Wife not remorseful about affair...

[zwieback.toast]

He deserves the truth. Why should he have to accept something he has no knowledge of? Infedelity is usually a deal breaker. Some can survive but he should be allowed to make that choice, instead of it being decided for him.

 

I think that's only one way of looking at it. You're looking at it from the perspective of the spouse who was cheated on.

 

You need to open things up a little perhaps and take a look at it from the perspective of the spouse who had the affair.

 

From that perspective, not telling about the affair makes a lot of sense. After all the spouse who had the affair never told about the affair in the first place when it was going on. So in a sense, the decision to keep the secret has already been made.

 

I don't think it makes a lot of sense to stop keeping the secret simply because the affair has ended. Whatever reason existed for keeping the affair secret in the first place would justify keeping it secret after the affair has ended. I think that's actually pretty easy to understand.

[Disintegration]

Why even make the choice to have an affair to begin with? Why not just get a divorce if a person is unhappy? People tend to make excuses for why they went outside of their marriage and had indiscretions. Whatever happened to Forsaking All Others, or was that purposely left out in the marital vows?

[Samantha0905]

:bunny::bunny:That would be me. I will always feel I have the right to make decisions about MY life? Just as Mr. Messy had the right to make decisions about HIS life. I didn't find out for a number of years....until the last A. I didn't have a clue, wasn't happy with him, but never felt he was cheating. When I did, now I wonder what parts of my life, if any were real. I wonder when he said a certain thing, took me on trip or gave me a gift, what was the reason for it. Was it remorse, guilt, appeasement, love(I now know he could have never loved me. My children were conceived in lust and I thought all this time it was love on both our parts). When he blamed me for stuff and accused me of being manipulative was it because that was the way he really was or because OW did something he didn't like and I took the heat? I wonder when my father was dying was he with her? I wonder where or who was his mind when I thought it was just the two of us?

 

I also don't want to debate about why you won't tell, that's your choice. But if had been given the choice that was mine in the first place, there are different directions I would have taken years ago. I wouldn't have felt cheated out of a large portion of my life? I wouldn't have felt like the 20+ years I spent with him weren't a mirage, an illusion. I do believe God forgives completely when asked. He also says we have to go to those we have to those we have offended and make it right with them, not to mention bearing false witness. Just my take.

 

I'm sorry for what happened to you and I appreciate you sharing it. I imagine it was very painful and I now know why you refer to him as Mr. Messy.

 

I don't think my forgiveness with God is dependent on my confession to my husband. I do think God calls us to be honest and this will be a burden I will bear. I have no intention of hurting my husband/marriage any more than I already have. If people want to interpret it as CYA, then so be it. Perhaps if God wants to convict me to tell my husband I will. I've been praying about it and right now I am where I am.

 

He's a good man. My children are happy. He and I are working through our issues. I'm freshly on the other side of an affair. Time will tell.

[zwieback.toast]

The entire foundation isn't lies. I had one affair. I made a mistake or wrong choice for those who don't like the word mistake. There were 32 years without an affair and I imagine there are going to be quite a few more beyond this past not very happy year.

 

I don't know that it's fair to call it a "mistake" unless the person having the affair got absolutely no benefit out of it. Obviously in your case something serious must have been missing from your marriage if this happened after 32 years.

 

I think it's dangerous for people to assume that whatever was missing from the marriage that caused the affair is automatically "fixed" just because the affair has ended. Whatever root causes in the marriage led up to the affair need to be addressed.

 

Ideally if a person wanted to stay in the marriage, but the affair fulfilled the needs that weren't getting fulfilled in the marriage, the best scenario would be to be able to continue the affair indefinitely. I suppose that would be logistically difficult however, and the affair partner might not be happy with that.

 

 

 

You're assuming it will come out or everything that comes out of my mouth from now until the end of our life together will be lies. I don't think once someone tells a lie, they are bound to continue lying. I don't think once someone has an affair they will necessarily continue having affairs. I don't think my marriage will be a lie. I don't think it has been a lie. It's not like the affair is still going on and it isn't like a nagging thing for me.

 

Well it actually sounds like you're still dwelling on it quite a bit, maybe that's due to the recency of it? Are you sure you made the right decision when you ended your affair? Some people are better off just getting divorced so they can be happy with someone else. (I'm not saying that's you in particular.)

 

 

 

No, God has forgiven me and I'm sure wants me to forgive myself. I will say what I must and I don't agree with you. I don't know you are right. I think perhaps for you that is the right way for you to handle it. My goodness, if everything I don't tell is a lie by omission -- does that leave me with no privacy or secrets?

 

That depends upon what kind of relationship a person has with their spouse. If you are afraid your spouse might get abusive if he found out about your affair, then you should definitely not trigger something like that by telling him.

 

 

 

I am moving forward. I'm not feeling this overwhelming sense to tell. I actually feel there is absolutely no need to tell.

