ladydesigner Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I've deleted EVERYTHING. It's only 2 items, but when we talked a few weeks ago he dismissed even those...saying, "it was only this & this." I told him I liked the stuff he gave me before the A. So he knew exactly what he'd given me, and to give them meant nothing (he said). Yeah, I'll throw them out today. I'm embarrassed for myself. It's a lonely, rainy day & I'm stuck indoors. My family gets back tonight, late, so I'm going to make it through. I can't believe how much this has wiped me out though! I can barely get out of bed, and that's just not me! The weather's not helping. Hang in there. YOU CAN DO IT!!!! One day you will look back and wonder why you wasted so much of YOUR life still thinking about him. This is what makes me the angriest is that I wasted 1.5 years wondering, hoping, depressed, wallowing, jealous, angry... and well now I just don't care anymore. It's amazing how I got to this point just wish it hadn't taken me so long to get here. (((Heather1))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heather1 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 I got out for quite a few hours during the break in the storm. I have the items next to me, ready to go in the trash. I feel stupid staring @ them thinking they mean something & not just giving them the heave ho. I'm not angry at least. I'm really confused about what triggered that in him to be so mean & then suddenly cut ties out of nowhere, when the week before (even 2 days before) he was great to me. I'm confused as to why he was mad and on the offense instead of understanding. I'm also confused about his rules, as in telling me his rules after I've broken them? I told him I loved him once, last year, after he told me quite a few times he was falling for me. Then he got pissed I said it (months later) & said that was a rule. Then this stupid gift thing when he'd ask me what I wanted (not getting me anything) & after my birthday he said he'd do something really nice, that he owed me that, and said he loved it when I got him stuff. I guess this isn't about me is it? I'm sorry I'm not over this yet, it's only been a couple of weeks & I'm really sad. I'm keeping my distance though, and I'm almost at the end of this 3 day weekend. Time to head to the trash bin, but not after I check my email for the millionth time huh? Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 I got out for quite a few hours during the break in the storm. I have the items next to me, ready to go in the trash. I feel stupid staring @ them thinking they mean something & not just giving them the heave ho. I'm not angry at least. I'm really confused about what triggered that in him to be so mean & then suddenly cut ties out of nowhere, when the week before (even 2 days before) he was great to me. I'm confused as to why he was mad and on the offense instead of understanding. I'm also confused about his rules, as in telling me his rules after I've broken them? I told him I loved him once, last year, after he told me quite a few times he was falling for me. Then he got pissed I said it (months later) & said that was a rule. Then this stupid gift thing when he'd ask me what I wanted (not getting me anything) & after my birthday he said he'd do something really nice, that he owed me that, and said he loved it when I got him stuff. I guess this isn't about me is it? I'm sorry I'm not over this yet, it's only been a couple of weeks & I'm really sad. I'm keeping my distance though, and I'm almost at the end of this 3 day weekend. Time to head to the trash bin, but not after I check my email for the millionth time huh? Seriously you do not want to be with a man that gets mad over something that is important to you. He sounds like an a**. But I completely understand the feeling of not being over something yet even when they say things that sting or hurt our feelings. And oh yes do I remember the constant checking of the emails. I used to wonder what was wrong with me and why I was obsessing so much over the email. It was the last form of communication since xOM had ended things with me so of course I was obsessing over that. Being NC now for...wow 6 months now has helped cure that. I can now say that I check my emails for my work and no longer anticipate or even expect to ever see an email from xOM again. Good for you for throwing out the last of the items he gave you. You will miss what is attached to them but one day you will be glad you did it. No more memories!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heather1 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 I want to remember some good memories....probably not good for right now though. The only thing in my mind right now is ?????????? The items are tossed, in a pathetic ritual. I also had a bonfire for my journals before new year. Maybe I was ready to end it then? I sent him a long new years resolution email saying that we were going to be friends & no more sex. That's probably why he was pissed & wanted to beat me to the punch? I'll never know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heather1 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 couple more hours.... BTW, that long email was in Dec., haven't sent him anything except to leave me alone over a week ago. I'm SOOOOO tempted right now!!! I'm totally obsessing & it's awful. I drafted this email asking him not to throw away my gift card because it was for $100. It was for him to go golfing that Friday, and he cancelled. What is wrong w/ me??? I didn't send it. I'm tempted though.....I'm insane! Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 Don't send it. Nothing says it better than silence. You are doing great BTW. Good job on the bonfire. It's going to hurt and it's ok to grieve. Just keep yourself busy so you don't get buried in it. You will probably never have the answers to those questions and later I doubt that you will even care. Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heather1 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 I didn't send it....I don't care what he does w/ it. Thanks for saying I'm doing OK w/ this, I don't feel like it. I labeled one thread "parting gift" so I was setting myself up in a way. But again, I needed to know, and then he beat me to the punch. Nothing worse than bending over backwards for him & his friends & not being appreciated the whole time. I have that problem in all my relationships....I don't realize when I've passed the line of being used. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 I didn't send it....I don't care what he does w/ it. Thanks for saying I'm doing OK w/ this, I don't feel like it. I labeled one thread "parting gift" so I was setting myself up in a way. But again, I needed to know, and then he beat me to the punch. Nothing worse than bending over backwards for him & his friends & not being appreciated the whole time. I have that problem in all my relationships....I don't realize when I've passed the line of being used. You are doing great (((Heather1))) Yay!!! It's a new day for you. No more caring about what he does or thinks...about ANYTHING. Don't beat yourself up for the bolded part. I used to think this as well and then I realized that I have a huge heart and these men just don't get it. I truly believe that if they REALLY were good people there is a more humane way to go about speaking to others and treating others. Forget about him he's a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heather1 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 That is true.... Besides the obvious of having the A in the first place, I've done nothing wrong by him. I wish him the best while his money buffers him from real people. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Just friends don't get someone a $100 gift card. I don't think you want to admit how much he means to you, it wasn't just sex and that you are very hurt. You are trying to figure out what you did, when in reality, it really doesn't matter. I think you want to reach out to him to ask that, but it is really just to say to him "I'm still here waiting for you to use me again". Heather, I don't know the right words, but your posts are just so sad and please excuse this word - pathetic - in how you are willing to do anything (almost) to get him to notice you, to be with you and to want you. Maybe needy is the right word. It wasn't just sex for you. It was more. It was companionship because your marriage is so crappy. It was someone who made you feel wanted, needed, desired. In a year, you will look back and go "what the hell was I doing". He isn't even worthy of your friendship. He doesn't deserve you as a friend. He used you - plain and simple. I have a feeling you will say "that's okay because I used him too" but I think your feelings ran much deeper than maybe you want to admit. The fact that you said you would jump right back into bed with him if he gave you any acknowledgment shows that you aren't seeing how badly he has treated you. Would you ever want your daughter (if you have one) to be treated this way? If not, then why are you willing to accept less? Figure out the home stuff. Either divorce or get some MC for you and your H. Maybe some IC would be good too. I am not saying this to be crappy or mean; but I really think you are willing to settle for any crumb he can throw you to help you feel wanted/desired/sexy. He isn't good enough to carry your groceries -- not that he would since he seems to be able to let you do things for him, but not return the sentiment. I hope you can start to heal soon and realize this guy is a total jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heather1 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 Luckily he doesn't know how pathetic huh? During our EA, he did stuff for me all the time...no questions asked. It's what drew me to him. The first favor he did for me i remember staring at him saying, "No one ever does stuff like this for me." All stopped w/ the physical. Yeah, he was really cold & mean & he doesn't deserve my friendship. Thank you for saying that. As for coming across needy to him, I don't think I did. Only because I really just waited to hear from him & I handled this pathetically here, but I didn't with him. I didn't hardly say anything really. I did really well today, I feel a lot better & I stayed really busy. Oh...& the sex was just because I thought that was great! And yeah, in that regard I do think I was using him too. It's been 2 weeks, so I'm guessing I won't hear from him again. There's no reason I'd even run into him really. But believe me, if he contacts me now that I know he wants super cold, forget it. I'm ok w/ just staying in an A, but I'm not OK with no appreciation whatsoever. Honestly though, I don't feel "love" for him. I did, but he kind of quashed that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heather1 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 I say that knowing he won't get ahold of me. If he did, all I can do at this point is not reply. He won, conquest over. Link to post Share on other sites
