being bullied: Does it effect you later in life?

[hotgurl]

The other thread got me thinking.

 

of the people on LS who have been bullied in junior and high school. Did it effect you later in life.

 

 

As an adult have you found that is has changed you view of yourself?

 

I was bullied pretty bad for about 4 years in Elementary school and junior high. That coupled with my home life has effected me into adult hood.

 

especially my self esteem and how I view myself compared to other people. My internal dialogue is very negative.

 

As I have grow, and matured I have come to recognize this in myself and am learning to overcome it.

 

Mos tof the time I am pretty successful but sometime I am not.

 

However I have found I have the complete inability to accurately asses myself esp in the looks department.

[laRubiaBonita]

i was made fun of regularly through out school.... and it did take a toll on my self esteem

[TaraMaiden]

I had a very fractured education, attending 3 different schools.

I was badly bullied in the first, and removed for my own safety, by my parents.

I was also bullied at home by my elder brother.

In my second school, I was largely ostracised and didn't 'belong' throughout the 5 years I was there.

In my last school, I was so behind in my education, that a couple of the teachers made my life a misery!

 

Bullying only affects you later in life, if - like anything else - you let it.

You either keep giving your power away, or refuse to release it under the impression that others still have that control over you.

 

So does the bullying I experienced affect me now?

Not one bit.

Because I say so.

[Eeyore79]

Being bullied at school had a huge effect on my life, particularly on my self esteem.

 

For starters, I grew up lacking that group of friends who you meet in your teens and know all your life. I generally lacked the skills for making friends because I had been bullied and ostracised, and I still feel that affects me to some extent because even now I don't have a great deal of friends and I suffer from low self esteem.

 

Being bullied also affected my relationships. In my late teens I was so convinced of my own ugliness that when my first boyfriend asked me out I thought it was a cruel joke, and my low self esteem led me to be clingy and needy in relationships, and to put up with abuse from boyfriends just because I wanted someone to like me. Later on, I figured out that men found me attractive and I used that to get them to like me and spend time with me - I was far too open sexually and as a result I ended up being used. I jumped from one boyfriend to the next, constantly seeking a ready-made social life and a boost to my self esteem. I was well into my twenties before I felt comfortable being single, and figured out that a guy should treat me with respect, and that wanting someone to like me and spend time with me was not a good enough reason to date them because I was essentially "buying" their friendship.

 

Now I feel I have a much healthier attitude towards friendships and relationships, I am able to interact socially in a relatively normal way, and I've figured out what I want in a boyfriend (and it isn't just "someone who likes me and lets me hang out with his friends"). However the aftermath is that I don't have a great deal of friends, I don't have any friends who I've known for a particularly long time, I still suffer a little from low self esteem, and I have to resist the urge to use my sexuality to persuade people to like me because I feel that I have nothing else to offer. Issues such as bullying during your formative teenage years really do have a far-reaching effect on the rest of your life

[Taramere]

Like Tara Maiden, I was bullied physically and emotionally by an older brother...but that stopped by the time I was in my teens. We'd still come into conflict about things, of course, but there's a big difference between arguing and bullying/being bullied. I think most people with an older sibling have probably grown up being bullied a fair bit. I'm not sure what the effect on me personally is, other than that having grown up fighting back against an older brother I find it easier to engage in conflict with men than with women.

 

Most of my friends have sisters, and I always felt as though they knew something I didn't in terms of managing conflict with other women. I was never comfortable with the catty, whispering behind hands approach at school...and always preferred a more direct, confrontational approach. Say what you think, be clear about it, quarrel if necessary, but get it on the table, and get it sorted out. That's probably the consequence of the kind of bullying I had as a child (ie at my brother's hands). Bullying at school from other girls....I had those situations where I'd fall out with friends and get sent to Coventry for a few days at a time. I always found it upsetting, and being isolated like that is a form of bullying. On the other hand you always knew it would get sorted out in the end.

 

Most of the kids at the school I went to were pretty nice. There was cattiness and confrontation, of course, but nobody would ever get completely isolated unless they really went out of their way not to be friendly with anyone. If your friends fell out with you, another group would let you hang around with them until you'd sorted things out with your usual group of friends. Likewise, you'd return the favour to any temporary outcasts.