 

I agree with this, there is no point in telling your spouse. If you had made a decision that you wanted to divorce your husband and be with your affair partner that would obviously be a different story.

 

Frankly, what your husband doesn't know, won't hurt him.

[SoulStorm]

The entire foundation isn't lies. I had one affair. I made a mistake or wrong choice for those who don't like the word mistake. There were 32 years without an affair and I imagine there are going to be quite a few more beyond this past not very happy year.

 

An affair does not define a relationship.

 

 

 

You're assuming it will come out or everything that comes out of my mouth from now until the end of our life together will be lies. I don't think once someone tells a lie, they are bound to continue lying. I don't think once someone has an affair they will necessarily continue having affairs. I don't think my marriage will be a lie. I don't think it has been a lie. It's not like the affair is still going on and it isn't like a nagging thing for me.

 

 

 

No, God has forgiven me and I'm sure wants me to forgive myself. I will say what I must and I don't agree with you. I don't know you are right. I think perhaps for you that is the right way for you to handle it. My goodness, if everything I don't tell is a lie by omission -- does that leave me with no privacy or secrets?

 

I am moving forward. I'm not feeling this overwhelming sense to tell. I actually feel there is absolutely no need to tell.

 

Too many "I"'s in your rebuttal. This is still all about what You think and not anybody else. Good luck

[Samantha0905]

Too many "I"'s in your rebuttal. This is still all about what You think and not anybody else. Good luck

 

Well, if I responded in the third person I'm sure you'd really have a judgment about someone you do not know. Samantha is nice. Samantha thinks of others. In fact, people tell Samantha she has a lot of mercy. How's that?

[SoulStorm]

My goodness, if everything I don't tell is a lie by omission -- does that leave me with no privacy or secrets?

 

 

 

This is a blanket statement. We know which omission we are talking about. But as I said ..good luck

[zwieback.toast]

Why even make the choice to have an affair to begin with? Why not just get a divorce if a person is unhappy? People tend to make excuses for why they went outside of their marriage and had indiscretions. Whatever happened to Forsaking All Others, or was that purposely left out in the marital vows?

 

Well, I see your point, but isn't it a kind of extreme all or nothing attitude?

 

It seems to me that someone could have a marriage that is not 100% satisfactory but yet is not so bad that it requires a divorce.

 

If a woman for example is say sexually/emotionally unfulfilled by her husband, but in other respects he is very a good spouse--i.e. works hard at his job, he's a good provider, respected in the community, a good dad, is not physically or emotionally abusive, etc.--why should the woman pay the penalty of divorce and potentially losing her lifestyle just because her husband is deficient in the sexual/emotional areas? On the other hand, why should the wife be forced to remain sexually/emotionally unfulfilled? That's not fair to her.

 

In that case an affair with someone that she can really love and who can really satisfy her sexually and emotionally makes all the sense in the world. The only person it might not be fair to is the man she is having the affair with, as he only gets a small part of her. On the other hand since he knows she is married to someone else, the affair partner really has no complaint if he has to play "second fiddle."

[SoulStorm]

Frankly, what your husband doesn't know, won't hurt him.

Frankly, what your husband doesn't know, won't hurt him.

Frankly, what your husband doesn't know, won't hurt him. Today 3:01 PMFrankly, what your husband doesn't know, won't hurt him. Today 3:01 PM

frankly, what your husband doesn't know won't hurt him

 

Well..I definitely don't agree with this.

 

If he never finds out she will have suceeded in lying to him for the rest of his years.

If he does find out..the point of betrayal up to present would be considered a lie and false.

 

Either way..it shows a lack of disrespect and selfishness. because he will have to find out on his own and her plea of I was trying not to hurt you will fall on deaf ears.

 

And frankly..you don't have to pray about what you know is the right thing to do

[SoulStorm]

Well, I see your point, but isn't it a kind of extreme all or nothing attitude?

 

It seems to me that someone could have a marriage that is not 100% satisfactory but yet is not so bad that it requires a divorce.

 

If a woman for example is say sexually/emotionally unfulfilled by her husband, but in other respects he is very a good spouse--i.e. works hard at his job, he's a good provider, respected in the community, a good dad, is not physically or emotionally abusive, etc.--why should the woman pay the penalty of divorce and potentially losing her lifestyle just because her husband is deficient in the sexual/emotional areas? On the other hand, why should the wife be forced to remain sexually/emotionally unfulfilled? That's not fair to her.

 

In that case an affair with someone that she can really love and who can really satisfy her sexually and emotionally makes all the sense in the world. The only person it might not be fair to is the man she is having the affair with, as he only gets a small part of her. On the other hand since he knows she is married to someone else, the affair partner really has no complaint if he has to play "second fiddle."

 

Are you crazy? Wow..just wow. an affair makes as about as much sense as a monkey in charge of a nuclear bomb facility. That is very unproductive.

