am i a mamas boy? wth??

[whoawhoawhoa]

Sorry - do you mean that you and your mom have been living apart from each other for the last 14 years?

 

If so, how did you manage to "leave behind" your mom when you moved out at 18? During this time, how have you managed to maintain contact with her, look out for her, and feel satisfied that she hadn't died in the night...and why can't you just keep doing that after you're married?

 

As someone's mentioned, 58 is NOT that old. Most in her age group have tended to expect that they'd still be working for a few more years past 58. So I'm really not getting it: How is it that, after 14 years, your mom being on her own has now become an apparently major concern of yours? (It wouldn't be from any ideas that it's actually your wife who'd have the day-today job of looking after your mom...would it?)

 

I get that there's something I'm not getting...sorry for my confusion

 

 

that's exaclty why,cause she never remaried and you don't know how much she have struggle all her life taking care of my grandma,there's no one but me to look out for her,yeah 58 is not that old,but now she's starting to have health problems and she lives in a dangerous place and working 12 hrs shifts at night and everthing,i mean,i would love to get married and have my mom close,but i can't cause fianancially i can't,and i'm afraid that something happen to her now that she's getting old,you know,and why can a person accept and appreciate another person being compasionate towards their parents,i would if it wouldve been the case of my fiance,you know.

[Lauriebell82]

that's exaclty why,cause she never remaried and you don't know how much she have struggle all her life taking care of my grandma,there's no one but me to look out for her,yeah 58 is not that old,but now she's starting to have health problems and she lives in a dangerous place and working 12 hrs shifts at night and everthing,i mean,i would love to get married and have my mom close,but i can't cause fianancially i can't,and i'm afraid that something happen to her now that she's getting old,you know,and why can a person accept and appreciate another person being compasionate towards their parents,i would if it wouldve been the case of my fiance,you know.

 

Well, isn't she going to be eligible to retire soon? Won't she get a pension? That will at least help with the finances so she can move closer.

 

I think the guest apartment is a good idea, that way she can have her own seperate living quarters.

[whoawhoawhoa]

Well, isn't she going to be eligible to retire soon? Won't she get a pension? That will at least help with the finances so she can move closer.

 

I think the guest apartment is a good idea, that way she can have her own seperate living quarters.

 

Hopefully,if she gets it at 62 will receive much less than if she gets it at 65,and if it wasn't for the far she lives and the hard job that she have for her age i wouldn't want her to live in a MIL apt,you know,but unfortunate is not like that,my fiance don't understand cause she have her both parents together and always lived with them,i know,she have put me a time frame of 2 years then she could move,but i'm afraid that she's just jealous cause i'm always looking out for my mum cause shes alone 4k miles away,you know,and i wouldn't be jealous of my parents love whatsoever,i mean,i think is completely wrong and imature to feel like that,i mean,i wouldn't mind help my love take care of her parents if that'll be her situation,period,i think she's being unfair and i hate to have to choose:(

[stillafool]

Yeah, I agree with this to a certain extent.

 

I agree with Ronni that you might unconsciously (or consciously!) want her to move in after marriage so your fiance can care for her while you are working. Maybe part of your fiance's hesistation is that SHE might be under this assumption as well.

 

 

This is a concern. Do you expect your fiance to take care of your mom if your mom gets sick? It will fall in her hands if she is a "stay at home mom". She will end of taking care of the kids and your mom. Do you think this is fair?

[Lauriebell82]

Hopefully,if she gets it at 62 will receive much less than if she gets it at 65,and if it wasn't for the far she lives and the hard job that she have for her age i wouldn't want her to live in a MIL apt,you know,but unfortunate is not like that,my fiance don't understand cause she have her both parents together and always lived with them,i know,she have put me a time frame of 2 years then she could move,but i'm afraid that she's just jealous cause i'm always looking out for my mum cause shes alone 4k miles away,you know,and i wouldn't be jealous of my parents love whatsoever,i mean,i think is completely wrong and imature to feel like that,i mean,i wouldn't mind help my love take care of her parents if that'll be her situation,period,i think she's being unfair and i hate to have to choose:(

 

Well, it could go the other way that SHE doesn't understand the strong desire to have your mother move in and take up your lives. Have you asked her why exactly she is objective to this? I still think it is because she is afraid the burden may fall on her to care for your mother in addition to children. It's not really YOU who will end up caring for her mother, it will be her. This could cause problems later on.