 

But that was a long time ago. My blood ran a bit cold when I read the story of poor Phoebe Prince. It seems as though those girls who bullied her had a real grip over the entire school. Not just that, but the technology available today means that it never ends for these kids. you even hear about attacks being filmed and posted on youtube. Talk about a desensitised youth culture.

 

I was talking about this to a friend's daughter today. She's around the same age Phoebe Prince was, and she seemed as horrified by the story as I was. I just don't think schools were I live have this social hierarchy crap and neat categorisation of people ("jocks", cheerleaders, nerds etc) that you hear so much about in American High Schools. I'm not surprised Phoebe Prince found the cultural difference so traumatising. To go to a place where you're expected to fit into some neat social box, rather than just be yourself. to be harangued and driven to a suicidal state as a result of not fitting into any of those neat little boxes. It's appalling. What I don't understand is why it is that America as a country embraces individualism, yet its children seem hell bent on torturing eachother into conformity.

Edited February 4, 2010 by Taramere

[Trialbyfire]

My older sister is a micromanager, controlling to the point of minutiae, where there are no boundaries for her need to control. After the other thread about bullying, I guess her behaviour could be construed as being a bully, albeit I've always held my own with her, so she wasn't able to dominate effectively.

 

How it's affected me is that when someone tries to control or harass me, I dig in my heels and flip them the bird.

[Jeff1962]

The other thread got me thinking.

 

of the people on LS who have been bullied in junior and high school. Did it effect you later in life.

 

 

As an adult have you found that is has changed you view of yourself?

 

I was bullied pretty bad for about 4 years in Elementary school and junior high. That coupled with my home life has effected me into adult hood.

 

especially my self esteem and how I view myself compared to other people. My internal dialogue is very negative.

 

As I have grow, and matured I have come to recognize this in myself and am learning to overcome it.

 

Mos tof the time I am pretty successful but sometime I am not.

 

However I have found I have the complete inability to accurately asses myself esp in the looks department.

 

First of all, I'm glad to hear that you recognize your issues and are dealing with them. Remember that kids are very cruel, they can be like a pack of wolves once they smell blood. This is because kids lack the social maturity to handle their own insecurities, so they lash out to make themselves feel better. If you met these people today, they would more than likely have changed and even want to be your friend. You are probably more successful than many of them.

 

I had a pretty bad childhood. My dad beat me up pretty good a couple of times but he NEVER touched my mother. I joined the Marines as soon as I could. I was bullied once in middle school, I eventually took care of it and was never picked on again.

 

Of course your home life and your experiences effect you to a degree. Learn to embrace them. They do not define you but they are a part of you.

 

Now onto adulthood. Sounds to me like you are confident and have pretty much let go of these adolescent issues. Continue to believe in yourself. I don't think any of us truly see ourselves as others see us. We are our own worst critics. Take care of yourself and don't worry about it so much. You have to live in your skin, not anyone else.

[quankanne]

To go to a place where you're expected to fit into some neat social box, rather than just be yourself. to be harangued and driven to a suicidal state as a result of not fitting into any of those neat little boxes. It's appalling. What I don't understand is why it is that America as a country embraces individualism, yet its children seem hell bent on torturing each other into conformity.

 

this was the hell of growing up in a small South Texas town where there was a rigid "social system." Because my dad was career Air Force, and therefore the family moved around a lot before I was born, we didn't fit in. The other Mexicans thought we were too "white," and the whites just saw skin color. And even though my dad was BORN in that town, we weren't considered OF that town.

 

throw in the whole angst-ridden, misfit kid thing, and you've got a young Quank. I hated it there – boys would bully you if you were different, and girls would freeze you out. That's not to say I didn't have my circle of friends – or fun – but you can be assured that I was ready to blow that joint by the time I hit my high school years because I hated it so much. And it didn't help that the popular people (jocks, cheerleaders) could do no wrong in the eyes of the townsfolk because They Were Real Heroes, yadda yadda. And therefore, turned a blind eye to the bullying behavior of kids, because nobody wanted to stir the pot ...

 

then came college, which, for the most part was a positive growing experience. While I did have some self-esteem issues that played out with my sleeping around to feel "better" about myself, I did grow more comfortable being who I was simply because I'd met a group of like-minded people in the folks who worked at the campus newspaper. And I blossomed there.