[Samantha0905]

I don't know that it's fair to call it a "mistake" unless the person having the affair got absolutely no benefit out of it. Obviously in your case something serious must have been missing from your marriage if this happened after 32 years.

 

Yes, I know. But sometimes I just use the word mistake -- I know it is a choice -- and I've been lambasted here for that ease of typing. For what it's worth, I know it was a choice I made.

 

It was a lot of stuff going on all at once -- loneliness due to a lack of intimacy, lack of sexual attraction that had been there since the honeymoon, planning a wedding, renovating a house, children both moving out one month apart. I suppose it all came together to create the perfect storm. Some of it built up over the years.

 

I think it's dangerous for people to assume that whatever was missing from the marriage that caused the affair is automatically "fixed" just because the affair has ended. Whatever root causes in the marriage led up to the affair need to be addressed.

]

 

Yes, I agree with that. I think I first need to get some individual counseling.

 

Ideally if a person wanted to stay in the marriage, but the affair fulfilled the needs that weren't getting fulfilled in the marriage, the best scenario would be to be able to continue the affair indefinitely. I suppose that would be logistically difficult however, and the affair partner might not be happy with that.

 

That would be nice, but I'm not allowed. That was a joke -- no offense meant. I simply had more and more trouble carrying on the affair. I felt guilty over the affair, worried about it being discovered, was more and more pressured by my AP to end the marriage and be with him full time, etc. Both my affair partner and I ended the affair several times each and each lasted no time at all with our conviction.

 

 

Well it actually sounds like you're still dwelling on it quite a bit, maybe that's due to the recency of it? Are you sure you made the right decision when you ended your affair? Some people are better off just getting divorced so they can be happy with someone else. (I'm not saying that's you in particular.)

 

It has been somewhat recent and another poster had turned the thread around to be about me and posted a lot of very aggressive/name calling responses which have since been deleted. I suppose that got me to talking about it more.

 

I think that is the truth in some cases -- about some people being better off getting a divorce. When I think about things rationally it really does come down to the fact that my husband and I are a better match. If I list out things:

 

Husband:

 

Good husband

Good father

Good heart

Nice looking

Successful

Hard working

Faithful (and yes, I know that's a slap in my own face -- but I fully feel like he would not be unfaithful.)

 

AP:

 

Sexy

Great lover

Nice, but insecure and moody at times

Switches jobs often and many times unemployed

Wandering eye -- likes the attention of others -- probably rooted in his insecurities

 

In actuality, I think my AP in a real life relationship may not have been very compatible. He watches wrestling and family guy obsessively and I like to read and watch the news. More joking, but not completely. I simply didn't think our long term prospects were very good and the more it went on I realized how much I do love my husband/family and did not want to end our marriage. Hindsight is 20/20 and all of that.

 

That depends upon what kind of relationship a person has with their spouse. If you are afraid your spouse might get abusive if he found out about your affair, then you should definitely not trigger something like that by telling him.

 

No, he would never be abusive. He would be literally heartbroken. He loves me and the kids more than anything in the world.

 

 

 

I agree with this, there is no point in telling your spouse. If you had made a decision that you wanted to divorce your husband and be with your affair partner that would obviously be a different story.

 

Frankly, what your husband doesn't know, won't hurt him.

 

That's how I feel. I'd rather feel my guilt and carry it with me than hurt him or the children.

[Disintegration]

Well, I see your point, but isn't it a kind of extreme all or nothing attitude?

 

It seems to me that someone could have a marriage that is not 100% satisfactory but yet is not so bad that it requires a divorce.

 

If a woman for example is say sexually/emotionally unfulfilled by her husband, but in other respects he is very a good spouse--i.e. works hard at his job, he's a good provider, respected in the community, a good dad, is not physically or emotionally abusive, etc.--why should the woman pay the penalty of divorce and potentially losing her lifestyle just because her husband is deficient in the sexual/emotional areas? On the other hand, why should the wife be forced to remain sexually/emotionally unfulfilled? That's not fair to her.

 

In that case an affair with someone that she can really love and who can really satisfy her sexually and emotionally makes all the sense in the world. The only person it might not be fair to is the man she is having the affair with, as he only gets a small part of her. On the other hand since he knows she is married to someone else, the affair partner really has no complaint if he has to play "second fiddle."

 

 

I totally understand what you are saying in regards to the cheaters aspect of things, but why not try and communicate to your spouse what is lacking instead of betraying the marriage. That would be the correct thing to do. I don't think it's fair that someone who is a hard worker yet not knowing about their spouses affairs is justified because he might not be giving the attention or meeting needs or expectations physically. Perhaps he's just too tired from actually working to support the adulterer, to even have the drive or energy to become intimate. You have to take the good with the bad. Marriage or any relationship isn't ever 100% or easy. You have to work hard at that. One has to respect the sanctity of marriage, and communication is very essential in any relationship especially marriage. I don't know, I guess I can't sympathize with cheaters or their actions, never have and I'm sure I never will.