 

I realize you are thinking about how much you love your mother, but please think about the other factors that may come into play here. Why wouldn't you want her to live in a MIL apartment? She'd be in the same vicinity as you so you can keep an eye on her and make sure she is doing alright. She could still relax and all. It seems to me that you are just as unwilling to compromise as your fiance is...

[hoping2heal]

Yes Lauriebell she lives by herself far from me,she works still,but that's the problem i don't know how much longer she would continue with her high demanding job,(she is a nurse) and she's getting old,you know,i mean,i do really understand my fiance's position,but i'm in a middle of a situation that i don't wish it to even my biggest enemy,sighs:confused: i really thank you all,even tho i don't know ya'i wish u all the best and godbless ya,i'll try to resolve this situation and will keep ya inform,and whatever the outcome i will try to enlighten others like you all are doing with me,thanks!

 

 

Here is the thing, your mother is active enough to be a nurse? She should be able to take care of yourself. It may very well be true that she won't be able to keep up the demands of her job much longer, she may have to find herself a different job. I guess what's screwed up to me is; your mom I'm not saying is a bad person; but she works and if she is alone that is her choice. Now, CERTAINLY if your mother was disabled or handicapped and there were no resources available for her to have a personal care assistant, or a home health aide assist her; yes I can see why it would be so important for her to come live with you right now.

 

However, right now your mother is independent and if she is wearing herself out; it's HER not YOUR responsibility to take alternative measures to fix that. If she is as alone as you say she is; again her choice to not have relationships or friendships. It's not your job to come in there after her and re arrange her life.

[tinktronik]

that's exaclty why,cause she never remaried and you don't know how much she have struggle all her life taking care of my grandma,there's no one but me to look out for her,yeah 58 is not that old,but now she's starting to have health problems and she lives in a dangerous place and working 12 hrs shifts at night and everthing,i mean,i would love to get married and have my mom close,but i can't cause fianancially i can't,and i'm afraid that something happen to her now that she's getting old,you know,and why can a person accept and appreciate another person being compasionate towards their parents,i would if it wouldve been the case of my fiance,you know.

 

OP you do sound like a momma's boy... One who's mother has run a guilt trip on him for all she had to endure, fight and how much she had to give to be your mother, how tired she is, ect. At 58 there is no reason why your mother has been unable to make a circle of friends or acquaintances, except if she has so filled her life with her ONLY son and all she had to give up to raise him....

 

This sounds a lot like a martyr mother to me and a guilted momma's boy.

 

Your fiance is being very reasonable asking for a couple of years alone to solidify your relationship as a married couple, get into the groove of being married and become comfortable together as a team before you add a third person into that relationship that has established patterns already set with the man who is to be her husband.

 

If you cannot value the woman to be your solid partner for life and mother to your children above other commitments to your mother and manage some other satisfactory situation do not marry your fiance. You will end up in a tug of war between them.

[norajane]

Why wouldn't you want her to live in a MIL apartment? She'd be in the same vicinity as you so you can keep an eye on her and make sure she is doing alright. She could still relax and all. It seems to me that you are just as unwilling to compromise as your fiance is...

 

He's saying he'd prefer if his mother could live nearby in her own house rather than in a MIL apartment, but he cannot swing this financially.

 

He has already suggested to his fiancee that they get a place with a MIL apartment so they'd have their privacy and mom would have hers but still be nearby.

[whoawhoawhoa]

This is a concern. Do you expect your fiance to take care of your mom if your mom gets sick? It will fall in her hands if she is a "stay at home mom". She will end of taking care of the kids and your mom. Do you think this is fair?