 

25 years later, nothing's changed in my hometown. The pecking order is still rigidly in place and no one wants to step up to the bullies. From what a friend tells me, there are a circle of "mean girls" in her son's former freshman class back home who have bullied two girls so badly that they attempted suicide. And still no one will step up ...

[Taramere]

throw in the whole angst-ridden, misfit kid thing, and you've got a young Quank. I hated it there – boys would bully you if you were different, and girls would freeze you out. That's not to say I didn't have my circle of friends – or fun – but you can be assured that I was ready to blow that joint by the time I hit my high school years because I hated it so much. And it didn't help that the popular people (jocks, cheerleaders) could do no wrong in the eyes of the townsfolk because They Were Real Heroes, yadda yadda. And therefore, turned a blind eye to the bullying behavior of kids, because nobody wanted to stir the pot ...

 

I'll always remember visiting this small town in West Virginia (during a trip with friends). We chanced upon this highschool football game which the whole town seemed to be attending...and for a small fee we were allowed in to spectate. It seemed like a good opportunity to see a proper slice of life.

 

There was this guy dressed up as a team mascot. He was running around trying to talk to players on the team he was evidently mascot to...and also trying to talk to the cheerleaders. Time after time, these kids would turn round, see it was him and just cold shoulder him very blatantly. It was sad to watch.

 

An isolated few players and cheerleaders were taking him on and giving him the time of day. Mostly, though, they just seemed to be ignoring or mocking him. So you got this impression of a bunch of spoiled little sh*ts who thought it was cool to socially ostracise another kid in that way....and worse than that, an audience of parents watching their children acting that way, and presumably not thinking there was anything amiss with it.

 

25 years later, nothing's changed in my hometown. The pecking order is still rigidly in place and no one wants to step up to the bullies. From what a friend tells me, there are a circle of "mean girls" in her son's former freshman class back home who have bullied two girls so badly that they attempted suicide. And still no one will step up ...

 

What is it that the schools are afraid of that stops them from dealing with this effectively? Do the parents of these bullies have some sort of influence over the head teachers?

[Normalguy]

When I was in junior high I had 3 black kids who would bully me on the bus every morning. Also a gang that picked on me at school beceause one of the gangsters was friends with me before he joined the gang and they made him prove he was cold hearted by harassing his former friend who was a soft whiteboy.

 

There was really nothing I could do about the gang. But the three black kids I got smart about. Two were in 8th grade, one was in 6th. I was in 8th.

 

I waited for the 6th grader to get sent to the front of the bus for misbehaving, which happened all the time. Then I purposely got sent to the front of the bus for misbehaving. Had it all planned out that I was going to go berzerk and beat the piss out of him. So I hit him once and he cried to the bus driver, I got suspended from the bus for a couple days.

 

Never got picked on by those kids again.

 

Also later in life the neighborhood bully went around threatening me with violence. We ended up being cool with eachother after I got in a fight with someone and I won in a huge way.

 

About 2 years ago when I was 18 a different neighborhood bully who harassed everyone friend or foe. Challenged me to a fight beceause I got mad at him for taking forever at his girlfriends house. I blacked his eye with a jab, but he roundhouse kicked me in the ribs and put me down. It didn't matter that I lost, I still made my point. Havn't heard from him at all since.

 

Point is, bullies scare pretty easy.

 

How has it effected me? Well I'm a huge introvert. I always expect the worst from new people. Which makes me standoffish untill I've figured them out. If I ever get messed with, I know to let them know I mean business before it gets out of hand. Not neccasarily by punching them. Most of the time telling them off is good enough.

[hotgurl]

First of all, I'm glad to hear that you recognize your issues and are dealing with them. Remember that kids are very cruel, they can be like a pack of wolves once they smell blood. This is because kids lack the social maturity to handle their own insecurities, so they lash out to make themselves feel better. If you met these people today, they would more than likely have changed and even want to be your friend. You are probably more successful than many of them.

 

I had a pretty bad childhood. My dad beat me up pretty good a couple of times but he NEVER touched my mother. I joined the Marines as soon as I could. I was bullied once in middle school, I eventually took care of it and was never picked on again.

 

Of course your home life and your experiences effect you to a degree. Learn to embrace them. They do not define you but they are a part of you.

