am i a mamas boy? wth??

[whoawhoawhoa]

read a lot,but never post till now,sighs,it's a long story but ima make it short, i just recently engage my girlfriend of 3 years,we been tru a lot,sighs,but now we're basically growing apart cause i would like to bring my mum to live with us sometime after we married and she wants us to be alone for at least 2 years,so we have kids by then,then bring my mum to help us out some,you know,but here's the problem,i was raised by my single mum,she divorced my abusive dad when i was 5,now i'm 32.i watch her struggle all her life n even now i see her struggle with a 12 hrs shift job at nights,i mean,she starting to have problems with her health,she don't have anybody to take care of her other than me,she almost fall at sleep while she came for work,almost crash! you know,if something happen to her at night(she die or something) the neighbors would know for the smell,that's how alone she is,i mean,i cant leave her like that,she haven't been a bad mother,you know.now my fiance and are about to call it off cause i feel that i cant leave my mom alone,i would be happy if the persons i care are not happy,i mean,i hope you never have to be in this situation:(

i live on my own since i was 18,i just feel that you can leave ur love ones behind,what should i do? i am momas boy or i am too nice son? sighs,thanks for

[zetkin]

The solution might be for your mom to move somewhere near your place, so that you could visit her often and check on her. She is not disabled and she is used to living alone and if she needs help she can call you and you’ll be there in a minute.

 

And btw have you asked your mother if she wants to live with you? What does she say about this?

 

I also understand your fiancée. I wouldn’t like to live with my husband’s parents.

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[Devil Inside]

Isn't there a way for you to take care of your mother without having her live with you?

[whoawhoawhoa]

thanks for the replies,sighs,i understand the fiance position,but if she moves near me i would have no income and finding a job in this economy for a 58 old woman is not easy and i dont have the resources,you know, i mean,my mum and my fiance get along very well cause my mom is a very loving and caring person,and would be very helpful in the house,and then we have kids even more,you know,i even told my fiance,lets get a place with a nice basement so my mum would have her privacy and would have ours,i mean,i know,i know the deelly you know,but my mum is not a toxic mother in law i know that for a fact,i mean...sighs,it's a very stressful situation,don't know what to do,i don't wana choose,there's no need to or is it? sighs

[carhill]

OP, if your fiance is amenable to considering having your mum live with you after two years of marriage, I'd consider that a very positive trait in a prospective wife. Most women IME want their husband's mothers at a respectable distance, like for holidays, special occasions and when the kids needs an emergency babysitter.

 

Your perspective regarding your mother's situation is reasonable, but you're choosing to make your marriage your priority when you marry your wife. She is first in your life. Mom is still important, but your wife is first. Ask your fiance how she feels about that. Listen to her tell you about how you will be her priority and match that up with what she wants from you. I think you'll learn a lot.

 

BTW, being a 'mama's boy' is when mama runs your life and you tell your troubles to mama. I'm not getting that impression here. Feel free to correct me.

 

Welcome to LS

[Lauriebell82]

thanks for the replies,sighs,i understand the fiance position,but if she moves near me i would have no income and finding a job in this economy for a 58 old woman is not easy and i dont have the resources,you know, i mean,my mum and my fiance get along very well cause my mom is a very loving and caring person,and would be very helpful in the house,and then we have kids even more,you know,i even told my fiance,lets get a place with a nice basement so my mum would have her privacy and would have ours,i mean,i know,i know the deelly you know,but my mum is not a toxic mother in law i know that for a fact,i mean...sighs,it's a very stressful situation,don't know what to do,i don't wana choose,there's no need to or is it? sighs

 

Does she have a job right now? How does she support herself right now?

 

Sorry, but I see your fiance's position. As nice as she is, it would still be hard to have such an invasion of privacy like that. I just bet it will cause the two of you more problems then you realize. What about trying to find her a job or some support in your city? Does she live far away right now?

[Devil Inside]

thanks for the replies,sighs,i understand the fiance position,but if she moves near me i would have no income and finding a job in this economy for a 58 old woman is not easy and i dont have the resources,you know, i mean,my mum and my fiance get along very well cause my mom is a very loving and caring person,and would be very helpful in the house,and then we have kids even more,you know,i even told my fiance,lets get a place with a nice basement so my mum would have her privacy and would have ours,i mean,i know,i know the deelly you know,but my mum is not a toxic mother in law i know that for a fact,i mean...sighs,it's a very stressful situation,don't know what to do,i don't wana choose,there's no need to or is it? sighs

 

So here is the situation you are presented with. Your fiance has been open and honest with you about how she feels. She wants to spend a couple fo years alone together as a couple. It does not matter if your mother is Mary Poppins, if you choose to move her in your fiance will have a right to be upset. If you make that choice, she will have to make hers...and yeah, sometimes in these situations the other person walks right out the door.

