Chi NZ Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 The original story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t217885/ There have subsequent threads by me but the above is probably a good background. The thing is I feel as though I've punished myself enough for my role in the breakup. There has to been alot of moving forward with the help of counseling, self talk, healthy living, mental and physical exercise....it will take time. However 'Feeling' & 'Thinking' I have punished myself for my own misgivings are two different things... I'm owning my role, as ugly and hard as it is... I loved her with everything I am...everything I could be..and yet I still torture myself by trying to own it all....it's an evil cycle, and one I'm sure will hurt me more than help me... A difficult time for sure....
Bulldozed Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I would highly recommend a book I just completed. A book that Caliguy highly recommends. No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. Downloadable on his site for $9 bucks or so. Worth every penny....like everything in life worth doing, it takes work. Best of luck bro....hang in there, and remember this....Women are meant to be loved and never understood....
Ronni_W Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 The thing is I feel as though I've punished myself enough for my role in the breakup. Then stop punishing yourself! Yes, you made mistakes in your relationship. You're human. Why not change your current "healing, growth & development" strategy to something more humane and inspirational? Focus on things that will actually help you and keep you moving forward. Self-brutalization is only going to exhaust and deplete you, and keep you stuck...and that's not "owning" your mistakes as much as falling victim to them, in any case. So, make new decisions about all of it. For example, you could choose to (try to) connect with humility, with the goal of being able to say, "Yes, I made mistakes. I'm human and imperfect. I accept that about me." You can take responsibility for having made mistakes and also for their consequences without resorting to self-abuse. You can decide to start learning about and working towards self-kindness and self-forgiveness. You do deserve to be forgiven for making human mistakes, yes? Give yourself credit for going into individual therapy so that you can maximize learning from your mistakes, and minimize the potential of you just repeating them in the future. Find things to praise about yourself and be grateful for -- self-inspiration, and positive motivation and reinforcement will serve your long-term goals better. IMO. Best of luck.
GrayClouds Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 The original story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t217885/ There have subsequent threads by me but the above is probably a good background. The thing is I feel as though I've punished myself enough for my role in the breakup. There has to been alot of moving forward with the help of counseling, self talk, healthy living, mental and physical exercise....it will take time. However 'Feeling' & 'Thinking' I have punished myself for my own misgivings are two different things... I'm owning my role, as ugly and hard as it is... I loved her with everything I am...everything I could be..and yet I still torture myself by trying to own it all....it's an evil cycle, and one I'm sure will hurt me more than help me... A difficult time for sure.... Congratulations this is a good sign. A remarkable thing happen when you get tired of beating yourself up. You began to stop beating yourself up. You start to say I a human with flaws but not a damage individual. Despite not being perfect I have value and worth, for every flaw I posses their is a wonder traits that balances it. Understand every mistake you made was not in a vacuum. Many of them was in response to her action; be it her pulling away, her inablity to communicate, her selfishness. Often we makes mistakes not out of malice but by the desire to make it work, when often the fact hey simple was not the right partner. The hard we try they greater the difference becomes. What is important is not that you made mistakes but what was the root cause that encourage to the choice to behave that way. Was it a reaction to her beavhiors, was it behaviors learn as a child, was it because of un resolved person issues? Puttting you energy into understand this is far more product then simple beating yourself up. Understanding your biases will help you in the future from repeating mistake, and if this break give you that then you can ask for more. I also suggest making a list of her mistakes, things she should own for the failure. Just for yourself, to illustrates that it takes two to tangle.
Odyssey Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 It's understandable that you're looking backwards at what you've lost, not what you've got, or what you have to look forward to. But thou shall not beat thou-self up! Identify your weaknesses and past mistakes...learn and forgive yourself of such! You're only human.
Author Chi NZ Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Thanks for the advice guys/gals, really appreciate it. Up until recently I had been unable to let go due to me not realising that 'letting go' did'nt have to mean not loving and missing her, finally realised that I could let go and still love and miss her. I put myself through all sorts of hell in the in the early stages of the breakup, however, now we seemed to have managed NC. I think there is still hope there for reconciliation but I'm not letting that fact rule my life anymore, a second chance will either come or it won't, a hard fact to accept....
GrayClouds Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Thanks for the advice guys/gals, really appreciate it. Up until recently I had been unable to let go due to me not realising that 'letting go' did'nt have to mean not loving and missing her, finally realised that I could let go and still love and miss her. I put myself through all sorts of hell in the in the early stages of the breakup, however, now we seemed to have managed NC. I think there is still hope there for reconciliation but I'm not letting that fact rule my life anymore, a second chance will either come or it won't, a hard fact to accept.... Your doing good work, so hang in there: Read this for more advice/support: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance?
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