 

Now onto adulthood. Sounds to me like you are confident and have pretty much let go of these adolescent issues. Continue to believe in yourself. I don't think any of us truly see ourselves as others see us. We are our own worst critics. Take care of yourself and don't worry about it so much. You have to live in your skin, not anyone else.

 

Than you for your psot it was really thoughtful and sweet.

 

I am confident now if everything except for the looks department and For the life of me I just can't shake it.

 

It is so bad when I saw my wedding pictures I immediatly though how fat I looked etc... This is the last hurdle I have to get over.

[Trialbyfire]

It is so bad when I saw my wedding pictures I immediatly though how fat I looked etc... This is the last hurdle I have to get over.

You might be surprised how many women feel they look fat in pics. I sometimes look at my own pics and think certain body parts are fat or need working on. And yet, when stepping back and looking at my numbers, not even close to the official definition of fat. Everyone is their own worst critic, so don't feel alone. No one is perfect, so we do the best we can, with what we're given.

[quankanne]

What is it that the schools are afraid of that stops them from dealing with this effectively? Do the parents of these bullies have some sort of influence over the head teachers?

 

no one wants to rock the boat, because to do so is to chance being ostracized. And in a small town, that means literally hell to pay. One of my classmates was telling me about the Polish Mafia setting roots down there. I thought she was joking until she told me they were behind the beating of a close family friend of ours. This girl's mom is very outspoken on race and equality issues, and was going to the city council to complain about the racism problem in high school, because apparently this gang was recruiting younger members, but they turned a deaf ear because they were convinced it wasn't happening in their town. Mom finally got the DPS involved ... and promptly got a reputation as a pot-stirrer, even though she helped get the bad influence out of town.

 

people just don't want to get out of their comfort zone for whatever reason, esp. in a small town. Which sucks.

 

OP, there's a really good book about bullying by Frank Piretti, I think the new title is something like "Wounded Spirit" – he's a Christian suspense writer who has a whole other take on bullying and how to fight it based on the belief that as children of God, we're to be treated with and act with dignity by and toward others. Good stuff, based on his personal dealings with bullying.

[hotgurl]

You might be surprised how many women feel they look fat in pics. I sometimes look at my own pics and think certain body parts are fat or need working on. And yet, when stepping back and looking at my numbers, not even close to the official definition of fat. Everyone is their own worst critic, so don't feel alone. No one is perfect, so we do the best we can, with what we're given.

 

I know and I think the media has a lot to do with that as well. Women are very critical about themselves. But I think learning to be OK with how I look is an important step for me.

[burning 4 revenge]

Gosh hearing these stories make my HS years sound like a dream.

 

My parents sent me to a Protestant bible school because the Catholic HS was too expensive

 

I didnt fit in too well at first so I made friends with a Jewish kid and an Indian Muslim who were in a similar boat. Even though I didnt fit in and the kids were cliquish I have to say they didnt have any bully problems at that school and in retrospect Im glad I went there

 

If anything I was a corrosive influence as I introduced a few of the lilly-pure Baptist kids to cigarettes and marijuana which I got from my depraved Catholic school friends

[Trialbyfire]

I know and I think the media has a lot to do with that as well. Women are very critical about themselves. But I think learning to be OK with how I look is an important step for me.

This is more to do with our internals, than the media. We each have our own internal image of what we'd prefer to look like and when we try to synchronize this internal idealized image with our own looks, we will ALWAYS fall short. So it's up to each one of us, to balance our thoughts to something more realistic.

[burning 4 revenge]

What I don't understand is why it is that America as a country embraces individualism, yet its children seem hell bent on torturing eachother into conformity.

Economic individualism, not cultural-personal individualism

 

Its a premise that if one wants to build a small business from scratch into a profitable enterprise the system is set up in such a way to make that less difficult than it is in other countries

 

I dont know if thats true, but thats the theory

[Taramere]

Economic individualism, not cultural-personal individualism

 

Its a premise that if one wants to build a small business from scratch into a profitable enterprise the system is set up in such a way to make that less difficult than it is in other countries

 

I dont know if thats true, but thats the theory

 

The laissez-faire approach. It's got much to recommend it in terms of economics, but perhaps some schools (and parents) could do with applying a less laissez-faire approach towards children's behaviour.

