are right, he needs to choose. He isn't being fair to you or his wife.

He wasn't being fair but he is now. He's in IC and working very hard at understanding the underlying reasons he lead his life the way he did, coping with that, and learning how to fight for what he really wants.

 

No matter how the story ends for me, I am very proud of him.

[fooled once]

He wasn't being fair but he is now. He's in IC and working very hard at understanding the underlying reasons he lead his life the way he did, coping with that, and learning how to fight for what he really wants.

 

No matter how the story ends for me, I am very proud of him.

 

Well, I am proud of you! I am proud that you will no longer be the OW, no matter how the story ends.

[jwi71]

Well, if he was lying by omission to me, I would not notice it now, would I?

 

That was my point

(see, I can be subtle too)

 

He is lying by omission to his wife. Once when he was talking to her on the phone in front of me, he did have to lie to her directly, and he was very bothered by it. So he told me this was very rare, he usually lies to her by omission, and apparently it is so much easier on his conscience.

 

Well, I would say his needing to lie is an indication that he is very happy as is.

And you will see his conscience as an indication he is leaving. That this conscience will, in time, force him to choose...and hopefully you.

 

Time will tell.

[pureinheart]

He wasn't being fair but he is now. He's in IC and working very hard at understanding the underlying reasons he lead his life the way he did, coping with that, and learning how to fight for what he really wants.

 

No matter how the story ends for me, I am very proud of him.

 

As you should be proud of him WF, none of what anyone goes through is easy these days and it takes a lot of courage to get help...that one is extremely hard for guys to do (at least the guys I know)....

 

Really understanding what this gaslighting thing is and knowing that it has been happening to me, gives this like dirty feeling, like I have been violated...it's way weird.

 

I have been abused before emotionally and have been through a lot in R's....but nothing like this.

 

Are you doing ok WF? I am very depressed, although what ever is to be will be....I just hope you are doing ok...(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[freestyle]

As you should be proud of him WF, none of what anyone goes through is easy these days and it takes a lot of courage to get help...that one is extremely hard for guys to do (at least the guys I know)....

 

Really understanding what this gaslighting thing is and knowing that it has been happening to me, gives this like dirty feeling, like I have been violated...it's way weird.

 

I have been abused before emotionally and have been through a lot in R's....but nothing like this.

 

Are you doing ok WF? I am very depressed, although what ever is to be will be....I just hope you are doing ok...(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

 

It is a violation,PIH, of the most heinous, deplorable, sort.

 

Out of all the fallout I experienced when I was betrayed, and gaslighted,

 

the most damaging loss was not my ability to trust him, nor the loss of innocence,...................

 

.........it was losing my faith in my own judgement. No longer feeling like I could trust my own radar. Wondering if there was really something wrong with me. Was I so damaged by previous betrayals, in previous relationships, that I had become a lost cause, with nothing left to bring to the table?? Had I become a suspicious person, always waiting for the other shoe to drop? And if so, how could I be a good person to be in a relationship with..........?

 

In my case that very baggage got used against me.I was upfront with my new guy about what I'd been through previously, to explain my wanting to move slowly.I allowed him to see my vulnerabilities, in a spirit of being honest, and open.I made him promise me to be upfront with me, no matter what.I told him that if he ever changed his mind about me, for any reason, to simply let me know, and I would set him free........no harm, no foul.He gave his word.And I granted him my trust, in good faith.

 

Before the year was up he became ensnared in an EA...(PA??). After too many red flags popped up for me to ignore,I finally questioned him.......

 

and the gaslighting began. And my own baggage was used as a smokescreen against me.

 

"You're just imagining things....." "You're making a mountain out of a molehill..." "You're overreacting......." "You're reading this all wrong."

"It's all in your head...." "Oh, she and I just talk about...philosophy and stuff when we hang out, we're not discussing you,sorry to disappoint you..." (grrrr...) "why are you punishing me for what your last bf did wrong.....?" "just because you last bf lied and cheated, doesn't mean I'm going to...." " I can't believe you would mistrust me..." (little blame-shifting, shaming, and guilt-tripping, yathink?)

 

sadly, I actually bought the b.s. he tried to feed me. For a while. Until I found out that he had, in fact, been lying, about the nature of his "friendship" with the OW. You'd think my initial reaction would have been a blinding fury, but it wasn't.

 

I was relieved to find out that I hadn't been imagining things after all.

