Pregnant by MM

[NoIDidn't]

FR, do you suffer from anxiety attacks? It sounds like you do, the mention of troubling things seems to set you off.

 

Again, I'm sorry as that is not my intention.

 

I do think he will eventually appear at your home, but don't worry about that right now. Just keep your hand close to the vest. Don't let him know your thoughts about why he is calling or the questions he is asking anymore.

 

He is sounding creepy. But you do what you need to get this baby here safely and talk to a lawyer. Having knowledge about your rights for your child will settle your mind so long as all he is doing right now is calling and asking creepy questions.

[FaceReality]

FR, do you suffer from anxiety attacks? It sounds like you do, the mention of troubling things seems to set you off.

 

Again, I'm sorry as that is not my intention.

 

I do think he will eventually appear at your home, but don't worry about that right now. Just keep your hand close to the vest. Don't let him know your thoughts about why he is calling or the questions he is asking anymore.

 

He is sounding creepy. But you do what you need to get this baby here safely and talk to a lawyer. Having knowledge about your rights for your child will settle your mind so long as all he is doing right now is calling and asking creepy questions.

 

Okay I -- but I just wonder should I continue to even speak with him. I don't have to take his calls or respond to his emails/text. For sure I will not let him know my thoughts going forward. Thanks again. Maybe I am having anxiety attacks...now that I think about it. I need to do better and get myself together I guess.

[NoIDidn't]

Okay I -- but I just wonder should I continue to even speak with him. I don't have to take his calls or respond to his emails/text. For sure I will not let him know my thoughts going forward. Thanks again. Maybe I am having anxiety attacks...now that I think about it. I need to do better and get myself together I guess.

 

I asked, because I suffered from them for the first time during my fourth pregnancy. So much was going on in my life at the time, and it was all so very overwhelming.

 

I found calming down and tackling what I could at the moment to be more helpful to freaking out. Not saying I still don't freak out sometimes. But when I do, I check out why and deal with it as much as is possible.

 

Its not about "doing better" or "getting [yourself] together". Its just about calmly assessing things so your emotions don't run away with you. And being pregnant is about the hardest time to ever do this.

 

Try finding ways to relax and not think about him or his calls for a while. That should help you calm down. Seriously, the more information/knowledge you have legally, the more you will eventually relax.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm sorry but the last time I checked this website was for opinons and advice. I'm not talking down to her in anyway I'm just giving her my two cents. if you don't like it then don't read it. JEEZE what is with this specific forum that people get soooo upset about?? no one is going to have the exact opinion about anything!

 

 

Have all the opinions you want, I do. But this a very hormonal and emotional time without the added drama of a MM. Upset...I am not. It takes more than you and one or two opinions, but as a pro-choice person, I do get highly upset if someone pushes either way. If she wants this child and feels it is right for her, fine. If she wants and abortion and has thought it through, fine again. But what we think is fair for her (in this situation)don't mean a hill of beans.

[FaceReality]

I asked, because I suffered from them for the first time during my fourth pregnancy. So much was going on in my life at the time, and it was all so very overwhelming.

 

I found calming down and tackling what I could at the moment to be more helpful to freaking out. Not saying I still don't freak out sometimes. But when I do, I check out why and deal with it as much as is possible.

 

Its not about "doing better" or "getting [yourself] together". Its just about calmly assessing things so your emotions don't run away with you. And being pregnant is about the hardest time to ever do this.

 

Try finding ways to relax and not think about him or his calls for a while. That should help you calm down. Seriously, the more information/knowledge you have legally, the more you will eventually relax.

 

Thanks so much you rock

[overmyhead]

This is my second post. Please read my first, my story is a tragic one.

 

I was in a similar situation. My baby is here and is the light of my life. I am in love. The best thing thats ever happened to me and the only reason that I wake up in the mornings. Its hard, very very hard but worth it.

 

Keep your chin up. You baby is a miracle and is here for a reason. You will know that the first time you see his/her sweet little face.