[Samantha0905]

Now that I'm thinking on it -- I will admit I felt much more at ease with my AP as far as intimacy is concerned. He's a much better lover, but then again -- he's been single up to 34 years old (his current age) and has a lot more practice with varying sexual partners. I've never felt that at ease feeling with my husband. We waited until we got married to have sex and I simply thought for years I just didn't like sex. I loved sex with my AP -- and felt totally at ease and uninhibited. It was a nice feeling and I had waited a long time to experience it.

[Samantha0905]

I totally understand what you are saying in regards to the cheaters aspect of things, but why not try and communicate to your spouse what is lacking instead of betraying the marriage. That would be the correct thing to do. I don't think it's fair that someone who is a hard worker yet not knowing about their spouses affairs is justified because he might not be giving the attention or meeting needs or expectations physically. Perhaps he's just too tired from actually working to support the adulterer, to even have the drive or energy to become intimate. You have to take the good with the bad. Marriage or any relationship isn't ever 100% or easy. You have to work hard at that. One has to respect the sanctity of marriage, and communication is very essential in any relationship especially marriage. I don't know, I guess I can't sympathize with cheaters or their actions, never have and I'm sure I never will.

 

Well, I agree with you this would have been the honest thing to do. I'll be yelled at for making excuses, but it's pretty difficult to tell someone who adores you I've never really enjoyed having sex with you. When I was younger it was too awkward for me to say as I met him at 14 and married him at 21. As an adult it just became more awkward of a thing to announce as time went by. I wanted to have sex before we got married. I should have insisted. We both went into it virgins and I would NEVER marry someone again without having had sex with them first. Sexual chemistry is important.

[confusedinkansas]

My goodness, if everything I don't tell is a lie by omission -- does that leave me with no privacy or secrets?

 

I was wondering this myself as all of the banter is going on here.

Where do you draw the line for lies?

Some here think that there should be NO secrets in a marriage. None whatsoever.

Yes, perhaps adultry is a big lie. BUT circumstances in marriages do arise. Also, for those of you that say - Well if you're unhappy, why lie. Get the hell out of the relationship. Well SOMETIMES marriages can be "Fixed" or "brought back to square one" so knee jerking & saying get the hell out - MY OPINION - isn't ALWAYS the answer to a marriage/relationship.

- BTW: Samantha, RIGHT ON SISTA! I think you have the right idea here. Your posts remind me a bit of myself & my marriage. I enjoy your posts here.

[zwieback.toast]

Samantha,

 

since the reason you had the affair was that you were never sexually satisfied in your marriage, but your affair partner satisfied that need, now that you've decided to end the affair and stay married, it's imperative that you tell your husband about your affair and WHY you had it.

 

The root cause of your affair was a lack of sexual satisfaction from your husband, which was not really clear from your prior posts in this thread.

 

But it's like I had said--just because the affair is over doesn't mean the marital problems are solved. Presumably, you are still sexually unsatisfied by your husband. That's the problem in your marriage that needs to be solved.

 

Only by telling your husband you had an affair because you were sexually dissatisfied, and that you fully enjoyed sex with your affair partner, can you hope to solve this problem in your marriage. This will force your husband to come to terms with his inability to satisfy you and if he really loves you he will make sure he is better at satisfying you in the future.

 

The reason you need to tell him about the affair is twofold: 1) It will shock your husband into reality; 2) it will prove to him that HE is the problem, not you, because his natural reaction to your telling him you've been sexually unsatisfied would be to try to blame that on some imagined deficiency on your part.

 

However he can't try to blame the marital sex problems on you if he knows that you are fully capable of enjoying sex with someone else.

 

This might bring some pain to your husband at first, obviously. However, the only thing I can say to that is it's a necessary step in improving your marriage, and frankly, he really needs to take responsibility for his part in not being able to sexually satisfy you. That's certainly not your fault and he should not try to blame that on you.

 

This will be difficult for you but the alternative is to remain in a sexually unsatisfying marriage, either remaining faithful and frustrated, or cheating again on your husband.

 

That's a very tough position for you to be in and is not fair to you. I realize you are trying to protect your husband by keeping this from him but you are entitled to your happiness and that certainly includes sexual fulfillment.

[SoulStorm]

I was wondering this myself as all of the banter is going on here.

Where do you draw the line for lies?

Some here think that there should be NO secrets in a marriage. None whatsoever.

Yes, perhaps adultry is a big lie. BUT circumstances in marriages do arise. Also, for those of you that say - Well if you're unhappy, why lie. Get the hell out of the relationship. Well SOMETIMES marriages can be "Fixed" or "brought back to square one" so knee jerking & saying get the hell out - MY OPINION - isn't ALWAYS the answer to a marriage/relationship.

- BTW: Samantha, RIGHT ON SISTA! I think you have the right idea here. Your posts remind me a bit of myself & my marriage. I enjoy your posts here.

 

Quite frankly I am apalled by the both of you and will make a note to never ever again read your posts or respond to them.