 

 

my fiance would not be a stay home mom,i can't aford that,i wish,my mum would help us a lot,you know,and i would not let my fiance take the responsablity to take care of my mom,that's my responability

[whoawhoawhoa]

OP you do sound like a momma's boy... One who's mother has run a guilt trip on him for all she had to endure, fight and how much she had to give to be your mother, how tired she is, ect. At 58 there is no reason why your mother has been unable to make a circle of friends or acquaintances, except if she has so filled her life with her ONLY son and all she had to give up to raise him....

 

This sounds a lot like a martyr mother to me and a guilted momma's boy.

 

Your fiance is being very reasonable asking for a couple of years alone to solidify your relationship as a married couple, get into the groove of being married and become comfortable together as a team before you add a third person into that relationship that has established patterns already set with the man who is to be her husband.

 

If you cannot value the woman to be your solid partner for life and mother to your children above other commitments to your mother and manage some other satisfactory situation do not marry your fiance. You will end up in a tug of war between them.

 

 

i do value my woman,only if she and people understand that when 1 of your parents don't have anybody else and lives thousands of miles away,i don't think is fair to leave em for a woman or a men,i think that there could be a happy medium,you know,cause i would support my wife 100% on everything,you know, i mean,isn't supporting somedody an expresion of love? everything is base on the eye of the beholder...that's the problem,that's why the world is the way it is,no consideration whatsoever,sighs

[tinktronik]

i do value my woman,only if she and people understand that when 1 of your parents don't have anybody else and lives thousands of miles away,i don't think is fair to leave em for a woman or a men,i think that there could be a happy medium,you know,cause i would support my wife 100% on everything,you know, i mean,isn't supporting somedody an expresion of love? everything is base on the eye of the beholder...that's the problem,that's why the world is the way it is,no consideration whatsoever,sighs

 

This has already turned into choosing one over the other.... You want your fiance to support you in your decision [to show you love] but when she gave you a 2 year marker you are insistent that she is the one who is selfish....

[tinktronik]

i do value my woman,only if she and people understand that when 1 of your parents don't have anybody else and lives thousands of miles away,i don't think is fair to leave em for a woman or a men,i think that there could be a happy medium,you know,cause i would support my wife 100% on everything,you know, i mean,isn't supporting somedody an expresion of love? everything is base on the eye of the beholder...that's the problem,that's why the world is the way it is,no consideration whatsoever,sighs

 

This has already turned into choosing one over the other.... You want your fiance to support you in your decision [to show you love] but when she gave you a 2 year marker you are insistent that she is the one who is selfish....

[whoawhoawhoa]

He's saying he'd prefer if his mother could live nearby in her own house rather than in a MIL apartment, but he cannot swing this financially.

 

He has already suggested to his fiancee that they get a place with a MIL apartment so they'd have their privacy and mom would have hers but still be nearby.

 

 

thanks norjane,i couldn't put it better,all i wanted is some perspective impartial on the issue,cause what you just said,i don't think is unfair and would do it for my woman hands down without a doubt,cause i will be a father one day and would want that my sons leave me behind IF they can look out for me,that's being greatfull and that's the missing link,the 11 comandment,thanks for all the inputs on the issue,i really appreciate it

[melodymatters]

I keep coming back to the same issue, unless you live in Manhatten or San fran,( and maybe even then) there is NO reason your mom can't get a small apartment, or a roomate situation, and work in a less high stress area of nursing !

 

Thats one of the beauties of the job is that there is so much variety : don't tell me 12 hour night shifts are the only thing she can find !

 

I do think you aren't even looking for a happy medium here, so are you looking for a reason to push away from your fiance instead ?

[whoawhoawhoa]

This has already turned into choosing one over the other.... You want your fiance to support you in your decision [to show you love] but when she gave you a 2 year marker you are insistent that she is the one who is selfish....