[whichwayisup]

ENJOY your pregnancy. Forget MM, worry about him later.. Just ignore him, and don't attempt any contact with him...FOCUS on YOU and that little bundle of joy inside your belly.

[Angel1111]

ENJOY your pregnancy. Forget MM, worry about him later.. Just ignore him, and don't attempt any contact with him...FOCUS on YOU and that little bundle of joy inside your belly.

 

I totally concur with this. Forget all this stuff right now - is he playing games, should I get child support, is he going to leave the country....just forget it. Enjoy being pregnant and take care of yourself. All that other stuff can wait until later. Pregnancy is not an event to be missed by being distracted and upset. This doesn't happen very often in your life - it's a very special time. Enjoy it and your baby will feel your happiness instead of your distress.

Edited January 15, 2010 by Angel1111

[FaceReality]

I totally concur with this. Forget all this stuff right now - is he playing games, should I get child support, is he going to leave the country....just forget it. Enjoy being pregnant and take care of yourself. All that other stuff can wait until later. Pregnancy is not an event to be missed by being distracted and upset. This doesn't happen very often in your life - it's a very special time. Enjoy it and your baby will feel your happiness instead of your distress.

You guys are right...I am just going to step back and enjoy my pregnancy. I can deal with all the other stuff later...You guys are awesome!

[Angel1111]

You guys are right...I am just going to step back and enjoy my pregnancy. I can deal with all the other stuff later...You guys are awesome!

 

But I hope you'll keep visiting us because we'll want to know how you're doing. Plus, you know you're going to have questions about the situation, or xMM is going to say or do things that you'll want to talk about but, for the most part, I hope you'll mostly enjoy yourself and not get too stressed.

[pureinheart]

Please keep your precious baby. I don't think its fair for an innocent life to be taken because of the situation..It has no choice as to where it comes from..but its there for a reason. I think you would truly regret getting an abortion. I'm sorry that your in the situation that your in but a baby is one of the greatest gifts. I know you can make it through, your probably really emotional right now as well. I hope everything works out for you ((HUGS))

 

I too hope you keep the baby...BEJ you are so right, and I can tell you from experience that abortion is not an answer or solution....I know she would regret aborting her baby...I was very suicidal afterwards....

 

I councelled many women and I cannot begin to describe the hurt after aborting their babies....why not give the baby up for adoption instead?

[pureinheart]

OOOOPS....just read the other page in which you stated you were keeping your baby....cool....there is a lot of resorces out there should you need it. There are Crisis Pregnancy Councelling Centers everywhere or you could contact Right to Life, as they have many resorces....

[OldEurope]

I totally concur with this. Forget all this stuff right now - is he playing games, should I get child support, is he going to leave the country....just forget it. Enjoy being pregnant and take care of yourself. All that other stuff can wait until later. Pregnancy is not an event to be missed by being distracted and upset. This doesn't happen very often in your life - it's a very special time. Enjoy it and your baby will feel your happiness instead of your distress.

 

 

 

I cannot believe what I am reading here. You are telling her to "forget all this stuff right now"? and that "all that other stuff can wait until later"? NO, no no, it cannot. We are not talking about someone who is thinking about adopting a dog and is worried if hair will get all over the furniture. The future of this young woman has just been pounded into stone, and as well that of an innocent bundle of wonders. Nothing can be "put off".

 

1. If you have not done so already or, if I missed reading this, ask a lawyer what the legal ramifcations are of this chap being from another country. A strike against you, perhaps, if he can "just go"--but perhaps not if he works for the US government (I am assuming some diplomatic connection). Use LB's list from the earlier pages of this thread.

 

2. Of course you should tell the wife.

 

3. Of course he should be there in the delivery room. Of course you should make "demands". Not like a nag makes "demands", but as an expression of your expectations, like someone of self-respect

 

4. Don't be the stoic hero, let him help you; let him show moral and psychological support

 

5. You appear to be taking all the burden of this on yourself and it is very unhealthy emotionally and otherwise. I would be very matter of fact--with him, with the wife, with friends, family, and act as if your life is still yours to own. Don't lose cool, although at times you feel you might slip.