 

I admire that you want to take care of your mother. In many cultures it is common that parents move in with their adult children. This is not about what is right or wrong...it is just about what you and your fiance can live with. So put on your thinking cap. Have your fiance help you come up with a solution...there has got to be one. There has got to be a way that you can take care of your dear old mother, and still respect your fiance's wishes.

[whoawhoawhoa]

Does she have a job right now? How does she support herself right now?

 

Sorry, but I see your fiance's position. As nice as she is, it would still be hard to have such an invasion of privacy like that. I just bet it will cause the two of you more problems then you realize. What about trying to find her a job or some support in your city? Does she live far away right now?

 

Yes Lauriebell she lives by herself far from me,she works still,but that's the problem i don't know how much longer she would continue with her high demanding job,(she is a nurse) and she's getting old,you know,i mean,i do really understand my fiance's position,but i'm in a middle of a situation that i don't wish it to even my biggest enemy,sighs:confused: i really thank you all,even tho i don't know ya'i wish u all the best and godbless ya,i'll try to resolve this situation and will keep ya inform,and whatever the outcome i will try to enlighten others like you all are doing with me,thanks!

[Lauriebell82]

Yes Lauriebell she lives by herself far from me,she works still,but that's the problem i don't know how much longer she would continue with her high demanding job,(she is a nurse) and she's getting old,you know,i mean,i do really understand my fiance's position,but i'm in a middle of a situation that i don't wish it to even my biggest enemy,sighs:confused: i really thank you all,even tho i don't know ya'i wish u all the best and godbless ya,i'll try to resolve this situation and will keep ya inform,and whatever the outcome i will try to enlighten others like you all are doing with me,thanks!

 

Okay, she is getting older but honestly 58 is NOT elderly. Is she eligible to retire soon? Depending on how long she has worked she will be able to get a pension. What are your concerns as to why she cannot remain on her own? Can she no longer take care of herself?

[norajane]

i would like to bring my mum to live with us sometime after we married and she wants us to be alone for at least 2 years,so we have kids by then,then bring my mum to help us out

So your fiance is more than happy to use your mother to help when you have children, but does not want to help your mother out now when you believe she needs help and are worried about her.

 

Maybe that's not how your fiance means it, but that's how it sounds: Yes, move her in when we're in need of her help with the kids, but I don't want her around before then!

 

lets get a place with a nice basement so my mum would have her privacy and would have ours

 

I know a lot of people wouldn't want to live with their in-laws, but that's what in-law apartments are for. They're separate living quarters with separate kitchen, living space, and entrance so they're not in your space, but they're nearby in case they need assistance because they are getting older. That sounds like a reasonable compromise to me.

 

You obviously have reason to believe your mom is getting too old too drive at night and her job is hard on her, or you wouldn't have even thought of the idea of moving her into your home in the first place. If your fiancee doesn't have the compassion to consider your mother's situation and can only compromise by agreeing to move her in when she intends to use her for a live-in babysitter, maybe this girl isn't the right one for you.

[norajane]

Okay, she is getting older but honestly 58 is NOT elderly. Is she eligible to retire soon? Depending on how long she has worked she will be able to get a pension. What are your concerns as to why she cannot remain on her own? Can she no longer take care of herself?

 

Nursing is hard work, LB. You're on your feet all day, lifting people and bathing them and cleaning up after them and all kinds of running around. 12 hour night shifts are long, and at night it really messes with your body clock.

 

58 isn't old, but if you've been in a hard job like that your whole life, it wears on you and your body. To have been a single mother on top of that and yes, I can understand how she'd be in need of some tlc by now. I'm tired just thinking about about the kind of life that lady has had.

[Lauriebell82]

Nursing is hard work, LB. You're on your feet all day, lifting people and bathing them and cleaning up after them and all kinds of running around. 12 hour night shifts are long, and at night it really messes with your body clock.

 

58 isn't old, but if you've been in a hard job like that your whole life, it wears on you and your body. To have been a single mother on top of that and yes, I can understand how she'd be in need of some tlc by now. I'm tired just thinking about about the kind of life that lady has had.

 

Yeah, I know nursing is hard work, my aunt is one.

 

I do like your idea about a seperate living quarters. Then you two will still have your privacy and so will she.

You were asked this question before OP, and I don't think you answered it. Is your mom aware of this idea? What does SHE think about moving in with the two of you?

[stillafool]

If your fiancee doesn't have the compassion to consider your mother's situation and can only compromise by agreeing to move her in when she intends to use her for a live-in babysitter, maybe this girl isn't the right one for you.