 

i agree on that,i think is fair,but i dont think that my mum would be a bad company,the thing is that she far away and alone,she have no other children or fam to look out for her,i just move to where i am right now 4 years ago,you know,and she is getting old and with health problems and i don't want that something happen to her,you know,when i know that theres alternatives like a mil apt,i mean,i would do it hands down for my woman if i have to,you know

[tinktronik]

i agree on that,i think is fair,but i dont think that my mum would be a bad company,the thing is that she far away and alone,she have no other children or fam to look out for her,i just move to where i am right now 4 years ago,you know,and she is getting old and with health problems and i don't want that something happen to her,you know,when i know that theres alternatives like a mil apt,i mean,i would do it hands down for my woman if i have to,you know

 

You've put your fiance into a sitch where to make you happy she needs to do what will make you happy but leave herself unsatisfied. That is selfish love. And it does not take the relationship as an entity into consideration.

[hoping2heal]

i do value my woman,only if she and people understand that when 1 of your parents don't have anybody else and lives thousands of miles away,i don't think is fair to leave em for a woman or a men,i think that there could be a happy medium,you know,cause i would support my wife 100% on everything,you know, i mean,isn't supporting somedody an expresion of love? everything is base on the eye of the beholder...that's the problem,that's why the world is the way it is,no consideration whatsoever,sighs

 

OP, this may sound tough but Parents are supposed to raise their children, children are not suppose to raise their parents. I know what I am talking about, I used to have ALL the exact same feelings about my mother. I love my Mom, but she groomed me since I was a kid and she got divorced to be a replacement companion for the husband she didn't have. She was never in love with my father and she chose to leave but I know it was still hard on her to raise us without his help. At one point I was living next door in a seperate apt. and working double shifts so I could pay her bills AND mine.

 

At that time to her defense; she really was in need of assistance so that is okay, that is different. She still needs some assitance and I do help her with that, but I will be going off and starting my own life now with my husband. I love my mom but she has guilted and manipulated me left and right, a lot of the things I do for her now she could do for herself. She COULD have friends, or a man in her life; men do want to take her out but she turns them down.

 

She can't stand that I am happy and in love now because it means I'm going to go on to have a life and she can't control me any longer. She's so used to me being there, and I know she doesn't intend any harm, but the dynamic has been harmful to us both. Now here I am, ready to go out on my own and she has chosen to isolate herself for many years.

 

I don't take fault for that, I have spent the last year coming to realise how unhealthy being my mother's parent/ghost spouse and I don't buy into this crap anymore. Even my mom, could get friends, could date, and could do a lot on her own with some limited assistance (which she is approved for PCA hours). She wants to put it on me like "how could you leave me." But you know what? I'm supposed to leave her. I'm supposed to have a husband and children if that's what I want. She has made all her own choices in life and I can only hope my departure will inspire her to branch out and meet people, even if not people to date; but make friends and enjoy herself. My mom is also in her 50's. She has my brother living int he apt. upstairs along with my father- they have always been there for eachother really..well more so in the last few years.

 

She will be fine, and so will your mother. My mother made her own choices in life; she got to do that, I am 25 years old, and it's my turn to get to do all that now too.

 

You say you would support your spouse 100% in anything she does, but that isn't true; she's telling you what she needs and you aren't supporting her.

[norajane]

You've put your fiance into a sitch where to make you happy she needs to do what will make you happy but leave herself unsatisfied. That is selfish love. And it does not take the relationship as an entity into consideration.

 

I don't really see where the fiancee is compromising or taking his needs into consideration.

 

He offered:

 

- MIL apartment, so it's not like mom is going to be in their face all day every day

 

- move mom in one year after they marry, so it's not like mom will be there during the first year of their marriage

 

Fiancee agreed to that, then took it back and said no:

 

- 2 years when they have kids and mom can care for them

[tinktronik]

I don't really see where the fiancee is compromising or taking his needs into consideration.

