first post. my story.

[overmyhead]

i think the thing that stands out the most to me is that he said he / they didnt want to know. in my mind that was making a choice to exclude this child from their life. im not going to force this baby on him. i didnt intend to have a baby with him, he didnt want a baby with me.

 

i feel like "you didnt want anything to do with the baby until you had to pay money" sort of thing. it seems he'll hide this secret until hes forced not to....so why in the world should he then get to be a part of my sweet baby's life?

 

and i dont know what type of person his wife would be to my child. honestly, i dont want her raising my baby. i didnt have this child with her. and although a wonderful mother to her own child, i can see where it may be hard to face something like the OW's child that your husband made out of the affair.

 

(it just sounds so sick even typing this)

 

i'm also a bit frustrated that the was equally involved in creating this child, but can also pretend this part of his life doesnt exist.

 

thank you everyone for helping work through this. it is helping.

 

like i said i would gladly keep it to myself and never tell. the problem is that a huge part of me thinks its morally wrong to do so. maybe i should just sit and wait and see if he comes to me to seek the answer.

[lkjh]

What are you gonna do raise your child one way and then when the MM comes around 13 years down the road tell the kid that everything they know and understand is a lie.

[fooled once]

First of all - for YOUR child, you MUST seek child support.

 

Also seek full, sole custody.

 

Many judges will order visitation, but visitation is a right, not a requirement. There are plenty of men who had children with their wives, divorced and now have little to do with their child (like my situation). My ex chose to NOT take his visitation and I couldn't "force" him to even if I wanted to.

 

Many judges also understand that the first year of a baby's life, the mother is the main provider (especially if breast feeding). Many judges only 'order' a couple of hours of visitation for the first year (a couple hours on Saturday) - but not overnights.

 

The wife is probably telling him "If you are going to pay for this child, you are going to get visitation". Sad, but true. I have belonged to a step parenting website for years and there are MANY vengeful, bitter stepmom's who only want to stick it to the biomom's and make their lives miserable because they dared to have children with me. It is pretty pathetic actually.

 

That child will always be YOUR child. YOU will be the child's ONLY mom.

 

As for all children are entitled to know their parents, I disagree. I have a niece and nephew who are adopted. Right now, while they are under 18, they are not entitled to know the parents who voluntarily gave them up. IF, after they are 18, they CHOOSE to seek them out, that is their choice. But my brother is under NO obligation to let the biological parents see these kids NOR even tell them (they are very young) who their biological parents are.

 

YOU need to do what is best for your child and part of that is ensuring their financial future. Take that child support and put it in a bank account for them. The MM is legally required to support his child unless he terminates his parental rights.

 

He may not want to know, but that isn't his decision. HE made a child with you. Each time a person has unprotected sex, there is a possibility of a child.

 

Sucks to be him, but if you play with fire, you can get burned. He has to OWN his mistakes, just as you do.

 

The child may have been a surprise, but NO child is a mistake, in my view.

 

Forgive yourself for your mistake, but also realize what a blessing you have because of that mistake. Love yourself and love your child (I know you love your child).

 

Don't worry about your place as the MOM being taken over by his wife; won't happen.

 

Good luck.

 

Also - if your H willing to raise the child as his own? Are you and he still together?

[overmyhead]

a couple of things...

 

i would love for him to be part of the child's life. (im not saying the sex here because i fear mm or the wife could read this). he does know the baby. actually, was quite close to both of us until dday. he asks for pictures, tells me how much he thinks about it, honestly truly seems bothered by it. as someone mentioned before, i see him coming around later down the line saying he just needs to know and be a part of this baby's life.

 

i agree with what everyone says regarding the money. im struggling with my H gone (although he still sees both of my children). MM is very secure with his finances, he could provide for the baby. but im not sure how to go about asking for this without appearing to be after his money. so honestly i'm afraid to bring up support because i dont know how without looking like its all i'm after. i would rather scrape by then have someone think i'm looking for a paycheck.

 

i also dont want to be accused of getting pregnant to keep him or what not. in fact i never wanted to keep him forever. this wasnt a forever type of affair. and i truly didnt want to be pregnant by him. it was a blessing though, im more in love than i've ever been. aside from my first child, this is the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

it just hurts. it hurts so much that this man could be so selfish and also his W could be so selfish to want to try to "ignore" my baby. excuse me, not my baby, OUR baby. its like they dont want to be inconvenienced or have this marriage suffer because of this sweet little person. i find that offensive, its painful to hear. i want to protect my baby. i dont ever want he/she to know that their father chose to not be a part of their life.

Edited January 16, 2010 by overmyhead

[eeyore1981]

a couple of things...

 

i would love for him to be part of the child's life. (im not saying the sex here because i fear mm or the wife could read this). he does know the baby. actually, was quite close to both of us until dday. he asks for pictures, tells me how much he thinks about it, honestly truly seems bothered by it. as someone mentioned before, i see him coming around later down the line saying he just needs to know and be a part of this baby's life.