 

He must absolutely "play the man" here, and do not let him off so easily. I find your tone too concerned about him, them, etc. You're the one with the burden, but he will still treat you as you allow yourself to be treated.

 

OE

Edited January 15, 2010 by OldEurope

[pureinheart]

I guess you missed the post, but she IS keeping the baby.

 

Yep....my bad, I should have read the entire thread:D!

[pureinheart]

I cannot believe what I am reading here. You are telling her to "forget all this stuff right now"? and that "all that other stuff can wait until later"? NO, no no, it cannot. We are not talking about someone who is thinking about adopting a dog and is worried if hair will get all over the furniture. The future of this young woman has just been pounded into stone, and as well that of an innocent bundle of wonders. Nothing can be "put off".

 

1. If you have not done so already or, if I missed reading this, ask a lawyer what the legal ramifcations are of this chap being from another country. A strike against you, perhaps, if he can "just go"--but perhaps not if he works for the US government (I am assuming some diplomatic connection). Use LB's list from the earlier pages of this thread.

 

2. Of course you should tell the wife.

 

3. Of course he should be there in the delivery room. Of course you should make "demands". Not like a nag makes "demands", but as an expression of your expectations, like someone of self-respect

 

4. Don't be the stoic hero, let him help you; let him show moral and psychological support

 

5. You appear to be taking all the burden of this on yourself and it is very unhealthy emotionally and otherwise. I would be very matter of fact--with him, with the wife, with friends, family, and act as if your life is still yours to own. Don't lose cool, although at times you feel you might slip.

 

He must absolutely "play the man" here, and do not let him off so easily. I find your tone too concerned about him, them, etc. You're the one with the burden, but he will still treat you as you allow yourself to be treated.

 

OE

 

Hey OE, I have not gotten the pleasure of seeing you before, anyway I agree with the replies to basically take everything one day at a time....for me, when I get too much in my head I overload and blow circuits...lol which it doesn't take much.

 

She has had so many decisions to make that man it can freak one out....I sense that all will be taken care of and that now that she is clear with one thing, this will lead to another, and another and so on.

 

There were many times in my life that I just had to let it all go and trust that everything would be ok, as there were many situations that were simply out of my control....in fact I just went through a major life changing event and got hit with everything all at once. I was told by a couple of people that they would not have had the guts (they used other terminology) to do what I did and I actually paved the way for them. In actuality it did not take guts, I really had no choice and let the chips fall where they may...it was either that or loose my mind.

 

Through my sitch, I realise life is way too short and I must enjoy it.

 

I totally see where you are coming from, I am the type of person that likes to know where I stand in all things, but it got overwhelming and I had to let it go....basically with my belief system...let go and let God became very real to me.

 

Everything has turned out better than I thought it would...

[Angel1111]

Well, believe it because I wrote it and I meant it. What I was trying to say is that it would be better for her to deal with things as they come up instead of pressuring herself to get this or that done, worrying about what he's going to do, what he isn't going to do, blah, blah, blah. It can make a person nuts and she doesn't need this when she's pregnant.

 

He's going to reveal his intentions all on his own, in due time. Even by not making a decision, he will be making a decision. She will be better off knowing that she will make the right decisions when the situation arises. Most of the time, things tend to take care of themselves if we don't push them. Quite simply, she doesn't need to be spending her whole pregnancy fighting with this man. And she sure as heck doesn't need to tell his wife anything - that's his place to take care of that. If he has half a brain, he's got to know that he won't be able to keep this a secret because his wife will probably question his garnished wages.

[Jeff1962]

Hello,

If you don't want to read the story of me and my MM...my issue is I am almost 4 months pregnant by my MM and I need advice on how to handle it...

 

If you want more details please read below...

 

I am a newbie. I met my MM about 6 months ago through a mutal friend. I fell for him instantly. At first I did not know he was married, a mutal friend told me he was once he found out I was seeing him. I asked my MM if he was married and he told me yes... I continued to see him and I still feel guilty over it.