 

He offered:

 

- MIL apartment, so it's not like mom is going to be in their face all day every day

 

- move mom in one year after they marry, so it's not like mom will be there during the first year of their marriage

 

Fiancee agreed to that, then took it back and said no:

 

- 2 years when they have kids and mom can care for them

 

She is compromising... she says 2 years. It makes sense to move MIL in when they begin to settle down as a couple... IOW begin to plan for kids, after they have had time to have their fun.

[melodymatters]

I seldom get frustrated when my replies aren't regarded, but HELLO ?

 

So thats IT ? It's that black and white ? There are NO less stressful jobs or apartments within 45 minutes ?

 

The ONLY choice is 4000 miles away and THIS 12 hour overnight shift nursing job ????

 

Last try : If she's CLOSER, and working less stressful shifts, thats a great start ! Then you ALL can see how it might be if she were to move in eventually. Baby steps, compromise, all that good stuff !

[stillafool]

Melody does make a good point about nursing jobs. They are in high demand everywhere and you can chose private duty jobs. I have a cousin who is a PD RN and she only works 3 days a week and makes great money. There are people who want you to stay in their homes and take care of their loved ones also.

[Lauriebell82]

Melody does make a good point about nursing jobs. They are in high demand everywhere and you can chose private duty jobs. I have a cousin who is a PD RN and she only works 3 days a week and makes great money. There are people who want you to stay in their homes and take care of their loved ones also.

 

Yeah, I agree with this.

 

It seems to me that you are disregarding the information/advice we are providing you and continuing to state that you don't understand your fiance's stance on this and saying she is selfish.

 

I agree that your fiance taking her initial compromise back was not right. BUT that just means that you guys will have to re-compromise. IMO you both are being rather stubborn here.

 

Another concern: Why is it that you would have sole responsibilty of paying for your mother's living expenses when she is capable of having an income (even with a less stressful job as suggested by Melody)? Even if she does move in you will still be having to support her financially. I'm sure she has bills of her own, who is going to pay those? You will have to pay for extra food, electricity, water, ect. Essentially you are going to have to support another individual. If you can't afford to have your fiance stay home with children then I think you will feel the crunch of having to be the sole financial support of her mother. She will cost an additional $500 per month, maybe more if she has debt and other bills. Can you afford that?

 

Also, it will cause you a great deal of stress. She will meddle in your life, and even though she is a very nice lady, I know she will begin to get on both of your nerves. You don't need that added stress in the first few years of marriage.

 

As I have said before, I don't think you have really thought this through, I think you are just feeling sorry for your mom and letting your guilt (which you shouldn't even have!) of her hard life cloud your judgement.

[whoawhoawhoa]

Yeah, I agree with this.

 

It seems to me that you are disregarding the information/advice we are providing you and continuing to state that you don't understand your fiance's stance on this and saying she is selfish.

 

I agree that your fiance taking her initial compromise back was not right. BUT that just means that you guys will have to re-compromise. IMO you both are being rather stubborn here.

 

Another concern: Why is it that you would have sole responsibilty of paying for your mother's living expenses when she is capable of having an income (even with a less stressful job as suggested by Melody)? Even if she does move in you will still be having to support her financially. I'm sure she has bills of her own, who is going to pay those? You will have to pay for extra food, electricity, water, ect. Essentially you are going to have to support another individual. If you can't afford to have your fiance stay home with children then I think you will feel the crunch of having to be the sole financial support of her mother. She will cost an additional $500 per month, maybe more if she has debt and other bills. Can you afford that?

 

Also, it will cause you a great deal of stress. She will meddle in your life, and even though she is a very nice lady, I know she will begin to get on both of your nerves. You don't need that added stress in the first few years of marriage.

 

As I have said before, I don't think you have really thought this through, I think you are just feeling sorry for your mom and letting your guilt (which you shouldn't even have!) of her hard life cloud your judgement.

 

 

LB,your right,you make me realize things from a different perspective and i think your right,everybody is right on their own perspectives,and i appreciate the inputs,but it's really hard to think if something happen to my mum and could've done something,you know,thanks to everybody like i said,i will recompromise with my fiance and see what what happen, i will post the updates whan possible,thanks!