Fitness Dude Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I'm not going to re-hash the story, but the "uber-short" vesion..... Been married 2 years, together for about 6. I'm late 30's, she's early 30's, no children, 1st marriage for both of us. Early september she says that she "isn't happy" and "loves me, but isn't in love with me". She claims that she's been thinking this way for almost a year. (But never told me about it)? I find out she had an emotional affair, at the least. Maybe more, but most signs show it didn't get physical thanks to a close friend of hers defecting to my side and giving me "inside information" early on. We separate in early October, I beg, cry, beg, cry, beg, etc....Finally, I realize it's not helping and give up and realize divorce is inevitable. I go NC, A few weeks later, she asks to get back together and to hold off on the divorce for now. We date for a few weeks, on and off. Mid-December, I begin to get fed up with the pace to which it's progressing...in my head "why am I dating my own freakin' wife"??? I finally tell her, it isn't working for me, and I go completely NC again. We haven't talked since, other than texts relating to the divorce paperwork. It's amicable (for the most part). Very limited interaction via texts. A few days ago, she texts me asking about some of the final arrangements that we need to take care of - with some of our bills, etc. We go back and forth for a couple days amicably via texts. Finally, she calls me yesterday to ask me about some specifics. We talk for 5 minutes and it's not really about the divorce stuff, just hey how've you been? How's work, kinda things. We discuss getting together in a couple days to sign off of the divorce papers. We hang up. 10 minutes later I get a text saying....."I'm sorry I cut off our conversation, but it was a lot harder to speak to you than I thought it was going to be". After much deliberation and over-analysis on my part, I respond with " why is it hard? It shouldn't be". Her answer, "I know it shouldn't be, but it is". Now, finally my question...."what does this mean"? What do you think she meant by those texts? My fear is that if I just sign the papers she may be thinking that I'm beyond reconciliation and it's not worth bringing it up with me now. She not the person with the most "stick-to-it-iveness" I've known, that's for sure. Especially after all of this. I believe in marriage, I believe that it's hard, maybe impossible at times but I don't want to just give up. Is it worth trying one last time to see if we could get together between now and the "D-Day" signing? Please respond and tell me what you think of all this? I'm so torn as to what to do - based on her texts.
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I think you go ahead, sign, divorce, then go your separate ways for a whole year. No contact, no happy birthdays, no happy thanksgiving, happy Easter...nothing. You need to literally spend time alone, and re-evaluate because up to now, it's just been crap. Sometimes, people aren't just meant to be together, even if they have a bit of paper that says they should be. Odd how you were together for 4 years and everything was good, but then a 2-year marriage blew out of the water. Don't over-think it. Sign and get it over with. If she's not ready, that's her problem. She was the one who had the EA and told you she wasn't IN love with you. Let her take responsibility for herself. You deal with you. It has happened that divorced people got back together and married again. But I wouldn't advise it in this situation.
mikeymad Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Now, finally my question...."what does this mean"? What do you think she meant by those texts? My fear is that if I just sign the papers she may be thinking that I'm beyond reconciliation and it's not worth bringing it up with me now. She not the person with the most "stick-to-it-iveness" I've known, that's for sure. Especially after all of this. Sounds like she didn't exactly have any "stick-to-ti-tiveness" about the marriage in the first place, so you have a right to be wary that she wouldn't "stick to it" again. But, in the sense of it, instead of taking things slowly when dating your wife, you wanted to push the pace after only a few weeks. This essentially is like dating again, because your old marriage and relationship was pretty much over, and you had to build a new one. D-day is there for her too. Of course people second guess a major life decision like that. But her waffling isn't necessarily because she wants to be with you. It may be that she's just afraid of what it will mean for her (officially divorced, fear of being alone, what will people think, she's responsible for herself etc). A recon depends on if you are in it, willing to go SLOW, and if you are willing to do a lot of work initially with not much return, as she is the one who bolted. Others will disagree with me and say she needs to be running back to you, but sometimes pride gets in our way of doing what we need to. Screw pride. This isn't about saving a M. It's about the risk/reward of putting yourself out there, to possibly have this happen again if she's not 100% committed. Believe me....as someone who hasn't even been able to go total NC any significant length of time, keeping that hope alive slowly destroys you. Limbo is the worst place to be.