 

yes, Pure in Heart, it is a violation. Absolutely.It shows a completely callous disregard for the mental well-being of another person. It's almost a form of psychic rape, it messes with you at the very core of your being.With your sense of self, your intuition, and your self-esteem. It's not an easy thing to recover from. Not easy, but not impossible either, you can emerge stronger, and wiser, eventually. Understanding what gaslighting is, and how it's done, really made the light bulb go on over my head.(pun partially intended....)

You will recover..........

[norajane]

I understand that. I am just questioning whether or not it can go under gaslighting.

 

I think lying by omission does go under the category of gaslighting because it contributes to the sense of things not adding up, but not understanding why or how.

 

When combined with lies and half-truths, it's deliberately intended to manipulate a person into believing something other than the truth. Lies by omission serve to confuse someone who sees their spouse's actions don't match up with their words. The lies by omission are the pertinent information the cheater is hiding from their spouse to specifically conceal the affair and make the spouse believe nothing is wrong.

 

How many times have you read here: I think he's cheating, but I'm not sure and I've been going crazy because something doesn't feel right.

 

It also works in the case of an OW, although they know for sure that there's something they don't know. Many OW spend half their time wondering what the MM isn't telling them. Does he have sex with his wife? Can he really love his wife? Is staying for the kids just as an excuse? How can he love me and have this affair with me but go home to his wife for years on end? They know it's not adding up, but don't know why. And it drives them crazy because they know it doesn't make sense logically, but they can't put their finger on it because there is some piece of information that he's not telling them. In effect, they know he's lying by omission.

[freestyle]

I think lying by omission does go under the category of gaslighting because it contributes to the sense of things not adding up, but not understanding why or how.

 

When combined with lies and half-truths, it's deliberately intended to manipulate a person into believing something other than the truth. Lies by omission serve to confuse someone who sees their spouse's actions don't match up with their words. The lies by omission are the pertinent information the cheater is hiding from their spouse to specifically conceal the affair and make the spouse believe nothing is wrong.

 

How many times have you read here: I think he's cheating, but I'm not sure and I've been going crazy because something doesn't feel right.

 

It also works in the case of an OW, although they know for sure that there's something they don't know. Many OW spend half their time wondering what the MM isn't telling them. Does he have sex with his wife? Can he really love his wife? Is staying for the kids just as an excuse? How can he love me and have this affair with me but go home to his wife for years on end? They know it's not adding up, but don't know why. And it drives them crazy because they know it doesn't make sense logically, but they can't put their finger on it because there is some piece of information that he's not telling them. In effect, they know he's lying by omission.

 

 

very well said, Norajane.

It brings to mind a saying I heard this year:

A half-truth is still a whole lie.

[jennie-jennie]

I think lying by omission does go under the category of gaslighting because it contributes to the sense of things not adding up, but not understanding why or how.

 

When combined with lies and half-truths, it's deliberately intended to manipulate a person into believing something other than the truth. Lies by omission serve to confuse someone who sees their spouse's actions don't match up with their words. The lies by omission are the pertinent information the cheater is hiding from their spouse to specifically conceal the affair and make the spouse believe nothing is wrong.

 

How many times have you read here: I think he's cheating, but I'm not sure and I've been going crazy because something doesn't feel right.

 

I agree with this. It actually bothered me quite a bit when I understood that lying by omission made the burden on his conscience much lighter.

 

It also works in the case of an OW, although they know for sure that there's something they don't know. Many OW spend half their time wondering what the MM isn't telling them. Does he have sex with his wife? Can he really love his wife? Is staying for the kids just as an excuse? How can he love me and have this affair with me but go home to his wife for years on end? They know it's not adding up, but don't know why. And it drives them crazy because they know it doesn't make sense logically, but they can't put their finger on it because there is some piece of information that he's not telling them. In effect, they know he's lying by omission.

 

I don't agree with this, because it does add up for me. Reading about the Split Self affair gave me all the puzzle pieces I needed.

[pureinheart]

It is a violation,PIH, of the most heinous, deplorable, sort.

 

Out of all the fallout I experienced when I was betrayed, and gaslighted,

 

the most damaging loss was not my ability to trust him, nor the loss of innocence,...................

 

.........it was losing my faith in my own judgement. No longer feeling like I could trust my own radar. Wondering if there was really something wrong with me. Was I so damaged by previous betrayals, in previous relationships, that I had become a lost cause, with nothing left to bring to the table?? Had I become a suspicious person, always waiting for the other shoe to drop? And if so, how could I be a good person to be in a relationship with..........?