 

I have a feeling that the fiance is also thinking that when the kids do come, there won't be enough room in the house for his mother and the answer will still be no.

[whoawhoawhoa]

Nursing is hard work, LB. You're on your feet all day, lifting people and bathing them and cleaning up after them and all kinds of running around. 12 hour night shifts are long, and at night it really messes with your body clock.

 

58 isn't old, but if you've been in a hard job like that your whole life, it wears on you and your body. To have been a single mother on top of that and yes, I can understand how she'd be in need of some tlc by now. I'm tired just thinking about about the kind of life that lady has had.

 

norajane thank you for your comments,i think your right,sighs,it is a hard job,specially when your not 25,you know,and yes,she's very tired she did everything she could to survive and give me the best she could and deeply feel i can't leave her behind now that she needs me,cause she was there whenever i needed her, i mean, i know she's not a toxic MIL cause my mom is a very humble person,and the sad things is that i've planning bringing her to live with us a year later after we get married and my mom is very exited and now my fiance does not agree after she told yes,now she want to wait 2 years at least to bring her,i think is pretty mess up from her.i don't know how to think cause i love my fiance,but i now i can't leave my mom alone any longer,i won't be happy,i'm not a bad son.sighs:(

[whoawhoawhoa]

Yeah, I know nursing is hard work, my aunt is one.

 

I do like your idea about a seperate living quarters. Then you two will still have your privacy and so will she.

You were asked this question before OP, and I don't think you answered it. Is your mom aware of this idea? What does SHE think about moving in with the two of you?

 

LB,the sad thing is that my mom doesn't know any of this,she taught that my fiance was cool with it cause my mom likes her and get well along with her,at least that's what my mom thinks, she is very exited with the whole idea,don't how to tell her what's going on now,don't know what to do,sighs:( i was the happiest men in the world,at least i taught,until all this,i mean,you shouldn't have to choose or be in such situation,you know

[norajane]

the sad things is that i've planning bringing her to live with us a year later after we get married and my mom is very exited and now my fiance does not agree after she told yes

So your fiancee first said yes to moving her in after a year, and now is backtracking and saying no?

 

I'm sorry, but your fiancee sounds very self-centered and selfish to me.

 

Maybe it would help if the two of you went online and looked for a place that has an in-law apartment in the basement. Perhaps if your fiancee could see that the living quarters really are separate and that you two would have your privacy, she might feel better about it.

 

Personally, if my fiancee were being so selfish, I'd question what kind of person she is at heart. You may love her, but that doesn't mean she's a good person. She isn't showing much love and understanding to you.

 

She's calling you a mama's boy, but your fiancee is the one trying to control you. Try putting your foot down and telling her this isn't negotiable. You're the kind of person who will not be happy if your aging mother is left out there by herself, and if fiancee doesn't like that then it would appear she doesn't understand or love who you are at heart.

 

Stand up to her since this is so important to you. If you don't stand your ground on important issues like this, then it's likely your fiancee will always walk all over you in order to get things her way. Maybe you've seen other signs of this already?

[carhill]

OP, from your fiance's perspective, it doesn't matter if your mother is Mother Theresa (the patron saint of perfect mothers ) If she feels threatened or intruded upon in any way, your mother can treat her like a queen and she'll still despise her, even if masked by overtly pleasant behavior.

 

I've been through this, and when push came to shove, prioritized my marriage over my mother and ultimately lost both the marriage and my mother (to dementia). So, no panacea. IMO, part of being a man is making a decision that is right for you, after weighing all input, and sticking with it, even if it turns out badly. Accept that. Life is imperfect.

 

TBH, I'd make this a long engagement....

[norajane]

This really bugs me. My ex had his faults, but the one thing I always admired about him is that he took responsibility for caring for his widowed mother, and she wasn't old and she'd never worked a day in her life. But she raised him and now she was alone and needed looking after and he did it, even though it wasn't always easy.

 

Why your fiancee wouldn't admire you for wanting to do the right thing and give your mother some peace of mind and tlc after all these years of hard work is a mystery. No, it's not ideal and probably doesn't fit her fantasy of how life should be, but she needs to grow up and realize life isn't a fantasy. It's about real people in real and sometimes hard circumstances and, in the end, the people in your life are the only thing that matters.

[carhill]

It's about real people in real and sometimes hard circumstances and, in the end, the people in your life are the only thing that matters.

 

Wise words. My bf, a very wise man, tried repeatedly to impress this upon my stbx, but she chose other perspectives. I believed, and still believe, when a man marries, his wife is his priority, so I resolved that balance in favor of the marriage and placed my mother into institutional care and devoted more time, energy and effort into the M. It was only over time I realized that it wasn't the specifics of the issue that were the problem but rather that there were deeper incompatibilities at work.