[burning 4 revenge]

The laissez-faire approach. It's got much to recommend it in terms of economics, but perhaps some schools (and parents) could do with applying a less laissez-faire approach towards children's behaviour.

I got the impression after reading Ross UK's posts from Manchester and reading about hooliganism in a lot of Welsh's stuff that bullying was probably even worse over there, but I went to private schools until university so I was spared a lot of grief that I surely would have gone through had I went to public school

 

Maybe its worse here I don't really know

[burning 4 revenge]

I do remember I got beat up a couple of times at sporting events around 12-13 years old....that seems to be a troubled age

 

Hanging around stoners seemed to be a good way to avoid a lot of drama

[Jeff1962]

Than you for your psot it was really thoughtful and sweet.

 

I am confident now if everything except for the looks department and For the life of me I just can't shake it.

 

It is so bad when I saw my wedding pictures I immediatly though how fat I looked etc... This is the last hurdle I have to get over.

 

Well, are you over weight? If so, this is easily changed. Do something about it. It will take hard work and dedication but I feel that you are up for it. It is only right to take care of yourself in all areas. No matter your weight, remember who you are.

[Taramere]

I got the impression after reading Ross UK's posts from Manchester and reading about hooliganism in a lot of Welsh's stuff that bullying was probably even worse over there, but I went to private schools until university so I was spared a lot of grief that I surely would have gone through had I went to public school

 

Maybe its worse here I don't really know

 

Drug and alcohol related violence is certainly a problem in general over here.

 

Most schools do seem to recognise bullying as a potential problem they must have a policy in place for. Every child has access to a guidance teacher, and if they have serious problems social services will be called in to provide support. In cases of serious bullying, the police would be called in and a social worker would do a background report on the bully and his/her family. Then the child might appear before a children's hearing (Scotland) or a juvenile court (England). That's not to say there aren't sometimes quite serious bullying problems, but the authorities get very involved in tackling them. Some schools also have peer mediation schemes to enable disputes between children to be sorted out by older children.

 

What does stand out for me is that people here don't seem so inclined to define themselves with reference to their schooldays - and perhaps that's because there isn't this common separation of children into cliques of jock, cheerleader, nerd etc.

 

I mean if you asked me "what group were you in at school" I'd be stumped. I was in the group that my friends were in, and we were all quite different people who just connected for various reasons. Similar sense of humour, shared interests, living close by eachother etc etc. Some were bright, some were dense, some pretty, some average. It was the same with all the cliques. There was seldom a common denominator by which you could define a particular clique.

 

The impression I get in America is that many people define themselves very readily with reference to how they were labelled at school. "I was a cheerleader" or "I was a nerd" and that these labels stick with them throughout their lives. Which may provide a sense of self esteem in some cases, and create raw feelings in others.

[burning 4 revenge]

True about the cliques

 

I didnt even realize Id assigned myself a clique and then I look at the post above yours and I say I hung out with the stoners...hence a clique

 

Im not sure to what degree those original cliques stay with you ,but the idea of stratification by clique does as Americans often judge people by occupation and socio-economic status and tend to socialize with those in their own stratum.

 

England was considered the epitome of a class conscious society at one time, but Im sure America has far surpassed it.

[Phateless]

The other thread got me thinking.

 

of the people on LS who have been bullied in junior and high school. Did it effect you later in life.

 

 

As an adult have you found that is has changed you view of yourself?

 

I was bullied pretty bad for about 4 years in Elementary school and junior high. That coupled with my home life has effected me into adult hood.

 

especially my self esteem and how I view myself compared to other people. My internal dialogue is very negative.

 

As I have grow, and matured I have come to recognize this in myself and am learning to overcome it.

 

Mos tof the time I am pretty successful but sometime I am not.

 

However I have found I have the complete inability to accurately asses myself esp in the looks department.

 

Absolutely! At 29, I am only really finding my true confidence in my looks, but I still feel inadequate i other ways a lot of the time, and it's hard.

 

For most of my life the bullying from elementary, junior high, and being the outcast in high school stayed with me. That stuff leaves an impression, and there are bullies from elementary school whose asses I STILL want to kick.

[ella23]

I was bullied at school by a few girls between the ages of 11-14 and yes, it has affected my self esteem.