 

In my case that very baggage got used against me.I was upfront with my new guy about what I'd been through previously, to explain my wanting to move slowly.I allowed him to see my vulnerabilities, in a spirit of being honest, and open.I made him promise me to be upfront with me, no matter what.I told him that if he ever changed his mind about me, for any reason, to simply let me know, and I would set him free........no harm, no foul.He gave his word.And I granted him my trust, in good faith.

 

Before the year was up he became ensnared in an EA...(PA??). After too many red flags popped up for me to ignore,I finally questioned him.......

 

and the gaslighting began. And my own baggage was used as a smokescreen against me.

 

"You're just imagining things....." "You're making a mountain out of a molehill..." "You're overreacting......." "You're reading this all wrong."

"It's all in your head...." "Oh, she and I just talk about...philosophy and stuff when we hang out, we're not discussing you,sorry to disappoint you..." (grrrr...) "why are you punishing me for what your last bf did wrong.....?" "just because you last bf lied and cheated, doesn't mean I'm going to...." " I can't believe you would mistrust me..." (little blame-shifting, shaming, and guilt-tripping, yathink?)

 

sadly, I actually bought the b.s. he tried to feed me. For a while. Until I found out that he had, in fact, been lying, about the nature of his "friendship" with the OW. You'd think my initial reaction would have been a blinding fury, but it wasn't.

 

I was relieved to find out that I hadn't been imagining things after all.

 

yes, Pure in Heart, it is a violation. Absolutely.It shows a completely callous disregard for the mental well-being of another person. It's almost a form of psychic rape, it messes with you at the very core of your being.With your sense of self, your intuition, and your self-esteem. It's not an easy thing to recover from. Not easy, but not impossible either, you can emerge stronger, and wiser, eventually. Understanding what gaslighting is, and how it's done, really made the light bulb go on over my head.(pun partially intended....)

You will recover..........

 

Wow...FS....validation ...thank you so much. I am so sorry this happened to you, to anyone...it is cruel, at this point why not say what it is...if he wanted to go, then go for Gods sake, but the mental cruelty to you, unspeakable.

 

I do see the difference...having been a BS (many times) my ex's came clean or I was notified by other means...they were not malicious, if that makes sense.

 

For me it started after his separation ( I am not sure if you know my story). He "babbled" (saying actually nothing) quite frequently, although I didnot think a thing about it prior. Then his W filed for D and he professed undying love...it started two weeks after that.

 

His games became obvious, yet I could not believe he could be so cold. He told me once, "if you really knew me, you would hate me". I now understand what he was saying.

 

He never wanted to talk of anything of substance, unless forced by my hand of NC, at which such times he would blow up my phone, come to my house screaming, tormenting me (I know my neighbors could hear all of this, it was embarrassing to say the least) and begging with now undying love again. One particular time he was using my gas meter as a stepstool to scream in my window and broke the line and natural gas was spewing from the main line....he made me so mad I knocked him out cold.

 

I used to have to call my daughter and son-in-law to come over to make him go away, he was afraid of my family....

 

These gaslighters walk in much arrogance, I hate arrogance.

 

I think he was trying to hurt me physically....

 

I always felt like he was talking to his exW or mother/father. He had plenty of cruel things to say, rarely anything nice.

 

FS, you are very special, and thank you for your reply....this was a year ago that the high levels of gaslighting was discovered and exposed, so once exposed, the effect is not as devastating, nor could they take hold.

 

His smoke screen was much different, although the same thing happened, I began to question my sanity and at the time was dealing with many other mind twisting matters. I finally snapped at work and never went back...all of this has devastated me this much...but yes we all will recover.

[pureinheart]

"Gaslighting"...I also remembered, he could never validate me, and would sidestep every issue, I NEVER got a straight answer. If he was in the wrong, instead of saying, "hey, I messed up", he would turn all of it on me immediately. You know, I never expected him to apologize for anything, and didnot put him on the defensive, and when he would clearly mess up he would tell me to "say your sorry", like a little kid, it was very weird.

 

Because I had not seen this behavior from him prior, I summed it up to being due to the stress of going through D. I made excuse after excuse. My friends all hate him, and would look at me and shake their heads.

 

After awhile people begin to look at you strange, it's as if your reputation is ruined or something because of being with such an abusive person.

 

I lost more credibility after he separated from his W by staying with him because of the abuse they could finally see. People want to give up on you because it hurts them to see you hurt all of the time, they tire of the constant drama, so to save face you just hold everything in after awhile.