 

To cheat on your spouse and glorify in it and not feel remorse or to rob them of a true right to make a decision if cheated on is rooted in selfishness and immorality.It also speaks volumes of your character and respect toward men. JMO

[Hop_prophet]

Well, I agree with you this would have been the honest thing to do. I'll be yelled at for making excuses, but it's pretty difficult to tell someone who adores you I've never really enjoyed having sex with you. When I was younger it was too awkward for me to say as I met him at 14 and married him at 21. As an adult it just became more awkward of a thing to announce as time went by. I wanted to have sex before we got married. I should have insisted. We both went into it virgins and I would NEVER marry someone again without having had sex with them first. Sexual chemistry is important.

 

I agree with this but you respected his decision to wait at the time. That is your mistake and you are making him pay the price for it. How nice that your AP gets to reap all the benefits of your uninhibited passion while your husband who has busted his **s to support and love you for 30 years gets betrayal and lies. I'm sure he would never want to marry someone again who would do that to him but he is not getting the choice. It sounds like you have been lying to him from the beginning. If you had told him about your sex issues then I bet he would have tried harder then ever to please you. I understand the argument if your husband specifically told that he would not want to know but everything else is smoke and mirrors.

 

Every other reason you gave is conflict avoidance. Why would you not want your fully grown children to know? Probably because they would think much less of you for doing this to their father and rightly so. Your relatives? Same thing. And of course you don't want to face the prospect of your husband leaving you.

 

I don't know, I guess I can't sympathize with cheaters or their actions, never have and I'm sure I never will.

 

You put it best. Neither can I.

[Samantha0905]

I was wondering this myself as all of the banter is going on here.

Where do you draw the line for lies?

Some here think that there should be NO secrets in a marriage. None whatsoever.

Yes, perhaps adultry is a big lie. BUT circumstances in marriages do arise. Also, for those of you that say - Well if you're unhappy, why lie. Get the hell out of the relationship. Well SOMETIMES marriages can be "Fixed" or "brought back to square one" so knee jerking & saying get the hell out - MY OPINION - isn't ALWAYS the answer to a marriage/relationship.

- BTW: Samantha, RIGHT ON SISTA! I think you have the right idea here. Your posts remind me a bit of myself & my marriage. I enjoy your posts here.

 

I'm definitely not a 100% open all the time person. I reserve the right to part of myself.

 

Yes, adultery is a big lie. It's not really a planned out thing. It's slowly sneaks up and by the time you break, there's been a lot of it slowly sneaking up on you. I know with me and my AP, it was five months of casual flirting which increased, working out together, etc. He was definitely pouring on the big flirt (as was I) -- and at the same time repeatedly told me he did not believe in having affairs with married women, although he admitted he had one once. The gym time moved forward to meeting at an area where bands came during the summer once a week -- outdoors -- and just hanging out and drinking beer. Then tipsy came -- then kisses. It progressed from there. I moved out before we started sleeping together. I had decided I didn't want to be married anymore. Looking back, I seriously think I was having a major life moment. They happen.

 

I'm 48 and I had read several mid-life type books with women running off to live a year on their own by the sea, or traipsing to several countries, etc. I traipsed across town and moved in to an apartment. It was the first time I ever lived on my own and I can't say that I regret it. I loved my apartment. Okay, I'm rambling.

 

I do think that many times a marriage can survive a major crisis. I know mine will survive this crisis if I work hard and learn to be happy with my blessings.

 

I don't agree with the "dump her," "get a divorce," etc. knee jerk advice either. It's as if people expect a marriage or people to be flawless. It doesn't always work that way. People screw up. People overcome and move on.

 

I knew a couple once who were married, divorced, dated other people for three years, then remarried. They're happy.

 

Oh -- and thanks confusedinkansas. I enjoy your posts also.

[zwieback.toast]

I totally understand what you are saying in regards to the cheaters aspect of things, but why not try and communicate to your spouse what is lacking instead of betraying the marriage. That would be the correct thing to do. I don't think it's fair that someone who is a hard worker yet not knowing about their spouses affairs is justified because he might not be giving the attention or meeting needs or expectations physically. Perhaps he's just too tired from actually working to support the adulterer, to even have the drive or energy to become intimate. You have to take the good with the bad. Marriage or any relationship isn't ever 100% or easy. You have to work hard at that. One has to respect the sanctity of marriage, and communication is very essential in any relationship especially marriage. I don't know, I guess I can't sympathize with cheaters or their actions, never have and I'm sure I never will.

 

 

Obviously perfect communication for problem solving between the spouses is the "ideal." But life isn't always that way.

 

I don't speak for samantha but if you look at her posts in this thread it's obvious she is a very religious person. She met her H while only 14, they married at 21, both virgins and inexperienced.