Well now I am almost 4 months pregnant with his child, I told him right away when I found out about 2 months ago. We still see each other about once a week, but lately it has been very difficult for me. It started out with fun times and sex, now I am getting attached. I near ever asked questions about his wife before...but now I want to know things, but I still don't ask. He has a 2 year old son with his wife (whom I have met) a beautiful home (which I have been to once) and I now find myself jealous that I'm not the wife.

He has never told me he loved me, nor have I told him I love him. He has never said he was unhappy in his marriage, I am sure he loves his wife very much. I have never been interested in telling his wife, I don't like drama. I am just confused because now I feel like my life is over and he still has his. Neither of us were happy about me being pregnant, but he told me that a child is a blessing. He is supportive of my pregnancy at this point, but I am a mess on the inside. When we see each other we lie around and talk, and of course we have sex...

I feel like I am tied to him forever at this point because of the baby. What do I do, I want to maintain a good relationship with him because we will have a child together, but to what extent? At some point the issue of raising a child will become a major issue. At best he will be a half-time dad. I don't really tell him what I feel because I can't express it and I don't know what I want yet.

I am 31 yrs old, this will be my first child. I'm educated with a decent income, so I can do it on my own, I just don't want to. I just need advice on what to do, what questions to ask, what to expect...how to stop feeling so ****ty all the time, how to stop thinking about him and his wife...what do I do? Please help.

 

First of all, you did not know he was married at first. When you found out he was married why did you continue the relationship?

 

You say that you have met his 2 year old son and been to his house once, the house and son that he shares with his wife. He is having sex with you and probably her. How much respect do you think he has for his wife or you or himself or his child?

 

I'm not here to make you feel bad I just don't understand how people can be ok with being the other one. Being the other one is what's making you feel sh***y about yourself.

 

Your pregnancy adds quite a bit of complications to this already complicated situation. What do you want?

[FaceReality]

First of all, you did not know he was married at first. When you found out he was married why did you continue the relationship?

 

You say that you have met his 2 year old son and been to his house once, the house and son that he shares with his wife. He is having sex with you and probably her. How much respect do you think he has for his wife or you or himself or his child?

 

I'm not here to make you feel bad I just don't understand how people can be ok with being the other one. Being the other one is what's making you feel sh***y about yourself.

 

Your pregnancy adds quite a bit of complications to this already complicated situation. What do you want?

 

Thanks for your honesty. By the time I found out he was married I was quite infatuated with him, had never meet anyone like him. It seems stupid now...should have stopped it right away because soon there after I ended up pregnant. Punishment for me I guess.

 

I am not having sex with him anymore, I can barely bring myself to speak with him. I realize the mistake I made, the damage we've done, and the harsh reality of the situation...so I don't see the point in continuing an AA that has already caused so much damage. All the postings on this forum have helped me stick with this choice, and for that I am grateful.

 

I actually feel terrible that I have been to his house, I was not comfortable and actually told him that I had to go...I don't know what his intentions were, he invited me over and I went out of pure curiousity...it was such a mistake and I regret I ever went there.

 

He brought his son to my job, and his son was at his home when I came to visit... I never asked to see him or anything like that. I just think that xMM made some stupid choices too, I can't figure out his wrecklessness sometimes, I was always much more worried and cautious about our actions than he was.

 

What do I want? I want to rewind about a year of my life... so this situation wouldn't be... But thats not going to happen, so want three things right now

1. I want to survive this with my sanity, my health (and my baby's health).
   
2. I want to be able to honestly say that I made clear, informed, and fair decisions without malice in my heart, and without causing unnecessary pain to all those this will affect (I realize that there will be unavoidable hurt and pain at some point)
   
3. I want to be able to pray for forgiveness and feel like I really deserve it and move on.
   
4. I want the strength to deal with the fact that my baby will be abondoned by his/her father and there is nothing I can do about it, but to accept it and move on...
   

Thats what I want...and I am so far away from that now...so I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.

 

Again thanks for your honesty.

[GAchasen]

Why didn't you guys use a condom? Why would you put yourself through this with someone who is already married? I don't get it....There are plenty of single good looking men out there.

