Chi NZ Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Hi all, You've probably heard this all before but just after some advice Just before New Years my fiance left me (We had been together for 4 years previously) Now the history: For two years everything was fantastic then after this it has been a really rocky road. We have been on breaks before and ending up getting back together. The previous break prior to her leaving me was sorted with counseling and understanding from each other. Now I have issues from my past (Parents involved in domestic violence) and being really hurt in previous relationships so I had built all these barriers. We were constantly arguing and trying to get the upper hand on each other, I was drinking too much (There was no physical violence taken against each other and in the end it became too much for her, so she left. This has been a huge wakeup call for me and so have started counseling regularly to get myself right emotionally to the person I know I am. I asked her (well to be honest begged) for her to come to these counseling sessions so that we may work out the issues at hand, she said no. Now in all honesty I can say that I wasn't the nicest to live with at the time, being rude when in arguments and basically belittling her. She has said she cannot go through this again....I just believe that life can be unpredictable I realize I am not this person and as said above and are doing everything in my power to re-evaluate myself and become a better person. We have agreed to NC but still have things financially to sort out and so she keeps texting/calling me to sort these things out, this makes it really hard to concentrate on getting myself back to who I know I am. We both are still very much in love but need to sort out our own personal issues. Is there any chance of reconciliation further on down the track ? Or am I kidding myself ? Cheers for your time. Link to post Share on other sites
MySweetie'sGone Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Well...I think that if you reconciled once it can happen again. But the question is...do you really want to? Do you want to establish a painful cycle of breaking up and getting back together? If you keep doing that, it's surely a sign that something is wrong. Perhaps you will reconcile but take enough time to address the real problems before you get back together (sounds like u are by getting counseling). Just dont rush back into it if the opp does arise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chi NZ Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 Thanks for your reply MySweetiesGone. Yes I do definitely want to reconcile with her in the future and end the vicious cycle of 'breakup to makeup'. She may not be interested in that later on...and thats fine...thats something I have to come to terms with. I just don't want a "What could have been" scenario. Deep down I know it can happen. As there's love there I feel it's always worth working on. I just have a tendency to rush things and when she texts me (She may only want to know how much the phone bill owes) my mind and heart go into a spin and I start panicking. I think this is where no contact assists....Is that right ? Link to post Share on other sites
MySweetie'sGone Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 This is what i've heard. But everyone's situation is different. IF you feel compelled to answer her dont do so immediately...wait a couple of hours or an entire day before you respond. Just dont seem anxious. Link to post Share on other sites
madisonlayne Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Just concentrate on making yourself better. I think you're on the right track. Since she is still in contact with you, even if it's only for financial reasons, perhaps she will also notices the changes. You need to stay positive when you're speaking with her. Step back a bit and show her that you are working on yourself. Patience is the key and I know that it can be hard when your missing a piece of your heart. Just remember taking your time now will definitely pay off later. If you both get back together, you'll both be happier for it. If not, then the changes your making now will benefit a new love that comes into your life in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chi NZ Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 I'm just finding it really difficult not to pour my heart out to her. I think I have pretty much said everything that can be said, but then I think of things that I hav'nt told her that I wish to get across. Coupled with lack of sleep and not eating correctly, (lost 4 kilos over 3 weeks and I'm not big to start with) It really is a downward spiral. I know I have already reached rock bottom, but still feel myself spiraling downwards. Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 NO. Do not "pour your heart out to her" now that she has left you. The 'kiss of death'. Women do not like men who cannot 'contain' negative emotion, whether that be anger, anxiety, remorse'. Yes, we say we want emotions from you guys, but what we mean by that, is we want displays of POSITIVE emotions, like love, affection, listening, etc.... Unchecked displays of the dark abyss of your emotional black hole right now will put the final nail in the coffin... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chi NZ Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 I havn't poured my heart out to her, but have come close a few times and managed to use 'self talk' to stay strong. NC seems to be the best option for me, I know it will allow both myself and her to heal, it's hard not wanting instant gratification though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chi NZ Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 *UPDATE* So I receive a text from her today. (We're sorting the phone bill and bond for the flat) It said "can you take ** amount from ** amount and is that okay ?" I text back " Yip, that will work. Sounds good" about an hour later. She then texts back "Sorry to keep texting you. I know its probably not making it easier" Should I be reading into that or not ? Link to post Share on other sites