 

Many people who come from religious backgrounds are raised so that the husband or male in the relationship has the dominance and the authority. She was essentially a "child bride" and I don't think she can be blamed for being non-assertive about a very delicate subject. On the other hand, her husband was just as inexperienced as she was in these matters. So it was like the blind leading the blind.

 

I would certainly not suggest that samantha's husband was in any way abusive and in fact she denies this. However, in some cases it might take a wife many years to even realize that yes, sex is supposed to be fun; and yes, she is entitled to be happy, as opposed to just continuing to suffer silently. She may not have believed it was her place to challenge the assumptions of the marriage or the authority of her husband, even if he was a very nice guy and non-domineering, due to her upbringing and background.

 

I think she is a very sympathetic person actually, it's easy to be judgmental and say what she did is "bad." But I don't think I could even stay married to someone for 30 years or however long it's been, if I was totally incompatible sexually with my spouse. I think Samantha is to be commended for sticking it out as long as she did, and apparently she was completely faithful until her kids were out of the house.

 

It's unfortunate the way things worked out but that's life, the only thing you can do is look forward. That's why I think she should tell her husband, so they can focus on trying to be more sexually compatible and they both will be much happier.

 

I think it's sort of a disservice to her husband to assume he will be so judgmental to her that he will not understand the reason for her affair, I have faith based on samantha's description of him as a good and loving partner that he will react to learning of samantha's affair in a very loving manner.

[Samantha0905]

I agree with this but you respected his decision to wait at the time.

 

I met him at 14, wanted sex at 18 and waited until I was 21. Yes, I made the decision at a very young age. Do you remember how young that is and at least acknowledge how much people change from 14 to 48? Anyway, it proved to be a mistake. We ended up in counseling at 10 years of marriage because this very same hard working man also demanded I go to church EVERY Sunday and told me if I had a glass of wine in front of others it was being a bad witness to them. It was a tad oppressive and not really how he presented himself when he was dating me -- we went to parties a lot and he was much more of a free spirit. Luckily for me, after counseling he changed a lot in that respect. He drinks wine with me now.

 

That is your mistake and you are making him pay the price for it.

 

No, I stopped my having my affair after realizing I had made a terrible choice.

 

How nice that your AP gets to reap all the benefits of your uninhibited passion while your husband who has busted his **s to support and love you for 30 years gets betrayal and lies. I'm sure he would never want to marry someone again who would do that to him but he is not getting the choice.

He could have asked why I moved into an apartment. Why I was unhappy. What was going on? He's made choices also. Yes, it's true he's been a hard worker and a great father. He will admit himself he has communication problems. He says he simply does not like to talk about things. It just isn't who he is. Since I've been home, he says he knows he needs to talk to me more and spend more time with me. I've opened up more to him about why I felt unhappy -- which had nothing to do with the AP.

It sounds like you have been lying to him from the beginning. Well, I certainly don't think at that young of an age -- and a virgin -- most people would sit up and say on their honeymoon, "Gee whiz. I did not like that AT ALL.

If you had told him about your sex issues then I bet he would have tried harder then ever to please you. I understand the argument if your husband specifically told that he would not want to know but everything else is smoke and mirrors. We all have our opinions. In a marriage that has lasted this long, I don't think it's rocket science that sex should last more than five minutes total. I mean the man watches television from 6:00 until 11:00 every weekday night. I'm sure he's seen something to give him a clue.

 

Every other reason you gave is conflict avoidance. Why would you not want your fully grown children to know? Probably because they would think much less of you for doing this to their father and rightly so. Your relatives? Same thing. And of course you don't want to face the prospect of your husband leaving you.

 

Well, I said I wouldn't want to hurt them and I've admitted there's selfish reasons also. There's no need to cause all that pain and change in family dynamics over an affair that has ended. I'm guessing my children didn't tell me every time they smoked weed or cut class either.

 

 

 

 

 

Plus, our marriage isn't just about an affair that has occurred or just about the sex. There are a lot of very nice things -- raising our children, travel, so many years together. I know this section is about infidelity, so that's what the main focus is for discussion here. There's way too many good things about our marriage for it to end over a bad choice on my part. I'm sure my husband has made some bad choices in his lifetime. I'm sure my children have also. None of it negates the 27 years we've been a family -- most of them happy. (I've been saying 33 because we dated six before marriage.)

[Samantha0905]

Obviously perfect communication for problem solving between the spouses is the "ideal." But life isn't always that way.

 

I don't speak for samantha but if you look at her posts in this thread it's obvious she is a very religious person. She met her H while only 14, they married at 21, both virgins and inexperienced.

 

Many people who come from religious backgrounds are raised so that the husband or male in the relationship has the dominance and the authority. She was essentially a "child bride" and I don't think she can be blamed for being non-assertive about a very delicate subject. On the other hand, her husband was just as inexperienced as she was in these matters. So it was like the blind leading the blind.