[FaceReality]

1. If you have not done so already or, if I missed reading this, ask a lawyer what the legal ramifcations are of this chap being from another country. A strike against you, perhaps, if he can "just go"--but perhaps not if he works for the US government (I am assuming some diplomatic connection). Use LB's list from the earlier pages of this thread.

 

2. Of course you should tell the wife.

 

3. Of course he should be there in the delivery room. Of course you should make "demands". Not like a nag makes "demands", but as an expression of your expectations, like someone of self-respect

 

4. Don't be the stoic hero, let him help you; let him show moral and psychological support

 

5. You appear to be taking all the burden of this on yourself and it is very unhealthy emotionally and otherwise. I would be very matter of fact--with him, with the wife, with friends, family, and act as if your life is still yours to own. Don't lose cool, although at times you feel you might slip.

 

He must absolutely "play the man" here, and do not let him off so easily. I find your tone too concerned about him, them, etc. You're the one with the burden, but he will still treat you as you allow yourself to be treated.

 

OE

 

Thank you OE for your dose of reality...

to reply to some of your points:

1. I do plan on speaking with a lawyer. If I understand one thing...I understand that I must know what legal options I have. There is no disputing this point. I plan on going to see a few lawyers till I find one, preferably a woman who will give me good advise and be willing to fight for me if need be.
   
2. I honestly beleive the news of an AA and a baby on the way by an OW should come from the MM not the OW. I am sure he will have his on spin on what information he gives her, but really...I don't want to come across as bragging or out to ruin her life or destory her marriage by telling her I had an AA with her husband and am having his baby. It just seems so hurtful to do at this point. Besides if at any point I need his cooperation, this could be counter productive for me and the baby.
   
3. I orginally told him that he did not have to be in the delivery room, my mom knows he is married and I thought it would be ackward, he did ask if I wanted him there. I guess it may be the right thing to do to ask him to be there. But why get my hopes up, if I ask him and he doesn't show...do I need that heartache on what should be the happiest day of my life? I would just like to control my surrounding as much as possible on that beautiful day. I will need more time to think about if I want him there or not on D-day. I will make want I want known to him at the appropriate time. To be honest I am not sure what I want...I want to be the "mean what you say and say what you mean" type...I don't want to waffle or go back and forth so I need more time to make decisions before laying out demands/request. --but they will come with time.
   
4. Stoic hero? I thought it was more prepairing for the inevitable. He is going to bail at some point. He has not offered me any help financially at ALL. He calls to check on me...and kudos for that, but he has not offered any real support. He only established a few things...he did not want me to have an abortion, and he will leave the country when the time is right...I don't really call that support at all. I thought that I was being a person of self-respect by trying to control my emotions right now and not making impulsive decisions that could make the decision worse. I am not a diva with demands...
   
5. I admit...I completely fell apart when the reality of the situation hit me...I couldn't get out of bed and was convinced to late-term abort my baby. I am doing better. Matter-of-facty? I guess at some point I will have to go into "this is what I want and this is how I want it" mode but again, I still need to figure out what that is exactly before I take that tone. I am a quiet person, never good with conflict, so I am working on this issue.
   

Thanks again - you gave very straight forward and helpful advice. I didn't fully agree with it all, but I needed to hear, thats why I post on this forum for all view points. Thanks again

[whichwayisup]

No, he doesn't 'get to be there' for the birth. He isn't your husband, and he isn't your family. Not even close.

 

Sorry but your baby coming into this world is going to be the best day of your life and the LAST thing you need is him holding your hand, seeing you so vunerable and emotional. SAY NO to that now, don't even go there.. He shouldn't be in the room! Infact, not even at the hospital.

[FaceReality]

Why didn't you guys use a condom? Why would you put yourself through this with someone who is already married? I don't get it....There are plenty of single good looking men out there.

I am embrassed to admit this, but honesty is key. I knew I couldn't get pregnant (or so I thought) so a condom was not a major issue for me. Don't get me wrong, I am aware of all the other dangers like STD's and for some beyond stupid reason I felt safe with MM. Initially I did not know MM was married...he only admitted being married after I found out from someone else. At this point I had sorta fell for him and made a bad choice to continue to see him.