 

i agree with what everyone says regarding the money. im struggling with my H gone (although he still sees both of my children). MM is very secure with his finances, he could provide for the baby. but im not sure how to go about asking for this without appearing to be after his money. so honestly i'm afraid to bring up support because i dont know how without looking like its all i'm after. i would rather scrape by then have someone think i'm looking for a paycheck.

 

i also dont want to be accused of getting pregnant to keep him or what not. in fact i never wanted to keep him forever. this wasnt a forever type of affair. and i truly didnt want to be pregnant by him. it was a blessing though, im more in love than i've ever been. aside from my first child, this is the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

it just hurts. it hurts so much that this man could be so selfish and also his W could be so selfish to want to try to "ignore" my baby. excuse me, not my baby, OUR baby. its like they dont want to be inconvenienced or have this marriage suffer because of this sweet little person. i find that offensive, its painful to hear. i want to protect my baby. i dont ever want he/she to know that their father chose to not be a part of their life.

 

BBM

 

And this is where you lost me. His W didn't make this bed, you and he did. Behind her back, I might add, and now you consider her selfish...

Good luck.

[Fallen Angel]

I just want to say that child support is just that, CHILD support. It is not MOTHER support. It is not YOUR RIGHT, it is your CHILD'S RIGHT to be financially supported by BOTH parents. By not requesting, DEMANDING support for your child, you are giving that child less than what they deserve.

 

I know first hand how hard it is financially to support children without financial support. It is easy to say "we have what we need", but when your child has to be told no all the time about things they want to do, because you simply do not have the money to pay for it, you will see.

 

Wait until they are in school, and want that new pair of shoes that 'everyone else' has, and you can not affaord them. Or that class trip that costs $300 and you only have half. The movies they go to in large groups that your child has to make excuses to miss, because you don't have the spare twenty five bucks. The $75 dollar year books, you never buy. The prom they miss, the car they do NOT get for their 16th birthday.

 

And do not think for a moment that there will not be a day when your a$$clown MM finally grows the hell up and realizes that he has lost out on his child. He will show up and YOU will be considered the enemy of your child. Your MM will blame you for having never told him, and your child in the 'sunshine and lolipops' stage having just found out that there is a father who "wanted them all along and was cruelly left out of their life" will put all the blame at your feet. And your Mm will be like the great white knight, and you the evil dragon having kept the child secreted away from their loving father all those years. I have seen it. I assure you it happens.

 

It happened to my sister, with her own son. It was not an MM situation, but her son with her first husband. After the split when the child was very young, she met and married a man who claimed fatherhood, when my nephew was 18 and his real father came back on the scene, my nephew hated my sister, and the man who had raised him as his own all those years. Because he felt he had been decieved, and his biological father blamed my sister for their years of separation. It wasn't true, my former bro-in-law walked away, but no one could convince my nephew of the truth. Now, in his eyes his bio-father walks on water, and the people who worked and gave so much to raise him are in his eyes worthless.

 

Think hard about the consequences of your decisions today, for they will have to be dealt with again in the future.

[dzzz]

how old is the baby?

[bdawn]

I agree with the poster here that you should watch the wife. She will try to insinuate herself into your child's life, and then make material gestures to that child (gifts, outings, etc), and before you know it, you will have more anxiety about whose influences, whose parenting, the child is receiving.

 

This statement above is so off base and so childish. Have you ever heard of the saying that it takes a villiage to raise a child? If the MM and his W can add emotional and material support to you and your child, what is so wrong about that? Look, many years ago I was a teenage single parent and when my kids were little we lived in poverty. Kids dad was sort of in and out of their lives, sometimes helpful but mostly not. I was so thankful (then and now) for the help of my family. Not so much financially but emotionally yes. My parents and my step grandmother did a lot for my kids. Yes we would fight and butt heads sometimes over what was best and sometimes I did feel that my family undermined me and sometimes I was right and sometimes I wasn't. But now my kids are grown and looking back at the big picture I can say that those extended relationships were true blessings in my childrens lives. I could be pretty immature in those days but thankfully I never was so childish and immature as to hinder my kids relationships with their family and father, no matter what my personal feelings were.

 

So they said they didn't want to know the results. At least that's what MM told you, but maybe that's how he feels and his W didn't say that at all. But even if they did day it, so what? People will say that about anything in their lives that may change their plans and take them into the new and unknown. Doesn't mean that the new and unknown can't become good and positive. You don't have a right to deny the father of your child a relationship with him/her and you don't have a right to deny your child additional financial and emotional support. Even if their involvement is limited, it's still better to handle the situation openly and honestly from the start.

[overmyhead]

eeyore. i apologize if i said something offensive. you have to also understand that this is a very painful situation for me. ive thought and thought and thought about why he/she/they wouldnt want to know. the only conclusion i can come up with is that they dont want it to affect their marriage - and so to me i do view this as selfish. sort of like "pretend its not there and it will go away."

 

dzzz. the baby is 12 months.

 

bdawn. he has told me privately that he wanted to know. not in those exact words, but that hes very troubled by it. hes also said that the initial answers were written with his wife, together. so i'm not sure who feels what way. i find it would be hard for him to admit to her that he wants to be part of this childs life. hes still in the phase of lying to her enough to keep her from leaving.