 

I would certainly not suggest that samantha's husband was in any way abusive and in fact she denies this. However, in some cases it might take a wife many years to even realize that yes, sex is supposed to be fun; and yes, she is entitled to be happy, as opposed to just continuing to suffer silently. She may not have believed it was her place to challenge the assumptions of the marriage or the authority of her husband, even if he was a very nice guy and non-domineering, due to her upbringing and background.

 

I think she is a very sympathetic person actually, it's easy to be judgmental and say what she did is "bad." But I don't think I could even stay married to someone for 30 years or however long it's been, if I was totally incompatible sexually with my spouse. I think Samantha is to be commended for sticking it out as long as she did, and apparently she was completely faithful until her kids were out of the house.

 

It's unfortunate the way things worked out but that's life, the only thing you can do is look forward. That's why I think she should tell her husband, so they can focus on trying to be more sexually compatible and they both will be much happier.

 

I think it's sort of a disservice to her husband to assume he will be so judgmental to her that he will not understand the reason for her affair, I have faith based on samantha's description of him as a good and loving partner that he will react to learning of samantha's affair in a very loving manner.

 

I am a Christian, but not a holy roller type. I try to let others see Jesus in me by how I treat them without bringing up actual religion. I suppose I've brought it up too much here as it seems to irritate people -- but I did not mean it in a self-righteous way. It is a big part of my thinking in respect to what I have done though and so I included it. I never try to judge others because I have beams in my own eye of which I have concern. My husband grew up in a very strict Southern Baptist family and his mom was "hush, hush" about most any topic she thought "should not be discussed." That covered a lot of topics as far as she was concerned. I'm sure that's why my husband has such a difficult time communicating.

 

LOL -- it was like the blind leading the blind. My dad was an artist though -- and I am the youngest of a very large family -- 16 all together. We were a bit more lax and free spirited. I'm sure in retrospect, I would have figured out who I was much more quickly if I had lived on my own for a while as opposed to going straight from being the youngest and taken care of to getting married and being cared for again. I was shy when I was young. I'm not so much now to say the least, but I was a lot when I married. I accepted a lot of things because I thought I was supposed to do certain things whereas now I would most certainly speak up if I did not want to do something.

 

There were all sorts of supposed to's and not supposed to -- simple things like supposed to go to church, not supposed to drink, not supposed to dress provocatively (as per my MIL who felt free to let me know if she thought something I had on was inappropriate), etc. I didn't have that growing up so much. My parents made us behave, but we weren't thought of as "sinful" when we were being bad, we were just told not to do it again. Also, my dad encouraged me to speak. He asked what I thought about things or how I felt. We talked a lot in my house about whatever we felt like discussing. When I went to my in-laws after being married they were so formal compared to my family -- with each other. I always thought it was strange. My MIL is kind of like Bree (sp?) from "Desperate Housewives" would be if she were also a Quaker.

 

She wouldn't even wear a ring her husband gave her because it was better than what her friends could afford. I mean, I love my friends -- but if my husband gives me a pretty ring -- I'll wear it.

 

I do feel like I did a lot (years) of silent suffering as far as intimacy was concerned and that most certainly is not my husband's fault. I don't think I was well equipped to know what to do about it all. I should have spoken up, but didn't know how.

 

I am strongly considering IC. It may help me to be able to open up with my husband about our sex life. I sometimes even feel he may have a physical problem and have always felt awkward about broaching this with him too. Other times, I think I shouldn't bother someone about to turn 50 with such things. I'm 48, but people think I'm in my late 30s as I stay really fit. He's pretty fit too though, so he's a young 49.

 

It was easier with the AP because we met as adults. With my husband and the blind leading the blind thing, it just started out awkward and grew worse.

 

Thanks for your responses. They have helped.

[Samantha0905]

Samantha,

 

since the reason you had the affair was that you were never sexually satisfied in your marriage, but your affair partner satisfied that need, now that you've decided to end the affair and stay married, it's imperative that you tell your husband about your affair and WHY you had it.

 

The root cause of your affair was a lack of sexual satisfaction from your husband, which was not really clear from your prior posts in this thread.

 

But it's like I had said--just because the affair is over doesn't mean the marital problems are solved. Presumably, you are still sexually unsatisfied by your husband. That's the problem in your marriage that needs to be solved.

 

Only by telling your husband you had an affair because you were sexually dissatisfied, and that you fully enjoyed sex with your affair partner, can you hope to solve this problem in your marriage. This will force your husband to come to terms with his inability to satisfy you and if he really loves you he will make sure he is better at satisfying you in the future.

 

The reason you need to tell him about the affair is twofold: 1) It will shock your husband into reality; 2) it will prove to him that HE is the problem, not you, because his natural reaction to your telling him you've been sexually unsatisfied would be to try to blame that on some imagined deficiency on your part.

 

However he can't try to blame the marital sex problems on you if he knows that you are fully capable of enjoying sex with someone else.

 

This might bring some pain to your husband at first, obviously. However, the only thing I can say to that is it's a necessary step in improving your marriage, and frankly, he really needs to take responsibility for his part in not being able to sexually satisfy you. That's certainly not your fault and he should not try to blame that on you.