I knew I couldn't get pregnant and never pursued the issue of a condom...as for him I have no idea...he never asked if I was on birthcontrol, never bought condoms or asked for one, just stupid on his part too. I did worry about it at somepoint (his layback attitude is so puzzling sometimes - though it was one of the things that attracted me to him so much) so I did get tested for EVERYTHING with my OBGYN and I have been tested for EVERYTHING again since finding out I was pregnant. All test came back normal/negative...thank my lucky stars. Before MM I had only been with my ex and we had been together for years.

I can't really offer a good answer to your question. I would've had the same question myself earlier last year...sometimes people just make really bad choices. I really regret passing on offers for dates and even marriage from those same single good looking men you speak of...

[Angel1111]

Your xMM acts like a man who wants to get caught. I mean, seriously, he doesn't seem at all concerned about his actions, or the consequeces of his actions. Maybe he wants to push his wife to the point that she'll leave him. The first time I was with xMM, we had sex and then he asked if I was on birth control afterward. I had an IUD in at the time and they're effective for 10 yrs, so I made a joke about it being in for 11 yrs. He cracked up. But the thing is, he didn't bother to find out if I could get pregnant or not either. And he used to do and say things that were dangerous in the sense that his wife would know he was cheating on her. I don't know why guys do that stuff. The only thing that makes sense is that they don't care if they get caught or not.

[pureinheart]

Your xMM acts like a man who wants to get caught. I mean, seriously, he doesn't seem at all concerned about his actions, or the consequeces of his actions. Maybe he wants to push his wife to the point that she'll leave him. The first time I was with xMM, we had sex and then he asked if I was on birth control afterward. I had an IUD in at the time and they're effective for 10 yrs, so I made a joke about it being in for 11 yrs. He cracked up. But the thing is, he didn't bother to find out if I could get pregnant or not either. And he used to do and say things that were dangerous in the sense that his wife would know he was cheating on her. I don't know why guys do that stuff. The only thing that makes sense is that they don't care if they get caught or not.

 

Sometimes it's the game the W and H play....the drama of finding out, then the H begs makes promises ect....W has leverage/H gets attention from W....this is ofcourse the extreme, yet it does happen this way, I really think it is what happened in my sitch.

[pureinheart]

Thanks for your honesty. By the time I found out he was married I was quite infatuated with him, had never meet anyone like him. It seems stupid now...should have stopped it right away because soon there after I ended up pregnant. Punishment for me I guess.

 

I am not having sex with him anymore, I can barely bring myself to speak with him. I realize the mistake I made, the damage we've done, and the harsh reality of the situation...so I don't see the point in continuing an AA that has already caused so much damage. All the postings on this forum have helped me stick with this choice, and for that I am grateful.

 

I actually feel terrible that I have been to his house, I was not comfortable and actually told him that I had to go...I don't know what his intentions were, he invited me over and I went out of pure curiousity...it was such a mistake and I regret I ever went there.

 

He brought his son to my job, and his son was at his home when I came to visit... I never asked to see him or anything like that. I just think that xMM made some stupid choices too, I can't figure out his wrecklessness sometimes, I was always much more worried and cautious about our actions than he was.

 

 

What do I want? I want to rewind about a year of my life... so this situation wouldn't be... But thats not going to happen, so want three things right now

1. I want to survive this with my sanity, my health (and my baby's health).
   
2. I want to be able to honestly say that I made clear, informed, and fair decisions without malice in my heart, and without causing unnecessary pain to all those this will affect (I realize that there will be unavoidable hurt and pain at some point)
   
3. I want to be able to pray for forgiveness and feel like I really deserve it and move on.
   
4. I want the strength to deal with the fact that my baby will be abondoned by his/her father and there is nothing I can do about it, but to accept it and move on...
   

Thats what I want...and I am so far away from that now...so I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.

 

Again thanks for your honesty.

 

You are really cool....you already are forgiven, I hope you forgive you because you are a gem....