Author Fitness Dude Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 You both make, solid, valid points. I know that what we had is long gone, it would take a fool not to realize that. I'm just overstating the obvious here. I guess it comes down to this......when do you give up on something that is so important to you that you would die for it? What if I was willing to endure years of pain to see this through, I'm speaking in hyperbole now, but I'm trying to make a point too. When something is so important to you, do you ever really stop trying? Is there ever really enough that you can do. And finally, when you've tried doing "nothing" and that didn't seem to help either, is doing "something" a good idea as a last ditch effort? My biggest fear is that in these waning moments before it become official, could I capitalize on her doubts, gain a foothold, and begin working to build it back up again. I would have to swallow a lot of pride to do this, but I'm willing to do anything to keep from getting a divorce, it's too important to me. Will I look back at this time forever and wonder if there was something more that I could do? I just don't want to live with regret forever, I don't know that I could bare the weight for the rest of my days. I still live in this surreal world where all of this was a non-issue just a few short months ago. So much has changed in so little time, it's really hard to reconcile all of that in my mind these days.
mikeymad Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I really feel for you man. Its like you took those words straight from my brain, because I'm in the EXACT position as you and feel the same way. My court date is in 2 weeks, and I'm terrified. The thing is, if she has already decided she is done, you're just going to be ruining yourself for someone who doesn't want you (as much as that sucks to possibly think). And losing yourself completely for someone else isn't what they want either, and if they do that lays the ground for a pretty unhealthy relationship going forward. Have you asked her what her position is? The key....listen to her. Don't try to push what you want. Maybe since I'm in the thick of this myself I can't give you the best advice, because I am thinking/doing the same things as you.
carhill Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Now, finally my question...."what does this mean"? What do you think she meant by those texts? IMO, nothing; it's a random emotional variable that humans expell. If the M was something valuable to be worked on, you'd both be in MC working on it, right now. I get those emotional variables too, but revert back to the year + in MC and see reality for what it is and accept that part of health is minus stbx. We had a lot of great times. We are also incompatible and don't function in a healthy way together. Acceptance.
mem11363 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 FD, What you just described is likely a big part of the reason your marriage ended. You cannot get this over the top about a woman UNLESS she is this over the top about you. When a woman is over the top about a guy - this typically expresses via her burying him with sexual attention. And the average guy responds really well to that. Not being sarcastic or cynical here. If the guy likes the girl - then the like plus the sex steadily amplifies his feelings. The reverse does not work so well. The guy who loves way more simply comes across as needy and clingy which women cannot stand. You both make, solid, valid points. I know that what we had is long gone, it would take a fool not to realize that. I'm just overstating the obvious here. I guess it comes down to this......when do you give up on something that is so important to you that you would die for it? What if I was willing to endure years of pain to see this through, I'm speaking in hyperbole now, but I'm trying to make a point too. When something is so important to you, do you ever really stop trying? Is there ever really enough that you can do. And finally, when you've tried doing "nothing" and that didn't seem to help either, is doing "something" a good idea as a last ditch effort? My biggest fear is that in these waning moments before it become official, could I capitalize on her doubts, gain a foothold, and begin working to build it back up again. I would have to swallow a lot of pride to do this, but I'm willing to do anything to keep from getting a divorce, it's too important to me. Will I look back at this time forever and wonder if there was something more that I could do? I just don't want to live with regret forever, I don't know that I could bare the weight for the rest of my days. I still live in this surreal world where all of this was a non-issue just a few short months ago. So much has changed in so little time, it's really hard to reconcile all of that in my mind these days.
Author Fitness Dude Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) I believe in marriage and all that it means, maybe that's the difference here. I know it's not all a bed of roses, all the time. Marriage is permanent, a choice. Love is a choice........... Ahhh, I talk myself into these corners. I have so much to say, but don't feel like saying any of it right now. I just don't understand any of this, none of it makes sense to me. It's impossible to express all the underlying issues at hand here, specific to my case that may make a difference in some of your opinions. I just don't want to lose my wife. I know I already did but now there's going to paperwork making it official. I didn't think it was going to be this hard all over again. I was OK with all of this a week ago, now I'm going insane over a simple phone call and 5 minute conversation with her. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do anymore. It sucks when you get to the point where there's really no one who TRUELY understands where you are and what you're going through. Each situation is slightly different with it's own set of nuances. I just don't know what to do right now, I'm going off the deep end in anticipation of writing my own signature of a piece of paper. Oh yeah - I just want you guys to know that I appreciate all the suggestions / opinions / help. I really do, I don't always like it, but that's what makes it good. I'm sorry to ramble so much about nothing, I'm just in a really bad place right now. PS - I just noticed that there's a link for sharing stuff from this website on FB? WTF? When was the last time there was something on here that would be fit to share of FB? Edited February 10, 2010 by Fitness Dude Because I re-think everything right now.