 

This will be difficult for you but the alternative is to remain in a sexually unsatisfying marriage, either remaining faithful and frustrated, or cheating again on your husband.

 

That's a very tough position for you to be in and is not fair to you. I realize you are trying to protect your husband by keeping this from him but you are entitled to your happiness and that certainly includes sexual fulfillment.

 

Thanks. I may be able to do that after counseling. That's a very difficult thing for me to do.

 

We're not having sex, by the way. When I moved out in June we stopped having sex and haven't had sex since. He seemed very happy when I decided to end my lease at the apartments. My AP protested that decision a lot, but I just felt like I needed to not end a 27 year long marriage. I moved back right before Thanksgiving. We've been out of town a couple of times on trips and I thought he would try to initiate sex, but he has not. I haven't either. I just can't bring myself to do it because it feels like I'll just be moving along doing what I don't want to do and not addressing the problem.

[Skump]

Damn, Sam. Your pathetic husband actually took you back after you "moved out?" That's tragicomic: The poor bastard doesn't realize how his own belief system has totally betrayed him. He's more than just the archetypical clueless beta male. The real kick in the nuts is that his sacrifices have been in service of a non-existant master, and no reward awaits him.

 

You seem a lot more down to earth, though: I think you know the score. It's not like anyone who believed that religious nonsense would actually imperil her eternal soul by ****ing around. You're an atheist, whether you realize it or not (actions always speak louder than words). That's good, because it means I can appeal to you on the basis of plain reason.

 

There's no question that a partner is entitled to sexual satisfaction in his or her relationship - assuming the other partner hasn't been physically handicapped. Frankly, though, from my reading of your story, it seems to me that this was a joint-marital-f*ck-up. Hell, it's not clear to me that your husband's problems aren't partially due to his physical dissatisfaction with you. Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like you've exactly been rocking his world, either.

 

Yet, your husband hasn't (well, so far as we know, right?) been getting any strange on the side. Given that and your antics, he's got to have a mountain of issues with you, which evidently, he's largely repressing.

 

I think achieving greater communication in this relationship isn't just important for your needs, but probably for his as well. Still waters run deep, and you have no way of knowing when he may reach HIS "threshold" and blow, leaving your relationship in bits. His meltdown may not come in the form of an affair. Maybe he'll just dump you. He may be pathetic, but somewhere under the layers of bullsh*t and dogma and maladaptive conditioning, there's a man. You can't assume, for instance, that his failure to initiate sex merely represents depressed resignation or apathy - it may also be a manifestation of massive resentment.

 

Even he never ends your marriage, it seems obvious to me that his dissatisfaction is already poisoning it. Regardless of whether you reveal your affair, I'd urge some haste in dealing with your mutual communication issues. Your husband may be able to relate to your suffering far better than you'd hope, and I don't think you should assume that the choice is yours to deal with this problem at your leisure.

[Samantha0905]

Damn, Sam. Your pathetic husband actually took you back after you "moved out?" That's tragicomic: The poor bastard doesn't realize how his own belief system has totally betrayed him. He's more than just the archetypical clueless beta male. The real kick in the nuts is that his sacrifices have been in service of a non-existant master, and no reward awaits him.

 

Well, you're being rude and he's not pathetic and you are the atheist (not meant as a slur, you just are more or less announcing it.) I am a Christian. Christianity doesn't imply perfection. Christians sin all the time, luckily they are saved by Grace and their souls are not imperiled once saved.

 

I think achieving greater communication in this relationship isn't just important for your needs, but probably for his as well. Still waters run deep, and you have no way of knowing when he may reach HIS "threshold" and blow, leaving your relationship in bits. His meltdown may not come in the form of an affair. Maybe he'll just dump you. He may be pathetic, but somewhere under the layers of bullsh*t and dogma and maladaptive conditioning, there's a man.

 

Well, it's apparent he's a good and strong man -- he has integrity, is a great father, runs a large company and devotes quite a bit of time helping others. He won't leave and I'm pretty intent on salvaging our marriage. He just came home in fact and seems pretty happy to me.

 

If by chance, your prediction does come true and he leaves -- we won't stop breathing or anything. Life goes on and we have to accept what it brings. We'd both be financially fine.

 

You can't assume, for instance, that his failure to initiate sex merely represents depressed resignation or apathy - it may also be a manifestation of massive resentment.

 

Could be. Could be all sorts of things. We've been communicating better and getting along more, so perhaps sex will occur soon. Perhaps not.

 

Regardless of whether you reveal your affair, I'd urge some haste in dealing with your mutual communication issues. Your husband may be able to relate to your suffering far better than you'd hope, and I don't think you should assume that the choice is yours to deal with this problem at your leisure.

 

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind and do appreciate the parts of your advice that didn't declare me to be an athiest or assume my husband is a spineless pathetic dolt.