 

i dont want it to seem like im hiding it from him. he knows the results will come out in my divorce. he knows the child has been tested. he also knows he could easily find out the results if he wanted to know them. he hasnt tried to find the answer. so im wondering if its wrong of me to sit back and let him come to me. i dont want to force this child on him. if he wants to know then i will tell him.

 

i guess the question is am i wrong for not approaching him with this information?

 

i'm really having a hard time with this. especially after the post about kissing owies and buying gifts and having someone else tuck my child into bed at night. it just hurts.

Edited January 16, 2010 by overmyhead

[Brightmoon]

heres why i feel the way i do.

 

i asked if he wanted to know. the response was NO.

i asked if she wanted to know. the response was NO.

 

he told me he was afraid of what she might do if the baby was his and that "she might make him have visitation."

 

sounds to me like he doesnt want visitation. that it would be a means for her to get back at me for what i've done.

 

i also cant get over the intitial response that he didnt want to know, that he hasnt been a part of my baby's life so far, that he would have told her initially if he wanted to know. he chose to hide it. and now together they are choosing to hide it while reconciling their marriage.

 

ive heard people ask him how many kids he has and he responds "one." and for all they know i might not have enough money to care for this baby. but they go to their social functions and their own childs events looking like great parents while hiding this big secret.

 

so yes, to make all of these choices and then say a year later that they want visitation is offensive to me. i question the motives.

 

You have to get over what issues you have about him rejecting you and the baby. She needs to be part of his life....in whatever way.. the truth needs to be acknowledged by the pair of them. As hard as it is for you. or offencive or unpalatable... you owe it to your daughter. She will thank you for it one day.

[scatterd]

YOU SAID YOU DID NOT WANT HIM TO THINK YOU JUST WANT HIS MONEY.HE KNEW WHAT COULD HAPPEN WHEN HE DID THE DEED.THEY MAY WANT TO FORGET BUT DONT LET THEM.i FEEL FOR HIS WIFE AND YOU BUT A REAL BABY NEEDS YOU TO STAND UP FOR HE OR SHE.YOU WILL FIND BABYS HAVE ALOT OF NEEDS AND THEY COST.BUT THEY ARE ALSO A JOY AND WILL BE THE ONE THAT KEEPS YOU GOING.YOU MAY HAVE HAD NO INTENTION OF THIS HAPPENING BUT IT DID.SO DO WHATS BEST FOR THE BABY AND YOU MAKE IT RIGHT.GOOD LUCK HUGS:D

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Why are you willing to keep this secret for him? This is crazy. In my Affair i have kept many, many secrets. I understand, really, I do. But wouldnt your baby have a better life with more financial support?

 

What does this man do for a living? Is he financially secure? Why feel the need to protect him so much?

 

I just dont get it. Why not think of your baby first????

[Fallen Angel]

More offensive than you sleeping with her husband?

 

Sometimes, I wonder if these mistresses, cheaters, etc. have conscience.

 

YES, denying a child that you helped bring into the world is more offensive than a woman having sexual contact with a FULL GROWN MAN CAPABLE OF LIVING UP TO HIS MARRIAGE VOWS BUT CHOOSES NOT TO!!! YES, that is MUCH more offensive!

[Fallen Angel]

Listen to yourself. More selfish then when you were having sex with her husband? More selfish than you sleeping with another man behind your husband's back?

 

You need to heal yourself and learn from your awful choices. You can't blame what his wife does after what you have done to her marriage. In addition, you should be grateful that your husband is not nasty to you as you deserve.

 

Of course, what should happen is we should all drag her naked out into the street and throw stones at her, for accepting the love of a man who offered it freely.. THAT is how she DESERVES to be treated.. UGH.. lmao... i find your posts extremely offensive and judgmental, and when you show me that God has given you the power of judgment, then maybe I would be willing to see things your way, until then, you really have a twisted way of seeing the world if you honestly think that her having sex with a willing partner is worse than a parent abandoning their child.

[Fallen Angel]

Two words for you: cause and effect.

 

You wouldn't blame the people who imprisoned a thief, would you? You should look at what the thief has done first to cause the imprisonment.

 

Cause ~ Some guy who made a vow to be faithful to his wife LIED, he decided for whatever reason that he didn't want to anymore, and chose to have sex with someone else.

 

Effect ~ That someone else he willingly chose to have sex with got pregnant. (oh wait, he could have used condoms, and chose not to.. let us not forget that, or better yet, he could have chosen to keep his penis safely away from anyone who was not his wife, but again he chose differnetly)

 

Cause ~ This married guy is a complete a$$clown and doesn't want to take the responsibility for the child he created.

 

Effect ~ OP should drag his a$$clown self, kicking and screaming to the nearest courthouse, where he will be tested for paternity and then child support will be ordered so that the baby he created can have the life it deserves.

[overmyhead]

well. i learned over the last few days that this is indeed, no secret. people who know the both of us and have suspected the A for some time have also suspected the child was his. in fact, almost everyone thinks the baby is his due to the resemblance.

 

im pretty much in shock as i thought this was all a secret. i guess i do need to address this but im afraid to.