The last couple of days have been hard....

[Fallen Angel]

Hun,

 

What you are experiencing is NORMAL. You will go through the stages of greif sometimes moving smoothly from one to the next then back again,, before moving forward yet again. It is all part of a natural process.

 

Losing a love relationship is to the heart akin to losing a loved one to death. The grief is every bit as real, and getting through it takes just as much time and patience.

 

Allow yourself the time to grieve. don't beat yourself up for it. You loved someone deeply, and now you are experiencing their loss... if you were to be miraculously "over" it in a short time, i would be more concerned about your mental health. proper griving will lead to proper healing.

 

There are five stages of grief.. they are ...

 

1.) Denial ~ It is often said that the first stage of grief is denial. Whereas you may move back and forth between the other stages (and this one as well) you basically almost always start with this one. It’s the stage of not being able to really admit to yourself what is going on. And while it’s definitely a part of the grief process people go through with death, it’s probably even more integral to the grief process of a relationship ending.

This stage is that stage in a relationship when you kind of know that things aren’t quite right anymore but you don’t want to deal with it.

 

2.) Anger ~ Anger is a stage that we all have to go through if we’re going to process our grief over the loss of our relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of people are really terrified of anger (both their own anger and the anger of others) so they refuse to acknowledge this part of the process. Failure to allow yourself to feel your anger feelings can result in never actually completing the grief process and therefore being unable to move on. So it’s important that we acknowledge our anger over the situation.

 

This anger can be scary but it’s a very real part of the grief process. The important thing is to acknowledge the anger and deal with it in ways that are safe and sane. Don’t be self-destructive. Write it out in journal entries and letters that you don’t send. Work with a counselor. Get anger management therapy if you need it. But don’t repress that anger or it’s just going to come back and bite you later on.

 

3.)Bargaining ~ Another stage of grief that we go through when we experience any loss is bargaining. In the case of a death, we try to bargain with God or whatever greater spirit we believe in to try to make the big problem go away. We may also do this in the case of our relationship ending but there’s also a good chance that we do bargaining with our partner and bargaining with ourselves. This is typically considered to be the third stage of grief but it may come before the anger for a lot of people as they try to move out of their denial and to work things out with their partner.

 

Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse (PARTNER) so that the relationship doesn’t have to end. It’s when you say to your Higher Power that you’ll meditate more often if only you’ll experience enough peace to get through the tough times together.

 

4.)Depression ~ After all of the denial and the anger and the bargaining have been done and we realize that things really are starting to end, we become depressed. We fell helpless and powerless and overwhelmed with sadness about the loss that we are experiencing. We feel like we are never going to meet another person who makes us feel as good as this person did. We feel like we’re never going to be as happy on our own as we were with that person. We feel like things will never be the same and it makes us feel sad.

This is the time that it is most important to make sure that we are taking care of ourselves. We need to get enough rest because this period of the grief process is particularly tiring. We need to eat right, exercise and try to stay healthy. We need to surround ourselves with supportive friends, people who love us and make us feel good about ourselves. And we need to force ourselves to go out and do things that interest us even though this feels like the last thing that we want to do.

Even as we do all this, we need to acknowledge our depression. We need to admit to our emotions. We need to cry. To deal with loss, we have to feel the terrible pangs of sadness that come along with that loss. We need to say to ourselves and to others that we are sad and that we don’t know how long we will be sad but that eventually we won’t be sad anymore. Depression is a powerful emotion but it is only an emotion and it will eventually pass.

 

5.)Acceptance ~ Believe it or not, at the end of all of this, you will eventually reach a day when you have accepted the situation. No matter how many times you passed back and forth between the stages listed above, you will one day find that those stages are finally done. You will think of your ex or even run into him or be friends with her again and you will no longer feel angry or sad. You will no longer be trying to fix things or wishing that things were different or trying to get back what you once had or blaming the other person for things going wrong. You will have accepted that things were the way they were, the situation ended as it did, you grew as a person and it’s all okay. It feels like you will never get to this stage as you go through the trauma of a breakup but eventually, believe it or not, if you’ve dealt properly with the other four stages of grief then you really will get to this one. Hang in there!

 

 

Since I am not a therapist I copied the text about the stages of grief from a website rather than get it wrong. I did edit slightly just for space saving but just click the link to go to the site if you want to read the whole thing. And there are many books available about the grief process and ways to get through it. perhaps one will help you. i know that when I lost my child, taking certain steps outlined in one of the books i was given helped imensely... The bottom line is ... THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And you will come out the other side of this tunnel you are walking in whole, and happy. I promise you. ((HUGS TO YOU, HOPE))

[Hazyhead]

The bottom line is ... THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And you will come out the other side of this tunnel you are walking in whole, and happy. I promise you.

 

I love that saying 'This too shall pass'. I know it's from ancient scrolls or something, but it makes me think of 'Stuck in a Moment' by U2 - he sings that line at the very end; gets me every time

 

(Maybe I should head over to the Songs thread and post that one.

[hopeless4u]

Hun,

 

What you are experiencing is NORMAL. You will go through the stages of greif sometimes moving smoothly from one to the next then back again,, before moving forward yet again. It is all part of a natural process.

 

Losing a love relationship is to the heart akin to losing a loved one to death. The grief is every bit as real, and getting through it takes just as much time and patience.

 

Allow yourself the time to grieve. don't beat yourself up for it. You loved someone deeply, and now you are experiencing their loss... if you were to be miraculously "over" it in a short time, i would be more concerned about your mental health. proper griving will lead to proper healing.

 

There are five stages of grief.. they are ...