her_halo_slipped Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I changed my plans & have the next 3 days @ home by myself. I need to bite the bullet here & leave OM alone. Haven't heard from him, so I'm safe on that side of things. What's weird to me is we wanted the same things.....no divorces, enjoy each other while it lasts, etc.. I know all of you think I'm totally in love w/ him & want "more," but I really don't. Do I love him? Yeah, in a way. Most of it is pure chemistry. Do I see a future together other than what we have now? No, never have. I've always thought of him as a supplement, but I do care for him a lot (or I did?). I guess my big fall was thinking he cared about me too, and I don't do "cold." Hi Heather.Our circumstances are very similar and I struggle too. maybe you could pm me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heather1 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 tough day....don't know why. My car is in the shop, and it's $$$ to get it repaired. Still, my h would rather me spend this then get me a new car (mine is 10 years old). I give up. No word from OM. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Normal life stuff might feel heavier right now. You have to just keep on going. Remain no contact with the OM. You are making it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heather1 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 You're right...I have a lot going on all at once. Just need to get through the withdrawl. Last time I cut ties I went on a trip & was fine. This time with the storms & me being alone a lot, it's a lot harder. I'm glad he hasn't tried to contact me, it gives me some time to really detach & get over this. It's impossible w/ him getting ahold of me, I can't ever think straight. Not like I'm thinking straight now, but at least I can grieve for a little while & not be at his call. I'm not strong enough to hear from him right now. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I'm glad he hasn't tried to contact me, it gives me some time to really detach & get over this. It's impossible w/ him getting ahold of me, I can't ever think straight. Not like I'm thinking straight now, but at least I can grieve for a little while & not be at his call. I'm not strong enough to hear from him right now. You have hit the nail on the head. I wasn't able to move on with my life until I finally went NC and stayed NC. I can now say that I am very strong and that if my xOM were to contact me I would not respond. Hopefully (and I know you probably do not want to hear this) he will not contact you and you can move forward and clear your thoughts. After that time if he does contact you...tell him you are working on yourself and not to contact you anymore. Take YOUR power back. BTW you are doing great just know that you will get past this and you will get over him. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I hope you know I didn't mean to hurt your feelings; that was NOT my intent and if I did, I am sorry. Now, about the car..... why don't YOU buy yourself a new car? Why do you need your H to or why would you want him to knowing your M is over (hug) Hope your car is all fixed though and stay strong!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heather1 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Share Posted January 21, 2010 I'm OK My car is fixed!! I'm going to take the day tomorrow & stay away from my phone & online so I can have a day "vacation." How else was this going to end? I mean really??? This is still better than a dday where he throws me under the bus & everyone points the finger @ me. I'm not a bad person, I would have never wanted our families hurt by this & I didn't want "more." Still, this was going to end somehow & this isn't the worst way. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Nothing worse than bending over backwards for him & his friends & not being appreciated the whole time. I have that problem in all my relationships....I don't realize when I've passed the line of being used. I totally understand, and ya we need to draw the lines, I had to because "my friend" can be sooooooo cheap and I am a giver and he is the one with the money per sey.... Please don't let this person change the nice person/giver that you are...there are tons of nice people out there that appreciate a person like you! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I'm OK My car is fixed!! I'm going to take the day tomorrow & stay away from my phone & online so I can have a day "vacation." How else was this going to end? I mean really??? This is still better than a dday where he throws me under the bus & everyone points the finger @ me. I'm not a bad person, I would have never wanted our families hurt by this & I didn't want "more." Still, this was going to end somehow & this isn't the worst way. Glad you are ok....and the "bold" portion...amazing how that works, isn't it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heather1 Posted January 22, 2010 Author Share Posted January 22, 2010 I'm finally realizing he's not going to call.... I left my phone off most of the day, and hadn't checked my email for over 12 hours. I've been doing stuff the last few days like getting my hair & nails done, got a facial today. I'm still really dragging along, but putting one foot in front of the other & faking it through my days. Turning off my phone (& the email) REALLY helped!! I was bummed to not see his name the two times I checked my email, instead of the million times I check a day. I'm not a stalker, I've left him alone. I just can't believe he cut ties from me only saying I was hurt. You're right, most of the time being nice serves me well. Thanks for all your comments, they've really helped. Link to post Share on other sites
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