MySweetie'sGone Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 *UPDATE* So I receive a text from her today. (We're sorting the phone bill and bond for the flat) It said "can you take ** amount from ** amount and is that okay ?" I text back " Yip, that will work. Sounds good" about an hour later. She then texts back "Sorry to keep texting you. I know its probably not making it easier" Should I be reading into that or not ? Read into it how? How could you possibly read into this? If it were a different text, maybe. Honestly, she's trying to sort out the bills...but realizes that she's probably not helping u to heal by having to contact you. I'm sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chi NZ Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 Yeah thought as much Cheers for your advice though Link to post Share on other sites
MySweetie'sGone Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 No problem. The more you do NC however, the more likely you are to get those messages that are easy to read into. The trick is ...DON'T. Until your ex sends you a message that clearly states her intentions, if ever, of getting back together don't try to interpret anything she says. It will just cause heartbreak and lengthen your healing process. If SHE messed up and have a modicum of intelligence believe me, she'll realize she let a good thing go. But until she readily admits it you must keep on trucking. Feel me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chi NZ Posted January 22, 2010 Author Share Posted January 22, 2010 Okay maybe I just made a big mistake.... We were talking on the phone, getting the last things to say out there before no contact. After we had hung up...I text her the following: "By reconciliation I mean with you. We need to become individuals again, I understand that. To heal. Ill take a chance on the future, either way this goes. You'll do whats best for you. I've asked myself this question over and over if working on this in the future is worth it, and the answer is absolutely yes. I am very much in love with you and I would'nt change that for the world. I think deep down you feel this too. Have good dreams and great sleeps.".... Have I made a huge mistake in sending that ?! Link to post Share on other sites
MySweetie'sGone Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 Okay maybe I just made a big mistake.... We were talking on the phone, getting the last things to say out there before no contact. After we had hung up...I text her the following: "By reconciliation I mean with you. We need to become individuals again, I understand that. To heal. Ill take a chance on the future, either way this goes. You'll do whats best for you. I've asked myself this question over and over if working on this in the future is worth it, and the answer is absolutely yes. I am very much in love with you and I would'nt change that for the world. I think deep down you feel this too. Have good dreams and great sleeps.".... Have I made a huge mistake in sending that ?! Well...only time will tell. It will only be a mistake if sending it causes YOU pain i.e. did she respond? Will she? Now you're going to be worried about whether she responds or not (or in the way you want). You're going to be disappointed either way. NC is for you to heal and get a grip on yourself so that you don't push your SO away by reacting emotionally. So I wouldn't say you made a mistake (honestly none of us can really judge). You did what YOU thought was best at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chi NZ Posted January 25, 2010 Author Share Posted January 25, 2010 Thanks for your knowledge MSG. Here's another update: Her Father came around tonight. I had asked him for forgiveness a few weeks ago. For the way I had handled the situation, and the for being the person I know I'm not. Tonight he forgave me...was a huge and humble step in my healing...I will ask Paula's mother Kath the same...for forgiveness....and then Paula which will be the hardest because I know it is too soon to ask. I am having trouble not punishing myself...yeah everyone says it's a two way street, takes two to tango etc...At the moment I'm trying to own my own ****... Another counseling session on Wednesday at 12pm...it's going to be a doozey.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chi NZ Posted January 25, 2010 Author Share Posted January 25, 2010 UPDATE** I know you guys are probably getting sick of these updates... Story goes: This morning I locked myself out of the house (needing my keys so I can drive to work), I tried every option except my ex (She still has a spare key) to get into the house, every option. In the end I had to call her. She ended bringing the key around, I apologised and said I did try every other option. We talk for a few minutes about getting her bond back for the flat (Which I'm dropping off to her parents tomorrow) and I finished with "You look good, I'll catch ya later" (she was in her dressing gown). I then get a text later from her mentioning more about the money for bond and that I need to stop saying she "Looks good...it's not like that anymore" I reply saying sorry and that it was just a compliment and that it was good to see her and I'll catch ya later. She replys that she's sorry it sounds harsh in a text but does'nt know how else to say it. I reply "Thats okay, I know you meant well. talk to you later". Now, I think this is a rather good thing. For one thing, I'm did'nt pour my heart out to her and the second, she actually smiled this time. Peoples thoughts ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chi NZ Posted January 26, 2010 Author Share Posted January 26, 2010 anyone ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chi NZ Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 Well today I have come to terms with the forgiveness thing... It must be given and not asked for, as hard as it its. My ex and I met last week and had a really great talk, we were both laughing and smiling, joking about things about the relationship. We then agreed on NC. Made me feel great to see her laugh and smile, triggered fellings within me and yet I was able to cope. Thanks for all the advice folks, no doubt in the coming months I will need it again Link to post Share on other sites
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