 

I'm sharing this so the OP can draw inferences into his own dynamic. IME, surface actions and conflicts are generally indicative of something more fundamental. Hope they can resolve it

[whoawhoawhoa]

norajane and carhill,you both are right,i appreciate the wise words. i understand the MIL drama and all that,and i tried to understand her position and believe me if i could put her separate near me i would do it,but sadly i wouldn't afford that, i would try to talk my fiance to the mother in law apt to see what happen,but i feel really bad cause what norajane said is truth,i'm starting to have second taughts on this woman and if she really loves me,cause trust me if the case be viceversa, i would mind find a place with a mil apt at all.many thanks to all

[stillafool]

I could understand your leaving your mom if you had other siblings nearby to look out for her; but to leave her completely alone is hard. Does your mom have a boyfriend?

[whoawhoawhoa]

sighs,no that's the thing,she don't have anybody but me,i understand that when you get marry you should be alone with your wife,but there should be exceptions cause in this case my mom don't have anybody but me,i try to understand my fiance position and i think i do a little,but she don't understand mine,the only thing that bugs me is that i don't know what to think bout my fiance cause i feel she wanted mum to help her out if we have kids and with the things of the house cause she don't know anything(shes 25 i'm 32) and now she don't want to live in the same roof at all,only close,but not in the same roof,i kinda understand her,cause i know couples should be alone,but she should understand me,and i feel that if she loves me she would,cause i would help her out if she would have the same problem, i love her and i love my mum too,i will try to get my mum close to me if i can.and if not,i don't know what i'm going to do,sighs,i'm really confused,cause my mum already knows and she was very exited and now she feel bad for the whole situation.thanks to everybody that commented.

[melodymatters]

Perhaps you are overestimating the expense of mom living on her own ? She could room with another older woman, then was she wouldn't be lonely . Also nurses make good money, but she needn't work the night shift in a hospital, she could do private care, one on one, and sometimes they even want the person to live in.

 

I think there might be a solution between the black and white way you are looking at the situation.

 

The mother in law apt is a good idea too, it could always be an extra source of income, your kids could live there in college etc...

[Ronni_W]

now i'm 32. ... i live on my own since i was 18,i just feel that you can leave ur love ones behind

Sorry - do you mean that you and your mom have been living apart from each other for the last 14 years?

 

If so, how did you manage to "leave behind" your mom when you moved out at 18? During this time, how have you managed to maintain contact with her, look out for her, and feel satisfied that she hadn't died in the night...and why can't you just keep doing that after you're married?

 

As someone's mentioned, 58 is NOT that old. Most in her age group have tended to expect that they'd still be working for a few more years past 58. So I'm really not getting it: How is it that, after 14 years, your mom being on her own has now become an apparently major concern of yours? (It wouldn't be from any ideas that it's actually your wife who'd have the day-today job of looking after your mom...would it?)

 

I get that there's something I'm not getting...sorry for my confusion

[Lauriebell82]

Sorry - do you mean that you and your mom have been living apart from each other for the last 14 years?

 

If so, how did you manage to "leave behind" your mom when you moved out at 18? During this time, how have you managed to maintain contact with her, look out for her, and feel satisfied that she hadn't died in the night...and why can't you just keep doing that after you're married?

 

As someone's mentioned, 58 is NOT that old. Most in her age group have tended to expect that they'd still be working for a few more years past 58. So I'm really not getting it: How is it that, after 14 years, your mom being on her own has now become an apparently major concern of yours? (It wouldn't be from any ideas that it's actually your wife who'd have the day-today job of looking after your mom...would it?)

 

I get that there's something I'm not getting...sorry for my confusion

 

Yeah, I agree with this to a certain extent.

 

I'm not saying that you should abandon your mom, but why is it that you have SUCH a huge desire to have your mom move after you two are married? Why did you not want her to move in sooner? I agree with Ronni that you might unconsciously (or consciously!) want her to move in after marriage so your fiance can care for her while you are working. Maybe part of your fiance's hesistation is that SHE might be under this assumption as well. Your mom is not disabled or sick, yes nursing is a hard job but a lot of middle aged parents have had hard jobs and don't move in with their newlywed son.

 

I also do not think your fiance is purposely being rude or mean by not wanting your mom to come live with you. As much as I love my soon to be MIL, I would not want her moving in with us permanently. It would be ackward. I also don't think she is trying to use your mother for child care, it is under the assumption that MIL will come to stay with their children to help out with newborns temporarily and then leave. You are talking a permanent live in situation.

 

Look at it from her perspective: would you want YOUR MIL to come live with you and your fiance permanently, breathing down your neck, always seeing everything you do? Probably not...