 

1.) Denial ~ It is often said that the first stage of grief is denial. Whereas you may move back and forth between the other stages (and this one as well) you basically almost always start with this one. It’s the stage of not being able to really admit to yourself what is going on. And while it’s definitely a part of the grief process people go through with death, it’s probably even more integral to the grief process of a relationship ending.

This stage is that stage in a relationship when you kind of know that things aren’t quite right anymore but you don’t want to deal with it.

 

2.) Anger ~ Anger is a stage that we all have to go through if we’re going to process our grief over the loss of our relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of people are really terrified of anger (both their own anger and the anger of others) so they refuse to acknowledge this part of the process. Failure to allow yourself to feel your anger feelings can result in never actually completing the grief process and therefore being unable to move on. So it’s important that we acknowledge our anger over the situation.

 

This anger can be scary but it’s a very real part of the grief process. The important thing is to acknowledge the anger and deal with it in ways that are safe and sane. Don’t be self-destructive. Write it out in journal entries and letters that you don’t send. Work with a counselor. Get anger management therapy if you need it. But don’t repress that anger or it’s just going to come back and bite you later on.

 

3.)Bargaining ~ Another stage of grief that we go through when we experience any loss is bargaining. In the case of a death, we try to bargain with God or whatever greater spirit we believe in to try to make the big problem go away. We may also do this in the case of our relationship ending but there’s also a good chance that we do bargaining with our partner and bargaining with ourselves. This is typically considered to be the third stage of grief but it may come before the anger for a lot of people as they try to move out of their denial and to work things out with their partner.

 

Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse (PARTNER) so that the relationship doesn’t have to end. It’s when you say to your Higher Power that you’ll meditate more often if only you’ll experience enough peace to get through the tough times together.

 

4.)Depression ~ After all of the denial and the anger and the bargaining have been done and we realize that things really are starting to end, we become depressed. We fell helpless and powerless and overwhelmed with sadness about the loss that we are experiencing. We feel like we are never going to meet another person who makes us feel as good as this person did. We feel like we’re never going to be as happy on our own as we were with that person. We feel like things will never be the same and it makes us feel sad.

This is the time that it is most important to make sure that we are taking care of ourselves. We need to get enough rest because this period of the grief process is particularly tiring. We need to eat right, exercise and try to stay healthy. We need to surround ourselves with supportive friends, people who love us and make us feel good about ourselves. And we need to force ourselves to go out and do things that interest us even though this feels like the last thing that we want to do.

Even as we do all this, we need to acknowledge our depression. We need to admit to our emotions. We need to cry. To deal with loss, we have to feel the terrible pangs of sadness that come along with that loss. We need to say to ourselves and to others that we are sad and that we don’t know how long we will be sad but that eventually we won’t be sad anymore. Depression is a powerful emotion but it is only an emotion and it will eventually pass.

 

5.)Acceptance ~ Believe it or not, at the end of all of this, you will eventually reach a day when you have accepted the situation. No matter how many times you passed back and forth between the stages listed above, you will one day find that those stages are finally done. You will think of your ex or even run into him or be friends with her again and you will no longer feel angry or sad. You will no longer be trying to fix things or wishing that things were different or trying to get back what you once had or blaming the other person for things going wrong. You will have accepted that things were the way they were, the situation ended as it did, you grew as a person and it’s all okay. It feels like you will never get to this stage as you go through the trauma of a breakup but eventually, believe it or not, if you’ve dealt properly with the other four stages of grief then you really will get to this one. Hang in there!

 

 

Since I am not a therapist I copied the text about the stages of grief from a website rather than get it wrong. I did edit slightly just for space saving but just click the link to go to the site if you want to read the whole thing. And there are many books available about the grief process and ways to get through it. perhaps one will help you. i know that when I lost my child, taking certain steps outlined in one of the books i was given helped imensely... The bottom line is ... THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And you will come out the other side of this tunnel you are walking in whole, and happy. I promise you. ((HUGS TO YOU, HOPE))

 

Thanks FA, I'm not in a good place right now but I DO know I'll get there eventually. xx

[Zarah]

I really wish I could give you advice but I am trying to figure out how to handle my emotions too. Just remind yourself that you are going to feel sad, and angry, and depressed but that life will go on because it has to. I really believe everything happens for a reason, if only to teach us something. Don't dwell on it, but don't ignore your feelings either. Eventually you will feel better just keep reminding yourself that this will all pass. ((Hugs))

[pureinheart]

H4U (((((((((((huggs)))))))))))

 

It is so hard....I think you might be going through the withdrawls....it does get better, although in the meantime......

[pureinheart]

Recognize what this is.. This is NOT your heart, it's ego. You DO want him to chase you, a little bit and break NC in that way.. Even though you don't want the A to continue, there's a part of you that enjoyed the chase, the cat and mouse game. Now that it's stopped, that thrill and excitement he brought into your life is gone. Is it possible THAT is what you're missing? Not really 'him' per say?

 

For me, there was a big part of me that wished the truth was not the truth, and that he would miraculously appear saying it was all a mistake. Thinking there might be a sort of denial state in which what is happening isn't.

 

I have had this in many R...not just romantic...infact if someone says something out of line, I don't get it at first because it is hard to believe that is happening, that the individual could be so callous and cruel, that a person could set out to be mean....

 

Now the chase part was another aspect of it...infact it was mainly irritating and pissed me off during the EA.

 

After he became separated and the D was filed, that is when the chase thing was hard to get over, no more phone calls, checking on me, paying attention....blowing up my phone.....lol

 

I just think a person is in shock in the beginning when they realise they are in a bad R, even though the red flags went up prior, it's the actual realisation that is devastating.

 

Oh and WWIU, those cat and mouse games are pathetic, I mean a little bit in the beginning is not uncommon, although once the R has been established it is simply immature.