[pureinheart]

I'm gonna get all of this out so sorry also for continuous posting...first off want to add, I fought back, didn't just sit there and take it, although most of the time wasn't sure of what exactly I was fighting for .

 

ExDM felt the need to "punish" me, and I might add this was all during the D, he calmed down once the D was over, or should I say not as abusive.

 

We would have plans let's say at 4pm, he would call at 4:05pm and say he was running late...granted he lives 20 min away and by the time he would really get out the door it would be about an hour....soooo, I'd ask why didn't you let me know sooner...he would start yelling and say...well since you asked me that, I'm not leaving for another 2 hours...I'd say F you, don't come (which is mostlikely what he wanted anyway ).

 

I mean it was really hurtful disappointing stuff like this all of the time....stupid, childish stuff...my God I have forgotten how to be an adult after dealing with this idiot...he did this on V-Day last year, my B-Day...this last Thanksgiving and so Christmas I didn't even make any plans with him. Now I'm pissed again.

[RedDevil66]

Pure, thanks for sharing your story, And it's good to get pissed, this is how we heal/change.

 

I resepct you and WF for opening up in this thread. Makes me see a different side to both of you.

[OWoman]

"Gaslighting" is not the sole preserve of the WS. My H's xW did that to him for years, long before the A, as part of her strategy of abuse.

[bentnotbroken]

"Gaslighting" is not the sole preserve of the WS. My H's xW did that to him for years, long before the A, as part of her strategy of abuse.

 

 

We agree OW. Just in this context(thread) it is the WS and the damage they do.

[RedDevil66]

I was googling some info on gaslighting, Wikipedia came up with this

 

Thought this was interesting.....

 

 

 

Extramarital affair

Main articles: Infidelity, Adultery, and Extramarital sex

Extramarital affairs are relationships outside of marriage where an illicit romantic or sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment occurs.

 

An extramarital affair that continues in one form or another for years, even as one of the partners to that affair passes through marriage, divorce and remarriage, could be considered the primary relationship and the marriages secondary to it. This may be serial polygamy or other forms of nonmonogamy.

 

The ability to pursue serial and clandestine extramarital affairs whilst safeguarding the secrets and conflict of interest inherent in the practice, requires skill in deception and duplicitous negotiation. Even to hide one affair requires a degree of skill or malicious gaslighting. All these behaviours are more usually called lying.

 

Deception can be defined as the "covert manipulation of perception to alter thoughts, feeling, or beliefs". The presence of deception may indicate the degree to which the deceiver has breached fundamental conditions of fidelity, of reciprocal vulnerability and of transparency. Sometimes these are explicit or assumed pre-conditions of a committed intimate relationships.

 

Individuals having affairs with married men or women can be prosecuted for adultery in some jurisdictions and can be sued by the jilted spouses in others.[1] As of 2009, eight U.S. states permitted such alienation of affections lawsuits.[2]

[OWoman]

I was googling some info on gaslighting, Wikipedia came up with this

 

 

That's the beauty of Wikipedia - anyone can edit it to say exactly what they like...

[RedDevil66]

That's the beauty of Wikipedia - anyone can edit it to say exactly what they like...

 

Well then, you should go in and edit it and explain to the world that it's all wrong.

 

How silly of me to think lying and cheating is not gaslighting and deceptive

 

[pureinheart]

pure, thanks for sharing your story, and it's good to get pissed, this is how we heal/change.

 

I resepct you and wf for opening up in this thread. Makes me see a different side to both of you.

 

((((((((((rd)))))))))))

[pureinheart]

FTR RD was supposed to be in caps.....((((((((RD)))))))))

 

I like to cap peoples name, tried to edit it...

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, it's of great comfort that she does win through and prove him to be the sadistic, manipulative abuser he is...

Wish everyone gas-lit could do that.....

[moaningmyrtle]

Yes, it's of great comfort that she does win through and prove him to be the sadistic, manipulative abuser he is...

Wish everyone gas-lit could do that.....

 

My H (WS) and I watched it last night. He has always resisted any suggestion that he "gaslighted" me in any way.

 

After seeing the movie he could see how the term has persisted in use for so long. We had quite a discussion about it. I emphasised that I never felt that he deliberately set me up to appear deranged as in the movie. It was more that when some things happened that he realised were explicable by his A, he went to some lengths to convince me they were attributable to something else. Or he simply said he didn't know. He never tried to say something hadn't happened when it had.

 

He seemed really contrite and said he was sorry. All in all seeing the movie was a positive thing for us.

 

There was one particular thing that happened regularly, that I might start another thread about.