Doing it Since '78 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 my dude, It is a hard pill to swallow, but remember that each day will be a better day. It's like a switch goes off and one person gives up, but if only it were really that simple. I know what your going through, as today I am in anticipation of my D day, which is in a month, however I know as it gets closer I will start to feel some apprehension, regret, and start to second guess myself, but you have to stand strong, and rest easy knowing that it will get better, and that their is better out there for you. Just like you found her, you will find another, and another, and another, all different and many who can appreciate you for you, and would never trample your heart like your stbxw has/is. Some days are good, others are bad, but remember that you can find the strength within to get through this. You can not make someone love you, you can not make some one respect you or the sanctity of marriage. All it takes is one person to lose their faith in it, and decide it is not worth the hard work, but you have to dig deep, deeper than you may have ever been, and pull yourself up, this board is very supportive, and were all here to lend help. And take care of yourself, get a new haircut, buy a new outfit, go on a date with the chick from work you always said you would holler at if you were single, go catch a game with your buddies, take a trip by yourself or with friends, start meditating, praying, volunteering, exercising, but whatever you choose to do, DO YOU, and do it to the fullest! What will happen, will happen. But you can not stay stuck in 3rd gear going up a mountain, you have to switch it up, adapt and move forward. Peace, and be patient. All of the things that you do not understand, will be revealed when you are ready. Being anxious will get you nowhere but the crazy farm or the jail house. Just concentrate on realizing where you went wrong, build from that and don't take the cancer into your next life. Peace my brother, and holler at me directly if you need anything. Were all in some sort of mess, but together we can all lend a hand in cleaning it up.
mikeymad Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Fdude I do know where you're at. Yes our situations may be slightly different, but basically we're all in the same situation. We were left/abandonded/dumped and now that person wants out. We have been given the advice of NC, move on, give up, get out, go away. Our heads have a hard time wrapping around that because of what our heart feels. We go back and amplify the good times, while the stbx is amplifying the bad. It becomes a battle at this point. You're asking for advice, but like some other stubborn SOB's (check out my thread if you don't believe me, I'm probably one of the worst here, and not by my own accord) we know what we want and what we want to do. We think if we explain or rationalize or talk circles enough...someone will give us the advice we WANT to hear. "Sure, go ahead and drive by her house all day...she'll know you still think of her." "Absolutely pour your heart out for 30 days straight in specially designed envelopes you made for her, she'll really appreciated that." ETC The sad part is, most of our WAS's are doing the same thing. Finding friends, family (and in my case her therapist) to side with them to reinforce their position. It sucks, it really does. I am going to suggest a book to read, and it's not "divorce remedy", or "the homer method". This book is about accepting the finality of what's going on, and how you move on from it. Opening it up is the toughest part, and believe me, I'm still struggling. It's called "rebuilding: when your relationship ends." It takes you through the 19 stages of getting back YOU. Sucks, but you gotta do it, whether you get her back or not, cuz you don't want to be this way forever. PM me if you want, I'm right there with you.
PuggaGirl Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Dude, I got the same speech in November from my husband. We've been together for 14 years and he was never happy or really in love with me. We've been separated since November and he's moving on quite nicely. I've been begging and trying to hold onto little glimmers of hope. He's ready to do the paperwork and be divorced. I finally faced reality this week and I'm trying to seriously go NC. Its tough. I really don't have any advice as I am right in the midst of the storm as well. We are heading down this path at almost the same speed. Keep posting so I don't feel so alone.
aimchase Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Dude, Reading your original post and how your wife has been of late, I get the feeling that she's equally fearing the divorce, just like you. That's normal, some people get the jitters about getting married and forming a contractual relationship, in the same way people are the same when breaking them. Signing that paper, in both your eyes, is a complete termination of your relationship and understandably is a confusing and difficult prospect to face. I guess i'm going against the advice of some here but if you really want her, then perhaps talk to her - not to ask for her back but to try and gage her feelings. A divorce doesn't have a timeline and it doesn't really make any difference whether you get it signed now or in a few months time. If you both want to give it onelast effort though, then why not? What's the worst that can happen? You find it doesn't work, then you're completely assured that divorce is the way forward thereafter. I'm in very much the same boat as you - my wife enquired about divorce only weeks ater we split, though I think a lot of that was a knee-jerk reaction. It was stalled to some extent becausecontact with the children became the priority and took our court time, but this is nearly over and I suspect she may get the procedure on the road again. She says says she doesn't want to divorce yet - i.e, in a similar way to your own she's struggling to properly close the book. I would say that if that's how you both feel, then don't shut it until one or both of you are 100% sure that's what you want to move on. Good luck Aim
Author Fitness Dude Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Well, I'll be singing the paperwork within the next 24 hours. I've decided it's all I have to do. I just have exhausted all emotional reserves that I have left and can't afford to tap into them anymore, the tank is empty. I have to move on. I appreciate all the advice, all of it. This is one of the most difficult things that I'll ever do in my life.
Doing it Since '78 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Well, I'll be singing the paperwork within the next 24 hours. I've decided it's all I have to do. I just have exhausted all emotional reserves that I have left and can't afford to tap into them anymore, the tank is empty. I have to move on. I appreciate all the advice, all of it. This is one of the most difficult things that I'll ever do in my life. Remember this too, it is probably difficult for you WAS as well, seek some comfort in knowing that you did not create this mess by yourself, and she is probably going through hell as well, whether or not she shows it. stay strong
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